Smell you later

Have you been into a Perfume Shop recently? It's like reading the index page of OK! Magazine - major and minor celebrities battling for supremacy on the shelves, in a cacophony of gaudy packaging. Celebrity fragrances are big business these days. You're nobody until you've got your name on a tacky bottle that looks like a zirconia-encrusted spleen.

Although she didn't invent the concept of celebrity fragrances, Elizabeth Taylor was definitely a pioneer, if only in terms of proving what a fantastic money maker they could be. Since launching Passion back in 1988, Liz has conjured up ten other best-selling nose-botherers, each one said to reflect her "famously indomitable spirit".

Regrettably, not all the celebrity fragrances that followed could boast such legendary heritage. Jade Goody, Katie Price and Colleen Rooney have all achieved huge sales from their personal brand of stink.

It's tempting to assume that the main reason for their success was that they had little or nothing to do with the creation of the scent itself. After all, who'd want a perfume that actually made them smell like Kerry Katona? Kebab meat, special brew and desperation is a pungent combination.

Speaking of unpleasant smells, Sarah Jessica Parker is planning another assault on your olfactory senses, having already given the world Lovely and Covet. This time around she's planning something a little unconventional, rather than the usual floral and vanilla notes you might expect.

In a recent interview, the long-faced shoe fetishist claimed: "It has taken me three years to decide on the scent because I really like BO and I think it's sexy. I wanted to figure out a way to make it palatable to everybody. I was like, 'How do you get BO in a bottle and make an atomizer of it?' Then it was all about trying to capture the sense of naughtiness in a bottle that it would be good for a man and a woman."

There you go - BO in a bottle. Because nothing says delicate romance and feminine sensuality like the stench of an amateur football team's locker room. Thanks to SJP, women all over the world will bathe, moisturise and get all dressed up, only to spritz themselves with the scent of three-day old gym shorts.

I suppose it could be worse. After all, it's only a month ago that Sarah was telling Elle Magazine that one her favourite smells in the world is a dirty nappy: “I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm like a baked good." If that's what she thinks cakes ought to smell like, she really needs to find herself a new patissiere. And maybe lay off the chocolate frosting.

Raised expectations

For the last 25 years Tom Cruise has been at the top of his game, ever since he first danced in his underwear to Bob Seger's 'Old Time Rock n Roll'. In the decades that followed, he managed to find crowd-pleasing roles that enabled him to stretch his skills whilst continuing to up his cost-per-movie. But as his star rose, his accessibility seemed to fade, reaching a nexus point where he became more icon than human being.

After failed marriages to Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, he surprised the world (and Oprah in particular) when he declared his love for ex-Dawson's Creek alumnus Katie Holmes, in a gymnastic display of couch abuse that would have DFS workers crying into their scatter cushions.

When Katie announced that she was pregnant, cynics expressed surprise that Tom had it in him, or more importantly, that he ever had 'it' in her. But nine short months later, out popped Suri with a full head of hair (and probably an agent).

Now, three years later, Suri is back in the public eye, and she's certainly making the most of her profile. Displaying a tabloid-friendly persona that makes Paris Hilton look like Nell, the toddler has got the tabloids falling over themselves to cover her every move.

The current media obsession is with Suri's footwear, since recent photos have showcased a shoe collection that would make Sarah Jessica Parker consider infanticide. Questions are currently being asked about whether it's appropriate for a three year-old to be wearing 'high heels', despite the fact that the shoes themselves are about as high as an Osmond at a Christening.

Of course, it doesn't help that Tom and Katie have also allowed Suri to experiment with lipstick, nail varnish and accessories, as well as swigging from a Starbucks cup. Maybe it's not appropriate for a pre-schooler to try out make-up or develop a caffeine dependency.

The thing is, children have always tried to emulate their parents' behaviour. Little girls will always want to copy the things they see grown-ups doing, from tottering around in ill-fitting heels to applying mascara and picking out handbags. I just think it's nice that Tom is prepared to share that kind of quality time with his daughter.

Despite all the media coverage, there is a silver lining to this story - other than the fact that Suri is likely to develop the calf-muscles of an Eastern European shot-putter. Not only has Katie Holmes managed to win the argument about her daughter's education, Suri is also likely to hold on to the coveted title of 'hottest tot' - possibly the most inappropriate accolade anyone could hope to achieve.