Anyone who thought that Jade had finally been laid to rest has another think coming. It emerged this week that plans are afoot to turn her bizarre life into a musical, and the search is on to find an actress with the self-loathing, lack of dignity and pure desperation to play the Primark Princess. It seems that the astonishing success of The Full Monty, We Will Rock You and Calendar Girls have shown that people will pay £60 to watch any old shit as long as it's familiar. So now we can look forward to two hours of toe-tapping genius depicting a clueless dental nurse with a one-armed lesbian for a mother, who goes on a game show, goes on another game show, opens a shop, goes on another game show, makes half the world angry and then dies. It's like Evita, without all the arm waving.
There's no word yet whether songs will be composed especially for the musical, or if the producers will just take familiar pop songs and repurpose them to suit the narrative. I imagine that, to keep costs down (because this doesn't exactly feel like a sure thing), they'll plump for the latter. I'm just not sure there are too many popular songs out there that describe the emotional trauma of discovering a verucca on your finger, showing off your 'kebab', or expressing disgust as your partner wanks up your leg.
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