What a way to make a living

With just over a week to go until its release, Lady Gaga is pulling out all the stops to ensure that everyone knows that her new album is almost here. Given the speed at which she attained world-wide fame, there's a considerable weight of expectation resting on her curiously attired shoulders. Since she's been talking it up for the last 12 months, anything less than the musical equivalent of Christ's second coming will be considered a disappointment.

Meanwhile, the obsessive Madonna fans who continually accuse Gaga of ripping off their icon, will be sharpening their bras ready for all-out war. But in this game of pointy tit-for-tat, one key fact has been overlooked. Gaga may well owe Madonna a considerable debt, but there's another blonde music legend who can surely take some of the credit for influencing the self-proclaimed Mother Monster's career. Dolly Parton, take a bow - just remember to bend with the knees.

The two stars actually crossed paths back in February at the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards, where Dolly was finally receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award in recognition of her five decade-long career as a singer, songwriter, actress, author, philanthropist and wig seller. Of course, Gaga managed to steal all the limelight by turning up in a giant yellow plastic egg, like the world's most self-involved Kinder Surprise.

Since releasing her first single back in 1965, Dolly has steadily grown into one of the world's most recognisable recording artists - the country singer it's OK to like. It helps that she's got a back catalogue of mucic that's testament to her incredible talent, not to mention a self-deprecating wit and larger-than-life persona that invites audiences to laugh with, rather than at her.

And then there's that image of hers. Like a Rubenesque beauty sculpted in Anchor squirty cream. She's always been unflinchingly honest about her tacky glamour (inspired as a child by the local hooker in her hometown of Sevierville) and her enthusiasm for plastic surgery. As she sings in her recent autobiographical song 'Backwoods Barbie', "I might look artificial, but where it counts I'm real." She's been through more faces than Lon Chaney, and at times her eyebrows almost appear to levitate above her head, like Penfold getting a nasty surprise. But she's always unmistakably Dolly, slathered in more make-up than Ronald McDonald's pillow case.

Gaga, on the other hand, has to resort to increasingly outlandish displays - not everyone can carry off an outfit inspired by Jim Henson's recurring nightmares of a muppet mass grave. However, one thing both artists share is a belief in the importance of appearances. You'll never see either of them getting papped putting out the bins in a pair of pizza-stained sweatpants.

Lady Gaga gets a lot of credit for being an accomplished pianist, but her musicality has nothing on Dolly who plays guitar, banjo, autoharp, piano, dulcimer and drums. In fact, if it weren't for a couple of prominent obstructions, she could probably take to the stage as a one-woman band. And despite never learning to read or write music, she's composed over 5,000 songs, many of which are considered classics in both the country and pop genres.

Everyone knows her most successful song is 'I Will Always Love You' - butchered in the early nineties by Whitney Houston, who wouldn't know subtlety if it surreptitiously tapped her on the shoulder. Not only did Whitney over sing the life out of the song, she also completely missed its meaning. If you've never heard Dolly's original, give it a listen and marvel at the definitive passive-aggressive love song - "If I should stay, I would only be in your way... so goodbye, Oh please, don't cry, we both know I'm not what you need." Now that's a bad romance.

There's no denying that Lady Gaga is happy to use her international celebrity as a platform to advocate for gay rights, an issue she clearly feels passionate about. Again, the critics who argue that Madonna did it first overlook the fact that Dolly has long been an outspoken enthusiast for equality. Asked about how she reconciles her devout religious faith with her healthy gay fan base, Dolly once said "God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people." Sometimes, a little wit is more powerful than political grandstanding.

And several years before Gaga's 'gay anthem' was released, Dolly wrote and recorded 'Travelin' Thru', the Oscar-nominated theme song from TransAmerica. Coming from a sector of the music industry not known for its progressive world-view, it took incredible courage on Dolly's part to sing from the perspective of a pre-operative transsexual: "I'm out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it. I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit..." Likewise, consider the line "God made me for a reason, and nothing is in vain". What she's saying is, "I was Born This Way baby, but what's a little remodelling between friends?"

Dolly's list of accomplishments is too long to list here. But it's worth also mentioning her Dixie Stampede restaurant chain and the Imagination Library - a book donation fund established in 1996. The scheme has now grown into one of the world's largest book gifting programmes, distributing over 30 million books worldwide since its inception. Plus, of course, there's Dollywood, the theme park in her home county which provides employment for over 3,000 people. As well as countless folksy diversions, the park also has a credible range of thrill rides. Although as yet, there are no plans for an Appalachian log flume that culminates in a brutal gang rape at the hands of a bunch of inbred locals.

At the grand old age of 65, Dolly is showing no signs of slowing down, with a European tour and a new album in the works. If Gaga wants longevity from her career, she could do far worse than modelling her approach on the country grand-dame. When I first met Dolly eight years ago, I'm afraid I got a little gushy, admitting that I'd loved her since I was a child. Grasping my hand in hers, she looked up and in that distinctive southern trill, said "Oh honey, don't stop now." I hope Gaga takes the same advice.

The Gaga Reflex

It's been billed as the most eagerly awaited song of the decade, with the kind of pre-release buzz that makes Jesus' second coming seem about as exciting as the New Kids On The Block reunion tour. And today, Lady Gaga's new single 'Born This Way' was finally unveiled to the world.

She's been talking it up as the song that will define her career, causing millions of little monsters to frot themselves into a coma at the prospect of Gaga at her creative peak. When she first performed an acapella snippet of the song at the VMAs in September last year, the internet was soon awash with remixes and interpretations based around the 15-second sample.

Since then, excitement has been steadily building, as the world keenly anticipated a song with the power to solve world hunger, end intolerance and maybe even inspire a half-decent movie for Jennifer Aniston to star in. Although, to be fair, great music can only do so much.

The lyrics were released a couple of weeks ago, in the process triggering a big debate about Gaga's unfortunate choice of racial terminology - ironic for a song designed to be an anthem for tolerance and acceptance. Earlier this week, Justin Beiber and James Blunt even teamed up (apologies for any nightmares that coupling might inspire) on the Ellen Show, to interpret the lyrics and speculate about how the finished record might sound.

OK, so it was mostly an extended gag, and not a particularly funny one. But it's interesting to note that, even as the media might mock Gaga's supernatural ability for self-publicity, they're happy to play along because it helps them to generate interesting content.

But what about the song itself? Well, now that it's out there for us all to hear, we can all reflect on the true meaning of hyperbole. The world hasn't changed, although it does have one more kick-ass, played-in-every-club-until-year-end dance record to enjoy.

Critics are already complaining that it sounds like early nineties Madonna, namely Express Yourself and Vogue. Melodically, there's also a dash of TLC's Waterfalls in the verses, and fans of Swedish pop music might even hear elements of Pandora's 'Nature Of Love' somewhere in there. As for the lyrics, it's worth remembering that a song by the same name was recorded by Carl Bean back in 1975 - coincidentally, the year when p0pvulture was 'born this way'.

Ultimately, none of this matters. Pop is a genre which lends itself to constant recycling and reinvention - Madonna's 25-year reign as the Queen of Pop can be attributed to the act that she has regenerated herself enough times to give Doctor Who a headache.

Her fans are going to love it, and the haters won't. But those in the middle might well find themselves drawn in by the insistent beats, Gaga's strongest vocals to date, and a chorus that takes up residence in your brain like a particularly truculent squatter.

Oh, and credit where credit's due - it takes a special kind of artist to base her comeback around an empowerment anthem that makes an explicit plea for tolerance around sexuality and gender identity. Chronologically, Gaga's song may arrive after other musicians have already attempted to address issues of teen bullying and the gay suicide epidemic. However, despite their edgy attitudes and novelty profanity, tracks like P!nk's Fuckin' Perfect and Ke$ha's We R Who We R manage to dodge the details, as a way of placating the music fans who'd prefer not to dwell on the subject matter. Gaga has never been one to mince her words, just her dress.

Disappointingly, not everyone in the gay community is happy with Gaga's newest opus. The original Party Monster James St James wrote a scathing critique of the song's lyrics, challenging Ms Germanotta for having the arrogance to proclaim her own song a 'gay anthem'. He claims "A gay anthem, whether it's "I Will Survive" or "The Man That Got Away" or "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," BECOMES a gay anthem because we find ourselves empathizing with the singer's passion or pain or exuberance... Gaga here isn't allowing us the choice of deciding whether or not this song will be a gay anthem (like "Bad Romance"), she's TELLING US that it is."

But that's a sure sign of how much things have changed. Rather than picking through the wreckage for crumbs of acknowledgment or inclusion, we have to face up to the sad fact that songs are now being written for, and about, us. Perhaps, in the pursuit of mainstream acceptance, we need to come to terms with the gradual surrender of our outsider status - to paraphrase The Incredibles, equality means accepting that we get to be as ordinary as everybody else.

It's highly likely that Gaga doesn't really give too much of a shit about what anyone says about the song. The fact that we're even talking about it means that, for her, it's another job well done. Although, if this is any indication of what's to come on her next album, it's safe to say she's on the right track, baby.

All dressed up and no place to go

Think quickly people - with only eight weeks to go, you need to start figuring out that all-important Hallowe'en costume. Two years ago, Sarah Palin was all the rage. So thousands of women, and probably even more men, threw on a smart tailored suit, a big brown wig and some sensible-looking glasses in order to terrorise their friends and neighbours.

It's no good looking to horror movies for inspiration. The slashers of yesteryear are long gone, replaced by movies that revel in low-fi camcorder hauntings or slow, grisly and un-anaesthetised limb removal. Not much to go on there, unless you fancy going to a party looking like partly-ground beef.

Thankfully, help is at hand, courtesy of everyone's favourite pop icon. With enough time for everyone to get their orders in, the officially licensed range of 'Haus of Gaga' outfits has been released to the general public.

OK, so there's going to be a bunch of very pissed off drag queens who've spent the last few months hunched over a sewing machine trying desperately to recreate Gaga's influential look. However, everyone else will no doubt delight in the fact that they can go to a Hallowe'en party looking like they just collided with a ceiling fan.

There are some pretty cool accessories too, including the beer-can wig from 'Telephone' and the cut-away 'Poker Face' swimsuit. Sadly though, there's no sign of Gaga's now-infamous Kermit outfit, or the sunglasses made out of cigarettes. The amphibians are safe, for now.

Nonetheless, Gaga's 'Little Monsters' will be thrilled to be able to emulate some of the most iconic outfits since Marilyn Monroe felt a sudden breeze up her gusset. I say 'some' because of course Gaga isn't the first blonde superstar to inspire legions of dedicated followers with her outlandish fashions.

Back before Gaga was a twinkle in Mr Germanotta's eye, Dolly Parton was inviting the world to take a look inside her not inconsiderable closet. Appearing on The Mike Douglass Show in 1977, the gravity-bothering country bombshell showcased some of her favourite outfits in an extraordinary fashion show.

Although Dolly has always had a quick wit and a natural ability to perform, she seems a little sad in this footage. And not because she's being forced to stand and pose in an empty TV studio, wearing some of the ugliest garments ever captured on video-tape. One ensemble, which she claims she would wear to the recording studio, involves a bulky overcoat and a platinum hairpiece, making her look like a flasher hiding behind a wedding cake.

At the time she was desperately unhappy with her weight, and seemed to think that the easiest way to distract people from her bulges was to wear wigs so grand that Elton could have borrowed one for his Louis XIV-themed 50th birthday. She's still wearing wigs today, although, like Gaga, she's at least had the good sense to turn this into merchandisable business stream.

Gaga's critics are always quick to point out that she's borrowed much of Madonna's schtick - from the overt sexuality to the continual image re-invention. But it's worth remembering that Madge wasn't the first to show her Blonde Ambition, and hopefully our Lady won't be the last.

She's still Dirrty

It's nice to know that some things never change. She may have started out as a fully paid up member of the Mickey Mouse Club, but little Christina Aguilera wasted no time growing into a dirrty young madam.

By the time she got around to making her her second CD, the relative innocence of her debut single 'Genie In A Bottle' was left lying in a ditch with its shirt over its head. It's customary for young people to explore their sexuality as they advance into adulthood, but Christina stopped just short of squatting over a hand-mirror and inviting the world to have a look.

When Madonna released Like A Prayer back in 1989, the CD insert was scented with patchouli oil for extra exoticism. I'm just thankful that Christina didn't follow her idol's example - Stripped would have smelled like used kitty litter trampled into damp carpet.

With her new CD just weeks away from release, Christina has been telling the press that she's not mellowed with age, marriage or motherhood. Speaking to an Atlanta radio station, the platinum powerhouse said "I'm more confident and comfortable in my own skin. I think I'm even a more sexual Christina."

Even more sexual? At this rate, anyone who listens to Bionic will need to be given a doll and asked to show where Christina touched them. And it probably won't be the ears that get fingered.

Momma don't preach

Pop culture critics are rubbing their hands together with glee at the news that Madonna is concerned about her teenage daughter's mature dress sense. Although she's only 13, Lourdes has a wise-beyond-her-years sense of fashion, so much so that she and her BFF mum have co-designed a new clothing range.

The Material Girl collection includes “jeans, shoes, fingerless gloves, necklaces and other accessories” and was inspired by Lourdes' passion for fashion. Given that Madonna now describes her own sense of style 'boring' she's happy to turn the design work over to her mini-Madge.

According to the yoga-loving Queen of Pop, young Lourdes was even a 'dresser for the dancers' on her last two tours. It's a lot of pressure for someone who still wears braces on her teeth, but she seems to like it that way.

Despite her happiness to indulge her daughter's artistic instinct, Madonna did admit “If anything, I wish she’d dress more conservatively. How’s that for irony?” Actually, it's not ironic at all. Madonna doesn't want Lourdes dressing too far beyond her years - which is perfectly understandable.

Missing the point completely, a number of commentators have been happy to shoot Madonna down for her double standards, pointing out "It is a bit hypocritical. After all, Madonna was barely 20 when she posed for her first nude photos, and she’s made a career out of pushing buttons." However, there's a big difference between a 20-year-old exploring her sexuality, and a 13-year-old exploring the dressing-up box.

Nonetheless, this is seen as 'the chickens coming home to roost' for a woman who has inspired several generations of young women to express themselves through fashion, music and dance. Madonna may have made some mistakes in her past, but she's smart enough to recognise that and make sure her daughter learns from them too.

In fact, the biggest worry about this whole story is the idea that fingerless gloves and leatherette bangles might yet make a comeback. Those who forget the fashions of the past are condemned to repeat them.

He bangs

Well colour me shocked. Ricky Martin is gay? Next you'll be telling me that Sean Hayes wasn't just playing one on TV. Oh, right. To be honest though, when it comes to Ricky, the clues were always there.

For instance, like 67% of all gay men, Ricky spent several years in a boyband. Admittedly, Menudo was a boyband with a difference, having been through more line-up changes than the Sugababes playing musical chairs. But at least with Menudo that was always the point.

As Latin America's most popular teenage musical group through the 70s and 80s, Menudo was created by Puerto Rican music producer Edgardo Diaz. He came up with the idea for a boyband where the members would rotate as they get older - being replaced on their sixteenth birthday, or when they grew too tall or hairy.

Rather than a homoerotic spin on the story of Sleeping Beauty, think of it like military service. In countries like Greece and Denmark, young men face mandatory conscription - in Latin America, you simply serve a couple of years in Menudo instead. And young Ricky was more than happy to be drafted.

Post-Menudo, Ricky spent the best part of a decade working as a solo artist singing predominantly in Spanish, before branching out into English. One summer smash later and the whole world was Livin' La Vida Loca. Ricky sang about waking up in a cheap New York hotel after a crazy night with a woman who took his heart and his money, arguing "She must've slipped me a sleeping pill." On reflection, it may have been rohypnol rather than Ambien.

Nonetheless, Ricky had arrived as a major pop star and was soon racking up the hits. He was even fortunate enough to team up with the 'Queen of Pop' for a duet called 'Be Careful (Cuidade con Mi Corazon)', although he found her a fearsome taskmaster. Ricky told the press that Madonna had even reduced him to tears, but that's not difficult given that she could probably make Robert Mugabe pretend he had 'something in his eye'.

With his profile higher than Lindsay Lohan at two in the morning, Ricky foolishly subjected himself to one-to-one with the grand dame of celebrity interviews Barbara Walters. Unconvinced by the rampant heterosexuality coursing through tracks like 'She Bangs', Barbara interrogated Ricky about his sexuality, only for the Latin heart-throb to clam up.

Even though she's been interviewing celebrities since Buster Keaton was a pin-up, Barbara counts her Ricky Martin interview as the biggest regret of her career. Speaking to the Toronto Star, Barbara said "In 2000, I pushed Ricky Martin very hard to admit if he was gay or not, and the way he refused to do it made everyone decide that he was. A lot of people say that destroyed his career, and when I think back on it now I feel it was an inappropriate question." Barbara's egocentric viewpoint aside, Ricky's fading star probably had more to do with the fact that audiences had moved on from the cheesy Latin craze that dominated charts in the early noughties.

Since then, Ricky has had a couple of low profile releases, most notably the twins he had with a surrogate in 2008. Let's face it - if you want to squash those gay rumours, making babies in a rent-by-the-hour womb probably isn't the best way to go. Just ask Clay Aiken.

So now, Ricky has finally told the world what we already knew, announcing on his website "I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am." In a fairly lengthy open letter, he claims that now is the right time for him to tell the world about his sexuality, although it's been suggested that his timing has more to do with the pressures placed on him by his boyfriend, who is tired of skulking in the shadows.

But maybe all of this cynicism is a little unfair - the clues were there all along. As the photo above shows, Ricky's well-versed in the art of shirt-lifting. And to think, we just assumed he was showing off his abs.

Breaking up is hard to do

Neil Sedaka knew what he was singing about. Break-ups are never easy. There's the acrimonious name calling, the spiteful division of property and then those first tentative steps back into the market.

So spare a thought for our lady Madonna who, exactly one year after separating from Mockney husband Guy Ritchie, is now enduring another painful split. When her marriage ended, all Madonna had to show for it was a couple of kids and a bunch of car wash sponges. This time around, the custody battle is likely to determine who gets to keep the sweaty yoga mat.

Madonna has finally called 'time' on what many thought was one of the strongest relationships in the world of celebrity. That's right, brace yourself people - La Ciccone has split from her personal trainer Tracy Anderson, after an intense three-year partnership.

Madonna has always been fit, but in the last few years she's boasted less body-fat than a pack of Quorn mince, thanks to Tracy's tutelage.

Some may argue that Madonna has taken the fitness regime a little too far, showing off those sinewy arms that looked like they were made for wrestling Hansel and Gretel into a cooking pot. More ripped than a Goth's t-shirt, the Queen of Pop seemed to be taking the stress of her failed marriage out on her sinewy self.

The press were quick to condemn Madonna for turning herself into female T-800, but Tracy leapt to her committed client's defence: "Madonna is an athlete. That's what I try to hammer into people's heads, people who criticise her for training two hours, six days a week. She's just like a baseball player or a soccer player. I don't have to scream at her because she's so motivated. Madonna will never look her age, she doesn't even look half her age – she looks 19." If this was the case, it would make Madonna the least convincing teenager since Stockard Channing last zipped up her Pink Ladies satin jacket.

According to reports, Madonna has parted ways with Tracy because she has “grown tired of the baggage that Tracy always seemed to be carrying with her." Presumably, she's not referring to an over-stuffed gym tote. It can't have helped matters when Phillippe Van Den Bossche, executive director of Madonna's charity Raising Malawi, quit his role after falling in love with Tracy.

Madonna had previously claimed "Tracy Anderson is my saviour. After two Caesareans, three hernia operations and one riding accident that left me with 10 broken bones, she was the only one who could pull my body back together into one piece." Lindsay Wagnerisms aside, the bionic superstar will have to soldier on unaided. But that's probably just as well - after all, would you dare give Madonna her marching, squatting and thrusting orders?

The pictures of Doreen Gray*

A couple of alarming pictures have been printed in today's papers that highlight the level of photoshopping talent currently residing in record companies and advertising agencies around the world.

Two women, at either end of the fabulous fifties, and often applauded for their age-defying appearances, have been snapped looking rather more ordinary than we're used to.

Twiggy, a woman who has represented fashion and glamour for over forty years looks like she should be buying frozen sausage rolls in Somerfield. And Madonna, whose yoga and exercise regime would put a pentathlete to shame has been snapped modelling Gollum's biceps. Somewhere in a greenscreen studio, Andy Serkis is practicing his 'Vogue' moves.

On the one hand, these unauthorised images should make regular women feel a little more contented about their own battles with the ageing process. But equally, they prove just how much artifice exists in our image-obsessed world. Suddenly that mirror doesn't seem quite so intimidating, does it?

* It's a joke

Grief is the new black

After yesterday's epic send-off, rumoured to be viewed by over 31 million people in the US alone, and costing the city of Los Angeles $1.4 million, everyone is fixating on the nature of grief in today's celebrity-obsessed world.

Despite almost constant news coverage since his death, and a Lazarus-like resurrection in music charts around the world, the turnout for Jackson's memorial was somewhat underwhelming. The city of LA anticipated around 250,000 mourners would converge in the streets to pay their respects, but in fact only around 1,000 bothered to show. This meant that the 3,240 police officers deployed to steward the crowds outnumbered the mourners 3-to-1.

One case where the grief was perhaps underestimated, was little Paris Jackson, breaking down as she paid an emotional tribute to her father. Many children whose parents die young are denied the opportunity to even attend the funeral, and this is something that can stay with them for decades, having been denied the chance to say 'goodbye'. But Paris, finally free of her father's all-encompassing paranoia, was allowed to step forward and defend his reputation as the perfect dad. In doing so, she was able to answer his sneering critics and remind the world that, innuendos aside, he genuinely loved his children. But some critics are unhappy about this, speculating that Paris was exploited, seemingly cajoled into taking centre stage and casting off the weird veil we'd seen her in for every previous public appearance. I think everyone's just surprised that Michael Jackson managed to produce three apparently normal, well-adjusted children.

It wasn't just Michael's close family who came forward to share their memories of the begloved one. In the last week or so, anyone who ever met him, spoke to him or opened up their shop for him came forward with their own personal recollections of the man who was not Billie Jean's lover. Uri Geller, clearly mourning the last vestige of his media relevance, spoke at length (and frequently) about his friend, even speculating about what actually killed him. Liz Taylor began by issuing a statement to say that she was too upset to issue a statement, before then issuing a statement about her broken mind (as if we needed further proof). And Madonna managed to stop crying long enough to announce that she couldn't stop crying.

And then there's the memorial service itself. Aside from some wildly varying vocal tributes, and a selection of ill-advised hats modelled by the Jackson sisters, what really stood out were the appearances by people who never actually met Michael Jackson. Queen Latifah, John Mayer and Jennifer Hudson all paid impassioned tribute to the pop legend, despite never having encountered him face-to-used-to-be-a-face. Interestingly, the most talked about appearance of the entire show was a 12 year-old boy. Rather than accusations of impropriety, this pre-teen showed up to offer his interpretation of Michael's 'Who's Loving You'. Shaheen Jafargholi had originally shot to fame in the most recent series of Britain's Got Talent, and it was clear from the start that he was a big fan. In fact, he was due to duet with Jackson next week for the first of his shows at the O2. Instead, here he was rubbing shoulders with Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey and Lionel Richie, with his idol laying in a casket stage right.

The fact is, it doesn't really matter whether the people eulogising Michael Jackson actually met the man or not. The fact is, they knew him. They knew him the same way every one of his fans felt that they knew him. Because that's the nature of celebrity, of a life lived in the public eye. There's an emotional connection between performer and audience, and it doesn't matter whether that audience is made up of the great unwashed or the great and the good.

Now, can we finally change the subject?

Be prepared

Her Madgesty is back in Malawi, stalking the desert like Shita of Native American legend, looking for children to devour, sorry, adopt.

The child in question is the aptly named Mercy, and according to the press coverage, was being 'prepared' for adoption by Madonna. Are African babies like fridges, and need to be left to stand for eight hours before they can be used? Or perhaps they needed time to fit her with a Kabbalah bracelet and wean her onto mung beans and tofu. Either way, I hope someone shows the poor kid some mercy.