Friday, 7 January 2011

The devil in the details

On the lookout for gift ideas this Christmas, I found myself fondly remembering the Innovations catalogue. A prominent feature on everyone's doormat, this bulky little magazine featured all kinds of wonderous inventions designed to make modern life a little more tolerable.

Despite its bold claims of 'innovation', most of the products on offer were either staggeringly surreal or needlessly niche. But they were described in breathless terms, as though readers might literally die without a crocheted scarf to keep their boiled egg warm.

Although the Innovations catalogue is now a footnote in the long and varied history of dust-gathering knick-knacks, its spirit is still alive and well. That's the only explanation I can find for fashion designer Andrew Christian's curious new creation - The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief.

Taking their cue from the Wonderbra, Christian's new padded pants give men a little extra lift in their luggage: "Guys want underwear that looks natural, feels great and makes them feel confident." The thing is, there's nothing natural-looking about this built-in bulge.

Rather than just stuffing the seams with some artfully arranged padding, Christian has created a "soft hidden cup, sculpted into a penis shape". Just not a very realistic one.

So throw away those rolled up sports socks. If you want people's gaze to be drawn groin-wards, there's no need to stuff anything down the front of your jocks. The only drawback is that once you've attracted someone with your prominent pubis, you may have some explaining to do once the clothes start hitting the floor.

Enhancing your bulge is one thing, but wearing an unconvincing prosthetic cock is inexcusable. It may add up to two inches to your "frontal measurement", but it's a pretense that holds little water under close scrutiny. After all, nobody likes unwrapping a Christmas present to find an empty package inside.


  1. OMG how hilarious. Now, having said (ridiculed) that, I will admit to owning a pair of "Butt4U" padded butt underwear. They sent them to me hoping I'd plug them on my blog, which I did (hey, wait a minute. How many pairs of fake-cock pants are they sending you, anyway?).

    Since modeling them on my video blog, I'll admit to wearing them once or twice since, when at some damn gay thing when I wanted, you know, to feel more confident. To have a little junk all up in my trunk. My lover is mortified I kept them at all, but that's another posted comment altogether.


  2. Saw them covered on D:Listed and figured they warranted a special mention! Sadly I have insufficient influence for anyone to send me any freebies. Still, I live in hope...