Houston, we have some problems

So much for the big comeback.

Whitney Houston took to the stage on the X-Factor results show tonight, acting like she'd had to clamber down a string of knotted bedsheets to get there. I'm all for the credo 'dance like no-one's watching', but Whitney took Mark Twain's advice and sung like no-one was listening.

It didn't help that she'd been stapled into a dress that was too long, too tight and too flimsy. Halfway through her performance the straps broke and for a moment it looked as though we could be treated to a glimpse of her Grammies.

Ever the professional, Miss Houston bravely soldiered on, although the expression on her face suggested that there might be a timid dresser backstage, searching frantically for a cyanide capsule.

But if the vocal performance was strained, it was nothing compared with the excruciating interview that came afterwards. Dermot gamely attempted to butter up the pissed-off performer, but their conversation had all the coherence of a drunken row outside a youth hostel.

There were concerns when it was first announced that Whitney was staging a comeback. Did she still have the voice? Sadly, no-one stopped to think whether she still had her marbles. On this evidence, I'd say they're both MIA.