Justin time

To a world that has already endured its fair share of global pandemics, the idea of another new outbreak is almost too hideous to contemplate. And yet here we are in the midst of an international healthcare crisis that makes H1N1 look like a bad case of the sniffles. 

Half of the world's teenage population is currently in the grip of Bieber-Fever, a merciless infection which leaves them with a weakened immunity to squeaky R&B-lite. Patient zero for this disturbing affliction is 16 year-old Justin Bieber, an androgynous Canadian who was spotted by a talent scout singing on his own YouTube channel. 

In the last 18 months he's grown (figuratively speaking) into one of pop's biggest names, beaten only by Lady Gaga, who also trumps him in the testosterone count. As a result, he's already received his first Grammy nominations for Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album.

The announcement was made last night while the pubescent popster was still in London, so he stayed up past his bedtime to listen to the broadcast. Speaking to Fearne Cotton today, he said "It's amazing, I'm so excited! Last night I was freaking out, all my life I have wanted to win a Grammy." It's quite an accomplishment, even if the timescale he's talking about can actually be measured in weeks. 

The good news was probably just what he needed, since he doesn't seem to be enjoying London much, telling Fearne: "I couldn't live here because the weather is very depressing. But I like the girls! The food I don't like really." Someone should probably point out that most countries in the Northern Hemisphere don't  have their best weather in November. 

For those perplexed by the helmet-haired manchild's popularity, it seems that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Puberty is finally exacting its icy grip on Justin's vocal chords and threatening to derail his plans at world domination. 

According to a source quoted by the News of the World, "Justin is physically developing at a slower rate than most guys so his voice is only breaking now. He's working with the best in the business, a specialist called Jan Smith, to make sure he gets much vocal rest as humanly possible for a working popstar."

Which certainly explains why nobody bothered to give him a working microphone when he appeared on the X-Factor this weekend to 'perform' a medley of his hits. He may have thrown down some impressive moves, but he squeezed out fewer notes than a prisoner in solitary confinement. 

Even if puberty doesn't ruin Justin's chances at conquering the music industry, he should still be nervous. With Willow Smith scoring a number one before her tenth birthday, he's already looking like yesterday's news. 

Peaches and Haggis

It's been a big news week for the church of Scientology. Ordinarily, L Ron Hubbard's sci-fi pyramid-scheme-turned-religion only hits the headlines when Tom Cruise picks a fight with post-natally depressed women or John Travolta attempts to reassert his heterosexuality.

Nowadays, it seems as though they're operating the kind of one-in-one-out policy normally found on the door of a nightclub that contravenes fire safety regulations.

At the start of the week, the big story was Oscar-winning screenwriter Paul Haggis leaving the church over its mistreatment of gay people. In a letter addressed to Tommy Davis, the head of Scientology's dubiously-named Celebrity Centre, Haggis accused the church of denying gay rights by sponsoring Proposition 8. The proposition was added to the California ballot in November's general election, to restrict the definition of marriage to opposite-sex couples only, in doing so, overturning same-sex couples' constitutional 'right' to marry.

In his letter, which was published on a blog about Scientology and has since taken the internet by storm like a drunk guy buying beer, Haggis also attacked the church's policy of 'disconnection', which involves severing all ties with people who disparage the religion. After 35 years of loyalty, Haggis has decided that he's undergone his last audit.

But it's not all bad news for the religion so weird that it makes the Mormons look normal. They may have lost one high-profile talent, but at least there's another one waiting in the wings to take his place. Failing that, Peaches Geldof is also free.

Sir Bob's pointless progeny, who must make the Hiltons feel like proud parents by comparison, has spent the last few months exploring her spiritual side and decided that Scientology is religion for her.

In an interview with hard-hitting journalist Fearne Cotton (Jeremy Paxman must have been busy), the Boomtown brat has been talking up her intellectual side. Keen to distance herself from her hard-partying image, she'd like to point out that she's more interested in Stephen Hawking and Richard Dawkins. Apparently, waiting in the doorway of Borders for the rain to stop is enough to qualify her as an intellectual.

More importantly, Peaches claims to have been a Scientologist for "a while now", since she's keen to make herself a better person. I'm just wondering whether the fact that I wish she was a better person makes me a Scientologist too.