Lock the doors and burn the place down

Say 'hello' to Sisqo, who managed to shift six million copies of his debut album off the back of a really annoying novelty record. Who's next for the house, Bob the Builder, Mr Blobby? He's come through the double doors and launched into a live performance of The Thong Song, which sounds as annoying today as it did back in 2000. That's timeless entertainment for you. He's looking forward to seeing some beautiful ladies - I do wish rappers would learn to assert their heterosexuality a little more. But then again, perhaps he needs to after lisping "I'm a little taller when I thtand on my wallet."

Here's another notch on Jordan's bedpost (which by now has been whittled down to a toothpick) - Dane Bowers. She looms over this series like a pair of mahogany zeppelins. Perhaps Dwight, Gareth and Peter are waiting behind the double doors? He's also working on a cage-fighting movie, so he and Alex will have lots to talk about. He's also denied their New Year scuffle, suggesting that Jordan is still happy to phone the papers and say any old shit in the hopes of scoring another cover story.

If you put Pete Burns and Chrissie Hynde into a blender, then scraped the pulp onto a slice of granary toast, you'd have Heidi Fleiss. She's a Hollywood madam who, according to Davina, worked in the "illegal prostitute business" (as opposed to the legal alternative?) and now works with a another bunch of dogs in Nevada. The word 'grim' seems somehow insufficient. She has sparkly cowboy boots. Stephen Baldwin greeted her with "It's been a long time" giving us more insight into his life BC.