One step at a time...

You know, aside from all the hate speech, defamatory remarks and incitement to violence, it's still nice to know that those fundamentalist Christians are looking out for their gay brethren. You see, they don't hate the gays, just the things that those gays do.

And they're not here to judge or condemn - that's just a bonus, like a free-with-purchase gift. Their only goal, so they say, is to encourage us all to join them on the path the righteousness. They're even willing to draw up a handy twelve-step programme to help us on our way.

Taking their cue from Alcoholics Anonymous, the Catholic Diocese of Colorado Springs has created a new programme called 'Twelve Steps Of Courage'. According to Rev. Larry Brennan, “It’s not about therapy and not about activism, it’s about support.” Although, interestingly, he does point out that it's "not for people comfortable with their gay lifestyle". Far better that they target the weaker members of the herd.

The twelve steps themselves are rather predictable, equating homosexuality with insanity and calling for a moral inventory. Which is tough, given that most gays would struggle to keep track of how many pairs of shoes they own.

And why ask God to take care of our shortcomings, when there's a host of effective surgical procedures designed for just that reason? Likewise, there's no point asking him to remove our defects of character, when there are wardrobe malfunctions that are far more pressing. I once owned an electric blue, crushed velvet, Mandarin-collar jacket - it'll take more than a few Hail Marys to shift my guilt over that aberration. 

In the end, the only way any of these programmes can work is if the subject admits that they have a problem. And when put on the spot about their 'problem', I'm happy to speculate that most gays would focus on the five pounds they're struggling to shift, the ex that won't go away, or the 'dubstep' influence on Britney's big comeback. God's love may be deep, but we're perfectly happy wading in the shallows.