Oral fixation

No-one likes going to the dentist. On a list of fun things to do, it's up there with masturbating caged animals for artificial insemination or styling hair in the Westboro Baptist Church compound. I haven't had a mouthful of cotton-wool swabs in a decade - although maybe that's because I spent the best part of 18 months visiting an orthodontist every four weeks. The way I see it, I put the hours in up-front.

Unlike many people, I don't actually have a phobia of dentists. Ot at least, I didn't until I heard about Karen Butler from Oregon. Having flicked through a stack of three-year old magazines, she clambered into the chair for some routine dental work. It was only when she came round from the anaesthetic that she realised something had gone horribly wrong. 

When she opened her mouth to speak, she was shocked to find that her accent was a million miles away from the one she had when she'd drifted off to sleep. OK, maybe a million miles is an exaggeration - five thousand is probably more accurate.

Medical experts have diagnosed her with a rare neurological condition called foreign accent syndrome, since her Northwestern accent has been replaced with a curious hybrid of European sounds. Imagine Lloyd Grossman and Zsa Zsa Gabor arguing over the role of Inspector Clouseau.

Appearing on MSNBC's Today Show, Butler put a positive spin on her vowel-mangling cadences, claiming that she's quite happy with her curious speech patterns. Well, I think that's what she said, it's hard to tell. She could have been reciting a recipe for lemon chicken.

According to Dr. Ted Lowenkopf, medical director of Providence Stroke Center, "What happens with foreign accent syndrome to the best of our understanding is that a very, very small part of the speech area is affected so that the normal intonation of speech gets altered." It's often linked to stroke, head injuries and migraines - although it's hard to be conclusive since there have only been 60 recorded cases in the last 70 years.

Nonetheless, Butler managed to struggle gamely through the interview with Meredith Vieira, switching accents every time she opened her mouth. At various times, the host and the caption writers labelled her accent as 'British', 'English' and 'Irish', but at no point did she ever sound like one of those. Unless your experience of UK accents is based solely on a drunken screening of 'William & Kate: The Movie'. 

Maybe Karen's condition has nothing to do with the anaesthetic or the dental work. This could just be a previously unrecognised side-effect of tartar build-up or hypersensitivity. So here's hoping that toothpaste brands are taking notes - instead of photogenic women eating ice-cream and flinching, they could just highlight the dangers by running clips of Tom Cruise in Far & Away.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Mission: Impossible

It looks like three successful outings as superspy Ethan Hunt have started to rub off on Tom Cruise. Don't worry, he's not hanging around in the IT room or wearing prosthetic masks that miraculously make him a foot taller. But he has been embracing some tried and tested spying techniques, and they may be getting him into hot water.

Back at the start of the decade, Tom found himself once again battling accusations that he'd done more than just star in a few good men. This time however, there was supposedly filmed evidence of Tom making all the right moves with another guy.

This sensational revelation came about because Michael Davis Sapir, the one-time editor of Bold magazine, had offered a $500,000 reward offer for "videotape evidence that Cruise was gay." I guess the volleyball scenes in Top Gun were inadmissible.

Tom responded with a preposterous $100 million defamation suit, which ended up settled out of court when Bold published an official statement that no such video was in its possession (here's where legal thriller fans make a note of the difference between existence and possession).

With another troubling accusation firmly locked back in the closet, Tom was free to break Oprah's furniture, laugh maniacally and criticise Brooke Shields for having post-natal depression. But this is one story that's come back to bite him in the ass, and not in a good way (you know, like if a real live lady did it).

It turns out that, as well as hitting Bold with a lawsuit that would net enough money to dig Dubai out of debt, Tom wanted to know what else the magazine's staff had got on him. According to a new lawsuit that has been filed against Cruise, Anthony Pellicano, former "PI to the stars" and currently serving time in federal prison, was promptly contracted to wiretap Sapir's phone. So now Tom's being sued for $5 million for "invasion of privacy, disclosure of confidential information and intentional infliction of emotional distress."

Tom's heavy-hitting lawyer Bert Fields has already responded, saying “We did not even hire Pellicano to work on the Sapir case.” In the end, it's not really for us to speculate who did what and to whom - that's for the courts to decide. Although it's interesting that one of Pellicano's favourite new business techniques was to plant damaging stories himself about the stars he wanted on his books. Maybe he was the one who shopped Tom to Bold in the first place?

One thing's for sure though, it must be hard for poor old Tom to know who he can really trust. Apart from the Thetans of course.

Peaches and Haggis

It's been a big news week for the church of Scientology. Ordinarily, L Ron Hubbard's sci-fi pyramid-scheme-turned-religion only hits the headlines when Tom Cruise picks a fight with post-natally depressed women or John Travolta attempts to reassert his heterosexuality.

Nowadays, it seems as though they're operating the kind of one-in-one-out policy normally found on the door of a nightclub that contravenes fire safety regulations.

At the start of the week, the big story was Oscar-winning screenwriter Paul Haggis leaving the church over its mistreatment of gay people. In a letter addressed to Tommy Davis, the head of Scientology's dubiously-named Celebrity Centre, Haggis accused the church of denying gay rights by sponsoring Proposition 8. The proposition was added to the California ballot in November's general election, to restrict the definition of marriage to opposite-sex couples only, in doing so, overturning same-sex couples' constitutional 'right' to marry.

In his letter, which was published on a blog about Scientology and has since taken the internet by storm like a drunk guy buying beer, Haggis also attacked the church's policy of 'disconnection', which involves severing all ties with people who disparage the religion. After 35 years of loyalty, Haggis has decided that he's undergone his last audit.

But it's not all bad news for the religion so weird that it makes the Mormons look normal. They may have lost one high-profile talent, but at least there's another one waiting in the wings to take his place. Failing that, Peaches Geldof is also free.

Sir Bob's pointless progeny, who must make the Hiltons feel like proud parents by comparison, has spent the last few months exploring her spiritual side and decided that Scientology is religion for her.

In an interview with hard-hitting journalist Fearne Cotton (Jeremy Paxman must have been busy), the Boomtown brat has been talking up her intellectual side. Keen to distance herself from her hard-partying image, she'd like to point out that she's more interested in Stephen Hawking and Richard Dawkins. Apparently, waiting in the doorway of Borders for the rain to stop is enough to qualify her as an intellectual.

More importantly, Peaches claims to have been a Scientologist for "a while now", since she's keen to make herself a better person. I'm just wondering whether the fact that I wish she was a better person makes me a Scientologist too.

Raised expectations

For the last 25 years Tom Cruise has been at the top of his game, ever since he first danced in his underwear to Bob Seger's 'Old Time Rock n Roll'. In the decades that followed, he managed to find crowd-pleasing roles that enabled him to stretch his skills whilst continuing to up his cost-per-movie. But as his star rose, his accessibility seemed to fade, reaching a nexus point where he became more icon than human being.

After failed marriages to Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, he surprised the world (and Oprah in particular) when he declared his love for ex-Dawson's Creek alumnus Katie Holmes, in a gymnastic display of couch abuse that would have DFS workers crying into their scatter cushions.

When Katie announced that she was pregnant, cynics expressed surprise that Tom had it in him, or more importantly, that he ever had 'it' in her. But nine short months later, out popped Suri with a full head of hair (and probably an agent).

Now, three years later, Suri is back in the public eye, and she's certainly making the most of her profile. Displaying a tabloid-friendly persona that makes Paris Hilton look like Nell, the toddler has got the tabloids falling over themselves to cover her every move.

The current media obsession is with Suri's footwear, since recent photos have showcased a shoe collection that would make Sarah Jessica Parker consider infanticide. Questions are currently being asked about whether it's appropriate for a three year-old to be wearing 'high heels', despite the fact that the shoes themselves are about as high as an Osmond at a Christening.

Of course, it doesn't help that Tom and Katie have also allowed Suri to experiment with lipstick, nail varnish and accessories, as well as swigging from a Starbucks cup. Maybe it's not appropriate for a pre-schooler to try out make-up or develop a caffeine dependency.

The thing is, children have always tried to emulate their parents' behaviour. Little girls will always want to copy the things they see grown-ups doing, from tottering around in ill-fitting heels to applying mascara and picking out handbags. I just think it's nice that Tom is prepared to share that kind of quality time with his daughter.

Despite all the media coverage, there is a silver lining to this story - other than the fact that Suri is likely to develop the calf-muscles of an Eastern European shot-putter. Not only has Katie Holmes managed to win the argument about her daughter's education, Suri is also likely to hold on to the coveted title of 'hottest tot' - possibly the most inappropriate accolade anyone could hope to achieve.