Monday, 12 October 2009

Breaking up is hard to do

Neil Sedaka knew what he was singing about. Break-ups are never easy. There's the acrimonious name calling, the spiteful division of property and then those first tentative steps back into the market.

So spare a thought for our lady Madonna who, exactly one year after separating from Mockney husband Guy Ritchie, is now enduring another painful split. When her marriage ended, all Madonna had to show for it was a couple of kids and a bunch of car wash sponges. This time around, the custody battle is likely to determine who gets to keep the sweaty yoga mat.

Madonna has finally called 'time' on what many thought was one of the strongest relationships in the world of celebrity. That's right, brace yourself people - La Ciccone has split from her personal trainer Tracy Anderson, after an intense three-year partnership.

Madonna has always been fit, but in the last few years she's boasted less body-fat than a pack of Quorn mince, thanks to Tracy's tutelage.

Some may argue that Madonna has taken the fitness regime a little too far, showing off those sinewy arms that looked like they were made for wrestling Hansel and Gretel into a cooking pot. More ripped than a Goth's t-shirt, the Queen of Pop seemed to be taking the stress of her failed marriage out on her sinewy self.

The press were quick to condemn Madonna for turning herself into female T-800, but Tracy leapt to her committed client's defence: "Madonna is an athlete. That's what I try to hammer into people's heads, people who criticise her for training two hours, six days a week. She's just like a baseball player or a soccer player. I don't have to scream at her because she's so motivated. Madonna will never look her age, she doesn't even look half her age – she looks 19." If this was the case, it would make Madonna the least convincing teenager since Stockard Channing last zipped up her Pink Ladies satin jacket.

According to reports, Madonna has parted ways with Tracy because she has “grown tired of the baggage that Tracy always seemed to be carrying with her." Presumably, she's not referring to an over-stuffed gym tote. It can't have helped matters when Phillippe Van Den Bossche, executive director of Madonna's charity Raising Malawi, quit his role after falling in love with Tracy.

Madonna had previously claimed "Tracy Anderson is my saviour. After two Caesareans, three hernia operations and one riding accident that left me with 10 broken bones, she was the only one who could pull my body back together into one piece." Lindsay Wagnerisms aside, the bionic superstar will have to soldier on unaided. But that's probably just as well - after all, would you dare give Madonna her marching, squatting and thrusting orders?

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