Better book the trestle tables from the local church, whip up a batch of sausage rolls, and learn the words to 'God Save The Queen' - there's a royal wedding coming. Who cares about the fact that the Monarchy is an outdated and grotesque institution; just think of the magnificent hats.
On April 29th, even the most avowed anti-royalists will be raising a glass of own-brand fizz to our future king and his bride. After all, it's not every year that we get an extra bank holiday.
It seems as though everyone is getting in on the excitement. Agnetha Fältskog has hinted (in rather oblique terms) that an ABBA reunion might be possible if the band was asked to attend the wedding. And one of Kate's friends has come up with a great hen party idea: shooting illegal immigrants in the East End. Unfortunately, Emma Sayle was cautioned by the police for making racist comments before she had a chance to invite Kate to join in.
Not to worry though, the young couple have plenty of other things to keep their minds off the nerve-wracking nuptials. William has been earmarked by hair loss brand Rogain as their ideal celebrity spokesperson. In a timely press release, they announced "We've been watching Prince William's growing bald spot closely for years, and we believe Rogaine can help…" If nothing else, that lucrative sponsorship deal could help pay for the big day. After all, it's not like they're having a registry office ceremony, followed by a Scotch egg at the local pub.
But if you find that you can't contain your excitement for the next four months, you could always book yourself on a walking tour of the 'William and Kate' love story. Sod the traditional tourist traps for just £15 you could traipse around the streets of the capital and visit such landmarks as Mahiki, where William once declared his reinstated bachelorhood when the couple split in 2007. Or how about the branch of Jigsaw on Dover Street, where Kate briefly worked as an accessories buyer? Failing that, there's the offices where Kate's great-grandfather used to work as a solicitor. Fascinating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.
Most of the other stops on the tour are more concerned with Charles and Diana. Even Camilla gets a mention or two along the way. Because, any way you slice it, the young couple simply haven't had the chance to accomplish that much in their short lives. Like Justin Bieber's recent 'autobiography', it's a little too soon to try and concoct a compelling narrative around a story that could almost be told in real time.
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