Styling tips for lunatics

Here's a phrase for you to contemplate: 'Katie Price's style tips'. Like 'Dr. Shipman's Guide to Caring for the Elderly' or 'Ralph Lauren's Photoshop for Beginners' this sounds like the kind of advice most sensible people could live without.

Nonetheless, noted authoress Katie (a woman whose prolific literary output makes Dame Barbara Cartland seem like JD Salinger - in both quality and quantity) has loosened the manacles of her ghost writer long enough to pen another would-be bestseller.

In it, Katie answers the prayers of all those women who dream of her lifestyle, but aren't prepared to simply settle for painting 'unclean' in scarlet letters over the front door. According to the blurb on Amazon, "Katie Price opens up her make-up bag and throws open the doors to her wardrobe" which makes her sound like a modern-day Pandora, unleashing untold evil upon the world. Still, it's a little too late to worry about that now - rather like closing the stable door after the whore has bolted.

So let's take a look at what aspiring fashionistas can hope to pick up from Katie's new book, other than a nasty fungal infection. She's clearly trying to position the book as a 'style bible' - even going so far as to identify her Ten Style Commandments - although Malleus Maleficarum might be appropriate under the circumstances.

For instance, Katie says "Make sure you match" but it's not clear whether she's talking about co-ordinated outfits or picking a new boyfriend using a mahogany swatch from the B&Q laminates department. She also tells her readers "Don't be afraid of colour" but says nothing about the terrifying effects her colour choices may have on innocent bystanders.

"Grooming - it's not just for horses" says Katie, inadvertently pointing out that your thoroughbred isn't entitled to any more dignity or self-respect than you are. More importantly, Katie believes you shouldn't "be a slave to fashion" or "worry about what other people think". But given that she's currently about as popular as a mutated flu virus, there may come a point when Katie will need to revisit some of these rules. Probably around the time that the book comes out in paperback.