Nul points

I'd like to say that the Eurovision Song Contest is the TV highlight of the year, and that it's all anyone's been talking about for the last eight weeks. But that would be a lie.

As the nation points its apathetic indifference at the gogglebox, we wait to see what sonic joys the Norwegians have in store for us tonight. The bookies' favourite is apparently Azerbaijan, but I'm not sure whether that's because of the song or the fact that a mis-spelled betting slip will be null and void if the punter wins. They'll be quids in.

According to Graham Norton's voiceover, 120 million people are watching right now, although they're probably also scouring pots, tidying the sock drawer and painting the architraves. Anything to distract them from the tuneless screaming, surreal choreography and awkward presenter links.

Alexander Rybak has just reprised his song from last year, complete with fiddle and a troop of chaotic dancers. He looked like a happy little goblin up there, but the song was memorably forgettable. We've got 25 songs to get through, so bite down hard on something and brace yourself for a spectacular of feverish cheese-dream proportions.

Let's kick off with Azerbaijan and their song Drip Drop. The singer looks like Dannii Minogue (original version with her first nose). The vocals are strong but flat, and there are some pretty blue outfits to distract from the random ballet dancer who's just appeared looking like an Italian waiter. Someone just turned on the wind machines - hang on to your false eye-lashes love.

Spain are up next, with a singer who looks like Sideshow Bob in a cheap suit. If you fell asleep on a carousel in a cheap fairground, this might be the music you'd hear as you slipped into REM state. The dancers are dressed like hideous dolls - I'm just waiting for Chucky to arrive and kill them all. A second singer has just arrived - maybe his bus was running late. Punctuality is very important when you're representing your country.

Here comes our host nation, Norway. Hope they haven't put too much effort in, given how much it's cost them to stage this one. Didrik Solli-Tangen is singing about sunsets behind mountains - epic. He's rather handsome in a Hollyoaks sort of way, but the song sounds like something Josh Groban would cough up after a night on the beers. He looks a little pleased with himself, even though his voice is wobbling like Beth Ditto on a treadmill. Key change and lighting effects, but no goosebumps. Maybe I'm dead from the neck down.