Don't give up so easily

I feel a little cruel, attacking the Daily Mail when its defenses are so clearly weakened. Because even its own writers seem to be losing faith in its 'write anything as long as it fills space' credo, especially where celebrities are concerned.

The latest revelation is that Help-The-Aged volunteer and part-time actress Catherine Zeta-Jones is 'desperate' to play Susan Boyle in a biopic of her life. This, despite the fact that Susan's story so far consists of 47 years of nothing, marching onto a stage and singing a song, having her eyebrows plucked, and sitting back as 100 million people watch a clip on YouTube. It's not quite Lawrence of Arabia is it?

Unable to resist adding another ostrich egg to this already over-stuffed pudding of a story, the Mail continues by stating that "It is believed that... director James Cameron has expressed an interest in a similar project." James Cameron, who has spent the last 14 years developing a 3D movie about 10-foot tall CGI aliens, is interested in the non-story of a Scottish spinster who likes Elaine Paige.

Surely, no-one with slightest trace of journalistic integrity would ever consider fabricating a dream of such cheese-before-bedtime proportions? The clues are in the words which pepper every paragraph of this laughable litany of lies. 'Apparently', 'said to be' and 'it is believed' all make a worrying appearance here. All courtesy of a 'source' at Britain's Got Talent.

And that's where it all starts going wrong for the Mail. They talk about Susan saying "she has been dubbed the hairy angel", forgetting that they were the ones who coined this unappealing nickname. The final ignominy is that the only fact that appears in the article manages to negate the entire piece. "Miss Zeta-Jones's publicist in the U.S. said there were currently no plans for her to play Miss Boyle."

Still, if nothing else, the article gives us yet another opportunity to marvel at the skills of their in-house photo-shop department.