tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2833777214433063872024-02-07T03:34:21.449+00:00popvulturePicking at entertainment's carcassGarethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.comBlogger1008125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-21856158032817857522016-11-09T18:18:00.000+00:002016-11-09T18:18:16.709+00:00A letter to America.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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To whom it may concern.</div>
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To Hillary – We’re sorry that more than half of the forty years you’ve tirelessly spent in public service, have seen you endure a relentless attack on your appearance, character and, most troublingly, your capability. We’re sorry that you awoke today in a world that unequivocally values the Y chromosome over a lifetime of experience. </div>
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To the media – We’re sorry that constant accusations of ‘rigging’ and ‘bias’ have caused you to default on your primary responsibility of holding the candidates to account for their policies and pronouncements. By willfully misinterpreting the need for impartiality, your dereliction of duty helped to establish a false equivalency that enabled voters to glibly dismiss both candidates as being ‘as bad as each other.’ </div>
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To the Republican surrogates – We’re sorry that you were called upon to engage in months of endless, screaming misdirection and obfuscation, in place of calm, reasoned analysis of the candidates’ positions. Given that many of you are women and mothers yourselves, we’re also sorry you’ll one day have to explain your part in this nightmare to your children.</div>
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To the Democratic surrogates – We’re sorry that you spent the entire campaign waiting for your turn to speak, and when it arrived, found yourself having to make sense of an endless barrage of shrill misinformation.</div>
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To the ‘left-behind’ middle class – We’re sorry successive Republican candidates have repeatedly encouraged you to vote against your own best interests – destablising your communities, defunding essential programmes, and eating away at your standard of living – only to offer up a series of convenient scapegoats for the downward trajectory of your socio-economic status.</div>
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To the secret voters – We’re sorry you felt ashamed by your choices when asked by polling teams how you intended to vote. But if you were self-aware enough to keep your selection a secret, we suspect there was a tinge of embarrassment behind it.</div>
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To the third party voters – We’re sorry your need for bragging rights over your antipathy towards establishment candidates drove you to enable the greatest threat to freedom and democracy in the history of the Republic. </div>
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To the Obamas – We’re sorry that your grace, intelligence, compassion and dedication to your country was effectively squandered overnight, and that your country’s reaction to eight years of exemplary leadership was to elect a candidate officially endorsed by the KKK. </div>
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To the immigrants – We’re sorry that a country and culture that was founded, sustained and strengthened by generations of immigrations, has so quickly forgotten its melting-pot heritage and chosen to mischaracterise you as the enemy. </div>
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To the Muslims and Jews – We’re sorry that the concept of ‘religious freedom’ works better in the Constitution that it does in practice, which is why it’s now being re-appropriated to only apply to one religion. And it isn’t yours. </div>
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To the people of colour – We’re sorry that the worth of your lives has become open to debate, and that half the country felt emboldened to blame you for society’s ills, while the other half waited for you to show up and save the day.</div>
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To the LBBTQ+ community – We’re sorry your long-fought battle for equality in the eyes of the law may have all been for naught, as your hard-won victories could soon be overturned by a zealous and unsympathetic Vice President. In particular, we’re sorry that the transgendered community has been painted as a greater threat to women and girls in public bathrooms, than a newly-elected President who openly boasts of sexual assault. </div>
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To women – We’re sorry that your dream of shattering that last glass ceiling has been put on hold for at least another election cycle. We’re sorry that Susan B. Anthony’s legacy has yet to be fully realised, and that it was women who helped carry a misogynistic candidate to his decisive victory. We're sorry that sexual assault has been legitimised, enabled and diminished by an indifferent electorate. And finally, we're sorry that your body will now be legislated against your will. </div>
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To children – We’re sorry that you will grow up in a world where suspicion, bullying and intolerance are behaviours endorsed by the highest office in the land. We hope you’ll find alternative role models who will guide you in the right direction.</div>
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To Trump – We’re just sorry. So very, very sorry.</div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-54850840392273968942016-04-21T09:02:00.001+01:002016-04-21T09:02:50.294+01:00Let's not get blue, dear.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Whenever someone famous dies, there’s always a race to try
and encapsulate their magic in a hastily-written eulogy. And in a year that has
seen a virtual cull of the great and the good, there’s certainly been no
shortage of ‘hot takes.’ So I find myself writing this tribute to Victoria Wood
somewhat tentatively. After all, I’m sure countless writers have already posted
their own impeccably crafted tributes to Lancashire’s finest comedian, singer-songwriter
and One Cal spokeswoman. The flags will already be flying at half-mast in
Manchesterford. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But it has to be done. The thing is, I’m convinced that there’s
a whole generation of writers who feel that they owe Victoria Wood a debt of
gratitude. Not just for the laughs, of which there were far too many to
mention. But also, for instilling in us a love of words themselves. Rather than
writing jokes, which would have felt too formulaic coming from such an astute observational
comedian, Victoria Wood understood the idiosyncrasies of language. And she reveled
in it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Victoria Wood never had to rely on slapstick, wordplay or
farce. Instead, she specialised in monologues and two-handers – impeccably capturing
the absurdities and nuances of how ordinary people speak. Unsurprisingly, given
her Northern upbringing, she also had an uncanny ear for regional dialects,
which is why so much of her best material was reserved for Julie Walters, whose
own prodigious talents deserve separate celebration. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Despite being an exceptional stand-up, Wood’s humility and unassuming
nature often came through in her performances, which is why she was always
content to give the showier lines (and parts) to other members of her fiercely
loyal, but unofficial company of performers. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The characters who occupied Victoria’s world often had sharp
tongues, but were rarely unkind. The closest she ever came to abject cruelty,
was Walters’ character in the bittersweet TV movie Pat and Margaret, sniping: “I
can’t be seen to have a blood relative and a Lancashire accent you could go
trick-or-treating in.” Instead, like many of the Northern battle-axes depicted
on Coronation Street, to which Victoria paid unforgettable tribute in one of
her finest sketches, the humour often came from an unvarnished take on the eccentricities
of modern life. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In one classic sketch, written for Julie Walters, a woman
commented: “She’s trouble all round, with her bloomin’ sex changes. I never
know whether to get her to wash up, or help push-start a Montego.” Even in the
less-enlightened early nineties, Wood avoided making a transgendered woman the
butt of the joke. Here, the humour comes from the despairing practicality of
Walters’ character. In another classic moment, a woman reflects on her
suspicions about her husband’s affair with a short neighbour, remarking
angrily, “I wondered why he’d had that cat-flap widened.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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For many of my peers, Wood’s world of hairnets and pikelets,
bilberry yoghurts and opinion polls, was easily dismissed as safe,
middle-of-the-road. Mumsy, even. As my contemporaries sought out the edgier alternative
comedy that proliferated in the late eighties, or the surrealism of acts like
Vic and Bob, Victoria Wood’s knack for wringing laughs from words like
architrave and vestibule remained unrivalled. At the heart of her writing was
an understanding of the tension between aspiration and earthiness; pretension
and pragmatism. She understood the women who’d discuss the evening news, only
to fixate on the newsreaders’ outfits: “Three bangles and a polo neck, thank
you.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As an embodiment of Susan Sontag’s
definitive explanation of ‘camp,’ her writing delighted in treating frivolous
things seriously, and serious things frivolously. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Rarely swearing, and seldom conjuring anything spicier than
a PG rating would allow for, Wood was able to mine countless belly laughs from a
carefully curated lexicon of ridiculous-sounding words. Like the free gift with
every purchase of Sacharel cosmetics, her language was “packed to the
drawstring with handy-sized oddments.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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Her taste for the absurdism of the everyday often came to
the fore in a series of impeccably performed mini-documentaries that pre-dated
The Day Today and The Office by well over a decade. Despite being
laugh-out-loud funny, they had an undercurrent of pathos, even tragedy at
times, that showed where her sympathies lay. Her songs were equally empathetic.
Yesterday, Twitter was awash with misquotes of the legendary Woman’s Weekly
line from The Ballad of Barry and Freda, but there were other, lesser-known
gems in her repertoire that carried far more weight. In particular, Crush captured
the loneliness of unrequited teenage infatuation with just as much insight as
Janis Ian’s At 17, albeit from a uniquely British perspective: “I saw you
today, well, I just saw your blazer, and it went through my heart like the beam
of a laser, and I thought that today, you would turn around and see me but you didn’t.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve seen comments that, before Victoria Wood, women were practically
invisible in comedy. And no doubt, her success with As Seen On TV, inspired and
enabled countless other female comedians. But Victoria was never a trail-blazer
by intent – in fact it was her resolutely conventional perspective that allowed
her appeal to transcend multiple generations, often at the same time. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But there was something else, something fundamental, about
her influence. I realized yesterday, as I posted a hasty tribute on Facebook,
just how many of my deepest friendships had, in some way, been cemented by a
mutual, enduring love of her work. For a generation of gays, especially, here
was a language that was all our own. “Hold your ponies, Pam,” and “Can I crash
by, I’m a diabetic,” became a kind of post-liberation Polari. As our peers
waffled on about football, or the latest band vying for a place on the cover of
NME, we’d be laughing at the check-out girl’s dog blanket (”He were called
Whiskey”), or asking if anyone had seen our friend, Kimberly. Without realizing
it, Victoria Wood gave a generation of gays a voice; one that sounded an awful
lot like Julie Walters doing a Brummie accent. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Victoria Wood didn’t focus on underdogs – she simply celebrated
real people. Hers was a world stuffed full of Colins and Connies, Tunstalls and
Mottersheds. And to anyone who grew up North of Watford, there was an unmistakable
authenticity to it all. We could hear the origins of her humour in our own
families. I remember, when my Grandma turned 92, a relative bought her a
beautiful pashmina scarf. I commented how nice it was, and that she’d look
lovely if she wore it whenever she went out. She simply pursed her lips, and
said “I only ever go as far as the bins.” She wasn’t cracking a joke – that’s
just how she spoke. And Victoria Wood understood that better than anyone. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
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These aren't tears in my eyes, I'm just choking on my own
macaroon. <o:p></o:p></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-47926019926265931862015-08-31T20:26:00.001+01:002015-08-31T20:29:09.126+01:00Craven something deeper from horror<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj21i9GIvArh459_ZlJkyPEugwj2TjXMdEXbO7kl7iAN66OjmcUtZKLhG1TqnBbwKJDw-W99bbWSXuv-Mxkm-_shy-3teZI2EOK0EbmZyRCjW3MJ1AzEN_G2GqV2O8E22ionUTQ0ap3xmE/s640/blogger-image-275510771.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj21i9GIvArh459_ZlJkyPEugwj2TjXMdEXbO7kl7iAN66OjmcUtZKLhG1TqnBbwKJDw-W99bbWSXuv-Mxkm-_shy-3teZI2EOK0EbmZyRCjW3MJ1AzEN_G2GqV2O8E22ionUTQ0ap3xmE/s640/blogger-image-275510771.jpg"></a><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Horror directors are often mischaracterised as schlock merchants; exploitative hacks, happy to pander to the basest instincts of a lowest-common-denominator audience. In a genre that regularly suffers from an absence of wit, characters become little more than ciphers, kept alive long enough to lose their shirt, and their virginity shortly thereafter, before being hacked to pieces in gory detail. And the films themselves? Many struggle to pad out ninety minutes, with little in the way of story, dialogue or a compelling motivation for the killer or their victims. </span></div></span></div><br>And so it was, in 1996, that Wes Craven decided to bite the hand that had been feeding him for over twenty years, with Scream; a film that managed to assassinate and resurrect this most maligned of genres with one slash of a serrated hunting knife. Unusually for Craven, his role here was as a director for hire - the screenplay was all the work of Kevin Williamson, a young screenwriter who'd grown up on the films of Craven, Carpenter and Cunningham. <br><br>An auteur in the truest sense, Craven usually scripted his own movies, but something in Scream (at the time, called Scary Movie) spoke to his frustration with the genre he'd made his own. And although much of the arch dialogue and knowing references bit their thumb at well-established cliches, Craven knew that he was exempt from much of this criticism. Because Craven never played by the rules. He wanted us to believe that the hills had eyes, and that his horror films had a brain. <br><br>Wes Craven was never supposed to be a film-maker. His strictly religious upbringing meant he had no access to TV or movies, and only began his love affair with film when he went off to college. Academia seemed more suited to his quietly introspective and intellectual demeanour, which is why he started out a Professor of Humanities. After some behind-the-scenes work with his friend Sean Cunningham, who was later to create the <a href="x-apple-data-detectors://0" x-apple-data-detectors="true" x-apple-data-detectors-type="calendar-event" x-apple-data-detectors-result="0">Friday 13th</a> franchise, the pair concocted a low-budget concept for a horror film. <br><br>Depicting the graphic rape and murder of two teenage girls at the hands of a gang of drug addicts, and the violent revenge exacted by one of the girls' parents, Last House On The Left was a gruelling and unpleasant experience. But even in those early, lo-fi days, where Craven's ambition greatly outweighed his technical proficiency, critics were aware that there was a thoughtful intelligence behind the graphic cruelty. After all, few low budget horrors crowding the bill at the local drive-in could lay claim to being a contemporary re-telling of an Ingmar Bergman classic.<br><br>Last House On The Left was followed in 1978 by The Hills Have Eyes, which depicted a family fighting for their lives against an inbred posse of mutants in the desert. The story was inspired by the Scottish legend of Sawney Bean and his cannibalistic clan, and once again featured graphic violence, dark humour, and a subtle commentary on the nature of 'civilisation.' As in his debut, Craven was keen to explore the tipping point between civility and retribution, since he was fascinated with our own dark reflection. When pushed to the limit, he argued, we all have the potential to become as feral and bloodthirsty as our tormentors. <br><br>The early eighties were initially a fallow period, as Craven tried his hand at comic book movies (the forgettable Swamp Thing adaptation) and religious cults (Deadly Blessing), before creating the most iconic horror character of the last thirty years. A Nightmare On Elm Street was dismissed by every studio in Hollywood as a late entry in the already out-of-favour slasher cycle. A relentless barrage of derivative and tedious films had worn out their welcome with an undiscriminating audience with a seemingly inexhaustible hunger for seeing nubile young teens being chopped to pieces by an anonymous psycho in a mask. <br><br>Thankfully, Robert Shaye of New Line Cinema, saw something different in Craven's script. There was a teasing surrealism to the dream sequences, strongly written lead characters, and an enigmatic villain with a truly unique weapon - inspired by mankind's primordial fear of animal claws. In Freddy Krueger, Craven had created a genuinely iconic villain who was to Fangoria magazine what Princess Diana was to the Daily Express. The parade of sequels (most of which, with the exception of Part 3, had no input from Craven) may have turned him into the Bob Hope of horror, but Craven's unrelenting original made him terrifying, unpredictable and unforgettable. <br><br>Buoyed by his first truly mainstream hit, Craven explored other areas of the genre - rarely recapturing the same level of financial success, but always with the same creative vigour and vision. Many fans argue that 1989's Shocker was probably the low point in his career, as his mandate to create a 'new Freddy' was a little too obvious. As a psychopathic TV repairman with a psychic link to his estranged son, Mitch Pileggi seemed to enjoy his one outing as Horace Pinker, but even Craven's most devoted fans could tell that this was no franchise starter. Even so, Shocker enabled the auteur to pointedly satirise the wasteland of late eighties TV, culminating in an inspired chase and fight sequence that saw hero and villain interrupting multiple broadcasts across a number of channels. <br><br>Craven was back firing on all cylinders in 1991, when he turned his disgust at stories of teenage victims abducted and imprisoned in seemingly ordinary suburban homes, into a coruscating satire of Reaganomics. He even cast Ed and Nadine Hurley (from TV's Twin Peaks) as a hyper-real take on Ron and Nancy, literally devouring the urban underclass, when they weren't applying the old adage of 'See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil' with a brutal literalism. The film failed to find a mainstream audience, but those that recognised the political subtext, could see that here was a master at the height of his craft. <br><br>This winning streak continued in 1994 when Craven boldly decided to revisit his most successful creation; this time adding a meta-commentary about the role of horror films in a world with no shortage of real-life terrors. Craven was always a firm believer that the genre offers a cathartic release for audiences, and chose to explore this through a story which saw the cast of the original Elm Street returning to play themselves. Long before Larry David applied a similar conceit to improvisational comedy in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Craven envisaged a heightened reality that blurred the lines between fact and fiction. In the process, he made informed observations about humanity's need to contain evil through story-telling, and managed to make Freddy Krueger genuinely terrifying again. Scream may have popularised the meta-horror subgenre, but Wes Craven's New Nightmare invented it. <br><br>In reflection, it's easy to see the appeal of the Scream franchise to someone like Craven. Not only did Williamson's script offer some ingeniously structured set-pieces, it gave him ample opportunity to interrogate the clichés and conventions of a genre that often favoured insides over insights. Once again, he also demonstrated a sharp eye for casting, assembling a surprising ensemble that included Drew Barrymore, Courtney Cox and The Fonz. Unfortunately, the law of diminishing returns saw the scares dwindle as the glib dialogue increased, but all were shot with ruthless efficiency and a keen eye for staging. <br><br>Along the way, Craven also tried his hand at Oscar-baiting melodrama, scoring a nomination for Meryl Streep as a music teacher, an ill-advised vampire comedy with a 'difficult' Eddie Murphy, and a fast-moving thriller shot in almost-real-time. But it's only right that he should be remembered as a master of horror.<br><br>Wes Craven passed away today at the age of 76, from brain cancer. Part of the reason this news came as such a shock, was that he had shown no signs of slowing down, with novels, TV shows and films still in active development. Still, he leaves us with an incomparable legacy of classic films, that will continue to frighten and inspire future generations. <br><br>But even as we look back at his career, it's worth remembering the now-legendary strap line from his film debut. The posters might have screamed "Keep telling yourself, it's ONLY a movie..." But whenever Wes was involved, it was always something more.</span>Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-17000978496161110532015-08-11T12:38:00.001+01:002015-08-11T12:38:34.708+01:00Counting the Costa<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRwTrlljEoNRbKQDYCEn5zMTIkljuExbnRCQGWVOc3tyGNvuNEvmnYNBosxHYW6W5mMKWx27dpLtERUZptQWSspCgIKqjBPDlNFpPlCDvm4STN0lqZNkMDn_d95N_ni0udSq1aqgQWW8M/s1600/troubletop-eldorado.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRwTrlljEoNRbKQDYCEn5zMTIkljuExbnRCQGWVOc3tyGNvuNEvmnYNBosxHYW6W5mMKWx27dpLtERUZptQWSspCgIKqjBPDlNFpPlCDvm4STN0lqZNkMDn_d95N_ni0udSq1aqgQWW8M/s400/troubletop-eldorado.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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In case you missed it, today’s Daily Express front cover is
yet another lazy attack on the BBC, screaming indignantly that “This is how the
BBC is spending your money,” over the revelation that Songs of Praise is being
filmed at the migrant camp in Calais. Now, I’m as annoyed as anyone that Songs
of Praise is still on the air, but the fact is, the BBC has never been short of
critics for what some see as institutionalised profligacy. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Similar accusations were levelled at the corporation back in
the early 1990s, when it was revealed that the BBC was building a huge complex
on the Costa Del Sol for its bold new serialised drama. Costing somewhere in
the region of £10m, the critics were piling onto Eldorado before a single
awkward, barely audible minute had even been filmed. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It could have all turned out so differently. In those heady
days of pre-Maastricht enthusiasm, there seemed to be a genuine desire to embrace
an informal European Union. At that time, the only acknowledgement of a
bustling, dynamic Europe on our TV screens was the curious Henry Kelly-fronted
quiz Going For Gold. Here, a <span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Consolas;">retired dinner lady from Bolton could effortlessly wipe
the floor with a PhD from Luxembourg, simply because all the questions were in
English. We were, as a nation, cautiously optimistic about feeling more
connected to Europe – intrigued by the possibilities of open boarders, if not
exactly cock-a-hoop at the idea of a continental breakfast in Bridlington.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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In the seven years since its debut, EastEnders had grown
into a ratings juggernaut – regularly besting Coronation Street - despite its
oppressively downbeat tone and the kind of styling that made its cast look as
if they’d crawled from the wreckage of a burning meth lab. What was needed was
a sunny, cheerful, multi-cultural froth – focusing on a diverse group of
ex-pats, unfolding sofa beds, regretting the sangria, and suspiciously sniffing
the unfamiliar cheese on the Costa. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Created by the ‘can’t-fail’ duo of Tony Holland and Julia
Smith, Eldorado attempted to mine its mostly light-hearted drama from the
interconnectivity of a community that found friendship and love could overcome
any linguistic boundary. Or, at least, that was the idea. The reality, was
notably less auspicious. <o:p></o:p></div>
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For a start, the race to begin filming required a number of
short-cuts to be taken on the casting front. Filling out the core British cast
with native German, French, Spanish and Danish speakers was a noble venture,
but the casting directors forgot to check the English capabilities of their
European performers. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Within their own homes, the characters would converse in
their native tongue, which managed to disguise a multitude of sins. Bizarrely,
the powers-that-be had decided that viewers didn’t need subtitles to follow
these scenes; ignoring the fact that even Meryl Streep would struggle to convey
the complexity and nuance of unpaid spa bills in Danish. Elsewhere, the actors
were forced to communicate in English, a task that many of them made seem about
as effortless as riding a hostess trolley around Brands Hatch. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Not that the British cast members fared much better – many
of them delivered their own dialogue as though they were being prompted off screen
in semaphore. Unsurprisingly, only the older performers had any chance of
redeeming themselves; when they weren’t struggling with what appeared to be
some hastily-fitted dentures. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As if the dialogue and delivery weren’t problematic enough,
matters weren’t helped by the appalling acoustics created by the purpose-built
set. Unlike regular British soaps, which tend to alternate between outside
broadcasts for exterior shots and studio locations for interiors, Eldorado was
all shot on location. The sound bounced around the whitewashed walls, creating
a kind of echo-chamber, where every line sounded somehow less convincing with
every reverberation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The show itself went through three key phases, during its
tragically short life. The first, was its chaotic opening, as a complex
tapestry of faces, names and language skills attempted to deliver tons of
expository dialogue and background character details that could have been
ripped off wholesale from Blind Date – filed under “What’s your name, and where
do you come from?” <o:p></o:p></div>
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The show’s creators were clearly struggling as well. They
seemed to be aiming for a light screwball tone for much of the first few
episodes, but as a consequence, this left half the unprepared cast acting as if
they’d suffered a head injury. With no discernible plots to pursue, and a knack
for conversation that made Siri seem warm and engaging, many of the secondary
characters floundered. So it wasn’t too much of a surprise when the need for a
dramatic overhaul was announced. <o:p></o:p></div>
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With new producers on board, briefed to clean house with
extreme prejudice, the second phase of Eldorado took a decidedly dark turn.
Those performers whose line delivery was about as reliable as second class
post, were given their marching orders – and probably still needed help
following the directions. As the actors were issued with one-way Ryanair
flights back to Luton, their characters were hastily written out of the show.
And given how irrelevant most of them were, the writers seemed to revel in
their own ruthlessness. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Fizz, initially set up to bring a touch of youthful glamour,
went missing overnight, only to die off-screen when her body washed up under
Brighton Pier. This revelation came in the form of one of those two-hander
episodes so beloved by EastEnders, but lost much of its impact delivered by a
hyperactive Nick Moran in a badly-lit apartment. Likewise, the sudden
revelation that bumbling middle-aged restaurateur Bunny was actually a
predatory, opportunistic paedophile, seemed needlessly dark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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At around the same time, Gavin and Alan Hindle who, in
another life, could have sustained a whole series of Magaluf Weekender, were
dispatched back to Nottingham when one of them contracted schizophrenia in the
time it takes to brush the sand off a deckchair. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And then there was the double-whammy of Javier. First, he
was revealed to be Paco, the not-so-imaginary secret lover of Freddie, the only
gay in the villa, on the eve of his wedding to Ingrid. But before viewers had a
chance to process the first decent cliff-hanger in Eldorado’s history, Javier
died of carbon monoxide poisoning in the very next episode. Given that most
soaps feel the need to reveal their hand slowly – Bobby Beale will probably
have an OBE by the time the whole of Albert Square discovers his secret – this
rapid-fire approach to revelations rewarded those of us who’d stuck with the
show through its so-bad-it’s-good era. We thrilled to the idea that anyone
could and would be wiped out at a moment’s notice. Think Game of Thrones, but
with a few more crocodile-shaped lilos. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The axing of all that dead wood, did allow certain other
characters to shine, albeit not always for the right reasons. In particular,
the creators’ desire to celebrate the diversity of Europe often fell into
caricature and cliché. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Put-upon housewife Gwen was such a sad-sack that we half
expected to see King Edwards stencilled onto her blouse, and her belligerent
drunken Scottish husband made Rab C Nesbitt seem subtle by comparison. In
contrast to Gwen’s never-ending despair, there was Isabelle Leduc, the <span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Consolas;">French
housewife and aspiring novelist who was a constantly simmering volcano of sexual
longing. Delivering all her lines as if she was hyperventilating into a brown
paper bag, she was forever punching away at a typewriter in a shimmering
nightie, or cheating on her mahogany husband whenever he disappeared to give
another tennis lesson. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Consolas;">Olive the English busybody was an elderly Mail-reading
spinster, and 'Snowy' White was a feckless Irish handyman straight out of the
Builders episode of Fawlty Towers. </span>Then there was Marcus Tandy. <span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Consolas;">A
slick-haired snake oil salesman who dressed like he'd fallen out of a Bacardi
ad, Maaarrrrrkkuusss was forever barking orders into a phone so large that it
pushed the very definition of ‘mobile.’ And that's just scratching the surface
of this lukewarm gazpacho of multi-culturalism quietly curdling in the midday
sun.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Consolas;">And yet some indefinable quality, barely visible to
the naked eye, kept viewers coming back. Not many, admittedly. Six months in,
and it sometimes felt like there were more people appearing in Eldorado, than actually
watching it back home. By this point, the show had evolved (as much by accident
as by design) into a pretty compelling soap opera, but unfortunately; it was
too little, too late. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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The final phase of Eldorado’s short-lived time on BBC One
came, ironically, after the axe had already fallen. Alan Yentob decided to cut
his losses and called time on Joy’s bar. By this point, the cast members
surviving those dark early days had finally grown into their roles, the sound
engineers had fixed the audio, and the producers had delivered some genuinely
gripping drama. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As it hobbled to its unavoidable conclusion, one year after that
inauspicious debut, the fans finally had a show to match its initial promise.
Sadly, the rumoured ending, expected to involve the entire cast being driven off
a cliff during an excursion, never materialised. Instead, after 159 episodes,
the final credits rolled on a brave, foolhardy experiment, with lyrics added to
its plink-plonky theme, now entitled “When You Go Away.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The final shots saw cheeky bad-boy Marcus
Tandy and Pilar “You’re gettin’ right up my nose” Moreno ride off into the
sunset, after a failed assassination attempt. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A few weeks ago, someone with far too much time on their
hands uploaded the entire series to YouTube, so it can be preserved in all its
tarnished glory. So treat yourself to a guided tour of Los Barcos. Stop by
Joy’s Bar for a happy hour cocktail, be serenaded by the ageless (and largely
tuneless) Trish Valentine, or try renting one of the eight films in Spain’s
most under-stocked video library. You’ll be sure of a warm welcome, even if
Eldorado was never afforded the same privilege. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-27820049391580705212015-04-17T09:33:00.001+01:002015-04-17T09:33:47.471+01:00Two kitchens or two Jags? Why we shouldn’t give two shits. <div class="s4" style="line-height: 1.095; margin-bottom: 12px; margin-top: 12px; text-align: center;">
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">The morning after the Opposition Leaders’ debate, and Nigel </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Farage</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> is busy attacking the BBC for its “liberal bias,” arguing that it packed the audience with lefties, solely to </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">jeer at</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> his Dad’s Army-era world-view. And true to type, this will initiate yet another debate about the BBC’s perceived lack of objectivity. Never mind the fact that the right wing has such stranglehold on the majority of our news media that </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">ITV is considering adding “</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">N</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">ews for Hard-Working Families” to the opening titles of its six o’clock bulletin. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">But look – see how easy it is to lose sight of the real story? Instead of leading the coverage with </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Farage’s</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> complaint, journalists should be doing their job. Perhaps they could argue that even the most UKIP-favourable polls have the ‘people’s army’ topping out at around 12%. That means 88% of any random sampling of people is likely to be anywhere from ambivalent to violently opposed to </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Farage </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">and his chaotic rabble of unreconstructed racists, sexists and homophobes. No wonder then, that the trout-faced lunatic encountered some vocal opposition from the crowd last night. He must get that wherever he goes, except that in most cases he can’t blame the BBC for the boos. </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">He probably thinks that it’s </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Kirsty</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Wark</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> leaving flaming bags of </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">feces</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> on his doorstep. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Sadly, today’s politicians are masters of obfuscation rather than diplomacy. So instead of addressing difficult truths with well-articulated rebuttals, they simply change the subject. In the popular US drama Scandal, ‘political fixer’ Olivia Pope </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"></span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">regular</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">ly</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> advises her troubled clients to “Change the narrative.” It’s a simple enough tactic, made even easier when our complacent news media are willing to chase the stick every time it’s thrown.</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> And it’s getting worse.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">In the</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> five years since the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats en</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">tered into their unholy union, </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">we’ve seen unprecedented attacks on vast </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">swathes of the population. Zero-</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">hour contracts replacing reliable employment, job seekers forced into unpaid placements in massive organisations, and a whole class of people mischaracterised as scroungers, cheats and layabouts. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Now, w</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">ith a new election looming, and the opportunity to kick the coalition out on their </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">pin-striped </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">arse tantalisingly close, attention has finally switched to the people in power, rather than the on</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">es silently pouring their drinks, parking their cars and cleaning their kitchens. Unfortunately, the news media </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">still seems unwilling to unpack the real issues at the heart of the debate. Instead, they keep amplifying the </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">government’s talking points</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">.</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"></span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Yesterday, you may have noticed </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">that </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">all </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">the </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">rig</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">ht-wing tabloids were falling over themselves</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> to </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">level accusations of</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> hypocrisy and double standards</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> at the Labour Party. </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">It seems that the Tories’ out-of-touch </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Bullingdon</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> Club ethos is rendered moot; if it can be proved that prominent Labour figures occasionally shop at Waitrose or drop the kids off at school in an A-Class. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">So i</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">nstead of coming up with a tangible rejoinder to accusations of wealth inequality under our current government (and a </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Conservative Party </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">manifesto that </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">determined to</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> make matters worse), they're pointing </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">their </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">fingers at the opposition and </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">simply</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> attempting to smear Labour with the same ivory-handled brush.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">"Look," they cry, "Ed </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Miliband</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> has a nanny, and house that's big enough for two kitchens. Such rank hypocrisy for a party that claims to be for the working man [and woman]."</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">As a co</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">nsequence, the public do as they’</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">r</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">e</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> told, </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">concluding</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> that, where politicians are concerned, they’re all as bad as each other.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">In fact, </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">this notion of the ‘Champagne socialist' is</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> an asinine</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> non-argument</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">. It’s rhetoric that’s long been favoured in </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">the U.S., where Republicans have spent decades attempting to </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">portray</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> the Democrats as the party of snooty elitists, in order to encourage working class people to vote against their own best interests. Now, </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">our own</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">news media</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> is employing similar tactics, and </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">no-one</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> has the balls to take these</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> venal, disingenuous toadies to task, for repeating the same old fallacies.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Here’s the shocker -</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> being in a position of wealth does not preclude the desire </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">to see</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> a more fair and equitable s</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">ociety. </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">Or, for that matter, the determination and drive to make it happen.</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> Likewise, having money, and </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">empathising with those who do not, </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">are</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> not mutually exclusive concepts. </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">This</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> is something that our current government (and their </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">complicit </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">friends in the press) </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">struggle </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">to </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">comprehend</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">.</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"></span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">I've </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">always </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">argued</span></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=283377721443306387" name="_GoBack"></a><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> that</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">, when it comes to determining the suitability of our public servants, </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">intellect and IQ are far less relevant than emotional intelligence. Whether it's blithe comments made by politicians about how easy it is to live on the minimum wage, to the on</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">-</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">going campaign of misinformation about the benefits system and its dependents, inequality is always exacerbated by an unwillingness or inability to imagine </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">yourself</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> in someone else's shoes.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">That's why we should</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> refuse to sit silently by, as people who want to make the world a little fairer, a little more equal, and a little more liveable for the majority, are lambasted for having the audacity to enjoy the trappings o</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">f a successful life themselves. </span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">The fact is</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;">,</span></span><span class="s5" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 16px;"><span class="bumpedFont15" style="line-height: 25px;"> a life of comfort and convenience is something to which we all aspire. There's certainly no shame in that. It's just that some of us are a little more willing to try and afford other people the same opportunity.</span></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-60260423940823222122014-10-16T09:15:00.000+01:002014-10-16T09:15:52.077+01:00Lessons to be learned - The Apprentice Week 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span lang="EN-US">Ahead of the tenth series of The
Apprentice, which kicked off this week with an overpopulated double bill, the
BBC ran a cleverly edited compilation, designed to bring the uninitiated
up-to-date, as well as celebrate some of the show’s former glories. Less than
five minutes in, it became clear that there was a clear editorial agenda at
work. What had started out innocently enough as a mildly irritating celebration
of 21<sup>st</sup> century entrepreneurialism, quickly descended into a
farcical soup of hair-gel, mangled metaphors and hubris. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">With every passing year, the contestants
became more and more outrageously self-satisfied. Prompted into uttering ever
more banal declarations of accomplishment, the would-be Apprentii were never
really in contention for a job. They were just bright-eyed village idiots,
tricked into the stocks with the promise of a six figure salary and an Amstrad
Email Phone. Anyone tuning in for genuine insights into the fast-moving world
of big business was shit out of luck. Instead, this was a pinstriped sitcom,
with helicopter shots of the Square Mile to replace the canned laughter. And if
you think I’m over-stating things, let’s take a look at what I learned about
the cut-throat world of business from the first two episodes of Series 10. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Volume
and repetition trumps comprehension<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">You only needed to watch the girls blinking
incredulously as Nick helpfully popped on his Countdown mortarboard and offered
the synonym “Moral turpitude,” to know that they never had a clue what their
own team name ‘Decadence’ meant. Over on the boys’ team, they spent 48 hours
constantly imploring each other to “let me finish,” without any of them ever
making a point. Stephen, Canary Wharf’s answer to Hollywood Montrose, was a
particularly audible proponent of the “I’m sorry, can I finish speaking” school
of conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">It’s
all about sounding business, not doing business.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Whether they were talking about buying “two
kay-gee” of products, unaware that it had just as many syllables as ‘kilos,’ or
bemoaning the fact that “We forgot the capital,” when they’d left their purse
back at the house, the girls did a great job of sounding like five year olds
playing at being business women. I’d like to think that, had they failed either
of this week’s tasks, they’d have headed off to La Cabana café in search of Romy
and Michelle’s “businesswomen’s special.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Wearable
technology may be the future but it’s still a way off<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The brief in this week’s second show, was
to create a piece of ‘wearable technology’ which, according to the voiceover,
is a market that’s “worth millions of pounds.” Way to go, researchers.
Unfortunately, both teams completely missed the brief, and tried to stitch
random bits of kit into the most generic garments they could find. The boys
contravened every privacy law ever drafted, by plugging a webcam into the kind
of shapeless grey sweater that Susan Boyle would watch Take The High Road in.
The girls realised that every woman craves a black jacket with solar panels as
epaulettes, and a USB phone charger in the pocket. Plus, flashing red LED
stitched into the lining, so she can go to parties dressed as a traffic hazard.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">If
you want to get ahead, stand out<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The early shows of The Apprentice are
always a logistics nightmare, as clusters of anonymous suits run frantically
down alleyways and talk into their mobiles as if they’ve never used a phone.
The key, therefore, is to get yourself noticed, and two candidates achieved
this with aplomb. First project manager Sarah shared her valuable business
insights; advising her team members to use loads of lippy, short skirts and
high heels. Since they weren’t selling their bucket of cleaning supplies (£250,
thank you very much) to Stringfellows, this advice went unheeded. Over on the
boys’ team, Robert was head and shoulders above his colleagues. Literally. So
elongated that he could trigger Napoleon Complex in a giraffe, he relished his
lanky frame, and chose to dress it like he was renting out deckchairs on the
Margate seafront. Sadly, when Lord Sugar advised the boys to pull up their
socks,” it was clear that Robert’s time was up, since he never wears any.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Always
pass the buck<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">With responsibilities being handed back and
forth like a gift-wrapped turd, this week’s double-bill showcased countless
examples of blame-shifting. This lot didn’t even wait until they were in the
boardroom to start stabbing each other in the back. While Robert ignored Lord
Sugar’s suggestion that he PM the boys for the wearable tech project, the girls
took it in turns to push responsibility onto each other: “I sell scarves, I
don’t do styling.” And if your ideas end up being terrible, you can always pin
it on that passerby you asked for their opinion, blaming it “on our customer research.”
Top tip – never ask a woman in a lemon yellow twin-set for fashion advice. Or
Nick, for that matter, who confidently stated that the shapeless grey sweater
could “have a chance in the market.” Doncaster, maybe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">And
finally, never let the penguins get hold of the rubber gloves.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Not unless you want to create the next
Feathers McGraw. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-695214519779310052014-10-12T20:58:00.000+01:002014-10-12T21:39:59.826+01:00Checking for signs of live - X-Factor <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Dgg5Or3JqLkHhwvJz_dwLPcpxbBtlWwcTj3m_AouCHH0ERjCsNeP-O72w-Qxhf8nSuw_Rrj4GoCnnhjDZqjyxYuvs5Ubuo96eZvPUkvk2qUTGf8onR-meb92PB0_B4qrtLvjT0m5xVc/s1600/1897981_10152414745438302_8869679928231753091_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Dgg5Or3JqLkHhwvJz_dwLPcpxbBtlWwcTj3m_AouCHH0ERjCsNeP-O72w-Qxhf8nSuw_Rrj4GoCnnhjDZqjyxYuvs5Ubuo96eZvPUkvk2qUTGf8onR-meb92PB0_B4qrtLvjT0m5xVc/s1600/1897981_10152414745438302_8869679928231753091_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Turn down the volume, freebase
a couple of Berocca, and make sure the fridge is well stocked – tonight sees
the return of the live shows. </span><span lang="EN-US">Ordinarily, I’d be
complaining about how long it took to get here. But, to be honest, the early phases
of this year’s contest have felt decidedly rushed. Maybe it’s because there are
no real stand-out vocalists. Or it could be that we’ve bypassed the parts of
the contest where personalities tend to come to the fore; with the main part of
bootcamp being discarded in under five minutes. Either way, if I’m going to
complain about anything being a bit slow going, it’ll be tonight’s 150 minute
marathon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Since we saw them last, crying on a variety
of sun-bleached patio furniture, all 103 contestants have been given their
makeovers. Turning to ‘Blue Steel’ for the camera, they’re looking like a
million dollars (Monopoly money); and ready to hit the red carpet. Of the TV
Quick Awards. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">“Get ready Britain, it’s about to get loud,”
bellows voice-over man Peter Dickson at a volume that could drown out an
eruption at Eyjafjallajökull. Leaving enough a pause between O and Leary for
Dermot to curate another compilation of tedious bedsit rock, Dickson introduces
our bored-looking host. After the obligatory spin, Dermot welcomes our four “fearsome
music megalomaniacs.” Something must have gotten lost in translation though,
since we’re stuck with Simon, Louis, Cheryl and Mel B. The outfits are all
predictable choices, but Mel gets a special mention for looking like a bricklayer
trying to sneak his way into the Wrens. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The first order of business is a quick
reveal of the four Wildcard acts. This is where each judge gets to choose a
previously dispatched performer to return to the show in another judge’s
category. In a depressingly predictable segment, Louis chooses fishy Lola, and
Cheryl picks creepy Stevi. The other two acts don’t even get a face to face
invitation to come back to the X-Factor, as Mel and Simon make their decisions
via Skype – making full use of this year’s product placement deal. Of course,
for the lucky acts selected, boyband Overload (which is how we’ll be feeling by
the end of tonight’s show) and Jack Walton, the pressure’s on to look
surprised, even as a camera crew sits in their living room waiting for them to
take a call from one of the judges. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">With sixteen acts now assembled, there’s
just one more bit of housekeeping to cover off. Dermot warns us with grave
sincerity that tomorrow night we’ll experience a double elimination. I had that
once after a dodgy kebab. Nasty business. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Anyway, let’s crack on shall we? Kicking
off the first live show is Paul Akister, who’s worried about all the “massive
personalities” in the house, and has taken to pretending he’s listening to his
headphones to drown them out. The talk is still focusing on Paul’s previous
appearance on X-Factor, when Louis decided against taking him to the live
shows. Viewers of a nervous disposition should also be aware that another
familiar face is returning to the show this season. That’s right – everyone’s
favourite lunatic in a hooded onesie, Brian Friedman, is back with his own
unique brand of choreographed misdirection. Despite Brian’s best efforts,
Paul’s performance of Ella Henderson’s Ghost is lackluster at best. He’s
ditched all the falsetto, so it sounds like Adam Levine with a head cold. It
doesn’t help that he’s got all the stage presence of a coat rack, with a single
cheap leather jacket left dangling from it. I think the audience likes him, but
they also roared with approval for Mel B, so we can surmise that their judgment
is impaired. Simon advises Paul to forget about the past, despite most of his
feedback making explicit reference to it. And Louie gets booed, so he doesn’t
even get a chance to tell us how old Paul is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Lola Saunders was gutted to be sent home,
so it’s likely that her relationship with her mentor is going to be a little
frosty. There’s lots of talk about how she’s gone from 0-60, which should at
least prepare her for the National Express when she gets booted out midway
through the series. We’re only two songs in and already we’ve got Emeli Sandé
to suffer through. Someone thought it’d be a good idea to dress Lola like one
of the fighting gypsy girls in From Russia With Love, and although the vocal is
solid, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m watching another long lost Slater
sister. It’s also a shame the hairdresser was too busy with Blonde Electra to
do anything for Lola. Louis starts running through his cliché wheel and comes
up with ‘voice of an angel’ and ‘you deserve to be here,’ and Cheryl calls
Simon ‘Captain Fashion,’ which makes his fuzzy tits ripple with ill-concealed
pride. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Having been brought back as a wildcard act,
Overload have decided to rename themselves, using leftover suggestions
submitted for the other boyband. They’ve come up with Overload Generation,
which is as incomprehensible and pointless as their mentor. Tragically, they’ve
chose Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl, but not changed any of the gender
references. As a consequence, it’s five over-styled young guys, one in a skirt,
singing about the curious novelty of opposite sex attraction – a bold choice on
International Coming Out Day. In fact, it’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen,
and I’ve been in a shop that sold rubber fists. Weirdly, Cheryl says “It’s all
a bit typical for me,” which has me wondering where she’s been spending her
Saturdays. Simon calls the middle singer gormless, which will have to suffice
as a name until they’re voted off in a couple of weeks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">According to Simon, Jay James has been one
of his favourites since the start of the show. Technically, since before the
start of the show – you know, when he was signed to a label and opening for
Rebecca Ferguson. Simon’s not the only enthusiastic member of team JJ – Brian
comments “Everything about this is working for me right now.” Unfortunately,
that doesn’t include the lighting scheme, which makes Jay look translucent;
except for the ridiculous veneers that he could have borrowed from Rylan for
the evening. Here’s yet another tedious middle class white performer destined
for one of those ‘authentic soul’ appraisals. At one point, he sings “I’ve been
here too long,” pointing at the stage. You’re telling me. The feedback from
Louis is predictably surreal: “You remind me of a young Kevin Costner,” as he imagines
spying coyly on Jay while he showers in a waterfall. All the other judges seem
fixated on what a huge risk Jay took, as if he’d just replaced a two minute
mid-tempo song with a motorbike leap over ten double deckers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Stephanie Nala reckons she’s struggled,
since appearing on Britain’s Got Talent as part of The Luminites. Determined to
make her mark, Stephanie has chosen ‘Everything I Own,’ which I can only assume
was inspired by the wording on the Syco management contract. Her soft, high
voice would be great for pop records, but as a live artist she’s got all the
impact of an asthmatic chipmunk doing warm-ups on a treadmill. The arrangement
is reggae ultra-lite, and would make Ace of Base sound like Eddy Grant. Simon tells
her that there was something missing, but can’t quite bring himself to say it
was the tune. As Louis argues that no-one’s heard of the song, Cheryl responds
that it’s been heavily Shazamed all week; unwittingly underlining Louis’ point.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Jack Walton is the dull, skinny boy from
Leeds who has trouble sounding remotely enthusiastic about anything. He’s
trying to give himself a motivational speech: “I’ve got to prove to myself that
I can do it,” but there’s eight million viewers who’d beg to differ. He’s singing
an earnest balladeer version of Only Girl In The World, but at least he’s
thought to change the gender references. He’s strumming away, but it’s the
least convincing guitar work I’ve seen since Jason Donovan lamented the number
of broken hearts in the world. Cheryl commends him, saying “I would never have
thought to put that twist on the song.” Then again, she wouldn’t have thought
of singing it live either. Simon reckons all the chicks are gonna love Jack,
because Simon’s guide to passing as a heterosexual was published when there
were still four BeeGees. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Chloe Jasmine has had a tough week, and
sobs that she doesn’t understand why the press are picking on her. The fact
that she’s pathologically incapable of mustering a genuine sentiment can’t
possibly be the reason. Brian’s delighted that Chloe is doing a jazzy version
of Britney’s Toxic, because “I wrote this video, I get to do it again to make
it Chloe.” Oh Brian, never change. The performance is every bit as affected as
you’d expect – like an annoying regional theatre version of The Rise of Little
Voice. Tuneless, flat, and about as genuinely satisfying as a carob snack bar,
poor Chloe is exuding all the warmth of a polar bear with chilblains. Cheryl
steps up to bat for her artist, arguing “We should embrace people’s uniqueness,”
because posh white girls are the true underclass. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">After an ‘ask the fans’ contest, Louis’
overpopulated boyband has selected Stereo Kicks as their new name. I’m not sure
what inspired it, other than the likely reaction most people will have when
they eventually hear them on the radio. Just like Louis’ other boyband, they’re
doing a Katy Perry song, but even with eight members, there’s not enough oomph
to raise a Roar. Instead, it’s more of a strained mewl, and by the time the
light show, drums and pyrotechnics kick in, we’ve forgotten they’re even
singing at all. As they stand there, looking like a bunch of animated pencil
toppers in plaid, Cheryl disses Louis’ lack of imagination. "You could
have did something different," she argues, as my living room explodes in a
chorus of “Oh no she better don't.” Louis <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>reckons "We've got the next big boyband
here." But only in terms of headcount. Cheryl declares herself a little
overwhelmed by eight boys – she really ought to try a night out in Vauxhall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Brace yourself folks. Time for the bastard
child of Chico and Wagner, as Stevi takes to the stage. A life-sized plush of
Droopy the dog, Stevi smiles and jokes throughout his rehearsal, despite being
an aching vacuum of nagging despair. I just can’t take him seriously, with
those eyes that look like a pair of underdone eggs sliding off a breakfast bar.
Maybe I’m being unnecessarily mean – after all, he’s made a bold creative
decision by rearranging the entirety of Livin’ La Vida Loca for a single note. If the performance wasn't enough to make you question your sanity, the sight of the backing dancer ripping open Stevi's shirt to reveal his newly manscaped chest will do it. As for me, I've just experienced another spontaneous double elimination. In the interests of fairness, </span>Louis
charitably observes “You’re not the best singer in the competition.” Christ,
he’s not even the best singer in his own suit.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Lauren Platt can’t believe that, just a
couple of months ago, she was collecting her GCSE results, and now she’s
here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As her mentor, Cheryl chooses to
play the empathy card: “I know how it feels to be you…” Wait a minute, Cheryl
has GCSEs? </span>Finally, someone has figured out how to
slow down a song and bring out its strengths – Lauren’s performance turns the
overplayed Happy from a mobile network jingle into a nuanced and enjoyable
performance. As far as the styling and staging goes, they’ve over-egged her
youthfulness a little bit. Standing mid-stage, surrounded by balloons, she’s
looks like a nervous eight year old, terrified that a clown is going to appear
and wish her a happy birthday.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">“We’re crazy,” squeal the newly shortened
Blonde Electra, as Brian concocts an elaborate performance involving “unicorns
vomiting glitter.” Or whatever else passes for a Tuesday in his house.
Unfortunately, I’ve already used up my best joke on Blonde Electra. As has
Louis, by putting them through to the live shows. They look like a nightmare,
and I’m convinced they’re miming for at least some of this, since neither of
them has shown the slightest aptitude for singing at any point throughout the
competition. As they repeatedly sing “We’re the Kids In America,” I can’t help
but wish they still were. The feedback amounts to little more than an overuse
of the words “wacky” and “bonkers.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Ben Haenow (Haenow) talks about the contestants’
house as being a combination of prison and Glee, which makes me think he should
be writing these recaps. He’s overwhelmed by the size of the “gaff” – a clever
choice of words designed to remind us of his earthy man-of-the-people persona.
“There’s a few rooms I haven’t been in,” he confesses, leaving me to wonder
whether the bathroom is one of them. His performance is painful to hear, as he
strains on every note. All that gravel and vibrato, it’s like listening to
someone laying a driveway. Mel says she’d have taken him in a different
direction (away from the studio), and Simon says he’d actually prayed to find
someone like Ben. So there we go – God may have his fingers in his ears, but
Beelzebub’s more than willing to grant a few wishes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">As the show continues down its oddly
heterocentric course, Mel introduces Jake Quickenden as “one for the ladies,”
despite the fact that the most publicity he’s had in the last two years came
from a naked spread in Gay Times. Jake’s spending a lot of time working out
with his shirt off, which is probably wise, since his performance of She’s The
One won’t be key to his popularity. Cheryl comments that she’d like Jake to
focus more on being a great singer, rather than being better looking – a
classic case of pot calling the kettle “well fit.” Sensing Jake’s
disappointment, Dermot weighs in, adding "It's a hard song to
sing..." Yes, if you're not very good at singing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Fleur East’s story is about how she left it
to the last minute before having her big moment. The judges keep commenting on
how she came from nowhere, but given that she made it to the live finals ten
years ago, I suspect that either they’re not paying attention, or they’re just
hoping that we’re not. Fleur seems lovely, and is smart enough to pick Meghan
Trainor’s current number one for her performance. Still, it’s more than a
little ironic to hear a song about plus-size body confidence being sung by a
sentient six-pack. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Only The Young come across like one of
those performance groups that tour American high schools, telling kids to tie
their cocks in a knot until they’re married. Keen to do something different,
they launch into a saccharine rendition of Jailhouse Rock, which offers about
as much sizzling pelvic action as RoboCop. Apparently, they know exactly who
they are, which at least means they’re not suffering from multiple personality
disorder. Hardly surprising, given that there’s barely one between them. Cheryl
applauds their ‘professional chemistry,’ as if she’s still in a L’Oreal ad, and
reminds them that “You love stuff from the past.” In that sense, they got lucky
with Louis as their mentor. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Finally, it’s time for Andrea Faustini, who
still looks like he spends his weekdays making up the numbers on police
line-ups. For some unfathomable reason, he’s selected Michael Jackson’s Earth
Song, and manages to do a fantastic job, despite its inherent terribleness. It’s
good enough that I can forgive having to sit through two and a half hours – kind
of like watching all of Gone With The Wind just to get to the bit where the
girl falls off the horse. By this point in proceedings, the stylists have
clearly just given up, dressing him like a lazy vicar who’s just lost his
jacket. Simon calls Andrea a ‘bear,’ and Louis reckons everywhere he goes,
people are talking about him. He must be spending an awful lot of time at XXL. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US">If you’re still here, let’s take a quick
peek at Sunday’s results show. As Cheryl’s words “What the bloody hell is
this?” ring in our ears, we’re treated to countless interminable recaps and
reminders of last night’s tedium. Simon jokes that Louis is going to be voted
off, but we all know that even an anti-personnel device couldn’t shift the
grinning pillock from his seat. Dermot gamely trots through the numbers for
voting, but by the time he gets to Jake he looks like he needs a brown paper
bag and some Lucozade. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Next up is the group song, and they’ve
wisely selected Anything Can Happen. Partly because it describes their
haphazard approach to the notes, and partly because they’d struggle to do it
worse than Ellie Goulding herself. Chloe, in particular, seems to struggle with
the harmony, but she doesn’t strike me as someone who blends well with others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Tonight’s first guest is Pharrell, who
according to Dermot is one of the biggest stars on this or any other planet. I
bet even the Wookies on Kashyyyk are fucking sick of Happy. He may have the Midas
touch, but it’s failing him on this performance of Gust Of Wind, which has
merely turned to shit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Taylor Swift makes a slightly better go of
it, clapping and snapping her way through Shake It Off in a bejeweled two
piece. Despite looking like Christine Baranski, and having the kind of
cloyingly sweet personality that’s like chewing tinfoil, she’s hard to dislike.
As the audience whoop their approval, and Dermot does that awkwardly
ingratiating flirting that passes for onstage bantz, Simon’s smiling smugly, as
if he had anything to do with Taylor’s career. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Two acts are going tonight, so it’s time to
reveal who’s safe. Fleur, Ben, Lauren, Paul, Lola, Only The Young, Chloe, Jack,
Jay, Stereo Kicks, Andrea and Stevi are all through to 80s week. Jake gets the
last free pass, and Blonde Electra are given the boot with barely a pause for
breath. They’re probably regretting eating those pencils before coming on stage.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Now it’s just down to Overload Generation
and Stephanie to sing for their lives. The boys are up first, and haven’t
improved from last night. The one in pretend glasses keeps pointing at the
others to tell them when to sing, and one of them keeps bleating like he’s got
Shari Lewis’ hand up his guts. They’re all great at that classic boyband dance
move – pretending they’re milking an invisible cow with one hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Stephanie doesn’t do much better, but can
at least console herself with the fact that Brandy’s original of Have You Ever
wasn’t much better. She completely gives up on the melody halfway through, and
simply vibrates her way to the end of the song like a handful of loose change
on top of a washing machine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Simon and Cheryl chose to save Stephanie,
whereas Mel and Louis go for the boys. Ain’t that the truth. So Louis takes it
to Deadlock on the first show out of the gate. Not that it helps his act –
Overload Generation scored the lowest votes and now they’re going home.
Stephanie makes no attempt to look remotely sad for them, but even I feel bad
about the clip of them confidently announcing “We’ve come to the X-Factor to
win it.” The last word goes to the boys themselves, who thank the audience for
all the support they never got. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-14013426343666504372014-09-22T09:36:00.000+01:002014-09-22T09:36:02.916+01:00The Gogglebox Effect - X-Factor Week 4<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week, we spent over two hours watching a handful of acts valiantly repeating their introductions to camera, hugging their overly encouraging families, and attempting to win over 5,000 people crammed into uncomfortable plastic seats. That’s right, we’re right in the middle of the arena round; the most pointless addition to the X-Factor since Louis Walsh had his veneers done.<br /><br />Aside from the rather obvious bias of these shows towards the acts likely to make it to the judges’ houses, the most notable feature of these filler episodes is the addition of a weird Gogglebox element. Now we get to hear the opinions of random audience members as they pass comment on the acts, like Waldorf and Statler, but less life-like. <br /><br />Adding an extra layer of Goggleboxiness to this weekend’s action is Chloe Jasmine. Despite the fact that this footage was filmed well before any of the episodes actually aired, we get to see her parents pretending to watch her audition on a flat screen TV that seems as out of place in their home as a library in Cheryl’s. “Mummy, this is the television show I’m on,” Chloe announces. “Oh Chloe, you’re so clever,” her mother replies; clearly one of those parents that gives a round of applause whenever their toddler has a shit. The ‘getting to know you’ chat consists of Chloe telling is that her hobbies include “going to the ballet, the opera and experimenting with gluten free cooking,” but it seems that her real talent is pouting in slow motion. Her song is appropriately bluesy, but her performance is more two-dimensional than Jessica Rabbitt’s. Nonetheless, Louis loves her vibe, Cheryl’s mesmerised by her “old school Hollywood glamma…” and Simon lies that “we’ve never had anyone on the show like you before.” <br /><br />Fleur East has great hair and a massive smile, and previously made it through to the live shows nine years ago as part of an underwhelming group. She didn’t get a glowing response in her first audition, and when she starts performing it’s clear that she’s spent more time on her abs than her vocals. There’s zero melody to her voice, and to be honest, she’d probably go further as a backing dancer. Simon says she’s like a different artist, and I’m silently wishing that someone had switched her microphone for a paintbrush. As the judges all weigh in with their comments, it suddenly becomes apparent that no-one’s paying any attention, since Simon’s moobs have fallen out of his shirt onto the table, making him look like a furry Judy Finnigan. <br /><br />After a fairly soft opening, it’s time to bring out the big guns. Back by unpopular demand, here’s Raign, everyone’s favourite self-absorbed whippet. The producers clearly hate her, but know that she’s PR gold, so we get loads of contradictory statements as she tells us that there’s no room for egos, then barks orders at her friends as if they’re iPhone factory workers. As soon as she comes out of stage, she launches into another aggravating monologue that even has her friends backstage wishing she’d shut the fuck up. Ever the rampant egotist, she chooses to sing one of her own songs, and sounds like the Sia wannabe that she so clearly is. Still, the audience leap to their feet on the big note, despite all the other ones being way off. Weirdly, Louis critiques her for being “a real diva,” which must be the first time he’s ever used that as the pejorative it’s supposed to be. <br /><br />Emily Middlemass is 15 years old, and has the kind of good natured grace that Raign couldn’t learn with electroshock therapy. She’s a perky blend of Cher Lloyd and Kelly Clarkson, who manages to make everything sound like a folksy ditty. Although there’s not a lot of weight to her, she’d easily sail to midway in the contest. Since the producers have selected Yes from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack to accompany her verdict, I guess they’ve given up on trying to surprise us. <br /><br />Stephanie Nala is a bubbly girl with a pleasant voice, who lives in Cheshunt. “It’s quiet, not much goes on there,” she admits. Well, not unless there’s a fire drill at the Tesco offices. I wouldn’t have put her through, but since Yes is still playing, I expect that she’s going home happy. <br /><br />Another familiar face is KerriAnne, who’s come out in her best denim dungaree shorts to tell us that her first audition was “absolutely mint.” Sigh. She’s going to sing a Carrie Underwood song, and seems a little surprised when Simon adds “You know I discovered her?” The song is as dull as a bus replacement service, but it comes to life on the big notes. She’s quite adorable when the audience leap to their feet, and she seems so lacking in confidence that she’s genuinely in danger of collapsing in on herself. “You should be selling music not shoes,” advises Cheryl, but I think HMV’s had a recruitment freeze since the restructure. <br /><br />Major are a noisy twosome, who are barely onstage long enough to register. Simon dislikes their performance, for which Louis takes him to task; accusing him of being harsh. And yet no-one seems to pick up the fact that Louis’ opening line to them was “You are two girls?” With Simon’s critiquing style now firmly established, we race through a tedious montage of his most witless similes. The other judges replay them with a baffled expression, and the audience laugh like there’s a mild electric current coursing through the arena. <br /><br />Michelle Lawson is one of those late thirties ‘last chance’ singers. Despite being warned by Cheryl to steer clear of “all those rifts…” she knows this is the moment she’s been waiting for her whole life and nothing will get her down, not even a problematic T-zone. Given her tendency to oversing, And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going probably isn’t the best choice. There’s no enjoyment in her performance, it’s more like enduring a French listening exam. Mel advises her that less is more, and let’s face it, if anyone knows about making do with less, it’s Mel B. A dejected Michelle strops off the stage for a big sulk, and possibly even calls Dermot a “bag of crap.” <br /><br />Back for more, this time without her aged husband, is Scarlett Quinn. She’s already ditched the stage name ‘Kitten,’ and her unfortunate habit of speaking about her husband in the past tense, suggests that he won’t be far behind it. As she growls through Ain’t No Other Man, her voice is passable and she’s has a sultry Pussycat Doll presence. The problem is, she’s only about 30% of the singer Christina Aguilera is, so the performance can only suffer from the comparison. <br /><br />Closing Saturday’s show is Ben Haenow (Haenow). “Oy, oy,” he shouts as he runs out on stage, like the warm up act for the Family Fortunes studio audience. He likes music he can bellow out of his van window at people. I wonder how often his transit gets keyed. Ben tells us how gorgeous Cheryl is, while his girlfriend in tastefully blurred in the background. He’s doing a gravelly, funereal Wild Horses that makes me want to repeatedly clear my throat, and it’s almost as exhausting as Michelle’s vocal runs. “Well that was intense, I don’t think I need to say any more,” says Mel B, and I’m hoping she’ll stick to her word. No-one’s surprised when Ben gets four yeses, since he’s the last act of the night, and it’s an unwritten rule that we have to end on a positive. <br /><br />Sunday’s show kicks off with Charlie Martinez, the handsome young American who got Mel B wetter than a Glastonbury groundsheet. There’s no doubting his twinkly smile and impressive arms, but he’s incredibly bland; like Taylor Lautner in a pair of chinos. He belongs in a Gap shop window, not on the stage at Wembley. He only sings a couple of lines, before we get to hear the judges gush about how the girls are going to love him. Thankfully, Mel B’s seen sense (or at least a restraining order) and tell him she was bored to tears. <br /><br />Ten Senah was drunk for her last audition, and on reflection, she probably should have necked a bottle of MadDog while she was waiting in the wings. Michael Marouli doesn’t fare much better, coming onto the stage looking like a chandelier dipped in gravy browning. <br /><br />Janet Grogan is from Dublin and she’s 26. And just in case you missed that the first time, let me recap: Janet Grogan is from Dublin and she’s 26. If that seemed entirely unnecessary, remember that next time the producers do the exact same thing. So much of this weekend’s coverage is taking us back to the original auditions, it’s like watching the show in reverse. Any minute now, Guy Pearce is going to show up and start taking Polaroids. Anyway, back to Janet. She’s singing I Still haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, oblivious to the fact that the whole world is now in a ‘post U2 kind of mood,’ having woken up to find an album sitting in their iTunes, like a drunken tattoo. The song’s fine, but it’s not a star-making performance, more a spirited karaoke. Still, at least Mel B’s finally happy. <br /><br />Charlie Jones is 14, and has the kind of mum who thinks nothing of making him go to the toilet and checking him for clean pants on national TV. He sounds dull when he speaks, but manages to raise a few eyebrows with a weird acoustic version of Wannabe, complete with an inane rap that’s been updated to name check the judges. “You made yourself different from everybody else,” says Cowell, but that’s only because he didn’t really sing. <br /><br />Helen Fulthorpe is a timid mum from Cardiff, who looks like the OCD teacher on Glee. There’s an interesting gravelly howl to her voice, but the “Try a little te-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-henderness,” soon grows wearying. Simon commends her, saying “You put your family in front of your career…” Of course, the inference here is that all that’s about to change. They can make their own fucking teas from now on. As she runs in slow motion to embrace her kids, there’s a spectacular amount of jiggle, despite the fact that she’s dressed like a particularly dowdy pilgrim. <br /><br />Tom Mann is a cute 20 year old from Southampton, who announces “You broke my heart Louis Walsh.” As the lawyers scrabble into action, he tells us he’ll be singing a song he wrote the day after Louis sent him home last year. I think it’s called “Fuck off, you pointless grinning cockpipe.” It’s pretty terrible, but since he looks the part, they give him a second chance and let him Chipmunk his way through the Backstreet Boys.<br /><br />Jake Sims serves no purpose, other than to remind me of the enduring and inexplicable popularity of the Arctic Monkeys. As the wind whistles through the many holes in his face, Simon tells him “You’ve got lead guy charisma,” which I’d interpret as “Bugger off and join a band.” Jordan Morris is equally ineffectual, in a pair of bewildering pedal pushers. He’s another blandly attractive face, like one of those sentient mannequins on Doctor Who. <br /><br />Another familiar face is Jake Quickenden, who reminds us that he’s from Scunthorpe and he “just sings.” So no mention of the modeling or TV presenting work then. “I don’t like people knowing that I’m vulnerable,” he sobs photogenically. He’s emoting his way through a Jessie J dirge, but I’m more interested in why he thought it was a good idea to have a moustache tattooed on his finger. Simon lies about not liking it when rejected contestants return, despite this contradicting everything he’s ever said to anyone, ever. <br /><br />Leah Kennedy is like a Happy Shopper Jessie J, but her song is awful and there’s about as much energy in the room as if Ed Miliband had just popped in. Louis and Cheryl offer her a half-hearted yes, and Simon tells her he’ll have forgotten her before she’s even exited stage right. <br /><br />Our final contestant is Lola Saunders, the fishmonger. “I don’t want it to be a full time job,” she moans. Surely, if it’s a big supermarket, they can offer her flexi-time? Her granddad keeps bursting into tears with pride whenever he talks about her. They could make a whole show about him, trying to get a sentence out without dissolving into sobs. As the music starts, she has a bit of a panic attack, so Mel B lunges at her to offer an encouraging hug. She fudges the lyrics to You Make Me Feel (Natural Woman) but the clueless crowds are loving the loud noises, so cheer along obliviously. As her granddad resorts to communicating entirely in wolf-whistles, Lola leaves the stage with four yeses. Let’s hope the stylists are standing by – she may have a great voice, but the next X-Factor winner shouldn’t be dressing like a Victorian tennis player.Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-77345682136324477492014-09-08T09:17:00.000+01:002014-09-08T09:17:19.863+01:00The pain in Raign falls mainly on everyone - X-Factor Week 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Just seven days in, and it already
feels as though the X-Factor never went away. Once again, we’re plunged into a
world of cacophonous voice-overs, giant CGI Xs crashing onto London like
something out of Man of Steel, and so many queues of eager young hopefuls. One
thing that does seem to be changing, is the confidence of the contestants,
who’ve finally begun to come out of their shells. They used to rock on their
heels in hoodies, eyes turned to the ground, almost apologetic about taking
part in a competition. Now they’re up on strategically placed platforms,
dancing to the music that exists only in their heads as camera cranes swoop
dramatically overhead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It must be a slow day in Manchester,
as the local news appears to be covering the arrival of Cowell and company. And
despite the best efforts of the excitable ushers who are welcoming hopefuls by
turning themselves into directional signage, Manchester still seems as rough as
Mel B in asbestos dungarees. Cheryl’s not intimidated by the grimy vibe –
compared with her Newcastle upbringing, this must be like mooring a yacht in St
Kitts – she knows that “Manchester always delivers a golden nugget.” She’s
probably thinking of McDonalds. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #191919; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This week’s first wannabe is Ten
Senah. When pushed for a job description, she responds “I party.” I can’t tell
if this means she just celebrates all the time, or if her social engagements
are of the transactional variety. Having stayed out all night before her
audition, she swaggers into the room and announces “I’m gonna do an original,
it’s called 15 minutes,” as if she’s already cottoned onto the likely extent of
her fame. She sings like Beverly Knight, if she’d just eaten a pack of Marlboro
Reds, but the whole performance is a bit of a mess. Cheryl blinks some kind of
Morse Code warning to Ten, then adds that she’s not taking it seriously. “You
wanna be a backing vocalist – carry on, party forever.” I’m sure the stars of
‘Fifty Feet From Stardom’ might disagree. Simon sums things up, saying “You got
four yesses, why don’t you go an celebrate with a hot, black..” I don’t like
where this is going. It’s OK, he went with ‘coffee.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Less than ten minutes into the show,
and we’re already prizing open the cage door marked ‘crazy.’ Here’s ‘Queen
Christina,’ Britain’s answer to Lady Gaga. But only if the question was, “What
would happen if Gaga replaced Barbara Windsor on those Bingo ads?” Looking like
a decorative toilet-roll cover, she runs through a surreal opera performance
that sounds like a mouse tuning his viola. She tells us “A few years ago my
voice went into the stratosphere.” And that’s probably where it should stay;
like the posters say, ‘In space, no-one can hear you scream.’ Mel decides that
it was all a bit nuts, which is pretty harsh coming from someone with Geri
Halliwell on speed-dial. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Maria Ellinas is a receptionist who
looks to have had some cosmetic dentistry done, courtesy of Groupon. Her
veneers make it impossible for her to sing Street Life, without making every
‘s’ into a ‘sh.’ As the judges dissolve into giggles, I’m distinctly
unimpressed. Speech impediment or no, that was a load of sit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hot Charlie Martinez is with the US
airforce, and needed White House clearance in order to appear on the X-Factor.
He performs an anodyne bilingual rendition of Enrique Iglesias that has Mel B
out of her seat like there was an electric current running through it. Equally
popular with our judges is Charlie Brown, who croaks his way through Trouble
and is complimented for having a great throwback sound. You know, just like Ray
Lamontagne, whose song he was performing. Good grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ben Haenow refuses to dream it’s
over. He’s a twenty nine year-old van driver who’s seventy percent stubble. His
Ain’t No Sunshine is fair enough, but I’m kind of wishing they’d fade him out
and just play the rest of the Minder theme instead. “What’s the most unusual
thing you’ve had in the back of your van?” the judges ask him, and I’m
concerned it’s a little too early for #gaycode. The judges are happy to put him
through, but there’s an awkward moment as he goes in for a congratulatory
cuddle and Mel B warns him off with “I don’t kiss.” To be honest, I doubt she
sits down to pee either. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jake Sims has to look after his
sister and mum, and is hoping to provide for them by appearing on X-Factor. I
guess the odds of finding gainful employment in Bristol are just too slim. Kyle
and Josh are identical twins, and they’re wearing matching bandanas that make
them look like they take their fashion tips from the ninja turtles. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finally, after an interminable parade
of tedium, we meet Monica Michael. She might be wearing earrings large enough
for Beth Ditto to hula-hoop in, but she seems grounded and genuine. She’s
written a song for her sister, about the dangers of falling in with the wrong
crowd, and it’s surprisingly good. She’s less polished than Adele, largely
because she hasn’t had the benefits of a Brits School education, but the
sincerity and talent are inarguable. Cheryl weeps one of her photogenic
mono-tears, and Mel complements her “torn and versatality.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jack Walton is from Castleford,
which Mel B knows all about, since she too is from Leeds. I hope you’re paying
attention, since Mel’s Leeds roots hardly ever get mentioned. Unless she
happens to open her mouth. Jack might be the dullest 17 year old ever to
violate a sports sock, but the grit in his voice has Cheryl wanting to rub
herself on a gravel driveway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">James Graham doesn’t like animals,
but “could learn to love them” if it would win him Simon’s favour, and Bre
Musiq does a good job with No Diggity, despite having to perform it whilst
picturing Louis in a bikini. Returning from last year is a newly slimmed down
Paul Akister, who was dropped by Louis at the judges’ houses round. Louis chews
on his dentures and avoids eye contact for the duration of his song, then
refuses to apologise, bleating “I did the right thing.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Chloe Hedley tells us that “Music
doesn’t just mean a lot, it means (dramatic pause) everything.” It may have
prevented her from falling into a bad crowd, but it won’t be helping her get to
Wembley any time soon. Mel tries to look encouraging, but her expression
quickly devolves into an eye-roll. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thankfully, Lola Saunders is here to
save the day. She’s not very glamorous, and she’s desperate for a job that
doesn’t leave her smelling of fish. Insert your own joke here. “I want to
sing,” she admits, “I can’t do anything else good.” Well, public speaking is certainly
out of the question. She sings To Make You Make You Feel My Love, and manages
to make it something more than a karaoke cover of Adele’s version. In fact, the
only thing to spoil the whole audition is the judges’ protracted reaction,
which drags on like the second act of The Green Mile. At least tomorrow’s show
is fifteen minutes shorter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: 13.5pt;">Sunday Night</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Perhaps sensing the audience’s
growing weariness with the format, the producers are in a rush to get us to
Wembley, where the successful auditionees will be re-evaluated by a bunch of
mooing, jeering idiots. And an arena-sized audience. It’s an entirely
unnecessary extra wrinkle in the format, but it seemed to work for the ratings
last time. So this will be our last hour of closed-room auditions, and it
promises to be a triple-paracetemol head-banger, if the teaser is anything to
go by. Think Wilhelm Scream in triplicate, and you’d be halfway there. On top
of that, there’s a weird new special effect, where our young hopefuls’ texts to
family and friends are visualised on screen. Coming so soon after a bunch of
hacking scandals, I’m not sure this sends the best message about Syco’s concern
for the wellbeing of its talent. We’re also reintroduced to our judges with
some weird Terminator-cam – I’m just waiting for it to evaluate Louis Walsh as
a waste of ammo (one for the Guns N Roses fans there), but then we’re all
distracted by the sight of Simon nuzzling a puppy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kerriann Covell works in a shoe
shop, and complains that most of her customers’ feet stink. It’s gone eight
o’clock; you’ve finished dinner, right? Anyway, she’s playing hooky from work
and there’s every chance she could get sacked for her unprofessionalism. Her
mum’s on-hand to misrepresent the situation with a double negative;
inexplicably telling her “You’ve jeopardised losing your job.” She’s got a
touch of the Spraggans about her, but the performance is surprisingly authentic,
despite the double thumbs up she gave as the accompaniment started. Sensing
that she’s done enough to win over the judges, she smiles to reveal an alarming
amount of gum. Cheryl credits her with inventing the goosebump, and complements
her ‘gorgeous face,’ just as Kerriann gurns like Muriel Heslop. Simon takes her
phone to call her boss (he’s obviously run out of minutes on his own) and leaves
a message to say that, although Kerriann’s through to Wembley, she’d like to
keep her job in the short term – no sense getting her hopes up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As the auditionees make bold
pronouncements like “Cheryl Cole’s back. We’re in Newcastle. It feels right,”
we’re introduced to Lauren Lovejoy, who seems to be dressed for an ITV2 take on
Mad Men. Her voice is just as overstyled as her outfit, and she completely
oversings Jessica Rabbit’s signature tune. Stevie Tennet is still studying for
his GCSEs, so Cheryl voices her opposition to the inclusion of 15 year olds in
the content. Based on his performance, so am I. Maybe he’ll be better in a
couple of years’ time, but for now he sounds like he’s out of breath from all
the wanking. Not to worry, his audition seems to have done the trick. “I have
to say, I’ve got to eat a bit of cake right now,” adds Cheryl, cryptically. Either
she means humble pie, or she’s hypoglycaemic – someone get that woman a Krispy
Kreme. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Starlite’s star doesn’t shine very
bright. It doesn’t help that she’s wearing an unflattering black catsuit and an
orange visor, and parades around the audition room being rude to the judges. Her
rendition of I Will Survive is just as unintelligible as her own composition,
but the audience outside laugh along with their favourite kind of
idiot-baiting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Doctor King, comes from Leeds, lives
in Bristol and has decided to audition in Newcastle. He’s got lovely blue eyes,
but there’s clearly nothing behind them. He attempts a terrible rap, then cops
an attitude when the judges prove resolutely unmoved. Cheryl schools him on the
difference between ‘entrance’ and ‘exit,’ by which point it’s quite clear that
he needs to rethink his life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now it’s time for the star of
tonight’s show – the curiously spelled Raign. Looking like a cross between
Stacey Solomon and a whippet trapped in a lift door, the 31 year-old launches
into an incomprehensible monologue, talking over all the judges and winding up
Mel and Cheryl before she’s sung a note: “I am an artist, singer-songwriter,
writer, really cool, alternative, gets all chart stuff, I think a big part of
what I’ve got to sell to the world is my personality, what I need to say to my
fans, it’s not enough for me over twitter, they love it up on twitter, but I’m
a personality and I wanna be in the world.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She boasts that she once took a
duvet in a suitcase to L.A., but her story would be a lot more interesting if
it went somewhere. Actually, so would she. She drones on and on in her monotonous
voice, and it’s like listening to a call centre worker read through the Ts and
Cs on a new insurance policy. Raign rejects the suggestion that her career
isn’t going to plan, telling us “I’m number 17 in Russia. I have a whole team
of people, my friend works at Marc Jacobs.” I know someone who works at Waitrose.
What’s her point? Her audition is terrible, and things aren’t made any better
when she dismisses the other judges; telling them that Simon’s is the only vote
that matters. Eagle-eared viewers should, by now, have noticed that the
producers are accompanying this footage with the music from 28 Days Later.
Cheryl’s getting more and more wound up, so let’s hope Raign tries to offer her
a lollipop and a hand towel. Having been rejected, Raign storms back in and
forces Simon to put her through. Cheryl comments on the ugliness of her
desperation, thereby sealing her fate as the mentor for the ‘Overs’ this year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Other contestants in the saggy
midsection include Janet Grogan, who tells us “My parents mean the absolute
universe to me,” because sometimes, the world is not enough. Emily Middlemas is
like a squeaky an inoffensive Cher Lloyd, and Lizzy Pattinson is like Michaela
Strachan singing Smelly Cat. “Have we met before,” smarms Simon. “Maybe in your
dreams,” she shoots back. She’ll go a long way, this one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Michael Rise works in a chip shop
and bores us with his tale of “washing’t tayties.” “What’s popular?” asks a
clearly bored Simon, and Michael disappoints everyone by not replying. “Chips.”
They’re all shocked that he’s singing Whitney Houston, whereas I’m more surprised
he picked something off her embarrassing final album. His performance is solid,
if a little theatrical, but he’s quite endearing as he chews his fist, awaiting
the verdict. Simon and Cheryl decide that he’s a “little diva” and Louis looks
affronted that he didn’t get to use his favourite word. “If you get a yes from
Mel, then you must be alright,” adds Louis. Yeah, that’s what Jimmy Gulzar
thought too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kayleigh Manners is a gorgeous young
girl with an L-Word vibe and too many facial piercings. She complains that “The
place where I come from, gets a bit of a bad reputation. But Mel B came from
here.” The two facts may be connected. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The final slot in the auditions goes
to Jake Quickenden, a pretty boy from two years ago. Since appearing on the
show, he’s signed with agents and been working as a model and TV presenter. He
even had his airbrushed arse on display in Gay Times. But none of this is
mentioned, since there’s TRAGEDY to cover. He starts with a John Legend song
that isn’t working, so Mel and Cheryl ask him to sing something else, but
resist the urge to tell him to try it without the shirt. His second performance
is better, and to no-one’s surprise, the judges all agree to put him through.
Mel “I don’t do kisses” B gets up and gropes him. “He didn’t even mention that
sob story till I asked him,” she adds, neglecting to mention that they’ve got
extensive notes in front of them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Still, that’s the shortlist sorted –
next week, we’re off to Wembley. See you there. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-66288451840751708892014-09-06T19:55:00.000+01:002014-09-07T18:05:52.896+01:00Happy 1000th Post!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />I realised last week that this post would be my 1000th. Given that most blogs rarely make it into double figures, I think 1,000 is a pretty impressive landmark. When I reflect on my writing, I'm usually overly critical, worrying that its in-the-moment nature tends to limit its shelf-life. So I thought that I'd take a look back at my favourite posts and select some quotes that still stand up. These are the things I've enjoyed writing the most, over the last five years. I hope you enjoy reading them. <br /><br />On Casey Bachelor - Casey calls herself a model, but if you only appear in things like Nuts and Zoo, you’re not actually a model; you’re a stripper who can’t dance. <br /><br />On Fashion Icons - To say that they spend their time designing outfits that beautify and celebrate the female form, the most successful fashion designers are a breathtakingly unattractive bunch. <a href="http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2008/03/Karl%20Lagerfeld.JPG">Karl Lagerfeld </a>looks like Billy Idol's blind granddad, and <a href="http://evilbeetgossip.film.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/donatella_ick2.jpg">Donatella Versace</a> resembles a hard-up porn star carved out of a giant pork scratching.<br /><br />On The Jump – Steve Redgrave’s slalom is very impressive, and he’s tighter on the poles than UKIP, but I’m distracted by the deafening clang of cowbells on his descent – like someone’s jammed a goat in a tumble dryer.<br /><br />On The Taste - When the dialogue isn’t pure smut, it’s loaded with overblown self-importance: “You lost me at the puree” growls Bourdain disdainfully, like he’s serving divorce papers in a tempura batter.<br /><br />On The Chicken Shop - With aspiration and opportunity at an all-time low, the chicken shop represents a nation in stagnation. Food selected purely for its low price, rather than taste or provenance. Social interactions that depend on name badges to create the illusion of intimacy. And a zesty lemon-scented wet wipe to clear away a lifetime of broken dreams. The sad reality of the chicken shop is that, despite <a href="http://www.sabotagetimes.com/music/singles-round-up-little-mix-deliver-a-pop-near-classic/">Little Mix</a>‘s empowering assertions, some wings were only made to fry.<br /><br />On Movie Femme Fatales - “Have you ever fucked on cocaine, Nick? It’s intense.” Catherine Tramell isn’t the most subtle pick-up artist, but you have to admire her front. Then again, it’s hard to miss when she keeps uncrossing her legs like that. <br /><br />On Blonde Electric - They’re the most irritating twosome since an Irish obstetrician said “Congratulations Mrs Grimes, it’s a pair of cunts.”<br /><br />On The Voice - Ash Morgan makes a big deal about being from The Valleys, but I guess everywhere looks like a valley when you’re built like a hillock. <br /><br />On The Apprentice - Doctor Leah is decidedly unimpressed with Zee’s hubris, and makes her counter-pitch: “I’m a good leader, great with finance. I don’t have a lot of local knowledge but I can convert the currency really easily.” After all, isn’t that what they really need: a pouty-lipped Foreign Exchange? The other team is being led by silver fox Myles Morduant, who sounds like one of Harry Potter’s unforgivable curses.<br /><br />On Louis Spence - His special skill appears to be constantly turning around and splaying his fingers. He’s developed an annoying habit of answering his own questions, and uses far to many s-sounds for someone with such a freakishly short tongue. Most of the time he sounds like someone trying to throttle a rattlesnake.<br /><br />On Lauren Harries - Clearly, enough time has passed for her to convince herself that she was a child prodigy, in spite of the archive video evidence that shows the young ‘expert’ declaring “Antiques should always look old.” Lauren has been living as a woman for 15 years, and dressing like a Rovers barmaid for ten of them. <br /><br />On ITV shit-com Duty Free - The would-be couple’s illicit liaisons became increasingly improbable, not least because Van Gyseghem constantly wore an expression that suggested she’d located the source of an unpleasant smell in her Marbella hotel room. My money’s on Brut aftershave and a pair of sweat-damaged espadrilles.<br /><br />On Joey Essex - The fact is, this show is all about one man – Joey Essex. Thicker than a bucket of hippo cum, Joey is all set to be the star of this series. With those ridiculous Daffy Duck teeth that are bright enough to attract moths, he’s the gift that keeps on giving. <br /><br />Boris Johnson - A <a href="http://sabotagetimes.com/category/food-and-drink/">shapeless suet dumpling</a>, dressed in a suit he found on a pile outside Oxfam, he’s successfully convinced a majority of voters that he’s the best person to run one of the most diverse and dynamic cities on Earth. It doesn’t seem to matter that he’s barely fit to lead a team on Call My Bluff. <br /><br />On Sam Bailey’s X-Factor Win - And finally, it’s time for the least surprising victory since Kim Jong-un took part in the primary school egg and spoon race.<br /><br />On Question Time - The one stand-out moment of John Lydon’s appearance, was him referring to the Barclays rate-fixing as “shenanigans” – as though cheating the country was akin to a pair of hapless removalists trying to get a piano up a flight of stairs.<br /><br />On Steve Jobs’ Passing - Critics scoff, and tell us to get a life. But only because they haven’t drunk the Appletini flavoured Kool-Aid. And that’s the thing about Steve Jobs. He doesn’t just leave behind a legacy of intuitive, beautifully designed gadgetry. He leaves behind a movement of loyal followers who will mourn his passing as if he was a member of their extended family. Steve, you made a cult out of all of us. Damn you autocorrect…<br /><br />On Iceland’s Sponsorship of I’m A Celebrity - I’m not entirely sure that a show about people cramming foul things into their mouths is the best advertising platform for a supermarket chain. Especially since Iceland’s exclusive £1 deep-pan doner kebab pizza would have me hungrily eyeing up a wallaby’s ball-sack.<br /><br />On Tom Daley’s Splash - Tonight, Omid Djalili, Jade Ewen, Jake Canuso, Helen Lederer and Jenni Falconer “will be facing the most terrifying experience of their lives”. Fuck the ten metre board, it’s going to be more frightening trying to get an agent to take their calls tomorrow morning. In standard reality show fashion, we’ve even got a panel of judges, comprised of Team GB coach Andy Banks, Olympic diver Leon Taylor, and Jo Brand, who is to diving what Ann Widdecombe is to nipple clamps. <br /><br />On Desperate Scousewives – Jodie is now interviewing for a salon job with Mark and Chris. Mark tells Jodie “We’re really looking at anal bleaching”, to which she responds with “That’s a bit Hollywood isn’t it. We’re only in Anfield.” She’s got a point, I can see plenty of orange twats, but not a single pasty arsehole.<br /><br />On TV Schedules - Wednesday evenings don’t exactly constitute an embarrassment of riches, so I’m forced to choose between Two Jews On A Cruise, Claire Richards Slave To Food, or <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00x9cjq">Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents</a>. Somewhere in West London, a cabal of commissioning editors are flicking through a dog-eared copy of Charlie Brooker’s TV Go Home and laughing their arses off.<br /><br />On Donald Trump Jr’s Elephant Hunting - Whereas most people might view these gentle giants as one of nature’s most awe-inspiring marvels, these cunts only see a matching set of umbrella stands.<br /><br />On The Link Between Dolly and Gaga – Lady Gaga managed to steal all the limelight by turning up in a giant yellow plastic egg, like the world’s most self-involved Kinder Surprise.<br /><br />On Extreme Couponing - All the superlatives in the world can’t disguise the fact that this is a show about people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic-buying enough laundry detergent to last them well into the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapture">Rapture</a>. You’ll hear them proudly stating that they spend up to “30 hours a week couponing”. Just picture how much richer they’d be if they’d actually spent that time working, rather than buying a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonne">metric tonne</a> of handwash. It’s called a false economy.<br /><br />On <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ron_Jeremy">Ron Jeremy</a> - The last three decades have seen him doing more ploughing than all the potato farmers in Norfolk. Some people’s beauty lies below the surface, Ron’s lies below the belt. He may have been at the back of the queue when God handed out beauty, but he pushed to the front like a <a href="http://www.sabotagetimes.com/tv-film/werner-herzogs-cave-of-forgotten-dreams-in-3d/">German</a> at Disneyland when it came to cock-size.<br /><br />On Jodie Marsh - But the ultimate case of ‘pot calling kettle an orange whore’ came this week, when Jodie Marsh accused the carotene crew of <a href="http://www.sabotagetimes.com/tv-film/essex-and-the-pithy/">The Only Way Is Essex</a> of giving her fair county a bad name.<br /><br />On Keeping Up With The Kardashians - Here we are at the start of Season Six, and this is my first real brush with the Kardashian Klan, even though I’ve already used the ‘K’ key so much that my laptop thinks I’m a white supremacist. <br /><br />On Sugar Daddies - The air-quotes around ‘financial assistance’ are particularly telling since, by all accounts, any transactions taking place will be predominantly nightstand-based. Maybe I’m counting my tricks before they’ve matched, but it certainly seems as though the producers are looking to cast their newest stars from the world’s oldest profession.<br /><br />On Michael O’Leary’s Cost Cutting - If you’ve ever watched one of the <a href="http://www.sabotagetimes.com/travel/airport-lounges-you-wont-want-to-leave/">Airport</a> movies, you’ll know that pilots have the second most dangerous job in the world, after Naomi Campbell’s PA. When they’re not having heart attacks or getting food poisoning mid-flight, they’re being hit in the face with a microlite. With no George Kennedy or Charlton Heston in the control tower, the stewardesses will need to swot up beforehand, so they’re ready in case of a crisis. Just don’t be surprised if the training for an emergency landing is covered in less time than it takes to microwave an all-day breakfast panini.<br /><br />On Hilary Devey - This week’s would-be entrepreneurs are a fairly agreeable lot. We have Nick, Richard and Sebastian, who’ve invented an automated pint-pouring device to help bar staff multitask. Hilary helpfully points out that “I’ve been in and out of pubs all my life.” My parents had a name for women like her.<br /><br />On TOWIE - In preparation for tonight’s episode, I checked out the official TOWIE Twitter feed, which asked “Who’s looking forward to this evening’s episode of TOWIE? It’s going to be explosive!” Perhaps Nanny Pat’s sausage plait needed a bit longer in the oven.<br /><br />On Katie Price’s Search for a Supermodel - The narrator tells us that “from small beginnings, Katie Price has made it big,” thanks largely to a parade of <a href="http://www.sabotagetimes.com/life/face-transplant/">surgeons</a> who knew where to hide the air valves. She’s now one of the UK’s most talked about women, mostly amongst people who say: “What the fuck does she look like?” <br /><br />On The Devil’s Dinner Party – Host Pip Torrens looks and acts like Lurch from the Addams Family, with a smidge of Evan Davies’ creepy ‘leather daddy’ vibe. As his guests make their awkward introductions, he looms into view to announce, “I make the Devil’s mischief. It’s time to play.” Strap on your ball-gags, tonight’s safety word is “crabcake”.Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-82749346916483917572014-09-01T09:34:00.001+01:002014-09-01T09:34:37.791+01:00X Marks The Rot<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span lang="EN-US">It might still be August, but my mind’s
already on Christmas. Not that I’m in any rush to wish my life away, but the
moment those unmistakable opening titles begin, I’m reminded of the fact that
this show is going to dominate the TV schedule until it’s thrown up the next
Xmas Number One. Depressing stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">In its 11th year, the writing is clearly on
the wall, and I don’t mean that derogatory graffiti about Louis in the gents’ cubicles.
With three failed attempts at selling the format to an indifferent American
audience under his belt (or chinstrap; whichever’s closer), Simon’s returned
with his tail between his legs. In typically disingenuous style, Cowell
announces that this is “A job so important that I simply had to come back.” He
could equally be referring to the less than stellar line up of winners we’ve
had since he went stateside. James Arthur’s career had the same shelf-life as
an undercooked soufflé, and Sam Bailey is surely just months away from her
first big Butlins booking. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Hoping to relive the glory years of the
show’s popularity, Simon’s brought back Cheryl (Don’t say Cole, don’t say Cole)
Fernandez-Versini, who poses seductively on a motorbike outside Somerset House.
In addition, Mrs O has been replaced by Mel B, whose speaking voice still
sounds like the klaxon from Hans Zimmer’s Inception score, but with a Leeds
accent that could pickle an egg. She’s been asked to pose with a glass of
champagne on a private jet, despite having all the sophistication of an Artex
ceiling. “I was in the biggest girl group of all time,” she barks, every time a
camera is on her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">And then there’s Louis, speeding through
London’s streets like he’s in an outtake from Fast & Furious 6, and
boasting about twenty years in the business. Surely there’s a footnote in the
Highway Code about filming VTs whilst in control of a moving vehicle. Louis
casually threatens that he’ll never leave the show; effectively invoking
squatter’s rights on the judges’ table. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">As is customary at this time of year, the
publicity machine has been ramping up, filling the tabloids with pointless
non-stories about fall-outs, rumoured resackings and staged auditions. And a
complicit press has covered it all so thoroughly, that we’re even afforded a
montage of the coverage – serving no other purpose than to give the PR agency a
handy show-reel they can run at their Christmas party. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The only real change to the format is a
large LED screen in the holding area, so the nervous auditionees can see a live
feed of how their competition is faring in front of the judges. So now, there’s
kind of a live audience feel to the performances, but on a camera relay – kind
of like an abuse victim testifying without having to appear in court. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s almost time for the first commercial
break and we haven’t seen a single audition yet, so here’s Debbie Gibson circa
1987, and Audrey off Little Shop of Horrors. They call themselves Blonde
Electric, and they’re the most irritating twosome since an Irish obstetrician said
“Congratulations Mrs Grimes, it’s a pair of cunts.” As they babble and giggle
in their American accent, Mel B rolls her eyes at the annoying personae they
seem to have adopted, and my irony meter goes off the scale. Simon compares their
version of Do It Like A Dude to people dragging their nails down a blackboard,
and Louis declares “I think people are going to like you.” Because seriously,
when has he ever been wrong before? Cheryl, on the other hand, simply can’t
find the words. Which is odd, since she’s usually quite the articulate
raconteur. In the end, it’s left to Simon, who laments that this could be the
worst mistake he’s ever made. But in a career that includes Pudsey the Movie, I
Can’t Sing and Robson & Jerome, I’m amazed he’s even able to draw up a
shortlist. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br />
Outside in the holding area, the nervous hopefuls are commenting that there are
lots of guitars because, well, there’s a lot of guitars. Simon’s already sick
of it, moaning “I could merge fifty of these people and they’d all sound the
same.” Of course they would – that’s what merging is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Our next young hopeful is a scrawny
proto-Bieber called Reece Bibby. He strums away on his guitar and offers a
tedious acoustic presentation, prompting Louis to salivate: “The word for you
is potential.” I’m legally prevented from suggesting a word for Louis, but I’m
sure you can imagine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Chloe O’Gorman is a pair of sentient
eyebrows that sings 24 hours a day. She’s only about 30% as good as she thinks
she is, but Louis is more impressed by the fact that “She made eye contact with
all of us.” Lauren Platt tackles a big song from the end of Hairspray –
presumably as practice for the second rate theatre gigs she’ll be taking when
this all falls apart, and we’re treated to a visualisation of some of the uninspired
tweets sent out by the hopefuls while they were waiting. Most of them are
variations on "I don't even wanna win it. I just wanna meet Cheryl,"
suggesting that the next generation is suffering from a shortage of worthwhile
life goals. One weird little Irish lad tells us that he loves life, animals and
Cheryl Cole, presumably not in that order. He’s picked That’s My Goal which
Simon reacts to as if he’s never heard it before. Poor Shayne Ward. One girl
stumbles slightly as she enters the room. Despite the best efforts of our
judges to laugh in surprise, it’s no Sharon Osbourne walking into a door.
Still, I’m sure we’ll be seeing it replayed twice a week until December. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mel’s starting to get a bit upset about all
the attention that Cheryl’s receiving: “What am I, chopped liver?” To be
honest, chopped liver was five years ago; now she’s had so much filler she’s
more of a liver parfait. So far, Cheryl’s had nothing to do, other than smile
ingratiatingly at people fawning over how beautiful she is. Here to shake
things up is Amy Connelly, who last auditioned six years ago, and made it all
the way to the random beach house that Cheryl rented for the week. “Ooh, wow.
Hello…” she says tentatively, as she looks down at her production notes. The
caption tells us that Amy’s now working as a Betting Shop Assistant. As job
titles go, it’s good, but it’s no Amusement Park Squirrel. The song’s a
tuneless dirge, but it’s enough to reduce Cheryl to Demi Moore-style tears. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">As Simon declares that he’s feeling
optimistic about the auditions, it’s the perfect time for Shayden to squeakily
wheel in his Yamaha keyboard and run through a range of terrible
own-compositions. He introduces his performance with a sob story about his ex.
Simon empathises: “You’ve taken that pain and you’ve now put it into
songwriting?” Clearly, where pain is concerned, Shayden believes in a problem
shared. Although Simon sticks around long enough to take in a double album of
material, Cheryl decides she needs a piss and heads off to the bathroom,
striking fear into the hearts of toilet attendants everywhere. Of course, Simon
had to say “at least it can’t get any worse,” prompting the editors to cue a
selection of the worst auditions from this year’s bunch. There’s a toothless
old woman in a cheap wig, who strips down to a leotard, and Angelina Robinson,
whose song verges on performance art, as her mother cuts huge slices of cake
and brings in a Chinese takeaway for the judges. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Chloe Jasmine is from Sussex, and seems to
be playing the kind of posh English girl you might find pouring Diana Rigg’s
tea in the Great Muppet Caper. She fills her spare time with everyday things,
like polo, croquet and swan-grooming, and it all feels like it’s been created
to fuel a class war in the waiting room. Before she’s even sung a note, Twitter
is awash with comments that she’d already starred on Sky’s modelling show The
Face. To be honest, I’m more distracted by her red teeth – this is either her
first time applying lipstick, or she was feeding on a production assistant just
before her audition. Asked how long she’s been singing, she makes a surreal
comment about “dignifying a baby’s cry as an aria.” I’ve no idea what she’s
talking about, but I know that the only natural thing about her are the fibres
in her tweedy outfit. The judges love her ‘authentic bluesy voice’ – because no-one
understands the true struggle of a blues singer like some plummy tart who went
to boarding school. Outside, the tension is brewing, as onlookers theorise
about a life of privilege: “Champagne, caviar…asparagus.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">And finally, there’s Jay James. Thanks to
the investigative journalists at Sunday People, we know that he’s already
supported Rebecca Ferguson, and slated the X-Factor as the wrong way to make it
in the music industry. To be honest, none of this matters, since I’m more
concerned by his tendency to claw his face while he sings. It doesn’t help that
he’s had some alarming dentistry, giving him the appearance of Daffy Duck
whenever he showed his teeth. As the judges fawn over him, they ask why he’s so
emotional. Unfortunately, we cut away before he answers "Because I sold
out my principles and agreed to come on a show I've already slagged off in the
press."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">As the judges say goodbye, Mel B is off to
pin her earrings back on Orville’s nappy. Meanwhile, Cowell and Cheryl embrace,
with her shirt riding up to reveal that epic tattoo. It looks like she’s got a
John Lewis scatter cushion stuck down her blouse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sunday Night<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">If Saturday’s show didn’t make you question
your life choices, tonight is bound to have you Googling DIY wills before the
hour is up. The editors are clearly in a more playful mood tonight, juxtaposing
Dermot’s announcement “We’re looking for the next big thing” with a crash cut
to a plus-size version of Little Mix. Let’s call them Maxi Mix. We also see
Cheryl wandering forlornly down a corridor, moaning “That was one of the worst
auditions I’ve ever been in.” Surely it would be churlish of me to type ‘Cheryl
Tweedy Popstars The Rivals’ into YouTube? Tonight, Louis has been stealing some
styling tips from Simon, unbuttoning his shirt so low that we can practically
see his frenulum. And Mel, well, she’s still here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Stevi Ritchie is tonight’s first hopeful,
and has a most distracting countenance. Half Star Trek alien, and half Eugene Tooms
off X-Files, midway through squeezing himself face-first into a drainpipe. He
works in a Call Centre, where his colleagues attempt to ignore him like that half-flushed
stool in the staff toilets. There’s no faulting his enthusiasm, as he makes his
way down the judging table, dishing out compliments like a paedophile giving
away sweets at the school gate. He’s picked an Olly Murs track for his audition,
but it has a longer intro than the average Pink Floyd album track, so he dances
awkwardly on the spot for about twenty minutes, before eventually launching
into a terrible vocal. His self-deprecating approach wins the judges over,
despite his performance sounding like the cruelest part of foie gras
manufacture. Mel congratulates him on “having a little ‘me’ party,” which is
something she often does. I imagine they’re the only ones she gets invited to
now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Time for some contractually obligated ego-pandering
now, as we swoop round the holding area, listening to the contestants opining
about the influential judges. “Mel and Cheryl know what they’re talking about,”
argue two young hopefuls, before we cut to a painfully engineered chat between
the two girl band alumni that disproves their theory in under twenty seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The shadow of Glee hangs heavy over our
next hopefuls. All in their late teens, Only The Young are a mixed sex
four-piece who all live together. But not like that – they’re all as sexless as
Barbie and Ken’s underpants area. None of them have particularly good voices,
but they blend well enough, with a performance that’s part SClub 7, part Wilson
Philips, and part diabetes risk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This is clearly the ‘groups’ slot of the
show, as we’re introduced to a steady stream of eager young hopefuls standing
in a row, wearing jeans tight enough to dislocate their kneecaps. Concept are
so utterly generic, they’re less a group, more like a selection of fabric swatches
from a boyband factory. Overload are no better – their sole distinction being a
floppy-haired “studmuffin” who’s caught Cheryl’s recently married eye. Arize
are slightly more interesting – an R&B three piece who know all about tight
harmonies, but less about lipstick application.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Finally, we’ve got Kitten and The Hip, who
I keep wanting to call Pinky and The Brain. A curiously mismatched
May-to-December couple, she’s giving off a Jodie Marsh vibe, and he looks like
he should be selling groceries by the punnet. The whole audition is awkward,
but it scales new heights when Scarlet drops her hubby at the first sign of
progressing as a soloist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The next segment is dedicated to
contestants from overseas. We see a pair of over-styled Canadian gays, and
someone from Orlando, before we’re introduced to Océane from Paris. Her Mariah
Carey impression is bordering on lunacy, but there’s no denying she can hit all
the ear-splitting notes. Just not in the right order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other comedy foreigners include the appalling
Jimmy Cheung from Hong Kong, who goes straight to the final show’s gag reel,
and Jan Cichorz who performs what can only be the sound of a sinkhole opening. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Of course, just when we’re thinking that
Nigel Farage might have a point, and we should be tightening our border
controls, here’s Andrea Faustina from Rome. His interview isn’t up to much
(although “I like pugs” could well be the new “I am Groot”) but his vocal is
pretty impressive. With a voice that’s rich, soulful and strong, I can almost
forgive his abominable outfit. Simon tells him “I think you could be really
special,” but neglects to add, “now burn that fucking sweater.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">OK, we’ve done the young ones, and the
groups, so all that’s left is the ‘overs’ category. Cue a parade of women over
thirty, with great voices, but an unmistakable glimmer of desperation, rather
than star quality, in their eyes. But when it comes to the Last Chance Saloon,
it’s clear that Lindsey from Girl Thing is hoping for a lock-in. We’ve recently
seen her fairly tragic story on The Big Reunion, and it’s no less uncomfortable
second time around. Having been (mis)managed by Simon once before, and spent
most of the last fifteen years living the kind of existence that Ken Loach
would consider ‘too depressing,’ it’s odd that she’s willing to put herself
through all that again. The vocal is poor and emotions run high on the judging
table. As a Greek chorus of onlookers in the waiting room comment on how we’re
supposed to be feeling, Mel and Cheryl try to empathise. Thankfully, Simon sees
sense and tells Lindsey that it wouldn’t be fair to get her hopes up. His dress
sense may not have improved during those three years Stateside, but it could be
that our Tinman has finally found his heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-50049866444480145092014-08-19T10:20:00.000+01:002014-08-19T10:20:39.123+01:00Welcome To The Dee List<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRxNA6Sd4N5-cNRC6loJvuNIsQSqhJlmBGMNUK99n_CeLN_K6B80rgQaJrxtuHAr2DZwdmNOv9abLhaOtl4fKBCGY5YUXbKYufA4P8u7bSjYVVFumGl8Rwl-fkErDNjhFhHKrIaSZw2ug/s1600/uk_news+9-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRxNA6Sd4N5-cNRC6loJvuNIsQSqhJlmBGMNUK99n_CeLN_K6B80rgQaJrxtuHAr2DZwdmNOv9abLhaOtl4fKBCGY5YUXbKYufA4P8u7bSjYVVFumGl8Rwl-fkErDNjhFhHKrIaSZw2ug/s1600/uk_news+9-1.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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You know that feeling. A removal van pulls
up outside your house, so you peer out from an upstairs window and watch as the
belongings are unloaded. Ugly couch, white pleather bar stools and a CRT TV. It’s
pretty much all you need to know about your new neighbours. And that’s pretty
much how I view Big Brother now. I’m usually curious enough to give it a couple
of hours’ attention; just long enough to decide I want nothing more to do with
the new inhabitants, before switching over to the Family Guy marathon on BBC
Three.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The Channel 5 continuity announcer promises
“the famous, the fabulous and the filthy,” but forgive me for lowering my
expectations somewhat. The audience at Elstree is in good voice, but I have a
sneaking suspicion they’ve been locked in here since Friday’s finale. Emma’s
looking lovely as always, but her awkward stance makes her look as if she had
to drip dry in the onsite Portaloo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s
no point showing us around the house, because it’s been on our screens since
late May, so let’s dive straight into our new housemates. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">About as surprising an appearance as Emma
herself, White Dee from Benefits Street has been talked up as a housemate for
12 months now. Despite sounding like outtakes from Cher’s Believe, Dee seems
pretty easy to get along with, unless you happened to nick her regular table at
the Gala Bingo. Making a mockery of Emma’s earlier comment about Champagne and
Michelin starred restaurants, Dee has opted for an unforgiving grey sheath that
makes her look like a giant, 43 year-old pupa. Apparently, Dee turned down a
role in an ‘X-rated spoof of Benefits Street.’ I’m not sure why – this one
might have been played for more laughs, but I’ll bet that everyone who appeared
in it still got fucked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">With Wikipedia permanently open in my
browser, I can happily tell you that our second housemate is James Jordan, one
of the dancers from Strictly Come Dancing. James was recently sacked from the
BBC One flagship, and likes to think it’s because he’s the ‘Bad Boy of
Ballroom.’ That sobriquet is a lot less exciting when you consider he could
have earned it by refusing to wax the parquet. Like many of his contemporaries,
James spends most of his time pointing out just how incredibly heterosexual he
is, before inviting us to admire his arse. Just don’t get too close – he’s been
on the Immodium all day, which at least explains why he’s so full of shit. In
the house, he has no idea who Dee is, so makes a point of telling her he’s been
on TV for eight years. Of course, Dee knows exactly who he is, because, as the
Government would like us to remember, people on benefits live for fags and
Sky+. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Claire King is unusual, in that she’s both
recognisable and talented, having made her name as the superbitch in Emmerdale.
With a smoky laugh that sounds like the faulty transmission on an Austin
Princess, she’s trying to compare Emmerdale to Dynasty and Dallas, but she’s
not convincing anyone. I don’t remember Krystle and Alexis ever coming to blows
over a partially birthed calf. She’s not too worried about criticism, reckoning
she’s old enough and ugly enough. That’s a little harsh – if I’m honest, she
just looks like she’s here as Helen Lederer’s stand-in. “I’m just a grumpy old
woman,” she argues, clearly pitching for a slot on the Loose Women breakfast
bar. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">David Mackintosh considers himself to be an
international heart-throb, having ‘starred’ on the recent unsuccessful reboot
of Gladiators. “I’m a muscle-bound eccentric who loves life,” he opines, before
launching into a weird anecdote about crashing a van full of dead badgers. “I’m
there because I’m an interesting person,” he argues, missing the fact that the
casting team was given a tight brief to find someone with the exact same
silhouette as Foghorn Leghorn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Kellie Maloney’s life changed several weeks
ago, when a story appeared in one of the tabloids about her gender-swap. Now,
I’m assuming that’s the same story she took to the papers ahead of her imminent
entry into the Big Brother house. Formerly known as boxing promoter Frank
Maloney, Kellie is doing an incredibly brave thing – not least because no-one
should have to learn to apply eye-liner in front of a judgmental nation. Even
so, she’s looking good, and from behind is completely indistinguishable from
Claire King. Kellie seizes on James and says “Are you the dancer? Can you teach
me to dance?” I’d advise her to practice walking in heels, before she tries
tackling a paso doble.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Audley Harrison is a boxer with size 17
feet and the kind of irrepressible spirit that’d give Kriss Akabusi a migraine.
His VT is all very agreeable, which is why I’m more focused on the fact that
he’s going into the house dressed as one half of Milli Vanilli. Marcus Bentley
tells us that Audley has a degree in sport science and leisure management,
which basically makes him Gordon Brittas with a decent right hook. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“What’s the big deal about big boobs?” asks
the cosmetically augmented Lauren Goodger as she thrusts her man-made mams at
the camera. Her whole VT is a senseless collage of meaningless phrases and
pouts that look like she’s disgorging a dinner plate. She’s excited about the
chance to appear on a show where she can just be herself, but even the TOWIE
viewers are scratching their extensions at that one. As she enters the house,
we’re told Lauren was once ‘proposed to in a pub car park,’ which makes me
wonder whether that’s a euphemism for the thing she was seen doing in that
“intimate video” she mentioned earlier. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">If you thought we’d already hit rock
bottom, allow me to peel back the underlay and introduce you to George Gilbey –
a man who watches telly. Like we’re all doing now. There’s a part of me that
wishes Gogglebox was on right now, so we could initiate some kind of meta rift
in the space time continuum. As it is, we’re stuck with George sipping gingerly
at pints and telling us that wearing no underwear makes him quite ‘Western.’
He’s so nervous that when he pours himself a glass of Rosé it’s like watching
Ted Striker trying to overcome his drinking problem. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Our next housemate is a quarter of
B*Witched. Edele was the lead-singer in the denim-clad Irish foursome, and
seemed to have the biggest problem with everyone when the group reformed for
The Big Reunion. She never came across as being particularly likeable, and this
VT isn’t exactly swinging things in her favour. Emma seems particularly
disengaged during Edele’s interview, probably because the humidity is doing
weird things to her hair. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Ricci tells us that he’s “probably best
known for the Geordie Shore.” I’m not sure where else his notoriety might come
from, unless he’s also featured on cautionary posters in every GUM clinic across
the North East. Like Lauren before him, his VT is all about “bringing the
party” and obsessing about parts of his body. He’s particularly proud of his
six-pack, whipping up his Hollister top to finger the ridges. It’s great that
he knows how to do sit-ups, but since the rest of him is so unremarkable, it’s
like buying a new car just for the alloys. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Stephanie Pratt is the sister of the
universally loathed Spencer, who stupefied audiences last year with his
self-involved delusions. Stephanie has appeared on The Hills and Made In
Chelsea, and could give Reece Witherspoon chin envy. She’s determined to prove
that she’s not ditzy, and seems to be participating in Big Brother for the
‘social experiment’ because she once studied an anthropology module. She reckons
that travelling on the Tube is fun, which means she’s never had to use it, and
she seems to think that creating a line of belts makes her a designer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The last three housemates have been
separated out in the interests of Big Brother’s first big challenge. Dee has
been selected to pose as a distant relative of the Queen, and if she can fool
the next three housemates for 24 hours, they’ll all win a luxury food budget.
The show’s stylists have simply wrapped her in a window display from Bensons
For Beds and backcombed her hair into a beehive, so the Americans may take some
convincing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">First up is Leslie Jordan, a genuinely
hilarious comedian, raconteur and actor, who most people will recognise from Will
& Grace, where he played Karen’s nemesis Beverley Leslie. I also remember
him as someone who once got barbecued by Jason Voorhees, but that probably says
more about me. As he greets Emma, it’s a lot like seeing Ronnie Corbett playing
Elton John in a Comic Relief sketch. We also quickly get a sense that his line
about falling out of his mother’s womb into her high heels is a lot like Dolly
Parton’s “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.” I’m going to bet this
won’t be the last time we hear that one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Angelique ‘Frenchy’ Morgan once appeared on
a reality show about dating Brett Michaels, and seems to have been stitched
together from the pieces they cut off Donatella Versace. She tells us that
everything about her is fake, and I’m wondering whether that includes her
accent, since she talks like a drunk Inspector Clouseau. “Obviously I like
cock. I’m ze worst and ze bitch.” she admits conspiratorially. We also discover
that she’s more comfortable when she’s naked, but I imagine she’d be the only
one, since she looks more like a Gerald Scarfe sketch than an actual woman. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Our final housemate is Gary Busey –
formerly a successful Hollywood actor, and now Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion on
bath salts. Like a set of sentient dentures that have been left overnight in a
glass full of crazy, it’s a miracle Gary even got on the plane, never mind made
it through Big Brother’s psychiatric evaluation. His interview with Emma is the
most uncomfortable thing I’ve seen all year, and I watched every episode of The
Voice. I keep reminding myself that this is Gary Busey sober, and wondering if,
maybe, we’re all doing it wrong. As Gary staggers towards the house, he insists
that Emma accompanies him, and the producers cut her microphone feed, just in
case. By the time Dee re-enters as the Duchess of Solihull, it’s clear that
there’s one housemate she won’t have to struggle to convince. The state he’s
in, you could probably introduce Gary to a ficus and tell him it’s fifth in
line to the throne. Mark my words,; no good will come of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-81654791313193222952014-08-12T09:12:00.002+01:002014-08-12T09:15:20.191+01:00Nanu Nanu Robin<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI0-OLUgOGKq3SmaJVanr0wAWlszeBpiA7gCZzi5leXTmmqSthNYHl8AHkXT0uxq-STJHRykRszeb2NR4EZuVl6E0zdc_uzNDv64NCDWaVHCjWpdOhy15Q0g3RKVFufKrFRh5G_Qra9rI/s1600/robin-williams.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI0-OLUgOGKq3SmaJVanr0wAWlszeBpiA7gCZzi5leXTmmqSthNYHl8AHkXT0uxq-STJHRykRszeb2NR4EZuVl6E0zdc_uzNDv64NCDWaVHCjWpdOhy15Q0g3RKVFufKrFRh5G_Qra9rI/s1600/robin-williams.jpg" height="400" width="380" /></a></div>
"Mork calling Orson, come in Orson." As familiar to me as the taste of cheese Hula Hoops or Tizer, my favourite half hour of TV would always end the same way - as the bemused and befuddled Orkan would post his weekly report on human behaviour, long before E.T. ever reappropriated the insides of a Speak N Spell. Many people forget that Mork & Mindy started out as a spin-off of long-running nostalgia-fest Happy Days. While Fonzy was busy waterskiing over an unconvincing shark and entering the lexicon of jaded TV viewers everywhere, Robin Williams was a shot of pure adrenalin into the chest of lazy sitcoms. With his rainbow braces and a rug of uncontrollable chest hair that completed his image as a live action Tazmanian Devil, Mork brought irreverence and improvisation to a format that, Norman Lear's output aside, was usually content to lean against boundaries, rather than push them.<br />
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After four successful years, Hollywood came calling, as did the dealers. Williams famously noted that, unlike most people who took cocaine to get hyper, he used it to slow down. After all, when talking a mile a minute is your default setting, where else is there to go? His first bout of cold turkey came after the death of John Belushi, having been in the big man's company the night of his fatal speedball. Having kicked the habit (for the time being, at least), Williams launched into a largely fruitless big screen career. Struggling to reconcile his anarchic persona with the dramatic roles that appealed to him, most of his early eighties material was forgettable at best - the sole exception being The World According To Garp.<br />
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In fact, it wasn't until 1987's Good Morning, Vietnam, that he found a vehicle that played to his strengths as both a virtuoso comedic force of nature, and an empathetic dramatic actor. Despite triggering several years' worth of shrill and unfunny impersonations, Vietnam was a smash hit. It also provided Hollywood with an instant shortcut whenever they needed a combination of laugh-out-loud humour, as well as calculated moments of pathos. Awakenings, Dead Poets Society and The Fisher King all followed, achieving varied levels of success and helping Williams develop his standing as a 'serious' actor. One high profile misfire was Hook, which seemed to fly in the face of Steven Spielberg's long stated ambition to avoid casting celebrities in lead roles. The combination of Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman and a 'troubled' Julia Roberts resulted in a gaudy, interminable pantomime, redeemed only by Williams' all-too-rare flights of literal and figurative fancy - calling one unlikeable brat "You lewd, crude, rude bag of pre-chewed food dude."<br />
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Williams' next breakthrough came from the most unlikely of sources - the Walt Disney Company. Much like Spielberg, the House of Mouse had always studiously avoided stunt casting, instead allowing the animation and, more recently, the songs of Ashman and Menken, to reverse the troubled studio's fortunes. With their latest animated adventure sent back to the drawing board by a disappointed Jeffrey Katzenberg, it fell to Williams to revive the floundering project. His chaotic, heavily improvised shtick paired perfectly with the Al Hirschfeld-inspired animation style, and helped create the studio's first animated comedy. Since then, hundreds of high profile comics, from Ray Romano and Sarah Silverman, to Ellen Degeneres and Eddie Murphy, have made a beeline (sorry, almost forgot Jerry Seinfeld there) for the recording booth. The results may have varied, but the impact is inarguable.<br />
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The nineties were probably Williams' golden period, as he juggled high concept comedies (Mrs Doubtfire, Jumanji) with more esoteric work, (Barry Levinson's much-maligned Toys, and Vincent Ward's What Dreams May Come). Although the choices were always interesting and rarely predictable, audiences still seemed to connect best when he was in full comedy mode. One of his biggest hits was the Hollywood take on La Cage aux Folles, retitled The Birdcage for American audiences. Not only did he achieve his own moments of sublime brilliance (particularly the whistle-stop choreography demo), he was content to play the 'straight' man to Nathan Lane's more showy breakout role.<br />
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It wasn't until 1997 that he finally won a long-deserved Oscar for his supporting role in Good Will Hunting. Unfortunately, audience goodwill was more fleeting, as a series of mawkish flops, including Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man and Jakob The Liar, ended his incredible box office run. Unlike some of his contemporaries, who might have attempted to revisit former glories, Williams found in his exile from blockbusters a new kind of freedom. He courted darker material; thrillers and sombre character studies that no longer attempted to straddle comedy and drama. Instead, these were pared down, subtle and haunting performances. His turn in Armistead Maupin's proto-Catfish The Night Listener was a masterclass in confused melancholy; a subtle variation on his first villainous roles in One Hour Photo and Insomnia.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeyPPr7E3765R2uai1WbTNbB303drLeCSIi4eKdjD9gSt7gwE8lLBcMVq2xn98fVsSWhnv4xSx9NMnSZA18qSLaUgCfjbckTdZVUXrWRA0wetSq9KNShjxfE6eQUFzV9nvgTYTiV3Z104/s1600/image.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeyPPr7E3765R2uai1WbTNbB303drLeCSIi4eKdjD9gSt7gwE8lLBcMVq2xn98fVsSWhnv4xSx9NMnSZA18qSLaUgCfjbckTdZVUXrWRA0wetSq9KNShjxfE6eQUFzV9nvgTYTiV3Z104/s1600/image.jpeg" height="320" width="240" /></a>Coming full circle, his most recent role was in a new sitcom called The Crazy Ones, where he played the head of an ad agency alongside Sarah Michelle Gellar. The show was cancelled in May after an inauspicious first season, although network executives had expressed delight at having Williams back on TV after all these years.<br />
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Early reports suggest that Williams may have taken his own life after a long struggle with depression and a relapse into alcoholism. He was always matter of fact about his demons, often incorporating them into his rapid-fire stand up material. Perhaps he believed that old adage about laughter being the best medicine. After all, when I was sixteen, I wrote him a fan letter, to which he replied just a couple of weeks later. Inside the envelope was a signed publicity still from Toys, onto which he'd scribbled 'Make fun, not war.' In these troubled times of conflict and intolerance, I can't think of a more appropriate epitaph.<br />
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<br />Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-10490928690974348782014-06-06T09:31:00.004+01:002014-06-06T09:31:38.728+01:00Meet the Young Conservatives<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijdF8WE3tkrROSVk2n1QdJXR-XXVC_TOG96rr3DViCK8Y49i2TZmEEG50K4vSam_sWkgTMf9uwMSD1m5QLpJN_apbtzHdqU5XvyGLcGRiwuAlukx3eCWJlE9bUVF1JY7FBcARnuhIMbrw/s1600/Big-Brother-contestants-2014-Tamara-Stewart-Wood.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijdF8WE3tkrROSVk2n1QdJXR-XXVC_TOG96rr3DViCK8Y49i2TZmEEG50K4vSam_sWkgTMf9uwMSD1m5QLpJN_apbtzHdqU5XvyGLcGRiwuAlukx3eCWJlE9bUVF1JY7FBcARnuhIMbrw/s1600/Big-Brother-contestants-2014-Tamara-Stewart-Wood.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">There was a time when a new series of Big
Brother carried with it a sense of occasion. In the final days before the
premiere, the red tops would speculate about who was going in, and we’d all
start practicing excuses for turning down social engagements, just in case it
got really good. But ever since its Lazarus-like reappearance on Channel 5, the
format has reached an exhausting level of ubiquity. Emma can do her best to
sound excited about the new line-up, but anyone who’s been on holiday for more
than a couple of weeks would be forgiven for thinking that it never actually
went off the air. From must-see TV, to inexplicably omnipresent fixture. Kind of like
Last Of The Summer Wine, if Nora Batty punched a hole in those wrinkly tights
with an empty wine bottle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Maybe Endemol has started to get the
message, as the show starts with a weird moment as Big Brother announces a
system failure and attempts a reboot. Meanwhile, Emma’s doing her best to get a
largely disinterested audience engaged in what’s going on. “Welcome to Big
Brother Power Trip,” she announces, fully aware that she could be talking about
her one-woman media takeover. “I’m so excited,”she shrieks, but given how often
she has to do this, her hysterical reaction is a little like me wetting myself
about renewing my travelcard. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The walkaround the newly redecorated house
is as rushed and shambolic as usual – with a standout moment being the shot of
Emma demonstrating how to use the toilet. Somewhere, someone’s taking some
high-res screen grabs and will spend the rest of the week on Photoshop. The
entire house seems to have been kitted out in Perspex, as though they’re
planning to imprison Magneto in there. It’s also worth acknowledging
GlobalCasino.com, who’ve managed to hit a new low in poor quality sponsorship
idents. Looking like she should be advertising premium chatlines at 2.30 in the
morning, the chatty croupier in a Primark party dress offers teasing snippets
of insight along the lines of “Just wait till they all get to know each other.”
It’s all so incredibly cheap and low-tech, I’m almost surprised they didn’t
just use a zoetrope instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Time to meet the hamsters who’ll be
spending the next four months in this glorified Habitrail. First up is Tamara –
she’s a “global oil and gas headhunter,” which is LinkedIn-ese for ‘recruitment
consultant.’ Despite telling us how fearsome and intelligent she is, the
statement “I revel from authority” suggests she’s unlikely to be vying for
Stephen Fry’s slot on QI. She seems quite insistent that no man can tame her,
and it looks as though most of her tops suffer from a similar struggle. Clearly
cast as this series’ villain, Tamara thinks she’s better than everyone, but
given the low bar of previous line-ups, her assertion may yet prove pertinent.
In a final flurry of tabloid baiting, she announces that she’s looking for a
‘man buffet,’ so I’d advise her to steer clear of the mayonnaise. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Mark is a visual merchandiser for Liverpool
and looks like a dumpier version of Marcus Collins, or George Michael in a pair
of comedy Scouse brows. He spends all his time and money on a painfully tedious
beauty regimen, but the results demonstrate a poor return on his investment. In
fact, a gym membership might have been a better idea. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Here to fog the boundaries between
Celebrity Big Brother and the regular edition, is Helen, who owns a salon in
Bolton and once fucked Wayne Rooney. She just wants to move on and stop talking
about it, so it’s interesting that she chose to bring it in the first instance.
Frank and straight-talking, she thinks that she’s quite easy to not like, and
I’m willing to respect her for being right on the money. She’s arrived at the
house in a cheaper knock-off of Tamara’s black and white dress, so the sparks
should be flying before the first Champagne cork is popped. She might look the
part, but her comment “I was shittin’ it I was gonna fall” ensures that she’s
unlikely to be mistaken for Pippa Middleton too often.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Steven is a 23 year-old turd who set up his
first company in competition with his parents, and now counts them amongst his
employees. Now, call me cynical, but that sounds more like a smart way to avoid
inheritance tax than any sign of business acumen. He turned over his first
million two years ago, but neglects to mention how much of that was profit, and
he boasts “I’ve got THE car.” To be fair, he’s got A car, but from the close
crop, it could be a Renault Megane. He’s also been to 119 countries – but who
counts that shit? “Oh, we like you,” lies Emma through her teeth, as Steven
heads into the house. Four down, and so far the men are the ones with the most
ridiculous eyebrows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Time to stir things up a bit, with a
healthy dose of controversy. Businesswoman, and Janine Duvitski lookalike
Danielle is an old fashioned girl. She doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex,
contraception or gay marriage, but she does believe in posing in her underwear
as a part-time lingerie model. According to Marcus Bentley, she goes to church
every Sunday (that’s British fundamentalism for you), but her VT seems to
suggest she spends most of that time walking her dog round the graveyard. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Winston is a business development manager,
which I think means that he tells Ukrainian women whether they can have £15k
loan to open a nail bar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s a lot like
Joey Essex, but with bigger arms and “a bit more smarter.” He’s a real ladies
man, and enjoys a diversity of types, from nines all the way through to tens.
He also knows that, if they’re not interested, they’re most likely lesbians. When
he’s not busy obsessing about “birds’ arses and breasts,” he’s contemplating
the likelihood of his victory in the house: “My name’s Winston. WIN.”
Presumably, he’s planning to learn how to spell the other half once he’s been
crowned. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span lang="EN-US">Matthew is a media graduate who’s too posh
for socks. Everyone thinks he’s gay, apart from his girlfriend of six years,
who’s in for a cruel awakening. Continuing tonight’s theme of ‘Cameron’s
Britain,’ Matthew is yet another self-important, entitled little prick, with
all the impact of a soiled handkerchief. He has a panic attack at the base of
the stairs, and given that he’s terrified of failure, the next few weeks could
constitute some pretty effective aversion therapy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Kimberly is yet another business woman and Playboy
model – which means we’re dangerously close to turning this series of Big
Brother into The Apprentice in D cups. She’s got a law degree and an MBA,
prompting Emma to observe that “Brains and beauty are a lethal combination.” She’s
going in there to make porridge and sunbathe, not take out an Al Qaeda sleeper
cell. Marcus attempts to regale us with fascinating facts about Kimberly’s
life, but he’s mustering all the enthusiasm of a narcoleptic reading the
shipping forecast. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Our ninth housemate is another pleasant
looking, 23 year-old media graduate. So far, the cast of this series is making
the Bullingdon Club look refreshingly diverse. Christopher is a journalist who
hates celebrities like Kim Kardashian who see fame as a viable career option.
Don’t worry folks, we’ve got 16 weeks to call him on his hypocrisy. Christopher
admires Katie Hopkins and idolises Madonna. That’s code, you know. As he enters
the house, the men all stand together in their skinny jeans, like they’re
waiting for an American Apparel fashion shoot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Finally, we’re treated to a housemate who’s
over 25. In fact, she’s almost twice that. 49 year-old Pauline is a dance
teacher who, in a former life, went by the name of Jazzi P and provided the rap
for Kylie’s Shocked. Pauline doesn’t suffer fools gladly, which means she’s in
for a miserable few weeks. She’s cast aside the sweatpants for her big
entrance, and goes into the house looking like she’s been styled by the Andrex
puppy. She keeps breaking out the dance moves, but to my untrained eye, it
looks like she’s suffering from an inner-ear problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Now, we’ve got nine obnoxious twenty-somethings,
who seem to think that holding down a job warrants a standing ovation, and a
take-no-prisoners 49 year old. Who do you think the audience will give the
power to? In a shocking twist, the viewers decide to put Pauline in control, so
she’s sent off to the control room to watch some ‘top secret footage’ of the
other housemates. In reality, the poor woman has to sit through all their
introductory VTs, so at least we can understand her pained expression. She then
has to decide who will be rewarded, and who will be punished. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the garden, Mark and Matthew are stuck in
Perspex boxes. Mark’s box is filled with cash as a reward for being nice, and
Matthew is simply stuck in the air. Not to worry - David Blaine made a fortune
doing that. By the time Emma hands over to Rylan, who’s now turned into Kenny
Everett’s impression of Janet Street Porter, I’ve already had my fill. Six more
housemates will be entering later in the week, and it’s welcome to them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-28483547109248538202014-04-11T09:37:00.000+01:002014-04-11T09:37:51.548+01:00Adrian Mole - A Hero For Our Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN3DQdy4bTm9sfUhbvM2aRePC60M_Yn-nCkHPxarHW0ZEUkEK11SQM-htL0O7gXp9xNiVTgTneeQX7mGk69PPDUhMFJLHczX_KA8tKfu1OJgeJFIu1Y5o2DEF__qVnwtFT3Ica4d_JLjU/s1600/mole_2243069b.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN3DQdy4bTm9sfUhbvM2aRePC60M_Yn-nCkHPxarHW0ZEUkEK11SQM-htL0O7gXp9xNiVTgTneeQX7mGk69PPDUhMFJLHczX_KA8tKfu1OJgeJFIu1Y5o2DEF__qVnwtFT3Ica4d_JLjU/s1600/mole_2243069b.jpeg" height="248" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My fifteen year-old
self is lying on his bed. In front of him, spread out across the duvet, a
collection of binders and barely legible hand-written history notes. My mum
pops her head through the door: “Are you revising? Your exams are only a week
away.” She’s a teacher, so this kind of behaviour is not unexpected. Fifteen
year-old me sighs as dramatically as he can, before assuring the retreating
face that, yes, I’m getting stuck in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As the door closes
behind her, he reaches under the canopy of school work, and extracts a
dog-eared copy of The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole. It’s been read so many
times that the binding has all but given up. The pages have been carelessly
jammed back between the covers, like a half-written manuscript in an Oxford
Don’s leather satchel. Young me looks at his watch. “I’ve got a good half-hour
before dinner; I can probably finish this and start Secret Diary again,” the
conspiratorial voice whispers inside his head. Revision will have to wait.
Adrian’s on his way to Skegness, and I can’t wait to rediscover the singular
joys of Bernard Porke and the Rio Grande Guest House.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Although there are
other books that may have moved me more; some have even changed my life; none
have maintained as constant a presence as the Adrian Mole diaries. I first met
Adrian when I was about nine. My Grandma had taken the first volume out of the
library, and enjoyed it so much, she allowed me to read it before returning it.
And although I was a few years younger than Adrian, I felt he was a kindred spirit.
Sure, he was pompous and laughably naïve, but we shared a love of the written
word, and a general air of confusion about the way that grown-ups behaved. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whereas an older
reader might have picked up on the foreshadowing of future events, a standard
device in most epistolary novels, I shared Adrian’s innocence - although even I
could spot Mr Lucas’ intentions before Adrian did. Of course, each time I
revisited Adrian’s diaries, which was a lot in those days since there were only
two volumes to choose from, I’d pick up on more of the detail. The politics of
the time, the complex familial relationships, and the coruscating social
satire, all added fresh layers to every rereading. Adrian was the ideal
commentator on society – all seeing, if not exactly all-knowing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Aged just 14, he
diligently reported the outcry that occurred when he accidentally delivered tabloids
to the tree-lined middle class avenues, and broadsheets to the council estate,
but expressed surprise at their response: “I don’t know why everybody went so
mad. You’d think they would enjoy reading a different paper for a change.” Neither
did it escape his notice, in True Confessions, that on the day of Andrew and
Fergie’s wedding: “I passed the Co-op where the Union Jack hung upside down,
and the Sikh temple where it was hung correctly.” Tiny moments, that spoke
loudly about the tensions of modern British life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As the years passed,
Adrian and I both grew up, but never apart. I kept track of his first,
ill-fated move to London. I shared his heartbreak as his beloved Bianca left
him for his stepfather, Martin Muffet. And I delighted in his, albeit short-lived,
success as a TV chef. Crippling debt, appearances on reality TV talkshows and a
particularly threatening swan, all played vital roles in Adrian’s tragicomic
existence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But, once a diarist,
always a diarist. With his maturity came a newfound awareness of politics, not
least when his fearsomely ambitious old flame Pandora Braithwaite became one of
Blair’s Babes. Even so, his unerring ability to miss the point never seemed to
fail him. Most of the time, his lack of prescience was mined for ironic humour,
but things took a dark turn in Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Having tirelessly campaigned in support of Blair’s war, putting his unwavering
trust in the Labour leader’s integrity, he’s shocked out of his ignorance when
Robbie Stainforth, his son’s best friend, is killed in a bomb explosion in
Iraq. Adrian’s grief is palpable, reflecting a raw anger that we hadn’t encountered
before. Gone were the playful jabs at British politics; in their place, a
profound sense of betrayal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The last time I saw
Adrian, he seemed to be on the road to recovery, following a gruelling battle
with prostate cancer. Middle-aged and once again separated from another wife,
he seemed to have finally made peace with his life. Able to set aside three
decades of unrealistic aspirations and underwhelming accomplishments, he was
looking forward to life as a grandfather, perhaps alongside Pandora – the one
that never quite got away. And that’s how I’ll chose to remember him, even
though I know he’s gone forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">He and I were more
alike than I’d perhaps care to admit. But then, wasn’t that always the secret
of his enduring appeal? Adrian Mole truly was an everyman. Reflecting the
frustrations, obsessions and idiosyncrasies of this weird and wonderful nation.
Cataloguing its foibles with alarming precision, and yet managing to
spectacularly miss the point, more often than not. Adrian Mole; a hero in idiot’s
clothing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-38862523133771935732014-04-07T09:36:00.003+01:002014-04-07T09:36:58.506+01:00The BBC Gets Its Rocks Off - The Voice Grand Final <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiydy0v6KHXwaGWK-QlW_oPXVI9UD2OpQOx6TyqVK8kfK3yGHplkr2Pc7PWyA0M4cnhnIrVZdUfpcLNFNEgWZadKXgpUk2ddAouzNyjvkQncCoY12PHjp68cr-tOYt4xyJXSS5w1Kx2B8g/s1600/_74062167_74062166.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiydy0v6KHXwaGWK-QlW_oPXVI9UD2OpQOx6TyqVK8kfK3yGHplkr2Pc7PWyA0M4cnhnIrVZdUfpcLNFNEgWZadKXgpUk2ddAouzNyjvkQncCoY12PHjp68cr-tOYt4xyJXSS5w1Kx2B8g/s1600/_74062167_74062166.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this
series of The Voice, other than the fact that Kylie could probably flirt with a
park bench, it’s that I miss commercial breaks. There’s something about the
relentless pace of these talent shows that requires regular respite; without
it, they can become incessantly draining. So it’s a weakened husk of a man that
sits down to recap tonight’s grand final. It’s taken 14 weeks, but we’re
finally at a stage where there are few enough contestants that we can actually remember
all their names. But before we get to them, we’ll have to sit through another
performance from our judges. As they launch into a self-congratulatory
rendition of Get Your Rocks Off, Ricky leans on a motorbike, Will models a rather
fetching parachute harness, Tom sits on a throne, and Kylie’s suspended on a
neon pair of lips. This is either the BBC’s idea of Saturday night primetime,
or I ate a wheel of brie right before my afternoon nap. Weirdly, the film keeps
switching to slow motion, as if the producers are attempting a metaphor for the
sensation of actually watching the show.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Emma’s wearing a curious evening gown/trouser
suit, that looks like something Heather Locklear might have worn before pushing
someone down the stairs. “Are you ready to meet the best of the best?” asks
Marvin angrily, before introducing our four finalists with no small amount of
hyperbole. I’m all for encouragement, but it’s a little premature to be calling
Christina Marie a superstar. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Speaking of Bristol’s answer to Katy Perry;
she’s gone home to undo all the hard work she’s put into those elocution
lessons. Her homecoming is less than spectacular, and amounts to little more
than hanging around on someone’s driveway with an assortment of Vicky Pollards.
Her opening performance is Coldplay’s Fix You, accompanied by a strange floor
projection that looks as if she’s doing karaoke in a smelting plant. It starts
off nicely enough, but the constant threat of shouting is always there, and by
the second half of the song, one of my dogs has left the room in search of a
quiet space. Thankfully, all of the over-singing is redeemed by an admittedly
impressive falsetto run. Emma is feeding the judges their lines and giving the
contestants more non-questions for them to shake their heads at. Meanwhile,
Ricky has an emotional breakdown and starts pointing at the camera and
commanding us to vote, like Kitchener in a tweed waistcoat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This week, Sally was crowned the new Queen
of Leicester, with no word on what happened to the old one. Presumably,
Rosemary Conley’s been thrown into a dungeon to live out the rest of her days
eating low calorie ready meals with her fingers. Sally tells us how much she
enjoyed visiting home, but she still scowls like she’s been stuck in all
morning, waiting for the aga repairman. Her family have printed a banner to
implore people to vote, but it’s so politely worded that it’s unlikely to have
much of an impact. It seems that enthusiasm is in short supply in Sally’s
family, as they attempt to convey their excitement about her success without
changing their facial expressions or the tone of their voice. As for Sally,
she’s actively resisting the effects of her TV makeover, and looks like the
RNLI just fished her out of the North Sea. Of course, feedback on her image is
purely academic, since this is The Voice, and on that front Sally has it
nailed. Her rendition of Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now is hauntingly
melancholy. It’s clearly one of those songs she’s been performing for thirty
years, so she deserves credit for picking something that’s personal to her,
with a wider audience appeal. Tom repeatedly references the fact that Sally has
touched him, and hopes that she’s touched everybody in the audience. Poor Will
is still struggling with the pressures of live TV and fumbles a compliment,
ultimately comparing Sally’s performance to “something from a Disney cartoon.”
Like most of his back catalogue, I imagine that sounded a lot better in his
head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Introducing Jermain, Emma comments
obliquely that “all roads lead to Hackney,” but that really depends on which
exit of the A12 you take. Jermain heads home to you-know-where and heads
straight for a community centre full of well-wishers. Well, I say full. There’s
certainly a good turnout, but Jermain’s claim that he struggled to fight his
way through the crowd represents a true politico’s misremembrance of events.
Performing Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball, he’s flies into the studio on something
that’s part microphone stand, part ski lift. The song suits his voice
surprisingly well, although the obligatory baritone notes are more than a
little comical. The key change is better, but it all falls apart on the last
few off-key notes. Will stops giving his feedback to take a call from Cheryl
Cole, who obviously hasn’t read the small print in her new X-Factor contract
about fraternising with the enemy. Ricky adds that “Jermain brings a different
vibe to the show; he’s a guy with a social conscience.” Meanwhile, Sally’s out back,
burning tyres in the car park, as Christina Marie beats a swan to death with
her shoe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Jamie’s thrilled to be in the final of the
Voice, but he’s so smiley and happy, he probably pisses himself with excitement
when he fills out a Road Tax form. His performance of Missing You is pretty
good, but the loud bits are a little too shouty, and the softer bits a little
too quiet. Emma’s excited to see “all the Johnsons out in the audience,” which makes
me wonder if she has to picture the crowd naked, to conquer her nerves. Will references
Justin Timberlake in his appraisal (more on that, later), but I think Joey
Fatone makes for a more effective N*SYNC simile. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Remember Marvin? He’s been dumped back in
the V-Room where he can play Candy Crush on his iPad and keep out of trouble.
With all four singers having performed their first song, Marvin’s ready to give
them a light grilling. I could recap these conversations for you, but every
time I do, a little part of my brain dies. If I tried to transcribe everything,
I’d forget how to tie my own shoelaces. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">With the solo performances out of the way,
it’s time for the finalists to sing with their mentors. Christina Marie and the
Kaiser Chiefs sing the band’s new single Coming Home. It’s a song that suits
both their voices well, but the arrangement could see Ricky sued for plagiarism
by U2 and Simple Minds. Ricky has an awkward smirk on his face, like he’s a little
too pleased with himself about being able to get into those size 28 trousers. As
for Christina, she’s still struggling to sell sincerity, especially when she
does her “Oh my God, I’m so honoured…” humility giggle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Sally and Tom have gone off to church and
she’s still wearing that fucking anorak. Fair play to her; at least she’s more
pragmatic about the nature of her relationship with her celebrity mentor: “My
highlight has been working with Sir Tom. It feels like we’re friends, and I
hope we are.” Their duet of Walking In Memphis is lovely, but Tom’s booming
voice has a tendency to drown out Sally, leaving her only the harmonies to
distinguish herself. Tom promises to sing on Sally’s album, and she’s already thinking
“Maybe a bonus track, if you’re lucky.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Will and Jermain head off to Buckingham
Palace to launch a new social initiative with Prince Andrew. Jermain’s surprise
that the Prince knew who he was betrays his naiveté – surely he knows that
these people are briefed by advisors? Their performance of Pure Imagination is
weird and stilted, with awkward dancing, stuttering beats and Will’s utterly
terrible vocals. Will talks about the song choice as representing how it feels
to try and get out of a ‘nightmare neighbourhood,’ which probably has the good people
of Hackney feeling a little down in the mouth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Kylie takes Jamie to the O2 to meet Justin
Timberlake, before singing on stage to an empty auditorium. Is this a
commentary on the kind of success that the winner can look forward to? They’re
doing The Eurythmics’ There Must Be An Angel, and although it starts with an
odd tempo, it’s much better once the beat kicks in. They’re quite well suited
as a duo, with Kylie handling the basics and Jamie rocking the big gospelly
notes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">With a little time to fill before the last
round, Paloma Faith takes to the stage to do her Tori Amos-on-ecstasy routine.
The song has attitude to spare, but melody is in short supply. And her RnB
“come on wi’it” growl, seems a little disingenuous, given her plummily
eccentric speaking voice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">It’s standard, at this stage in the show, to
give us a quick recap of the season. This largely involves seeing viewers at
home trying to turn their own chairs, which is great if you always wanted to peer
behind someone’s DFS sofa. As the phonelines are temporarily frozen, Jamie gets
the news that he’s out of the competition. Emma asks Kylie if he’ll be going on
tour with her, and she diplomatically avoids answering the question; choosing
instead to thank everyone who was part of the show. With a final call for phone
votes, Emma implores us to pick up the phone: “You can change someone’s life by
taking them from this show to the charts and beyond.” That seems a little
ambitious for a show that’s never troubled the inside of the top 30. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">For her final performance, Christina Marie
sings The Power Of Love, and it brings out the sweet clarity of her voice. Sally
has also picked her battle song; Olly Murs’ Dear Darlin’.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>Her dress looks like a fortune-teller’s tablecloth, but the vocal
is mesmerising. The only downside is that we only get half the song, which
means the performance winds down, rather than reaching a crescendo. Finally, Jermain
bellows And I’m Telling You, and it’s a smart song choice for his last ever
performance. Get this one right, and the vocal fireworks can all but guarantee
those all-important final votes. Despite its ubiquity on these talent shows,
it’s not a track that works well as a 100 second showcase – sounding more like
a greatest hits compilation of massive notes, rather than an actual song. After
wiping his eyes, Will volunteers his dead grandma as part of Jermain’s new
entourage. Still, at least he won’t have to spring for a seat in business class
for her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Aloe Blacc is here to make use of that
monochrome photographic effect that the producers of The Voice like so much.
He’s singing The Man, which is on course to be number one tomorrow. It uses the
refrain from Elton John’s Your Song, but at this stage in the game, I’m just
relieved it’s not Ellie Goulding’s version. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">After two hours of edging, we’re finally
ready to announce the winner – it’s Jermain. His mum’s praying, Will looks
pensive, and Sally seems entirely thrilled for him. Will gives him counsel on
how to go about achieving his goal of being the first black British Prime Minister,
which doesn’t give much of a hint of what his first album will be like. Jermain
gives thanks to God, which has the production team scrabbling to check whether
this warrants recategorising The Voice under its Religion and Ethics banner.
There’s just time for one more facepalm, as Jermain sings his recap of the song
from Dreamgirls, but changes the lyric to “you’re the best Mum I’ve ever known.”
Cue the cameraman cutting to Jermain’s granny in the audience. Well done
everyone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-38631959049594184062014-03-31T09:30:00.001+01:002014-03-31T09:30:36.578+01:00Shakira's fit, Kylie's hit, and Will's shit. The Voice Semi Final. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRfO9uPuTCt2acabyW5J7IpkYES9Lwx7mLnlLQAU5uTbE2ETUL8Oi5d_diKj_jR7qveXbp28ZT6y4iKm8P8rAEeykDpPwvy8kCsi3IVTHnQ0QJkB5BP23ahokWFnP7ZVHcwlX3gXWELVw/s1600/article-0-1CACEC1200000578-962_638x477.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRfO9uPuTCt2acabyW5J7IpkYES9Lwx7mLnlLQAU5uTbE2ETUL8Oi5d_diKj_jR7qveXbp28ZT6y4iKm8P8rAEeykDpPwvy8kCsi3IVTHnQ0QJkB5BP23ahokWFnP7ZVHcwlX3gXWELVw/s1600/article-0-1CACEC1200000578-962_638x477.jpg" height="298" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">For a moment, I dared to think it was
almost over. Unfortunately, my initial relief at the fact that I’d made it as
far as the semi-final, was instantly tempered by the news that The Voice has
been commissioned for another two years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a little like finding a crumpled tenner in a jacket pocket, only to
realise that it’s a Scottish note. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tom tells us that Sally is really funny,
which comes as quite a revelation, given her coldly impersonal onscreen
persona. She has all the presence of a local councillor, and struggles to come
alive whenever she’s not singing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given
her thirty-plus years of performing experience, you’d think she’d have worked
up a bit more of a presence. As it is, she makes Leona Lewis look like Joan
Rivers. In a brief interview segment, Sally’s elderly mum tells us that she can’t
wait for Saturday night as if she’s hoping for a slot on Ant & Dec’s
Takeaway. The stylists have thankfully been paying attention, and have decked
Sally out in a pleather two-piece, along with what Sally refers to as Fearne
Cotton’s hair. But all of this is academic, since she still manages to sing
rings around everyone else on the show. Including the judges. Tom congratulates
her “on singing that song the way you sang it.” That’s some quality feedback,
right there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Bizzi is pointing at the sky again, like
he’s directing aircraft into a maintenance hanger, while Tom talks about
getting to the semi-final as being like making it to number 2 in the charts. As
if that’s a relevant frame of reference for anyone who’s ever competed on this
show. There’s also an extended riff on Bizzi getting the people of Leicester
behind him, in a piss-poor pastiche of 24. Tonight, he’s singing Everything
Must Change, and I’m beginning to wish it would. The performance is so dull that
it could be used to test for narcolepsy, but there’s a falsetto note at the end
that gets the audience screaming. Probably because they know it means the
song’s almost finished. Bizzi reckons he enjoyed it so much that he’d like to do
it again, and I momentarily contemplate refusing to pay my licence fee on moral
grounds. Will’s trying to get a new hashtag trending, Tom’s off on one again,
and Emma’s desperately clinging to any hint that someone involved in the show
might display a trace of human emotion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Christina Marie moans about not having any
friends, which doesn’t say much for her personality, and Ricky seems to have
found some particularly harsh lighting that’s bleached out his facial features,
making him look like he should be communicating with Richard Dreyfuss through
hand gestures. Christina Marie’s bellowing an over-the-top version of Bang
Bang, with a bunch of ninjas and a random panther head at the back of the stage.
None of it makes any sense, but this is the Voice semi-final, so narrative coherence
is hardly a priority. Emma confuses feeding a contestant her thoughts as a
closed question, with actual interview technique, then implores us to “get
behind Christina Marie” which is certainly one way of scoring some extra votes.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Chris reveals the shocking news that his
dad passed away two days before the battle round. As tragic as this is, his
comment “I didn’t really mention it before,” makes me wonder why he’s bringing
it up now, right before taking to the stage for the semi-final. Tonight he’s
selected a loungey version of Charlie Chaplin’s Smile, and I’m sorry to say
that even Westlife did it better. I’m guessing that the show’s production
budget must have been blown on Christina Marie’s ninja formation and beaded
epaulettes, because all Chris gets is an old red lampshade. Post-performance,
he claims to be speechless, before wobbling on about the joy of performing for
“four lovely people.” Family members in the crowd, maybe? Will’s feedback has
become so esoteric that he now has to offer notes at the end of each comment,
to indicate the wordplay and rhyming couplets. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Emma suddenly remembers that Marvin’s been
stuck in the V-Room for the entire show, like a dog left in a hot car. Not to
worry – he’s been amusing himself by looking at the show’s webpage. “Ricky’s
fan wall is the most rock and roll. There’s someone in sunglasses,” he adds,
cryptically. Someone clearly thought it was a good idea to get him to hold a
microphone and an iPad at the same time, as well as trying to read an autocue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Lee says that “the pressure is really starting
to show,” as are Kylie’s wrinkles in that harsh white studio light. She tries
to motivate him with a patchy American accent, and Lee obligingly fake-laughs
his way through it. Once again, Lee’s performing another mournful song, only
this time he’s standing on the remains of an old car wreck, with the rest of
the stage done up like an old junkyard. I think there’s a metaphor in here
that’s fighting to get out. As his performance ends, I can’t tell whether he’s genuinely
emotional, or if all that straining has given him a tension headache. Tom reckons
he’s seen Lee “more nervous than that,” as if he’s personally given him a
prostate exam. Will accidentally lets out a little shit. By which I mean, he said
the word, not that he left something behind on the red upholstery. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Kylie has replaced Jamie’s sister as his
roadie, which means she gets the death seat in his little yellow mini. He’s
singing I Can’t Make You Love Me, which seems to be contractually obliged to make
at least one appearance in every single talent show. There’s a rich, soulful
quality to his voice that helps him sell it in, and the stylists have done a
half decent job with him. It’s a little like watching Gary Barlow’s current
wardrobe on Gary Barlow’s old body. He ends with an emotional wobble, because
Lee set the precedent, and this is a competition, after all. “All four coaches
on their feet again,” says Emma, oblivious to the fact that it no longer means
anything when every performance seems to warrant one. “Kylie, you gave Jamie a
fast pass last week, has he completely confirmed why he deserved it?” Another
leading question from Emma there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tom’s reckons
he’s heard a “couple of versions of that song” but he must be rounding it down
to the nearest thousand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Jermain has gone home to visit his family,
and tell us all that he’s a mummy’s boy. When he’s not sniffing mangoes in the
corner shop, he’s doing complicated handshakes in the kitchen with his brother.
Having tried to position him as an ordinary Hackney boy, it’s one step forward,
two steps back; since now he’s singing a desperately uncool version of David
Guetta’s Without You, dressed like a hospital orderly. The baritone in his
voice doesn’t work with this song, making it sound like it can’t settle on
which genre it wants to represent, and near the end some carefully placed
pyrotechnics make it look as though Tom and Kylie just burst into flames. Finally,
Jermain ends with an extravagantly long note that shows off the kind of
microphone technique that’s normally demonstrated by performers with lots of
XXXs in their twitter handles. Will might have got a text from his mother
expressing her disappointment at his little swear, but my phone would be
ringing off the hook if mine ever saw me leaping about on the furniture like
that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sophie May wants to do something modern,
and make it retro. To test out her era-straddling style, she decides to try it
out on some different audiences. First she heads off to the pub to perform to a
dozen drunks, then visits an old folks home to make them thankful for their failing
hearing. One old dear comments “Everyone was enjoying themselves and we’d have
her back any day of the week,” but I’m sure the randy old bugger is just thinking
about Bed-Bath Tuesdays. The retro-futuristic style that Will was aiming for,
has manifested itself<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in an outfit that
suggests she should be negotiating with her “fadder” for Flash Gordon’s life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Before we get onto the mentor performances,
there’s just time for Marvin to get excited about trending worldwide, and Emma to
ask us whose album we’d buy? This is The Voice, when has that ever translated
into the need to buy music?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Sophie May and Jermain have gone to the
Savoy to meet “Mr Will.I.Am,” drink pissy tea, and have scones with their mums.
Back to the live show, and the three of them do a horribly awkward version of
Bowie’s Let’s Dance. Jermain appears to have come as a low ranking knave from
the Queen of Hearts’ army, and Sophie May is so desperately out of tune, it’s
no wonder Jermain decides to sing “I’m so in love with you…” at Will instead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ricky takes Chris and Christina to
Manchester to see how hard it is having to appear on children’s TV. In the
evening they head off to the Brixton Academy, where Ricky wears his new Blue
Peter badge for the NME awards. Rock and roll indeed. The three of them sing
You Really Got Me, and it’s the kind of performance that you almost don’t need
to hear, to know exactly how it sounds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Tom has chosen Dancing In The Street for
his team. He’s still getting mileage out using the word ‘fresh’ and attempting
uninpsired wordplay with Bizzi’s name. The group try out their new dynamic with
an impromptu busk in Covent Garden, as a series of voxpops shows us tedious
tourists who are happy to state the obvious for the camera. The performance is
like Glee for the Countryfile set, and the lyric “It don’t matter what you
wear” hangs in the air like a palpable threat. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Kylie’s taken her boys to GAY, and they’re
both trying to look comfortable about it. Lee’s amazed to be standing by Kylie
as she sings, and he’s “Just in awe.” That, or he just said something massive
disrespectful about her. They’re singing Kylie’s new single, and although she
equips herself well enough, the boys struggle to make the key work for their
voices. As Ricky and Tom give a standing O, Will looks as if he’s just had
another terse text from his mum. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">With time to kill, Emma and Marvin attempt
to get each of the judges to say which artist they’d put through if it was up
to them. Unsurprisingly, they all rebel, but since our presenters are dependent
on the autocue, we have to go through the same rigmarole four times as each
successive judge refuses to play along. Attempting to salvage the moment, Emma
comments “You guys are all too nice, which is testament to the show.” Actually
it’s a condemnation of the show, but it’s late, so we won’t argue the point. Meanwhile,
over in the V Room, Marvin is managing some painful ‘bantz’ with the contestant
about who’s the craziest judge. As they all single out Tom, dementia awareness
campaigners across the country plan a BBC boycott. As for the rest of the
conversation, it’s so painfully pointless it makes Loose Women look like a
compilation of TED talks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Before the result, there’s just time for
two special guest performances. The first is from Shakira, whose English might
have improved in the decade since Whenever, Wherever, but her lyrics certainly
haven’t. The song sounds epic enough, in fact it’s reminiscent of Kate Bush in
places, but it explodes into a load of uninspiring <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“</b>And I’m like, woo-hoo-hoo” for most of the chorus.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Our other special appearance is from Enrique
Iglesias. You know Enrique - he went from doe-eyed balladeer to foul-mouthed
fuck-monkey in the space of one album; in the process achieving the most unlikely
makeover since the Krankies outed themselves as a pair of swingers. The song
sounds like Crazy Frog doing a cover of Gotta Go Home by Boney M, and I’m just
glad that we’re spared a surprise cameo from Pitbull. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Finally, time to reveal the entirely
unsurprising line-up for next week’s grand final. Ladies and gentlemen – I give
you Sally, Christina Marie, Jamie and Jermain.</span><!--EndFragment-->Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-61414924572385030332014-03-24T09:04:00.001+00:002014-03-24T09:04:22.502+00:00The word 'amazing' takes another hammering - The Voice Quarter-Final<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYeLNQ_Flj0Xo2PgFAp4gjGc_4jEsUdqBo_uE4jq7P2euTjKJ92IqKkcfWbrMwagr5wktvSfx0XqRemgP8QjTSdfYvy-IbLUpPBJ6f_zKtuu5wpwgx1nCv7erSRBv9Khr99xJlLtPXZj0/s1600/jermainjackman1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYeLNQ_Flj0Xo2PgFAp4gjGc_4jEsUdqBo_uE4jq7P2euTjKJ92IqKkcfWbrMwagr5wktvSfx0XqRemgP8QjTSdfYvy-IbLUpPBJ6f_zKtuu5wpwgx1nCv7erSRBv9Khr99xJlLtPXZj0/s1600/jermainjackman1.jpg" height="210" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After an extensive build up that made Ben
Hur look like a Tom & Jerry cartoon, we’re finally here. Someone’s thrown a
kettle of water over the Dancing On Ice rink, and they’ve thrown in some raked
seating to create The Voice Arena. Ricky’s smouldering like Ryan Gosling tied to
a chiminea, and Tom is introduced as “The legend with the lungs,” as if he’s
got them in a carrier bag backstage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The pressure must be on to choreograph the
logistics of a massive live show like this, so it’s a shame they didn’t put
their rehearsal time to better use. The acts are all doing their awkward
on-the-spot dancing, like Thunderbirds with half their strings cut. Then we’re
treated to a bewildering overhead shot as the judges head for their seats, the
contestants disappear into the audience, and Emma and Marvin take to the stage.
With so many people moving in different directions, it’s like watching that
intersection in Tokyo that always gets shown, whenever a director wants to make
a point about Japanese overpopulation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Emma is still a breath of fresh air in a
show that often feels more like a stale burp, but her tendency to go off script
causes some painful delays as Marvin waits for the autocue to catch up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The show kicks off properly with
performances from Team Will. They’re marvelling that “He’s done so much, he’s
got a song in space,” which gets me wondering why we can’t stick them all up
there. Leading the charge is Jermain, who’s “already big in Westminster,” which
seems to translate as “he was on the radio with Ed Milliband.” The Labour
leader does his best to sound supportive, and sticks a little green ‘Vote
Jermain’ rosette to his jacket. It’s a nice sentiment, even though it just
looks like someone sneezed on his lapel. To really hammer home the political
theme, we get lots of footage of him on Westminster bridge, staring
meaningfully at Parliament enveloped in a scarf that’s the size of a beach
towel. He sings Bruno Mars’ Treasure like a Vandross tribute act, and it works
perfectly. Meanwhile, Will takes a picture on his iPad, as a production runner
hides in the wings with a roll of masking tape to try and hide the Apple logo. Speaking
as if he’s campaigning in a local election, he tells Emma “I’m so privileged to
be here and opening up the first live show of season three of the Voice.” Kylie
fails to sell in a simple pun, and Tom has a nasty case of pinkeye. Meanwhile,
Ricky suggests “You could sing us the budget and we’d take it,” but I think
‘Beer and Bingo’ sounds more like a Lucy Spraggan song. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Sophie May feels like she’s won Willy Wonka’s
golden ticket, so let’s just hope she doesn’t end up wedged into someone’s
chocolate chute. A few weeks ago, she was “just an ordinary teenager living at
home.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now she’s an ordinary teenager
drinking coffee from a polystyrene cup at Elstree. </span><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Plus ça change</span><span lang="EN-US">. She does a big band version of Moondance, but sings so much of it
in her low register, that all the high notes sound particularly sharp.
Thankfully the arrangement is loud enough to drown most of it out and I’m
browsing iTunes for the instrumental. After a quick burst of “Ermagerd, I’m
like absolutely buzzin’” there’s a bit of desperately banal patter about her
learning to cook. </span><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Iesher is cute and perky but dead behind
the eyes, as if she was programmed, rather than raised. She wants to take a
break so she and her mates head off to the cinema, which is a bit of a busman’s
holiday for her. Will interrupts the screening to boost her confidence, but I’m
not sure how making 200 impatient moviegoers hate her is going to help. She’s
singing Rather Be, and it’s nice to see her sing something contemporary and age
appropriate. Having said that, it’s a little shrill in places and she
occasionally sounds out of breath. Oh, and that joke I made earlier about the
tape on Will’s iPad? Turns out, that’s exactly what happened. Will gets her to
redo the adlibs she felt she missed in her performance, and Tom growls
something about her “built-in, natural rhythm.” Well, this is awkward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">There’s yet another contrived wrinkle in
the format, on a show that’s already reinvented itself more times than Cher.
This time it’s the Fast Pass. Each mentor gets to choose one act to go straight
through to the semi-final, while the audience votes on the other two. Will
rambles for ages about how his acts were “Freakin’ mega-dope super fresh” and
complements Jermain on his harmonic vernaculars. And on a family show? Anyway,
by the time he finally makes a decision, Emma almost misses it. Then Jermain
heads off to the V-Room, where Marvin asks him “How does it feel to be in the
semi-final?” Moments later, he asks Iesher, “Your fate is in the public’s
hands, how does that make you feel right now?” I’m beginning to spot a theme. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The verdict is that “Will’s team has set
the bar.” And I think I need to hit one. But there’s no time for that. We’re
straight into Team Kylie now. Or we would be if the judges would stop taking
pointless selfies. Everyone’s trying so hard to be current, that I’ve got money
on Tom and Ricky Instagraming their #CockInASock pictures by the results show. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Jamie drives around his hometown with his
overly keen sister, while she terrifies pedestrians with a battery-operated
loudhailer. Tonight he’s singing 1000 Miles, which is all very middle of the
road until the final 30 seconds. He’s left his coat on, so I guess he’s not
staying. The post-performance banter is getting painful, and all anyone can say
is “You look really fantastic.” I get the sense that a lot of editing went into
the footage of those early rounds. Emma complements Jamie on his Mini Cooper,
saying “It’s a lovely car, it’s the colour of my dress,” before sticking her
microphone in his face for a reaction. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Lee gets props for the intensity he brings
to every performance. He’s certainly a dab hand at taking a great pop song and
making it sound like a Japanese whale cull. He’s quit his job, and thrown his
meager possessions in a little blue plastic basket, so he can focus his
energies on Kris Kristofferson’s Help Me Make It Through The Night. It’s been
rearranged like something Bryan Adams might stick on a film soundtrack, and the
staging involves a weird combination of creeping tree branches and silhouetted
dancers. The effect is not unlike a performance in Sherwood Forest’s first
strip club.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Rachael has a shouty dad who doesn’t want
her seeing any boys. At least, I think that’s what he said, since he sounds
like Jim MacDonald with a mouthful of marbles. Rachael’s come dressed as an
oven ready chicken in a tinfoil skirt, and there are way too many neon colours
on display throughout her song. It doesn’t help matters that the dancers seem
to be performing to a completely different track. Rachael’s verdict is that
this is more fun than doing homework. Halfway through the show, and I’d rather
be doing double maths. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Tom’s moaning about young people again.
Next he’ll be fishing a lint-covered boiled sweet from his pocket and reading
the paper with a magnifying glass. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Kylie says she’s had a change and doesn’t
know if she’s hot or cold. What an awkward time to become menopausal. In the
end, she picks Jamie, who heads to the V Room for another inspiring exchange
with Marvin: “Come and join us in the V Room. How are you feeling? Back to you
Emma.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Apparently, “Tom’s done it all. Seen it
all. Sung it all.” And there’s a good chance that he’s fucked it all too. As we
cut back to the studio, the old legend seems to be making a move on Emma. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s remembering his first Royal Variety Show
when he was in his twenties, presumably at the request of Queen Victoria herself.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Bizzi tells us he was born and raised in a
church, so I hope they washed the pews before the next Sunday service. He’s
over the moon to be here, saying “It was my dream to be in the final twelve.” I
think he could probably afford to aim a little higher. His performance of If
You Really Love Me sounds fine, but the animated checkerboard motif looks like
Mary Quant’s idea of a vertigo attack. Ricky describes it as a big party song,
but it’s was more of a wedding performance. Will and Kylie have switched right
off, and they’re busy taking stupid pictures of each other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Sally’s talking about her sad life again,
and as much as I love her voice, I do wish she’d retire this perpetual
recapping of her widowhood. She’s doing To Love Somebody, and this time, she
has a hint of Sandy Denny to her voice, which works incredibly well. The thing
is, she’s had enough time to learn what her voice can and can’t do, as well as
which songs serve it best. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Emma calls
out “Tom, she’s got you again, Your eyes are full of tears.” And he resists the
urge to shout “It’s glaucoma you insensitive bitch.” Ricky muses that “There’s
a dark and fragile quality to your voice that I can’t put my finger on.” Even
though he just did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Georgia used to be fat, and now she isn’t.
As origin stories go, it’s not exactly Spider-Man. She starts way out of time
with her arrangement, and there’s a very distracting photographic effect on the
performance. Everything’s in black and white, with the camera only picking up
elements of red. It works pretty well until we pan past a row of matronly
women, whose rubicund faces trigger the effect as well, making them all look as
if they’ve just finished a cross-country run.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Georgia’s performance is a little too shouty and tuneless for me, and
I’m not sure about the outfit, which looks like Minnie Mouse has gone on the
game. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Tom chooses Sally and they’re obviously in
a rush, because her sons are left hanging about after racing to the stage to
congratulate her. Bizzy and Georgia wander off like disorientated ducklings,
before a floor manager shepherds them back onto the stage. And Marvin reminds
us that tonight’s performances are all on iTunes, with a promise of “Music to
download and keep forever.” Just like those JLS albums. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Over on Ricky’s team, we’re starting things
off with Chris. He’s a reserved and shy person, so thank goodness for the shot
of him crouched in an alley writing poetry against a brick wall. Ricky says “I
think we need a popstar like Chris, someone who comes from nowhere and blows
you away.” That’s how we ended up with James Arthur, and look how that turned
out. Chris gives a great performance of One Day Like This, and it’s nice to see
the effort the stylists have made. It’s just a shame they couldn’t persuade him
to ditch the Oliver Hardy moustache. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Emily’s dad is really missing her, because
the hotel’s going to be dead busy at Easter. Still, she’s been helping out,
serving bowls of grey soup, but now she’s focused on channeling Christina
Aguilera for a surprisingly effective version of Happy. She even looks like a
star, apart from the perm which is still a bit too Page 3 circa 1987. Kylie and
Emma rave about Emily’s legs as if they were both Bella Emberg from the hips
down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Christina Marie tells us how she got an
office job to support her single mum and help raise her little sister, then
quit in order to chase her dream on The Voice. She seems to be slowly
transforming into Katy Perry, but at least she can sing. Everlong is the
perfect choice for her powerful voice, and hers is one of the best performances
of the night. Tom and Ricky talk about the vocals, and Kylie gets asked for her
opinion on the dress. It’s no surprise that Ricky chooses to save Christina
Marie, who’s treated to another inane exchange with Marvin, before being hugged
like he’s trying to pop her dislocated shoulder back in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">By the time the results show rolls around,
the stars seem as exhausted as I am. There’s a listless group performance of
the mentors’ own songs, which leaves poor Sally looking like she’s been
abducted by a group of Satanists. Jason Derulo runs through two of his latest
hits and reminds us why we all miss Michael Jackson so much. One Republic also
pop up for a low key performance drenched in cold blue light. The energy is
fading fast, so thankfully, Emma doesn’t waste too much time revealing that
Sophie May, Lee, Bizzi and Chris have already made it to the semi-final. Now,
I’m off to freebase some Berocca. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-67805882780833554342014-03-17T09:39:00.001+00:002014-03-17T09:39:10.088+00:00Knockout round deals a fatal blow to The Voice<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp85CLvNlHH5vU3Zp4KKmCTLbTHP0HdR3EFr6rbKgGuK8X-HkPUYE6_47SBP5qn__B3fQ_C4foyC1ovIdavFKccVZAIE1LmwCNlVxacUjrixSVHHZOn15_EfYUIubTFRjuY4G4USkl1Yw/s1600/5793684-low_res-the-voice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp85CLvNlHH5vU3Zp4KKmCTLbTHP0HdR3EFr6rbKgGuK8X-HkPUYE6_47SBP5qn__B3fQ_C4foyC1ovIdavFKccVZAIE1LmwCNlVxacUjrixSVHHZOn15_EfYUIubTFRjuY4G4USkl1Yw/s1600/5793684-low_res-the-voice.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">First it was the battle rounds; now we’re
onto the knockouts. It’s no wonder I’m finding these weekly reviews such hard
going – one week out from the live quarterfinals and I’m starting to develop a
nasty case of cauliflower ear. And yet, no matter how aggressive the
terminology used to describe the various rounds, the show itself is still a bit
like being licked to death by a tiresomely attentive beagle. It doesn’t so much
knock you out, as gradually wear you down with its boundless enthusiasm. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This weekend, we’re treated to a double
bill – almost three hours of relentless over singing, and judges who refuse to
pass anything like a damning verdict. The mild-mannered niceness is
overwhelming, which can make sitting through such extensive coverage feel like
something of a marathon. By the end of this review, I fully expect to be
wrapped in one of those tinfoil blankets as someone throws a cup of Lucozade
into my face. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Since there are only three more episodes
left in the series, it’s clear where the problems lie with the format. Far too
much weighting is given to the blind auditions; half of the entire run, in
fact. Which leaves just seven episodes to get down from 56 singers to the
winner. It’s no wonder, then, that previous champions have slipped into
anonymity quicker than Lord Lucan at a moustache aficionados’ conference. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Needless to say, I don’t plan to
laboriously recap every performance that occurs this weekend. For a start, I
don’t plan on rivaling JK Rowling in the word count stakes, and if it’s painful
to watch, I can only imagine the discomfort involved in reading about it. So
fasten yourself in for a whistle-stop tour of the highlights, and lowlights.
And if you really care about everything in the middle – there’s always iPlayer.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The key theme of the Knockout round seems
to be song choice. The contestants are now responsible for their own pick, and
they’re all determined to take a risk, and then worry about it. Eagle-eyed
viewers will also notice that budget cuts seem to have reduced the performers
down to sharing a single microphone; which gets passed on at the end of each
performance like a sweat-soaked relay baton. Not that it’s stopped the
producers from planting random mic’s elsewhere around the studio. For some
reason, we need to hear the comments of random family members in the audience,
as well as sotto voce commentary by the other contestants, who’ve been forced
to stand uncomfortably in the wings as their teammates perform. Sally’s awkward
dancing during her fellow competitors’ songs was a particular low point. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Finally, there’s all the hugging. If it’s
not Marvin, commanding people to embrace each other like he’s directing amateur
porn, it’s everyone else piling on whenever the camera turns in their
direction. If the editors cut out all the shots of people hugging it out,
there’d only be about half an hour of footage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Team
Kylie<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Kylie’s on the lookout for “Charisma,
talent, amazingness,” only narrowly managing to avoid copyright infringement of
RuPaul’s more memorable “Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent.” As for the
contestants; they’ve all been reaching into the cliché bran tub and pulling out
their random bon mots: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I need to be in the finals, so much,” “It
is a competition at the end of the day,” and “It’s make or break, it’s as
simple as that.” As she gees them up for their big moment, Kylie intimates that
the judging process isn’t quite as hands-on as the producers would have us
believe, “I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know you, a little bit,
throughout this process.” Word to the wise – when you get rejected, don’t
bother asking the mentors if you’ll still be friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Leo describes the “most cringiest situation
I’ve ever been in,” before immediately besting it with a falsetto-heavy version
of I Wanna Know What Love Is. Jai is described as “unlike anyone else,”
excluding all the other second rate Winehouse impersonators out there, and
squawks her way through Take Your Mama Out Tonight like an angry penguin. Jade
wants “to show Kylie that I don’t just do pop and commercial,” just in case The
Voice was in danger of discovering a commercially viable recording artist, and
performs a sultry version of Blue Moon that about as authentically seductive as
a sex scene with Frank Drebin. Lee stands on stage as if he’s awaiting
sentencing in a magistrate’s court, before making Careless Whisper sound like a
Nick Drake b-side. Femi gives us Bobby Womack’s version of California Dreaming,
and struggles to stay in the right key. Rachael does New York by Paloma Faith,
having reminded us she’s just a small-town girl from Northern Ireland. In fact,
every shot in her VT has a tractor in it, like the ubiquitous penny-farthing in
French & Saunders’ House of Idiot. Jamie wants to show us his sexy side,
but even Ryan Gosling would struggle in a wool waistcoat. Ricky describes
Kylie’s decision as being “like picking lobsters in a restaurant,” which has me
imagining a far more interesting task for the quarter finals. Someone fire up
the hot-tub. In the end, La Minogue picks Lee, Jamie and Rachael, as we’re
treated to more hugs than Christmas on Waltons Mountain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Team
Tom<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Kylie’s made her decision, mine’s to come.
And like her, I’m dreading it,” growls Tom. With an hour and a half still to
go, I’m hardly cock-a-hoop either. Celestine kicks things off with You Might
Need Somebody, and I’m thinking that the bus fare home might be of more use to
her. Melissa’s sole characteristic is her pink hair, which is just as well,
since her performance was memorable for all the wrong reasons. It was supposed to
be the Joan Jett classic, but she might as well have renamed it I Don’t Really
Like Rock n Roll, How About a Weird Swing Hybrid Instead? Gary has “got that
soul thing,” which sounds like a medical affliction, and his odd rendition of
George Michael’s Freedom isn’t helped by the weird vocal twitch that suggests
he caught himself in his zip. Bizzi is having a go at Leo Sayer and promises to
get “Bizzi with it.” Sigh. Tom warns him not to get too “Oobly oobly,” which is
Tom’s way of describing an overly melismatic performance. In the end, it’s as dull
and lifeless as a deflated sex doll dressed as an accountant. Georgia is still
Adele’s cousin, but struggling to find her own voice. She surprises everyone
with her version of Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds, but I’m more taken aback
by her outfit, which looks like a cross between L’il orphan Annie and Olive
Oyl. Steven unwisely attempts to tackle Mika’s Grace Kelly, once Kylie and
Ricky have finished flirting, and Will’s done writing in his diary. The falsetto
bits sound like Mister Punch getting ready to beat his wife. Finally, there’s a
touch of class as Sally take the stage and softly tells us “You don’t have to
bash ten bells out of something.” She maintains that she’s really enjoying the
experience, but I guess her face didn’t get the memo. When she sings, she’s
dynamite, like a blend of Beverly Craven and Christine McVie, but she has the
body-language of an argumentative traffic warden. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tom gets it mostly right, picking Sally,
Georgia and Bizzi. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Team
Ricky<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ricky’s got something up his sleeve and promises
give us the full monty. Let’s just say, if he can tuck it into his sleeve, I’ll
be watching closely. We’re reminded that 45,000 people auditioned to be on this
show, and yet it feels like half of them are still on it. And there’s only
three shows left. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jessica screws up everything in her audition
and would probably be a nightmare to manage. Her version of La La La is pitchy
and tuneless, but in that sense, it’s not too far from the original. Chris has
an unusual quality: “He walks in a room and you think, ah right, Chris is
here.” So his special skill is that he’s corporeal? He seems to think that the
world needs yet another version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow, then delivers a
performance which proves, once and for all, that it didn’t. Beth is the
youngest in the competition, and looks like Michaela Strachan in Worzel
Gummidge’s wig. She’s singing Teenage Dirtbag, but without any consonants. It’s
such a lazy way of singing, she’d probably enunciate better if she was spitting
out bubble gum. Christina Marie tries to do Mariah’s Vision of Love with her
brassy belter of a voice, which is a little like trying to parallel park a JCB.
Relieved that it’s all over, she puts her hands in her hair, and I’m beginning
to think that sleeves might have been a good idea. Jazz worships Beyonce, and
has picked Work It Out for her big performance. Ricky’s unimpressed with the
choice, and I can see his point – it’s a song that lacks any discernible
melody, so coupled with her shrill vocal style, it’s like a mid-tempo migraine
made out of funk. Max is cool, confident, and way out of his league. His
version of Home by Gabrielle Aplin sounds as if he’s attending his first
post-stroke speech therapy session. Last of the bunch is Emily, who’s picked a
Stooshe song to show that she’s young and fresh, despite being a sixties
pastiche. It’s a bit like watching Sheridan Smith on karaoke, and makes for a
very long 80 seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ricky chooses Chris, Christina Marie and
Emily to go through to the live shows. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Team
Will<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Will’s rhyming again about his pristine team
with “vocals to the extreme,” whilst Tom’s still practicing using the word
‘fresh’ in conversation. Iesher says “I think Will is gonna have a tough time
choosing,” when what she actually means is, “…the other two.” As all seven
members of Team Will line up on stage, they make Guardians of the Galaxy look
normal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">James is still struggling with his
confidence, typified by an awkward high-five-cum-handshake that Will initiates.
Iesher makes everyone feel ancient, by picking a Whitney Houston song her mum
used to sing when she was little, only to reveal that it’s from the legendary
diva’s final album. The performance is disappointingly shrill and nasal, but
her other performances may yet save her. Callum is wearing another ridiculous
outfit that looks as if he just crawled out of a tumble dryer and threw on
whatever stuck to his leg.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jermain makes
up for his ice-wash denim shirt with a great vocal on A House Is Not A Home. He
has a rich baritone that really works on this song, but it’s far from the
definitive talent show version (for that, you’ll have to Google Tamyra
Gray).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anna’s harping on again, so Will
plays producer and desperately tries to add a little oomph to her
somnambulistic performance. Her voice is pretty enough, but the moment is
spoiled by a hilarious shot of her dad’s wobbling bottom lip as he attempts to
hold back the tears. Nomakhosi yelps and screams all over a Bruno Mars song,
and looks as though she was enjoying herself. I guess the law of averages
dictates that someone had to. “That was great,” adds Ricky, unconvincingly. Sophie
appears to be trapped in time - Will thinks she’s from the 1920s, she’s dressed
like 1940s, and she’s obsessing about 1960s Audrey Hepburn. Will thinks she’s a
unicorn that takes him to Wonderland, but her version of Moon River is so
drowsy, I’m beginning to suspect that Wonderland is a bedding store. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Bringing this week’s excitement to a close,
Will chooses Iesher, Jermain and Sophie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-63242336929218328012014-03-09T12:01:00.002+00:002014-03-09T12:01:26.680+00:00The Voice Battles Audience Apathy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0IN3fzsHxSLnn76kOAv_UgzwWLmovnOyVyEvj5KAUFfhtk_WmJcU_WRk2pC558sig5BBr_1cOYK7dv67h6UspWQIjy1Qe3SPgA4XVE03Sd7FB3dmNkaA2TEIujdJGYsHu95mM4Epio4o/s1600/Voice+Image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0IN3fzsHxSLnn76kOAv_UgzwWLmovnOyVyEvj5KAUFfhtk_WmJcU_WRk2pC558sig5BBr_1cOYK7dv67h6UspWQIjy1Qe3SPgA4XVE03Sd7FB3dmNkaA2TEIujdJGYsHu95mM4Epio4o/s1600/Voice+Image.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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You know, people love to blame Simon Cowell
for killing the music industry. They seem to think that his various talent show
franchises are creating a disposable, soulless brand of music that leaves real
creativity out of the mix. But on the strength of this series of The Voice, I’d
argue that there’s an even more insidious threat to originality. A whole
generation of girls who think that, in order to be taken seriously, they need
to offer up a second rate impersonation of Amy Winehouse’s most self-indulgent
ticks. But we’ll get to that shortly. For now, let’s say hello to our judges,
and get this week’s contractually obliged reference to Tom’s legendary status
out of the way. There’s another 24 singers to get through, so we should dispense
with the pleasantries and dive straight in.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Team Ricky - Chris vs Jamie<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Ricky’s happy to have Katy B as his
advisor, because “she knows what she’s talking about,” which doesn’t display
too much confidence in his own guidance. He’s picked Rolling In The Deep, for
these two to sing, because Adele doesn’t get nearly enough coverage on shows
like this. Chris talks about pulling out his “little falsetto” like he’s got a
kitten in his coat pocket, and I’m just glad that Jamie has toned down the “rubs
the lotion on its skin” aesthetic from his previous appearance. The rehearsal
sounds nightmarish, and despite Ricky’s best efforts to big up their pairing,
it’s less “serpent versus a lion,” and more “tinnitus vs perforated eardrum.”
In the close-ups, Chris looks like Oliver Hardy in a backwards baseball cap,
but at least that takes my mind off the awful falsetto ad libs. The song’s
melody has been entirely discarded, and replaced with a nervous breakdown set
to a drum beat. Tom says he wasn’t expecting the falsetto, which just means
that he wasn’t paying attention to the VT. Ricky chooses Chris, and says of his
protégé, “You feel like you’re in the presence of someone who should be doing
something.” Spoken less like a mentor, and more like a frustrated Middle
Manager. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Team Kylie – Rachael vs Amelia<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jake Shears is boasting that “Performance
is really where I shine,” whilst wearing a sweater that suggests dress sense
comes a lot further down his list of skills. Amelia wants to tear up the
vocals, but Kylie advises her to dial it down. I think this is less in service
to the song, and more out of sympathy to the audience, who’ve got twelve
over-sung yelling matches to get through. Both girls keep bursting into tears,
but it makes sense when we’re reminded that they’re only sixteen – if they
weren’t here, they’d probably be nicking scrunchees from Claire’s Accessories. During
their duet, they aim for chemistry, but it looks more like a playground rumble
that’s about to kick off. Rachael’s good from the start, but Amelia doesn’t get
going until halfway through. While Kylie deliberates, Emma asks Tom what it was
like performing at 16, as if he should be able to remember the Cretacious
period. Having chosen Rachael, Kylie gets up for yet another hug – she’d have
less body contact if she went to an osteopath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Team Will – Kiki vs James<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Will’s picked two of the most memorable
acts for his first duet of the night – burlesque singer Kiki, and James who
often gets mistaken for a woman. There are lots of tactful remarks about Kiki’s
big ‘personality’ – “When Kiki walks into a room, you know she’s there.” Also
known as Archimedes’ displacement principle. Will attempts to coach James
through his shyness, but he looks so disinterested, he could be sorting safety
pins in a drycleaners. Kiki’s introduced with the line: “She knows what she wants
and she’s here to take it,” and I’m sorry to say that I’m picturing her at a
hot fork buffet. James appears to have taken styling tips from Diana Vickers,
whereas Kiki looks like a sexy, 1940s weather balloon. Kiki seems a little
overconfident, and Will hides in the toilet to avoid making a decision. After
much sitting around, he finally returns and picks James. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Team Tom – Melissa vs Vicky<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The next showdown is between two girls with
fake red hair. Initially, Tom wants them to perform Keep Me Hanging On, but
when neither singer connects with it, Tom’s forced to pull out a Pink song
instead. Vicky’s concerned that “I’m never gonna get away from who my brother
is,” so she should probably stop mentioning it every time she enters a room. Melissa
wipes the floor with her, mostly because she finds the right key and sticks
with it, whereas Vicky is all over the place. After a bit of confusion over
Will’s reference to plaid, Tom picks Melissa and Kylie avoids eye contact with
Vicky until the lighting state returns to normal. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Team Ricky – Myles vs Max<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Ricky mentions how he loves the Beatles,
and has no time for anyone who doesn’t. So it’s the perfect time for Myles to
mention that he’s not really au fais with Eleanor Rigby. The Kaiser Chief tells
us that “Myles doesn’t even have a comfort zone,” and by the looks of those
skintight pleather leggings, neither does Katy B. The song gets off to a less
than auspicious start - Myles is too gravelly and Max sounds more like a four-minute
warning siren. The two of them go so far from the melody that even their
families look embarrassed, but in the end Ricky makes the first wrong decision
of the night by picking Max. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Team Will – Sophie May and Cherri<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Will’s selected Love Cats for his two jazzy
singers, but by the look on their face, you’d think he’d given them Touch My
Bum by the Cheeky Girls. They spend most of their rehearsal time practicing
scat, which means five minutes of “scoobedy boobedy, yabba dabba
boop-oop-ee-doo.” Despite that, the arrangement works well, and both singers do
an interesting job. Sophie May has less stage presence, but Will chooses her
anyway. As the vanquished Cherri congratulates her rival backstage, there’s a
less-than-sincere edge to her wishes of “good luck.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Team Kylie – Jamie vs Joe<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Speaking about Kylie, Marvin comments “Jamie
went the way of most young men,” which sounds vaguely disrespectful to the pop
princess. Jamie and Joe are newfound bezzies, and spend much of their rehearsal
time hugging and adding each other to their speed dial. On the night, Jamie’s
voice is too big and Joe is too inconsequential, so it’s a tough one to call
for all the wrong reasons. Jamie can’t stop grinning, whereas Joe constantly
looks as if he’s going to burst into tears. As the two are finally wrenched
apart by Kylie’s decision to keep Jamie, she seems genuinely moved. In the
audience, Joe’s dad is shaking his head and wondering why the lad didn’t break
out some wobbly-legged Irish dancing moves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Team Will – Iesher vs Femi<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Will’s picked two of the best singers on
the show to go head-to-head, which is likely to make for a great duet, but a
piss-poor result. Femi seems to think his family’s life depend on his
performance, so I hope someone points out that he’s in The Voice, not one of
Jigsaw’s traps. He has a cool, classic Atlantic Soul sound to his voice,
whereas Iesher loses it on the adlibs a little. Will picks Iesher, to the
delight of her pushy parents, and Femi sings a pitch to Kylie, in the hope that
she’ll steal him. It’s pretty cringey stuff, but his voice is undeniably great.
Kylie says she was going to steal him anyway, so I guess everyone’s happy. As
Kylie approaches Will from behind, he comments “Someone smells nice, I know
that’s not Tom.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Team Tom – Leverne vs Georgia<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After all the huggy nonsense, it’s nice to
see two singers admitting that they couldn’t give a shit if the other went
home. They’re doing Taylor Swift’s 22, and Georgia can really connect with it,
because when she was that age, it was also her dress size. Tom picks up on the
girls’ nerves backstage, but tells them “I’m gonna try and relax myself.” Let’s
hope he keeps his back to the audience. Georgia has it in the bag from the
first line, and the awkward harmonies do nothing to help Leverne’s case. While
the mother of four now has to contend with being a loser, and portrayed as a
bit of a bitch, Georgia throws herself at a pile of meat in a tight sweater. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Team Kylie – Gemyni vs Jade<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Time for the weird lookalikes round now, as
we get to see what would happen if Katherine Jenkins went up against two Leona
Lewises, after they’d all had a cartoon safe dropped on them. Jade’s struggling
to make an impression up against the twins, so she’s going to have to do more
than put another long split in her skirt. The twins do a weird slow motion run,
instead of dancing, and all three of them manage to make a complete hash of
Baby, One More Time. In the end, Kylie picks Jade, leaving the twins’
boyfriends to regret having those Gemyni t-shirts printed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Team Tom – Gary vs Elesha<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">There’s just time for a few more scenes of
people straining themselves against a piano, before Gary and Elesha give the
penultimate performance of the evening. The studio lights make the sparkles in
Gary’s jacket look more like dandruff, which is unfortunate. Together, they
give a remarkably tuneless rendition of Usher’s Caught Up, which feels more
like a three-day audit than a two-minute pop song. Tom wishes they could sing
together all the time, which kind of contradicts Will’s earlier point that Elesha
sings better alone, then picks Gary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Team Ricky – Luciee Marie vs Jazz<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">So here we are. Tonight’s last song. The
last duet in the battle round. And the last time I’ll have to freeze-frame the
recording to catch another ridiculous spelling of a perfectly ordinary name. “I’ve
loved Katy B for, like, ever.” gushes Luciee Marie about Ricky’s advisor who’s
only been in the industry for a couple of years. Katy B reciprocates by lying
that she really likes the tone of the girls’ voices – because who doesn’t love
an affected Winehouse impersonator? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
performance is almost unlistenable, with neither singer using their real voice,
but Will seems impressed regardless. Ricky picks Jazz, leaving Luciee Marie’s
mum to wonder if she’s going to be stuck carrying that banner round for the
rest of the day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-29635325360938230082014-03-02T10:18:00.003+00:002014-03-02T10:18:36.828+00:00Fighting and Stealing - The Voice turns into the Croydon Riots<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If it seems a little windy out tonight, we can probably blame it on the nation's collective sigh of relief, as eight million people realise that the interminable blind auditions have finally finished. So now, we limp exhaustedly towards the dual rounds, where two singers go head-to-head, and only one survives. That sounds a lot more dramatic than it really is. Maybe this is more explosive on the US edition of the show, where competitiveness is part of their DNA. Here in the UK, it’s a decidedly polite affair – imagine a political debate moderated by Gloria Hunniford. <br /><br />The judges are still excited to be here though, as we see Ricky cartwheeling across the stage, and hear various iterations of “It was great, it was amazing.” Trust me, there’s going to be a lot of that tonight. Even if they’re just talking about how well the Febreze worked on Jessie’s old chair. Tom insists he’s looking for the complete package, having spent the last 60 years wearing out his own, and Ricky’s moaning: “I’ve got twelve, then I’ve got to cut them down to six. What’s that all about?” It’s called The Voice, Ricky. Didn’t you read your contract? Will even warns that he brought a knife to the duels, so don’t be too shocked if the show goes full West Side Story by 9pm. <br /><br />It’s time for the judges to take their place, so Will helps Kylie down the stage steps. Which reminds me; we’ve yet to see a single woman walk up or down those four steps unaided. If this show comes back for a fourth season, the BBC would do well to put in a Stannah – it’ll half their insurance premiums. <br /><br />Tonight’s first duel is courtesy of Team Will. To help him get his acts prepared, he’s brought back his fellow Pea, Dante Santiago, as well as Leah McFall – last year’s runner up. It’s a canny move on Will’s part, to promote the album the two of them have been working on for the last twelve months, but she’s not exactly gifted with abundant industry insight. Leah’s been through this process, so feels that she can empathise. That’s great, but they’re stressed enough as it is, without some pointless Irish badger saying, “Yeah, I did that too.” <br /><br />Will picks Jermaine and Sarah to sing I Knew You Were Waiting. He tells us that he loves how Sarah enjoys every note, now if she could just translate that into the audience feeling the same. He also observes the fact that Jermaine keeps “moving his little head,” which is a bit rich coming from someone who could use a magnifying glass as a shaving mirror. The boxing motif is back in full force, but it’s doubtful that anyone’s going to get punched in the face. Tom gives his crinkly-eyed smile because he’s heard this one before. Sarah’s strong, if a little dated in her style, and Jermaine seems like a compilation of secondary characters from Coming To America, especially the preacher and the lead singer of Sexual Chocolate. Still, at least it worked pretty well as a duet. Emma wonders how Jermaine gets so low, and Will thinks his whole story is “kismic.” I’m guessing that’s supposed to be a combination of karmic and kismet. In the end, Will keeps Jermaine, which makes Sarah available for the steal. As she stands there hopefully, bathed in cold, blue light, the other judges avoid eye-contact, like they’re checking their voicemail. <br /><br />Over on Team Kylie, we’re introduced to her “filthy, gorgeous Scissor Sister friend, Jake Shears.” His eyes are bulging so wide, it’s like watching Cohaagen die in Total Recall. They’re reflecting on Lee and Jimmy’s original auditions, where Lee apparently “sang Kylie’s song back to her, with interest.” Just not mine. Jimmy’s the one who works as a decorator, but warns us that he’s “not living for the paint brush,” cleverly referencing one of Stevie Wonder’s original discarded lyrics. They’re singing When You Were Young by The Killers, and Lee is feeling a little insecure – “Jake isn’t the one entering the ring with Jimmy,” he observes, in a comment that ought to be accompanied by the sound of a swanee whistle. Marvin pitches the duel as a “civil war between Kylie’s Coventry boys,” but in all honesty, it’s more of a dispute in a small claims court. Lee’s shirt doesn’t fit, and neither does the song, leaving Ricky looking as if he’s sitting on one of those studded iPhone cases. There are far too many close-ups on people’s wide open mouths – this must be like porn for dentists. Kylie seems to be siding with Lee, who’s so stocky he’s practically a pork pie with tattoos, and Marvin is just hoping that no-one’s noticed his red shirt and pink trouser combo. Jimmy knows his time is up, but at least he could get work as Linda Henry’s stunt double on EastEnders. <br /><br />Tom walks into the rehearsal room to be greeted by a bevy of brassy women, like a Tupperware salesman who just hit the jackpot. He’s bizarrely picked Tinie Tempah as his advisor, presumably because the producers are worried that he’s only pulling in the Countryfile crowd. Sally and Talia, are going head-to-head with their version of Olly Murs’ Dear Darlin’. At 54, Sally’s not entirely familiar with it, so picks up her clamshell phone (bless her) to ask her kids for insight. Not that any of this matters, since she’s flawless and haunting – elevating a rather ordinary pop song into something quite special. Talia, on the other hand, is struggling with the Cranberries equaliser in her head. Marvin tells them that they both look amazing, but that seems to be the only adjective in his repertoire, so we won’t be too harsh on him for lying. Tom’s choked up with emotion again, but I reckon the label on an Innocent smoothie would make him weepy. Ricky thinks Sally gives off a mist that makes him happy. I think means he’s just called her a hookah. You’re welcome. <br /><br />Ricky is talking about taking his team from good to great, with Katy B as his advisor, mostly because she’s got a new album to plug. He’s pitting Beth against twins Tila & Tavelah on Katy Perry’s Roar. His coaching style has a touch of the Gervais about it, and Katy B is just a Catherine Tate character in search of a half-decent sketch – is this The Voice or have I switched over to Dave by mistake? The twins are good at jumping in and disguising the weaknesses in each others’ voices, which comes in handy on a song that’s in such a low register that Barry White would struggle. The whole performance is a hot, leopard print mess and, for once, I’m actually wishing that Katy Perry was here to sing it. Marvin says it was amazing, (surprise!) and the judges overegg the references to prowling. Marvin has to “axe” Ricky for his decision, so the Kaiser frontman chooses Beth, which makes Will pull a face like the invisible man is giving him a root canal. <br /><br />Kylie picks Leo and Steven. Leo may have some “thunder down under,” but he’s not impressing Jake with his unwillingness to learn the lyrics of Thunder In My Heart. At least, I think he’s unimpressed – it’d be hard to discern any expression other than “Oh fuck, a train!” from his wide-eyed countenance. Too much is made of Leo’s attraction to Kylie, as if that cheap Primark skirt could genuinely throw him off his game. He might have struggled with the lyrics, but Leo opens strong, and Steven matches him with a James Morrison growl to his voice. The ad-libs are excruciating though, as they try to out-falsetto each other, waggling their fingers like gospel caricatures. Emma is managing the post-performance chatter like a pro, reminding us why she seems to be booked on every show except Panorama. Kylie chooses Leo, and Tom steals Steven; winning a grateful hug from Kylie. The sly old dog. <br /><br />Time to saunter back down memory lane, as Tom recalls performing with Wilson Pickett on his TV show. This is because Bizzi and Kenny are going head-to-head on a soul version of Hey, Jude. Bizzi goes first, and it’s fine, if a little too much like the gig at a corporate do. Kenny has a great voice, but wears an expression like he’s worried about his overdue library fines. Will calls it as the best battle in three seasons, but it’s not like been spoiled for choice, since most of them were skirmishes at best. Tom picks Bizzi, and Kenny goes unstolen, like the hostess trolley in a looted Debenhams. <br /><br />Marvin tells us we’re at the halfway point, and I begin to curse the fact that we don’t have bigger wine glasses. <br /><br />Will pairs Tom with Callum, who’s come dressed as Ruby Rhod from The Fifth Element. Before they’ve sung a note, I’ve already decided that Tom should win, just because he’s not an insufferable wanker who takes his styling tips from old Salt N Pepa videos. PYT might have made a great Michael Jackson record, but it’s not exactly a great song, and in this format even 90 seconds can feel like a lifetime. In Belmarsh. Ricky thinks they look as if they’ve been performing together for years. So did Buckingham and Nicks – it didn’t mean they were happy to share the stage. Will chooses Callum, who then hangs around in the wings pretending that he’s hoping Tom will get a steal. <br /><br />Kylie picks Jai and Nomakhosi to go next. Jai was apparently one of only a handful of performers to get all four judges to turn, “But whose team did she choose?” asks Marvin redundantly. “Jake and I have done many a thing together,” warns Kylie, prompting Jake’s eyes to bulge like he’s in a malfunctioning hyperbaric chamber. The girls are doing Tainted Love and are struggling with the competitive element. The band starts up and it could be Love Cats or Good Thing by Fine Young Cannibals. For most of the song, Nomakhosi is solidly impressive, unlike Jai who relies far too much on her shrilly affected Winehouseisms. It’s all very civilized until Nomakhosi improvises a showy final note that doesn’t impress Jai at all. Marvin says “I feel like a thorn between two roses right now,” and I can certainly see a prick. Kylie picks Jai, predictably, leaving Will to steal Nomakhosi. “Give him a hug, give him a hug,” chants Marvin, like the world’s most aggressive matchmaker. <br /><br />Back to Team Ricky now, and Emily is tired of serving brown soup to pensioners, so she’s thrilled to be yelling Aguilera’s Fighter at Kelsey-Beth. Ricky gives them a pep talk, that seems to have been engineered primarily to show off his neat new haircut in some half-decent lighting. Kelsey-Beth sounds far too mannered, with no gravel or anger in her voice, whereas Emily fares much better with the vocals but struggles on the performance. Their hopeless sparring looks like the kind of rumble that happens in soft-porn movies about female prisoners. Kelsey-Beth admits she went a little numb during the performance, as did my ears. The judges try a variety of ways of saying Kelsey-Beth sucked, and it’s clear that Ricky agrees. As rivulets of tears work grooves into Kelsey-Beth’s makeup, Tom helpfully observes, “She’s crying.” Kylie’s the only one able to steal at this point, but hasn’t forgotten how Kelsey-Beth ignored her “I’ve been in a soap opera too,” pitch. <br /><br />Celestine and Mairead are singing a song by Jessie J, to remind us of Tom’s favourite former judge. All that’s missing is Mrs Danvers, to tell us all about Miss Jessie’s multi-octave range. For some reason, they’re both wearing the kind of outfits I usually see outside my local Baptist church on a Sunday lunchtime, and I’m beginning to regret watching this in HD. They both sound awful, and I resent anyone making me miss Jessie J, in any context. It’s hard to tell whether the audience is waving in approval, or trying to signal the attention of emergency services. “That was so brilliant” says Mairead, having at least been spared the indignities of listening to it. Tom picks Celestine, leaving the audience to chant “Steal, steal” as if we’re back in the Croydon riots. “We’re still going to be best friends, aren’t we?” a crushed Mairead asks Tom. “Yeah, yeah, of course,” he lies through his veneers. <br /><br />Over on Team Will, we’re reminded that Jessica is yet another Winehouse wannabe, and she’s intimidated by going up against Anna, the harp-playing pixie. Together they’re doing Green Day’s Good Riddance, and Jessica has added a keyboard to her repertoire, so she won’t be left twiddling her thumbs when her counterpart starts plucking away. Jessica’s vocal is screechy and tuneless, whereas Anna is cute and tuneful. That being said, the best part of the whole performance was the instrumental solo at the beginning. Anna laughs at Jessica’s desperation when the latter puts her leg up on the fence and points her groin at Ricky. Will picks Anna, leaving the constantly hysterical Jessica to cry on stage until Ricky steals her. It’s not pretty either – even Clare Danes would tell her it’s not a good luck. She weeps again backstage, telling us “I’ve been given a second chance once. Now I’ve been given a second chance again.” Technically, that’s a third chance, but I don’t think she’s in any fit state to take advice right now. Someone needs to get her a brown paper bag to breathe into. <br /><br />Finally, Ricky gives us Christina Marie and Nathan. Christina Marie gets a bit bitchy about her chunky duet partner when Ricky advises them to play up the intimacy on their song, whereas Nathan spouts a bunch of clichés about turning it up to 11. Ricky breaks the fourth wall and tells us “You’re in for a treat.” But I’ve just polished off a tub of Haagen Dazs, so I think his timing’s a little off. They’re both very good, but Nathan’s shouting like Meatloaf on a proctologist’s table. Thankfully, Christina Marie gets Ricky’s vote, leaving Nathan to think about regrowing that awful moustache.Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-78932096073754235112014-02-16T10:01:00.000+00:002014-02-16T10:01:20.469+00:00I'd Rather Go Deaf - The Voice, Week 6<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Time is running out on The Voice.
Not only for the judges, who’ve still got a number of performers to recruit for
their respective teams, but also for the viewers, who are looking at their EPGs
and thinking “Well, maybe Take Me Out isn’t so bad.” These are dark times
indeed.</div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Six weeks in and the
four judges have comfortably settled into their roles now. Will is still
grinning like he just grew a second dick, Kylie has extended her flirting to
inanimate objects (and it appears to be working), Tom still looks as confused
as a camel trying to understand shortwave radio frequencies, and Ricky’s
wondering why he didn’t try clear mascara sooner. “This is the hardest bit for
me,” moans Tom, but he could be trying to unscrew the lid off a jar of pickled
cabbage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Tonight’s first young
hopeful is Emily Adams, whose family run one of those hotels in Blackpool that
looks like the smoking lounge on a P&O ferry. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“There’s a lot of pressure for people my age to get their A-levels
and go off to uni. That’s not really what I want to do.” She’d rather pin her
hopes and dreams on an ineffective TV talent show instead – someone’s careers
advisor won’t be getting a Christmas card this year. She’s singing this year’s
go-to standard: I’d Rather Go Blind, and it’s a strong, if rather mannered
vocal performance. Ricky gets his first team-member of the night, and Will
finds a nice way of telling Emily she sounds like a fat old woman. He also
thinks that she needs to go to church, but given the severity of her perm, I’d
be calling into a hairdresser’s first. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Keen to “put his
favourite musical style on the map,” John Rafferty is a shapeless pile of man
who used to impersonate Garth Brooks when he was skinnier. Poor syntax means
it’s hard to tell whether he means when he was slim, or when Garth himself was
more svelte. To be honest, they’d both struggle to squeeze onto the Nemesis at
Alton Towers. He ambles out onto the stage as if he knows there’s a sniper in
the audience, and proceeds to perform a woefully pedestrian John Denver cover.
It’s a little better at the end, but in terms of star quality, he made Andrea
Begley sound like Whitney Houston. No-one turns, because they didn’t think he
lived the lyric. Then again, I’m not paying too much attention – I’m too distracted
by the tattoo in his arm that’s the size of a crop circle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Continuing the country
theme, here’s Talia Smith, who looks like Liz Jones without the aging effects
of misanthropy. She’s singing Hell on High Heels, which is also a fairly apt
description of the performance; the high notes are rough and the low notes are
worse. Ricky didn’t like the fact she sang in an accent, whereas I’m more put
off by the fact that she sang at all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Having dispensed with
the country theme, we’re now in Family Hour, as we see a bunch of genetically
linked pairings. Buheiji are a brother and sister duo, who mangle Dog Days Are
Over and disappear almost as quickly as they appeared. Leanne and Natalie are a
pair of sisters who look like they were booked for Sun, Sex and Suspicious
Parents, but wandered into the wrong production office. We only see about ten
seconds of their performance, but it’s enough to know why no-one turned. Their
Dad’s a big Tom Jones fan, so they drag him all the way to the green room as
the audience sit and twiddle their fingers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The next family affair
is Shenton and Bizzi Dixon. Bizzi had a record contract, but “it didn’t go as well
as we all hoped,” he explains diplomatically. Shenton, on the other hand, does
a load of terrible impressions, none of which look or sound like the person
he’s supposed to be. They’re not performing as a pair; they’ll be going up as
individuals. Helping to facilitate peaceful family relations, Mum says “May the
best son win.” Shenton is up first and sounds like the kind of tribute act
you’ll see at a million company Christmas dos. You know the sort - throwing
down a couple of half-decent Kool and the Gang covers, before parking himself
by the vodka luge and making a move on the interns. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Shenton is upbeat and
implores Bizzi to do what he always does. But since the only thing we know he’s
able to do is fail, that doesn’t sound like total encouragement. He’s going to
close his eyes and give it his best shot, not realising that the term ‘blind
audition’ is supposed to refer to the judges being unable to see. His version
of Use Somebody is rougher than his brother’s performance, but Kylie and Tom
turn anyway. Tom wants to hear what else he can do, hoping that he’s saving ‘singing
in tune’ for the duels. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Nathan Amzi can do the
splits and has the least convincing moustache since Baldrick befriended a slug.
The vocal is under par, but Ricky’s got four spaces to fill so hits his button
anyway. Kiki deVille is a burlesque performer. She shows off her nipple tassels
to a bemused Marvin, who asks “Where do they go?” She offers an inconsequential
version of Paloma Faith’s Stone Cold Sober, with some very weird pronunciation and
a dress that looks like Joshua Allen Harris’ bin-bag sculptures. With the
judges playing it hard to get, she screams the last note to win Will’s support.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Callum Crowley is
described by him mother as “very theatrical,” and we all know what that means.
Having rolled his eyes and pursed his lips, he comes out in a beanie and a pair
of ridiculous glasses that would make Joe 90 think twice. His voice is a nasal
falsetto and the song is unlistenably shrill. Nonetheless, three judges turn,
leaving Tom gurning like he’s forgotten how the button works. “You know all
about sexy,” Callum says to Kylie, unconvincingly. Will wants to fine-tune his
areas, and Ricky hopes he’s a Kaiser Chiefs fan. To be honest, he’s more likely
to pick Ricky for the volumised eyelashes. “I’m all about the commercialised
pop music,” he admits, then throws a curve ball by picking Will instead of
Kylie. “We’ve waited so long for this,” says his mum, as if she’s talking about
finally getting the spare room back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The next pair are a
couple of stage school graduates, who are whinging about the fact that they
studied alongside Pixie Lott, Adele and Katy B. Marc William performs Whole
Lotta Love in an outfit that makes me want to turn my back to the TV. The
shirt’s bad enough, but sandals, in February? Bitch, please.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tom tells him he has an incredible
voice, and Will implores him to sing as if he was planning an outfit. On the
strength of tonight’s ensemble, that’s the worst possible advice. Paul Raj is a
nice looking lad, with strange Irn Bru-coloured hair. He’s got too much of an
echo effect on his microphone, and his vocal is a tuneless falsetto. Still, at
least he’s answered his own question about why his classmates hit the big-time
instead of him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Amrick Channa was raised
as a Sikh, but loves “going out clubbing with friends and blinging it up.” Looking
a little like Boy George, before he lost all that weight on the vegan diet, he
says “Yes I’m an Indian guy in a turban but don’t stereotype me.” I guess this
means he’d prefer us to think of him as a brash, vulgar prick. The less said
about his version of Pride (A Deeper Love), the better, although now I’ve got
the nickname Urethra Franklin stuck in my head. “Don’t worry son,” shouts his
emotionless mum when none of the judges turn. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Jazz Bates Chambers
loves nail varnish, and has one of those mums that tries to convince people
they’re sisters. She also has a fringe so severe that it probably needed
planning permission. Jazz is a pretty girl, although she’s wearing an unflattering
powder blue outfit that’s too high on the waist and too short on the leg. The
vocal is good, but way too affected, and bears no resemblance whatsoever to her
speaking voice. Her phrasing and diction is awful; it’s like listening to Fran
Drescher throw up into a milk bottle. Even so, Ricky turns because, well, time’s
running out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Amelia O’Connell has
some fetching Scouse brows and is the daughter of a Tom Jones tribute act. There’s
lots of talk about the surgery she had when she was seven, none of which has
anything to do with anything. And that, in a nutshell, is what’s wrong with The
Voice. It may talk the talk about being fresh and different, but it’s quite
willing to play all the same derivative, exploitative games as its fellow TV
talent shows. As for Amelia – her version of The First Time Ever I Saw Your
Face is far too melismatic, but three of the four judges turn anyway. Maybe it
sounded better through a well padded leather headrest. Tom tells her to focus
on her education and being on his team, while he’s busy focusing on counting
out his blood pressure pills. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-22897147184476262372014-02-09T11:45:00.000+00:002014-02-09T11:45:46.337+00:00Kylie's still Spinning Around - Week 5 of The Voice<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ58mipdIMI2AqaKfP5yyAoC4K4bdCwvjRCIngGz7b5CikBpbON65vKd8VmPnAmQ0o7cxA3o4qrmZ24gY6Y_9kxBYu9BzRpYWyZHNzC6r5PaTOqAcnixE_ed3s2INaEXBKC_LQqmdw3Ww/s1600/VOICE620_1907670a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ58mipdIMI2AqaKfP5yyAoC4K4bdCwvjRCIngGz7b5CikBpbON65vKd8VmPnAmQ0o7cxA3o4qrmZ24gY6Y_9kxBYu9BzRpYWyZHNzC6r5PaTOqAcnixE_ed3s2INaEXBKC_LQqmdw3Ww/s1600/VOICE620_1907670a.jpg" height="400" width="292" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It doesn’t take long
for sparkly newness to be replaced with flaccid familiarity, does it? We’re
less than six hours into this make-or-break series of The Voice, and already
I’m greeting it with a sense of tired resignation. The blind auditions are a
great concept, but five weeks in, I feel I’ve seen enough button pushing and
chair spinning to last a lifetime. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Tonight’s first
auditionee is Steven Alexander, whose Auntie Max was on the last series as one
half of a pair of overweight middle-aged women. They’re giving him loads of
advice, presumably on how to get quickly voted off the show. Steven’s
performance is as breathless as it is tuneless, but it’s enough to get Kylie
and Tom to turn. Tom doesn’t so much offer feedback, as talk through the last few
minutes of his life. Then, when Steven name-checks his Auntie, Tom’s eyes widen
like he just sat on a proctologist’s ice-cold speculum. In the end, Steven
picks Kylie because, well, he looks like he knows all the words to Step Back In
Time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Fiona Kelly gives us
an extended skit about cheating on her husband with a horse. It’s supposed to
be a cute and daffy portrayal of a middle-aged woman, but I’ve seen enough
grainy VHS in my life to envisage a far more grim scenario. As for performing
in the studio, Fiona wants to “Grab it with both hands and make one of those
chairs turn,” although I think she might struggle with the mechanics. Her voice
is thinner than one of Kate Moss’ shits, and she sings in a weird semi-
operatic style. That would be bad enough, but paired with Gary Barlow’s insipid
Rule The World, it’s downright wretched. None of the judges turn, so we’re
forced to listen to them as they take it in turns to patronise her. Ricky tells
her he could lead her down a very dark path, and she gets momentarily excited –
sounds like Bob the packhorse might have some competition after all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Chris Royal is Toadfish
off Neighbours in a bobble hat. “I’m not working no more,” he tells us,
explaining that he moved to Walthamstow from Manchester to pursue his dreams. He
does a slow, mournful version of Wake Me Up, but until the beat kicks in
halfway through, it’s more likely to trigger narcolopsy. The tuning is all over
the place, but several of the judges turn anyway. Kylie’s surprised: “You
seriously didn’t expect anyone to turn around?” which begs the question, why
the fuck did he show up in the first place? She offers to sit and go through
his record collection with him. Maybe it’s because he’s from Manchester, she
feels she needs to go the Tracy Barlow seduction route. Ricky compares The
Voice to a catapult (don’t ask) and Chris decides that the Kaiser frontman is
his best option: “Maybe he can pull something out of me that I don’t even know
is there.” I’m not sure, but he could be talking about a Guinea worm. Marvin’s
on hand to ask him whether it was worth packing up and moving to London,
oblivious to the fact that he had to come back up to Manchester for the fucking
audition. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The next two acts were
on last year’s show and are back for a second chance. Nick Dixon talks about
his heart pounding and hitting rock bottom – dramatic stuff for a man who
resembles a tarpaulin thrown over a pile of dumped tires. In fact, his
performance is pretty good; he’s singing Home Again and there’s a lovely tone
to his voice, but he projects zero charisma when he sings. None of the judges
turn for him, but they happily accept one of his business cards, that looks as
though it was printed in a batch of 100 for a fiver at a petrol station. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Elesha Paul Moses was
formerly part of a duet, and made it as far as the duels. She wants to
establish her own identity as a singer, but it would help if she could find the
right key. After the judges spend half her performance complaining that it’s
too low, she switches it up, and it doesn’t really help matters. As she stands
on the stage in her denim shirt and leggings, she looks less like a pop star,
and more like a company member in the touring production of Prisoner Cell Block
H The Musical. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Lucy Winter’s based in
Cyprus, where her husband is in the armed forces. Apparently she used to sing
in the Cypriot bars which helps to set our expectations suitably low. As it
happens, she’s surprisingly rocky with a nice throaty edge. She pushes her
voice without ever losing the melody, but it’s all a bit incongruous with her
image – like one of the Andrew Sisters in a cocktail dress and denim jacket. The
judges all thought she was trying to hard, but she takes it well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Max Murphy is a
full-time judo athlete, which has me picturing him trying to enjoy a drink down
the pub without punching someone in the neck. With his sturdy build and
monotonous voice, he’s a bit like a sentient tree, but he’s being cheered on by
his coaches Brian and Gary (think the Mitchell Brothers with mild head
injuries). His rendition of Electric Feel is like a volcano belching, but it
seems to work for Ricky. Kylie sees him, and hitches down the shoulder straps
of her top. Subtle work, Minogue. Ricky <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>explains “We’re gonna pick songs you want to sing,” making this
coaching lark sound like a piece of piss.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Joe Keegan has been
Irish dancing for more than half his life, and looks like he can’t wait to
escape his controlling Dad. As he makes his way to the stage, he manages to
look like Ant and Dec all at once, before squinting like Michael Sheen eating a
grapefruit. He starts out pretty weak, but he gets better in time to win a spin
from Kylie and Ricky. Kylie falls back on her slightly contrived seduction
technique, but things get confusing when she crosses streams and directs her
full force flirting at Ricky by mistake. At this rate it’s going to be like the
orgy at the end of Perfume. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There are confused
faces all round when it comes to our next act. The VT is designed to make us
think we’re getting another female singer, until the rug is pulled Crying
Game-style (without the cock shot, thank goodness) to reveal that our young
hopeful is James Byron. It’s unclear whether he identifies as transgendered –
he certainly dresses and acts like a woman, but answers to James and is
referred to as ‘he’ by his family. When he starts singing (very well, as it
happens) Tom’s asks his fellow mentors, “Is it a boy or a girl?” If he thinks
he’s confused now, they’ll have to up his dosage once he’s facing the stage. Will
turns just in time, and manages to recover from his initial shock by pretending
his wide-eyed reaction was because he thought his latest team member was called
James BOND. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As if to hammer home
the ‘appearances don’t matter’ message, we get a quick montage of pretty
singers who failed to make the grade, before finally moving onto one who
does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“This is about the voice,”
warns Sir Tom, “It’s not about the way you look,” he says, sneaking<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a peek down Kylie’s top. Here’s Jade
Mayjean Peters, wearing a dress slashed so high you can see her shoulder blade.
Looking like the dictionary definition of sophisticated, circa 1987, she’s here
to remind us that Gabriella Cilmi once happened. The judges all turn, and react
predictably to her leggy loveliness. The boys are all staring at her, like
she’s a large cartoon ham, and Kylie comments “You’re kind of like me, but
curvier.” Since Jade obviously left her mace in her handbag, she picks Kylie
just to be on the safe side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Because this is the
good old BBC, we have to end on an uplifting note. Femi Santiago tells a tragic
tale of homelessness and suicidal thoughts, before revealing that he’s now
happily married with a baby. He’s doing My Cherie Amour and he’s got probably
the most straightforwardly appealing singing voice and richest tone we’ve heard
all series. Although the last note wobbles, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will turns on it anyway. Meanwhile, Tom says he almost went
for his button, but he could well be talking about the medical alert one, in
case he has a nasty fall.</span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-79408167385199201452014-01-27T09:59:00.001+00:002014-01-27T09:59:09.094+00:00The Jump - Only The Ratings Will Plummet Faster<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVWhWLkdtMv1D8rkwL5ubMfImSkDZ17WjHOBqgicJwx-rCqFHYzDqyuS57ETd_AJMib2bohpm0yHiVVufEVLwGpdRgQDHKRS6lvgRZHfiAXbzBZeb9Dfpwtd8iGF9OZ4aygk57t7MXPVU/s1600/ad_1256092171.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVWhWLkdtMv1D8rkwL5ubMfImSkDZ17WjHOBqgicJwx-rCqFHYzDqyuS57ETd_AJMib2bohpm0yHiVVufEVLwGpdRgQDHKRS6lvgRZHfiAXbzBZeb9Dfpwtd8iGF9OZ4aygk57t7MXPVU/s1600/ad_1256092171.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This time last year, I was sitting on a
couch watching a parade of barely recognisable celebrities leap into the deep
end of a swimming pool. Twitter descended into a cacophony of comments about
how the show would be improved if it was recorded in a multi-storey car park,
rather than the Luton leisure lagoon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Well, someone at Channel 4 was obviously
paying attention, because they’ve found a way of upping the stakes. In the
process, they’ve even managed to trump Tom Daley’s show in terms of turgid
pointlessness. Which is why we now find ourselves watching a live link from
Innsbruck, as Davina McCall attempts to make small talk around the public
screening of some pre-recorded slalom footage. Gripping stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sorry, I must be all caught up in the
excitement, and I’m getting ahead of myself. Here’s how it’s going to work.
Twelve celebrities have spent several weeks training in a variety of winter
sports. They’ll compete in a different sport each day, without knowing how
they’ve done, and on the daily live show, they’ll see their results. The two
with the lowest scores will have to tackle one of three ski jumps, to see who
stays and who crashes out of the competition. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The appeal of the show seems to be
predicated on the public’s desire to see celebrities placed in mortal jeopardy.
Presumably, there a whiteboard somewhere in Endemol’s offices that still bears
the marker pen legends ‘Bobbing for Scythes’ and ‘Corn Thresher Trampolining’.
With Sochi 2014 tobogganing over the horizon, winter sports are enjoying an
uncharacteristically high profile, which is how viewers like me have found
themselves switching over from Dancing On Ice to this. But as much as The Jump
might be trying to get its celebrities trembling like a shitting dog, a one
kilometer downhill slalom is nowhere near as much fun as watching Bonnie
Langford in a headbanger. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aside from the triumphant return of Davina
McCall, who makes this presenting lark look as easy as tumbling down a ravine,
the rest of the show is decidedly low rent. Co-presenter Alex Brooker amazes,
if only for the fact that his agent’s phone continues to ring, and ‘resident
ski-jumping icon Eddie the Eagle Edwards’ is on hand to remind us how it felt
to be an international laughing stock. The Jamaican bobsled team has clearly
dodged a bullet here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The celebrities (I refuse to capitalise
that word) are assembled in their padded winter finery, which makes them look
like a sleeping bag sale in Millets, to watch how the boys performed in today’s
Giant Slalom. They’re all complaining about how sick they feel, but at least
they’re not sat at home trying to make sense of this shit. There’s a big deal
made about the three ski jumps that the two lowest scorers will be expected to
master, without ever actually acknowledging that people are only watching in the
hope of seeing bits of Amy Childs being power-hosed off the branches of a
Douglas fir. With no phone-in vote to worry about; a calamitous accident must
be the only reason Channel 4 decided to broadcast this live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Commentator Graham Bell talks us through
the Giant Slalom; apparently the most technical of all the alpine disciplines. “Legs
and lungs are screaming,” the guitars on the soundtrack are screaming, and I’m
pounding Panadol like it’s a bag of Haribo. “An awful lot can go wrong,” the
voiceover warns, as Denis Norden asks his carer to turn up the volume. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The first contestant tonight is Darren
Gough; England cricketer, Talk Sport presenter, Strictly winner and the face of
Costcutter. The producers are trying to ramp up the excitement on the bits that
no-one’s interested in, so every clip of the training has been shot to look as
thrilling as possible. Credit to them – they’ve managed to make an EasyJet
flight to Innsbruck looks like it was directed by Irwin Allen. Sadly, the
skiing comes without any risk to life or limb, and Darren scores an acceptable 47.74
seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Next up is Richie Neville. “You may know me
from the band 5ive,” he grins, oblivious to the fact that most people only know
him from The Big Reunion. For a non-skier, he’s committed to the training and
impressed the experts. “I’m gonna give this everything I’ve got – focus,
determination. Let’s see where we end up.” I can’t be the only one hoping for a
snow-blower to freewheel into shot. “Richie has thrown himself fully into his
training.” Unfortunately, he fails to throw himself into some fencing, and
comes in with a time of 54.79 seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Marcus Brigstocke, is struggling. Not so
much with the skiing – he’s quite posh so had plenty of experience on the
slopes. It’s being funny on the fly that seems to be giving some trouble.
There’s lots of talk of tightening up his turns as Marcus scores a respectable
44.75 seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Now we’re talking. If ever there was
someone we’d love to see on the business end of a ski pole, it’s fashion writer
and smug socialite Henry Conway. Looking like Roy Hattersley’s Spitting Image
puppet smeared in lipgloss, Conway growls “Come on my lovelies” all the way
down the course. I think that was an attempt to butch up his act, but it
sounded more like the Wicked Witch of the West. His score of 47.77 seconds
isn’t bad, but he confesses that he had his heart in his mouth all the way
down. I imagine that’s an entirely new organ for him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Five-time gold medal winner Steve Redgrave
really should be above all this, but like any retiree; there’s only so much
Sudoku a man can stand. He’s wowing the trainers by not falling over, then
takes off to his room to practice moving his hips. His slalom is very
impressive, and he’s tighter on the poles than UKIP, but I’m distracted by the
deafening clang of cowbells on his descent – like someone’s jammed a goat in a
tumble dryer. Steve ends on 39.30 seconds, which puts him in the lead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tonight’s final contestant is Nicky Clarke
– a genetic fusion of Christopher Dean and Lion-O. We’re told his services to
hairdressing saw him awarded “an OBE from the Queen” as opposed to the ones
they hand out at B&Q. According to the experts, “he’s a classic 1980s
skier” which goes perfectly with his stupid fucking hair. As he limbers up at
the top of the run, Graham wonders aloud “Which Nicky Clarke will we see
today?” Jesus, don’t tell me there’s two of the cunts. Happily, his pitiful
time of 53.21 seconds means he’ll be tackling the jump alongside Richie
Neville. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After some more excruciating banter-lite
with Alex Brooker, we get to see what happened when Darren attempted the jump
in rehearsal. And let me tell you – if you think this show is unwatchable, try
sitting through it with someone who once suffered a knee injury. We also get a
glimpse into tomorrow’s action, as the women tackle The Skeleton. It’s a
one-person toboggan thing that looks like a tea-tray – so Monday’s show is
going to be Last of the Summer Wine with collagen implants. After the quick VT
recap, Davina says “Sinitta, that was you, wasn’t it?” I don’t wish to appear
indelicate or insensitive, but when surrounded by a bunch of blonde women, the
So Macho singer isn’t exactly hard to spot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">After 55 minutes of build up, the finale is
a massive anti-climax. It’s less a ski jump; more like watching a sulky child
hop down off the naughty step. Richie scores 11 metres, which barely seems
longer than the length of his skis, and Nicky manages even less. Maybe some of
the other sports will prove a little more captivating, but for now, The Jump is
a stone-cold flop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283377721443306387.post-33496057920798556072014-01-26T11:02:00.001+00:002014-01-26T11:02:06.341+00:00Si grates, Ricky waits and Tom detonates - The Voice Week 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBr4JV5kRCUeqycgo6S8yfEPcGsp4HsQowyLsTI_8JP4QOgJ9veRg2dLESTy3abmXkL3d6fZcmvj4T0rRLbVVu4VU5RHxOY0kMVB7-dhHPFAWu6WMQor1KECQ6DXqEz2lWX00JuhgxGRo/s1600/5257412-low_res-the-voice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBr4JV5kRCUeqycgo6S8yfEPcGsp4HsQowyLsTI_8JP4QOgJ9veRg2dLESTy3abmXkL3d6fZcmvj4T0rRLbVVu4VU5RHxOY0kMVB7-dhHPFAWu6WMQor1KECQ6DXqEz2lWX00JuhgxGRo/s1600/5257412-low_res-the-voice.jpg" height="281" width="400" /></a></div>
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The ratings are in, and it seems as though
that ill-important reshuffle has had the desired effect. Viewers are flocking
back to the BBC, to see Kylie spinning around, and place their bets on when
Ricky Wilson started curling his eyelashes. Even Emma and Marvin seem to be
getting a little more confident in their presenting, making their way through
the studio doing a two part introduction:</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">“This corridor leads to these stairs.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“And these stairs lead to this stage.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">And this stage leads to public appearances
at the opening of a new Wilko’s. OK, maybe it still needs a little work. The
judges seem much happier too, especially Tom who speaks excitedly about Kylie:
“She’s a ball of fire, that one.” The word ‘fireball’ never having made it to
South Wales, apparently. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Tonight’s first auditionee is Andy Otley
from North Wales. He taught himself to play guitar so he could woo women with
Enrique Iglesias songs. He works in an estate agent’s office that’s full of
garish cartoon women. There are also some painted on the walls. For some reason
he’s ditched the guitar and decided to do Dance With Me Tonight. Since it’s
making me miss Olly Murs’ rich tone and warmly melodic voice, we can count that
as the criticism it so clearly is. “It’s a boy is it?” asks a befuddled Tom, who
was obviously still tuning in when the song began with “My name is Andy, nice
to meet you…” Ricky gives him some milquetoast feedback about why no-one turned,
and Will compares it to hitting an opossum with his car then deciding to put it
out of its misery. In the gallery, the producers are poking each other and
saying “Is he talking about us?” Once they find out he’s an estate agent, Andy
and Will enter into a weird kind of property-selling duel. I’m not sure what
we’re supposed to call this – a wank-off? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">After a bunch of pointless teasers in
search of a commercial break to book-end, we’re introduced to Iesher Haughton.
She’s from Walthamstow, and works in my local multiplex, so I’m already rooting
for her to fail. While her laminate-loving parents get carried away backstage,
she comes out and nails Who’s Loving You, like a cross between Alicia Keys and
Minnie Ripperton. She might work in the world’s worst cinema, but she’s
actually pretty likeable, particularly since she has that Leona Lewis quality
of disappearing once she’s finished singing. Tom loved the phrasing, because
he’s always happy when he can hear the words. Will turned round on the first
note, pretty much securing her fealty. And Kylie? Well, she thinks Iesher can
do anything. I’d like to see her painting a bannister-rail. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Paul Black is a Welsh tattooist who thinks that
rock music and body art go hand-in-hand. His interview is a depressing array of
tedious clichés, name-checking Ozzy and Iron Maiden, but it’s all part of an elaborate
double bluff. After an opening burst of guitar, he launches into a swing re-do
of Van Halen’s Jump. It’s better than it sounds, but this is the kind of
novelty trick that only works once, like pulling a dove out of a dinner jacket.
Will tells Paul that he’d like to come and see him gigging, but I doubt the R&B
polymath is ready for the delights of Merthyr Tydfil. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">This week’s contrived double audition is
all about relatives of famous singers, and stars Adele’s cousin Georgia, and Danny-from-McFly’s
sister Vicky. The latter, in particular, seems to have some serious
psychological issues about growing up in the shadow of a famous sibling.
Looking like a cross between Elvira Mistress of the Dark and Strawberry
Shortcake, she hollers Bed of Roses, as a coven of orange women cheer along
backstage. It was a pretty good vocal, securing Kylie and Tom’s vote. She picks
the Welsh wonder as her mentor, but as she strides victoriously out of the
studio, her exit is accompanied by McFly’s Five Colours In Her Hair. That’ll
fuck her right off when she watches this back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Georgia is also keen to be noticed for her
own talent, rather than her famous relative, so maybe she should avoid starting
every other sentence with “My cousin, Adele…” Just a thought. She’s doing a
bouncy but soulless version of ‘Hallelujah, I Love Him So’ – her voice is
pitchy and thin, and almost loses the melody completely on the high runs. The
judges all complement her on looking younger than her 27 years: “I know,
that’ll come in handy when I’m forty, won’t it?” she asks. “Yes it will,”
concurs Kylie’s waxy countenance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The producers have obviously realised that
there are only three blind audition shows left, and none of the teams are even
close to being half-assembled. So we start to see snippets of auditions, rather
than the whole thing. The first contestant to lose out on valuable screen-time,
is Celestine, who has a bit of a Grace Jones vibe, but doesn’t stand much of a
chance of progressing beyond the duels round. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Si Genaro is an infuriating 42 year-old who
seems to be channeling Billy Mack, and has confused talking incessantly with
actual entertainment. He wants to bring an end to war and conflict through his folk,
breakbeat, reggae music, and takes an overelaborate bow as soon as he gets on
stage. Dressed in trousers too big, and a T-shirt that’s too small, he runs
around the stage like an over-stimulated toddler, giving a rendition of Down
Under that’s tuneless, breathless and endless. No-one turns, which means that
the pressure’s still on the UN to solve the whole ‘world peace’ thing. He’s not
very good at listening to feedback, and the judges spend far too long humouring
someone for whom none of them actually turned. By the time he launches into a
self-composition called Chicken Train, all we can see is a wall of pained
smiles, like a Victorian photo shoot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">If last week’s show was all about Will’s
unwillingness to turn, tonight’s is focusing on the acts who think they’re on
Ricky’s wavelength. That means lots of acoustic guitars, strained vocals and
‘serious’ face. Nathan Kobierowski would be nice looking if he didn’t look like
he just fellated a nailgun, and John Rush does Bad Romance in a Chris Isaak
style, but it sounds more like a novelty record than a clever reinterpretation.
Jeff Anderson does a decent Axl Rose screech, but it’s incongruous with his
image – which is more mild-mannered marketing executive. Aside from shared
delusions of affinity with Ricky, they have all been busy stretching the neck
of their t-shirts (collarbones are the new black) but none of it impresses any
of the judges. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Finally, someone manages to connect with
the Kaiser frontman. Myles Evans is a trainee lawyer who was entered by his
sister. Oh stop it, don’t be disgusting. Anyway, his sister had cancer last year
and is emotionally blackmailing him into taking part. She seems far more feisty
and interesting, so I’m a little disappointed that she’s not the one performing
tonight. As the studio lights hit him, Emma does an audible ‘phwoar’ backstage
– he’s got cheekbones you could surrender in a knife amnesty. Ricky hears
something he likes and hits his button, giving Myles the kind of feeble wave
you might offer a previous one-night-stand if you saw them in ASDA. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The last act on tonight’s show is Leverne
Scott Roberts, who was in a girlband at 18, but got pregnant and moved to
Cheshire to have babies. She’s clearly here to confuse the Daily Mail – a
single mother with four kids, but lives in a £500k house. She seems to have
wrapped herself in a hot pink beach towel, and she’s clearly nervous since her
voice strains on the high notes. But she has a clean tone and nice musicality. The
band obviously love her, because they seem happier than she is when all four
judges turn. Tom commends her on not doing anything clever, which probably
would have been a complement back in the 1920s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ricky steals Kylie’s babysitter angle, whereas Will goes straight for
the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘You’re an angel who fell from
heaven.’ As yet another female singer chooses the Welsh lothario, Ricky
expresses concern that we need to diffuse Tom’s powerful sexbomb. I’d just
throw a wet tea towel over it and whack it with a temperance spoon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Garethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05469625961544610871noreply@blogger.com0