X-Factor Live Finals, hang in there!

John and Edward - proof that someone, somewhere did something very wicked indeed with a goat, a dagger and pentagram.

Their open VT did them no favours. They're doing Rock DJ, and I'm sure I'm not alone in hoping they'll end up being skinned alive like in Robbie's video for the original. They have the shiny-faced malignancy of the motiveless psychopaths in Michael Haneke's astonishingly unnerving Funny Games. The vocal keeps dropping out but it's not a technical fault, they simply aren't even attempting the tougher notes.

Next to sing for his supper is Joe. Cheryl's beaming with pride, and Simon looks a little confused, like he's just received the bill for his birthday party.

Another meringue of a voice, although he gets louder on the bridge and he's growing into the song. It's a shame the same can't be said for the jacket he's wearing. His smile is his fortune, even if he's a little overly blessed in that department. It seems that Simon liked it, maybe he needs to soften Cheryl up after their spat earlier.

Up last is Danyl, who showed a lot of early promise, then squandered some of the goodwill at Boot Camp stage.

Robbie's telling him to 'tone it down a bit' which is like Beth Ditto telling you to try low-fat mayonnaise. He's doing "And I'm telling you..." from Dreamgirls, a song which has taken more abuse on this show than Louis Walsh. I can see what Simon's doing here, trying to turn him into McAlmont - a sexually ambiguous singer doing a male Shirley Bassey routine. Dannii's just horrified every one of her fans by making a really unnecessary gay jibe at Danyl's expense. Looks like she's regretting it too.

Thanks for watching, and remember to vote for your favourite. Unless you're backing John and Edward, in which case you need to go and have a good hard think about your life.