Monday, 31 January 2011

Crowning glory

Well, the wedding preparations are in full swing for the happy couple. The hen night venue's been booked (Bar 86 in Kensington, if you're interested), the wedding list has been prepared (donations to charity or a Breville sandwich toaster) and honeymoon locations are being scouted. Apparently, the Scilly Isles are a hot favourite, although not literally - this is England after all. 

So what are the rest of us to do in the run-up to William and Kate's big day? No doubt there'll be hours of breathless news coverage right up to the moment of conjugal penetration - perhaps Jennie Bond can come out of retirement to talk us through that bit - but even 24/7 reportage is unlikely to satiate our hunger for Royal tittle-tattle.

At times like these, faced with the mundanity of our own drab little lives, we should be thankful for the makers of souvenir memorabilia. That quintessentially British habit of marking any momentous occasion with a celebratory piece of cheaply-printed flatware.

But although plate-makers are currently rubbing their hands together at the prospect of the forthcoming nuptials, other canny industries are also looking for a piece of the hot royal action. Between now and the 29th April, we're going to buried under a tsunami of unwanted ephemera, bearing the happy couple's long-faced likenesses. Cups, flags, banners, bunting, T-shirts, hats - you name it, someone's making it.

Perhaps the most surprising addition to the ever-expanding line-up of commemorative tat, is a new range of 'Crown Jewels' condoms. For just £5.00, you can vicariously participate in the Royal deflowering with a "triumvirate of regal prophylactics". You can't eat a sandwich off them, but just think of the stories you could tell the grandkids.

The official website declares that the 'boƮte de capotes' combines "the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be" and "includes a collectable portrait of the Royal Couple as they might appear on their wedding day" although, hopefully, not on their wedding night.

Since you can't ever have innovation without outrage, Ingrid Seward, editor of Majesty Magazine, has criticised the condoms as "completely tasteless and rather hurtful". Was she was hoping they'd be ribbed and flavoured for her pleasure?

Before you get too excited, it's worth pointing out the website's disclaimer: "Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs." So they look the part, but are largely useless. On second thoughts, maybe they're an effective reminder of the happy couple after all.

No comments:

Post a Comment