For almost forty years, Donnie Osmond has been an ever-grinning vision of antiseptic niceness and extensive orthodontic work. Together with his brothers, and later with his sister Marie, Donnie did it all - records, concerts, broadway, chat shows and reality TV. Somehow he even found the time to regularly cross the Atlantic for some hopelessly uncomfortable flirting with an endless parade of female chat-show presenters. To this day, he's still responsible for the only expression that wasn't an inscrutible frown to cross Fiona Phillips' face.
But despite being more 'middle-of-the-road' than a crash-safety barrier, Donnie is currently in the news for a rather unsavoury reason.
Thanks to a new BBC show called Bizarre ER (proof that we will watch absolutely anything), the internet is currently abuzz with the news that clean-cut Donnie may pose a viable threat to your vaginal integrity.
To be fair to Donnie, he wasn't present at the time of the incident, but the rolled-up poster that was inserted into the unnamed woman's Mormon-munching mimsy did bear his toothy likeness.
Apparently the patient had been rushed to hospital complaining of pain 'down there', only for surprised medical professionals to fish out a poster of Donnie in all his big-haired seventies glory.
Who knows what was going through this poor woman's mind? Perhaps she was having a clear-out but couldn't be bothered driving to Staples to buy a shredder. Or maybe the Daily Mail's regular scare stories about the 'recycling Nazis' left her clueless as to how to dispose of glossy colour-prints.
Donnie may reach the parts that other teen-idols can't reach, but it just goes to show that masturbation isn't always the safest form of sex.
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