Wednesday, 2 December 2009

They've been putting a Tiger in their tank

It's been almost a week now since the stories of Tiger Woods' extra-curricular activities first hit the headlines. Since then, the papers have been filled with a series of shocking revelations about a man so dull that he wouldn't know a scandal if he hit it with a sand wedge.

He's spent the last thirteen years grinning all the way to the bank, thanks to a host of tediously unimaginative but spectacularly lucrative sponsorship deals, not to mention a staggering haul of competition prizes. Having got his career as a professional sportsman off to a spectacular start, he hit a slump in the middle of the decade. But thanks to a
swing adjustment, he was soon back on form. But now it sounds as though he's been adjusting his swing again, this time in the direction of some comely wenches.

The National Enquirer was the first to break the story, alleging Tiger had been pitching in the rough with nightclub manager
Rachel Uchitel‎. Predictably, the golfing gossip-vacuum claimed that there was nothing in the stories, stating "the many false, unfounded, and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible".

Then something really weird happened - Tiger crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant outside his house and was rushed to hospital with facial lacerations. As the world waited on
tenterhooks to find out whether Tiger would ever drive again (see, golfing puns are the gifts that keep on giving), it emerged that his panicked wife had 'rescued' her injured husband. However, when it emerged that she'd done so by smashing her way through the Cadillac Escalade with a pair of golf clubs, eyebrows were raised in suspicion.

It didn't take an overly active imagination to picture Mrs Woods confronting the grin-happy golfer with the Enquirer's revelations, then chasing him out of the house brandishing his most precious clubs. Distracted by the screaming banshee running down the driveway, Tiger smashes into the fire hydrant, only for his
scorned woman to start attacking the back of the car. Police arrive, calmness descends and lips seal. Move over Columbo, taxi for Poirot.

But then the plot thickened again today, as it emerged that a
cocktail waitress has been having a long-running affair with the prodigious putter. According to Jaimee Grubbs he's been playing in her bunker for over two years now, and who could blame him? She's the classy looking one in the picture below.

Just kidding -she's the skank on the left, who looks like she'd cut you if you looked at her funny. Don't panic - I said 'funny'.

There are concerns that some of Tiger's lucrative sponsorship deals could be in jeopardy if it turns out he's been rinsing his balls elsewhere. But I can't imagine why. Eldrick Tont Woods (is it any wonder he prefers Tiger?) is so resolutely uncontroversial, it makes a pleasant change to see him in the news for something more interesting than the pleat in his chinos.

Boris Becker's broom-cupboard baby, and Andre Agassi's crystal-meth abuse, it seems that scandal is all the rage in the sporting world. Maybe, if we all wish really hard, the next 'sports personality of the year award' might even go to someone with a personality. 

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