Brats all folks

In just a couple of years, Justin Bieber has rocketed to global superstardom, thanks to a mop of immovable hair and Usher's benevolent grooming. In scenes reminiscent of the great BeatleMania outbreak of 1964, every public appearance is punctuated with mass outbreaks of screaming, fainting and general pubescent pandemonium. As with most of these crazes, the appeal is entirely inexplicable to anyone with fully functioning genitals, so Bieber is doing what he can to broaden his range and reach a wider audience.

He's currently in talks with Mark Wahlberg's 'people' about a role in a new film project, following on from a successful appearance in CSI last year. However, although his performance was reviewed favourably, his on-set behaviour didn't win him any new fans among the cast.

The two episodes in question, saw the pop-moppet being brutally gunned down, screen-shots of which temporarily raised the spirits of a generation immune to Bieber-fever. But it's what happened on-set that seemed to rankle his more experienced co-stars.

According to Marg Helgenberger, who recently spoke to French Magazine Le Grand Direct des Medias, "...he was kind of a brat. He was very nice to me, but he locked one of the producers in a closet... and put his fist through a cake that was on the craft service table."

This isn't the first time that Bieber's 'youthful exuberance' has hit the headlines - just a couple of weeks ago, he was labeled a security risk by a Qantas flight attendant after ignoring the warnings to stay in his seat. To be fair, maybe he just wanted to visit the pilot up-front and learn about Turkish prisons.

He also made the papers back in December when he insisted on flying a remote-controlled helicopter in Mayfair restaurant La Porte Des Indes. He even thoughtfully flew the gadget straight into his bodyguard's head. After that, I can't imagine that the big guy would be in any rush to take a bullet for his teenage charge.

Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills is no fan either, telling Metro last year, "Seriously, someone needs to have a word with him. He’s a precocious little brat." And an Australian TV host also spoke out, having experienced an up-past-his-bedtime Bieber kicking off at the show's crew. In characteristically blunt Australian style, he described Justin's tantrum where he told one of the staff "never ever fucking touch me again", then suggested that “someone needs to drag [Justin] aside and give him a bit of a slap.” Fuck the Olympics, that's something I'd enter a ticket lottery for.

Of course, it's hardly surprising that Justin's adolescent temperament occasionally gets the better of him. Unfortunately, every time he shows off or plays up, there's a camera crew on hand to capture it. Still, if he gets hammered every time he throws a strop or starts a food fight, he could probably murder a hooker when he gets older and no-one would bat an eyelid.

In the meantime, he's always got his acting skills to fall back on, just in case the hits dry up. Even Marg managed to give him props for his efforts, showing a glimmer of kindness that her overstretched face is no longer able to register: "He's actually better than you'd think." File that one under 'damned with faint praise'.

Let's get serious

Whether you love him or loathe him (trust me, there's no middle ground) Justin Bieber is currently the world's most famous teenager, leaving one-time golden girl Miley Cyrus to sit back and wait for the inevitable Celebrity Rehab booking.

His songs may have all the depth of single-ply toilet paper, but he seems to have captured the zeitgeist for a generation of twitterific tweens. And the outpouring of vengeful fury over his recent Grammy snub in the 'best new artist' category, shows just how seriously his fans take his R&B-lite output.

So they'll be keen to snap up the new issue of Rolling Stone, which features an exclusive interview with 'super boy', and addresses a number of hot topics that don't usually come up in chats with celebrities who still have milk teeth. Ever wondered what Justin thinks of abortion or socialised healthcare? Your prayers are about to be answered.

For the record, the Canadian is not a fan of private medical insurance, commenting: "My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home." Hardly surprising that he's aware of the issues, given that it's not so long ago that he was released from the maternity ward.

However, Justin's wholesome Christian upbringing means that he's much less supportive of a woman's right to choose, arguing "I really don’t believe in abortion, It’s like killing a baby?” And let's be honest, no-one would advocate killing off their target audience.

OK, I'm being facetious. Most sixteen year olds would struggle to form any kind of political ideology, so the kid gets points for being even loosely aware of the global political landscape, even if it amounts to little more than “But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”

Call it the Lady Gaga Effect. She's shown that you can be a commercially savvy purveyor of disposable pop music, and still be politically active. What other explanation is there for the fact that self-awareness vacuums Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian recently took to twitter to proclaim their support for the oppressed people of Egypt?

Commentators were quick to express surprise that Kim and Lindsay had any awareness of Egypt, beyond listening to The Bangles greatest hits. After all, it's doubtful that Mubarak’s downfall was covered extensively in People magazine. What next - Paris Hilton leading a campaign against female circumcision in Northeast Africa?

It's easy to criticise these woefully underinformed celebrities for expressing their wafer-thin political perspectives. But there's a risk that we end up sounding like Laura Ingraham, the venomous right wing commentator who wrote a book called 'Shut Up And Sing' following the Dixie Chicks' criticism of George W Bush. Everyone has a right to their opinion, and by sharing it, they might even inspire their fans to read something other than Perez Hilton.

The more disturbing issue here though, is the criticism that Bieber's comments have already received - suggesting that he should wait until he's a little more worldly-wise before wading into a debate about nationalised healthcare.

Problem is, he didn't. He didn't volunteer the information, or bring up the subject during an off-the-record conversation. He was asked outright for his opinion by a Rolling Stone journalist. Even more unpleasant is the way his comments have been taken out of context.

Weirdly, the Huffington Post, usually a reliably balanced news source, leads its coverage of Biebergate with the headline: Justin Bieber On Health Care: U.S. System 'Evil'. In fact, Justin's "evil" comment seems to be in direct response to the interviewer attempting to draw out the teenager's opinion on the most divisive social issues in America today. He was probably expecting a few more questions about working with Usher and getting his homework done on time.

Maybe Bieber is too young to be expressing his opinions, and should wait until he's experienced a little more of the wider world. But interviewers also have a responsibility to remember that fact, before asking politically-loaded questions to which there are no right or wrong answers - just different points of view. 

The Gaga Reflex

It's been billed as the most eagerly awaited song of the decade, with the kind of pre-release buzz that makes Jesus' second coming seem about as exciting as the New Kids On The Block reunion tour. And today, Lady Gaga's new single 'Born This Way' was finally unveiled to the world.

She's been talking it up as the song that will define her career, causing millions of little monsters to frot themselves into a coma at the prospect of Gaga at her creative peak. When she first performed an acapella snippet of the song at the VMAs in September last year, the internet was soon awash with remixes and interpretations based around the 15-second sample.

Since then, excitement has been steadily building, as the world keenly anticipated a song with the power to solve world hunger, end intolerance and maybe even inspire a half-decent movie for Jennifer Aniston to star in. Although, to be fair, great music can only do so much.

The lyrics were released a couple of weeks ago, in the process triggering a big debate about Gaga's unfortunate choice of racial terminology - ironic for a song designed to be an anthem for tolerance and acceptance. Earlier this week, Justin Beiber and James Blunt even teamed up (apologies for any nightmares that coupling might inspire) on the Ellen Show, to interpret the lyrics and speculate about how the finished record might sound.

OK, so it was mostly an extended gag, and not a particularly funny one. But it's interesting to note that, even as the media might mock Gaga's supernatural ability for self-publicity, they're happy to play along because it helps them to generate interesting content.

But what about the song itself? Well, now that it's out there for us all to hear, we can all reflect on the true meaning of hyperbole. The world hasn't changed, although it does have one more kick-ass, played-in-every-club-until-year-end dance record to enjoy.

Critics are already complaining that it sounds like early nineties Madonna, namely Express Yourself and Vogue. Melodically, there's also a dash of TLC's Waterfalls in the verses, and fans of Swedish pop music might even hear elements of Pandora's 'Nature Of Love' somewhere in there. As for the lyrics, it's worth remembering that a song by the same name was recorded by Carl Bean back in 1975 - coincidentally, the year when p0pvulture was 'born this way'.

Ultimately, none of this matters. Pop is a genre which lends itself to constant recycling and reinvention - Madonna's 25-year reign as the Queen of Pop can be attributed to the act that she has regenerated herself enough times to give Doctor Who a headache.

Her fans are going to love it, and the haters won't. But those in the middle might well find themselves drawn in by the insistent beats, Gaga's strongest vocals to date, and a chorus that takes up residence in your brain like a particularly truculent squatter.

Oh, and credit where credit's due - it takes a special kind of artist to base her comeback around an empowerment anthem that makes an explicit plea for tolerance around sexuality and gender identity. Chronologically, Gaga's song may arrive after other musicians have already attempted to address issues of teen bullying and the gay suicide epidemic. However, despite their edgy attitudes and novelty profanity, tracks like P!nk's Fuckin' Perfect and Ke$ha's We R Who We R manage to dodge the details, as a way of placating the music fans who'd prefer not to dwell on the subject matter. Gaga has never been one to mince her words, just her dress.

Disappointingly, not everyone in the gay community is happy with Gaga's newest opus. The original Party Monster James St James wrote a scathing critique of the song's lyrics, challenging Ms Germanotta for having the arrogance to proclaim her own song a 'gay anthem'. He claims "A gay anthem, whether it's "I Will Survive" or "The Man That Got Away" or "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," BECOMES a gay anthem because we find ourselves empathizing with the singer's passion or pain or exuberance... Gaga here isn't allowing us the choice of deciding whether or not this song will be a gay anthem (like "Bad Romance"), she's TELLING US that it is."

But that's a sure sign of how much things have changed. Rather than picking through the wreckage for crumbs of acknowledgment or inclusion, we have to face up to the sad fact that songs are now being written for, and about, us. Perhaps, in the pursuit of mainstream acceptance, we need to come to terms with the gradual surrender of our outsider status - to paraphrase The Incredibles, equality means accepting that we get to be as ordinary as everybody else.

It's highly likely that Gaga doesn't really give too much of a shit about what anyone says about the song. The fact that we're even talking about it means that, for her, it's another job well done. Although, if this is any indication of what's to come on her next album, it's safe to say she's on the right track, baby.

Best foot forward

Better book the trestle tables from the local church, whip up a batch of sausage rolls, and learn the words to 'God Save The Queen' - there's a royal wedding coming. Who cares about the fact that the Monarchy is an outdated and grotesque institution; just think of the magnificent hats.

On April 29th, even the most avowed anti-royalists will be raising a glass of own-brand fizz to our future king and his bride. After all, it's not every year that we get an extra bank holiday.

It seems as though everyone is getting in on the excitement. Agnetha Fältskog has hinted (in rather oblique terms) that an ABBA reunion might be possible if the band was asked to attend the wedding. And one of Kate's friends has come up with a great hen party idea: shooting illegal immigrants in the East End. Unfortunately, Emma Sayle was cautioned by the police for making racist comments before she had a chance to invite Kate to join in.

Not to worry though, the young couple have plenty of other things to keep their minds off the nerve-wracking nuptials. William has been earmarked by hair loss brand Rogain as their ideal celebrity spokesperson. In a timely press release, they announced "We've been watching Prince William's growing bald spot closely for years, and we believe Rogaine can help…" If nothing else, that lucrative sponsorship deal could help pay for the big day. After all, it's not like they're having a registry office ceremony, followed by a Scotch egg at the local pub.

But if you find that you can't contain your excitement for the next four months, you could always book yourself on a walking tour of the 'William and Kate' love story. Sod the traditional tourist traps for just £15 you could traipse around the streets of the capital and visit such landmarks as Mahiki, where William once declared his reinstated bachelorhood when the couple split in 2007. Or how about the branch of Jigsaw on Dover Street, where Kate briefly worked as an accessories buyer? Failing that, there's the offices where Kate's great-grandfather used to work as a solicitor. Fascinating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree. 

Most of the other stops on the tour are more concerned with Charles and Diana. Even Camilla gets a mention or two along the way. Because, any way you slice it, the young couple simply haven't had the chance to accomplish that much in their short lives. Like Justin Bieber's recent 'autobiography', it's a little too soon to try and concoct a compelling narrative around a story that could almost be told in real time. 

Justin time

To a world that has already endured its fair share of global pandemics, the idea of another new outbreak is almost too hideous to contemplate. And yet here we are in the midst of an international healthcare crisis that makes H1N1 look like a bad case of the sniffles. 

Half of the world's teenage population is currently in the grip of Bieber-Fever, a merciless infection which leaves them with a weakened immunity to squeaky R&B-lite. Patient zero for this disturbing affliction is 16 year-old Justin Bieber, an androgynous Canadian who was spotted by a talent scout singing on his own YouTube channel. 

In the last 18 months he's grown (figuratively speaking) into one of pop's biggest names, beaten only by Lady Gaga, who also trumps him in the testosterone count. As a result, he's already received his first Grammy nominations for Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album.

The announcement was made last night while the pubescent popster was still in London, so he stayed up past his bedtime to listen to the broadcast. Speaking to Fearne Cotton today, he said "It's amazing, I'm so excited! Last night I was freaking out, all my life I have wanted to win a Grammy." It's quite an accomplishment, even if the timescale he's talking about can actually be measured in weeks. 

The good news was probably just what he needed, since he doesn't seem to be enjoying London much, telling Fearne: "I couldn't live here because the weather is very depressing. But I like the girls! The food I don't like really." Someone should probably point out that most countries in the Northern Hemisphere don't  have their best weather in November. 

For those perplexed by the helmet-haired manchild's popularity, it seems that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Puberty is finally exacting its icy grip on Justin's vocal chords and threatening to derail his plans at world domination. 

According to a source quoted by the News of the World, "Justin is physically developing at a slower rate than most guys so his voice is only breaking now. He's working with the best in the business, a specialist called Jan Smith, to make sure he gets much vocal rest as humanly possible for a working popstar."

Which certainly explains why nobody bothered to give him a working microphone when he appeared on the X-Factor this weekend to 'perform' a medley of his hits. He may have thrown down some impressive moves, but he squeezed out fewer notes than a prisoner in solitary confinement. 

Even if puberty doesn't ruin Justin's chances at conquering the music industry, he should still be nervous. With Willow Smith scoring a number one before her tenth birthday, he's already looking like yesterday's news.