One hand in my pocket

Let's face it - no-one's particularly proud of their little moments of self-pollution. The moment a man finds himself with time on his hands, it's not too long before he's got something else in his hands. And then a few moments after that, a sense of shame and disappointment sets in.

Obviously, guilt about the sin of Onan is nothing new. Since the dawn of time, man has been spilling his seed and then berating himself for having such poor impulse control. I might even go so far as to suggest that the reason porn production values are so low, is to ensure that familiar sense of self-loathing after fifteen minutes of exposure. It's been designed to look bad, so there's no chance you'll feel good.

But it turns out that maybe it's not just a knee-jerk reaction to jerking, that leaves us feeling like we're lying in the mental equivalent of a damp patch. Let's not forget, after all, that we live in a world of ADD, SAD and OCD. There's nothing that can't be diagnosed.

So next time you find yourself working from home, before you draw the curtains for a few minutes of contemplation, be aware that you may be suffering from POIS (Post-Orgasmic Illness Syndrome). Seriously, it's a real thing. And it's leaving men feeling deflated and sickly after the event.

Dutch researchers have conducted an in-depth study (in a darkened room with a big pile of DVDs, presumably) into the phenomenon, in an attempt to understand why some men have developed a "mysterious flu-like illness after they have an ejaculation". And before you scoff, we're talking genuine symptoms, not just a clump of sticky tissues - feverishness, runny nose, extreme fatigue and burning eyes have all been noted.

Apparently, POIS has been well documented, and reports date back to 2002. Initially, physicians suggested that it was all psychosomatic, but the Dutch study has come to a more troubling conclusion. Many men are allergic to their own spooge.

Marcel Waldinger, sexual psychopharmacology professor at Utrecht University, led a study of 45 men who'd been diagnosed with POIS. 33 of them were subjected to a skin-prick test (settle down) using a diluted form of their own semen, and 29 of them showed a positive allergic reaction.

This all sounds extremely worrying for any man who occasionally enjoys quality time with himself. But there's a glimmer of hope. Waldinger has also developed a hyposensitization therapy on two of the subjects, finding that gradually increased exposure to their own man-fat significantly reduced their POIS symptoms.

Scientific post-rationalisation aside, only a male doctor could determine that the cure for a masturbation-related illness would be more wanking. But if nothing else, at least you've got a great excuse next time your other half catches you knocking one out. Just tell them "A grapple a day keeps the doctor away".