And so it begins again...

Hello, good evening and welcome. Thanks for coming back again. I thought it was important to cover tonight's show otherwise the job would only be half done.

Looks like the pyrotechnic team are using Dermot's introduction to practice, and someone seems to have left the dramatic backing music playing while he's trying to get the studio audience all wound up. Dermot's promising "world class surprises" - which can cover a multitude of sins. Speaking of which, Cheryl's wearing a long gown loving crafted from a murder of crows.

The X-Factor final twelve are back - they're looking fresh faced. I jest of course - it's a kiddy choir, because Louis needs someone to be mean about. Miss Frank are sounding good, although the rest are a bit nondescript. Jedward are using the whole show's autotune allowance, and they keep rocking up on their toes, as though they're being goosed from behind. Louis, stop that.

Boring recap of all of last night's "action" - they do have two hours to fill after all. Joe headbutts the wall and says "I just sung with George Michael - does it get any better?" Skin up and meet him in the dressing room if you really want the answer to that. Well, that's the first fifteen minutes done, wonder what other pleasures await...