The music never dies

Moldova next, with a spinning electro-fiddle mullet extravaganza. Those are words you don't often see together. The lead singer has very special eye makeup, like she was peeking through someone's letterbox while they were spray-painting their door. They're all dancing like it's happy hour in the local gay bar, throwing the kind of moves not seen since Boyzone first debuted on the Late Late Show.

Here comes Cyprus, represented by a young Welsh man with a very hairy belly - I know because he lifted his shirt (not like that) to show a crudely scribbled message dedicated to his mum. Bless. It's a very soft rock ballad, but pleasant in an inoffensive sort of way. If you heard it in a dentist's waiting room, you wouldn't walk out.

Bosnia now, complete with a strobe lighting warning. The singer isn't very good at 'doing' anger - his forehead is strangely frozen, like he treated himself to a blast of botox before he went on stage. I've already forgotten it and it hasn't even finished yet. The backing singers look like they've got a progressive dinner party to get to.

Belgium must be cutting costs this year, with a man and a guitar. Singing about a man and a guitar. Don't go looking for subtext - this is Eurovision after all. Or did you think that Boom-Bang-A-Bang-Bang was about the Vietnam war. Oh, his trousers don't seem to fit - maybe he's got a job interview after this. Hope he gets it.

Serbia is rocking an awful haircut that wouldn't even be tolerated in Balamory. This is what headaches sound like. Thank God that's over.

It's time for Butterflies from Belarus. We just got a peek backstage and saw up close how much make-up the lead singer is wearing. I guess it's a he, but it's a close call. The women have really odd hair, like the applied their hairspray just as someone tested out the wind machine. Wow, butterfly wings and a key change - this is where the magic happens.

Niamh Kavanagh is back where she belongs, spilling out her dress for Ireland. From some angles she looks as though she's wearing stilts, or maybe it's just the worst-fitting outfit ever seen in HD. At least Ireland are taking it seriously for once - this beats Dustin the turkey puppet from a couple of years ago. If she crams any more key changes into this song, only dogs will be able to hear the ending.