Is that a stump in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

Whichever way you plan on voting next month, you can at least take some solace in the fact that the three main parties seem to be running on sanity-based platforms.

Sadly, mental health doesn't seem to be quite so important for people pursuing political careers across the pond.

Last week, Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, played host to The Awakening, a two day conference for ultra-right-wing activists. Unsurprisingly, it didn't seem to take them long to get around to their favourite topic - the gays.

On the agenda for the conference was the proposed ENDA bill, which aims to prohibit discrimination against employees on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. Now, you don't exactly need a haemophiliac heart to recognise that eliminating discrimination is a positive step forward, but the Freedom Federation sees things differently.

In a session entitled 'The LGBT Agenda', Andrea Lafferty of the Traditional Values Coalition, managed to keep a straight face whilst proclaiming that ENDA would protect people with stump fetishes who want to molest injured war veterans.

No, seriously.

Describing a scenario that would give David Cronenberg and the Farrelly brothers nightmares, Lafferty argued "You can be aroused by stumps of amputees. And we brought that up during the hate crimes thing because what if you have an employee working at the VA and someone has just come back from Iraq and they have this orientation. You can't fire them. What about the family that's upset that they've been aroused by their family member? It's disgusting. And it's tragic for the victim. Um, men that want to rub their bodies up and down women. That's on the list, that might become a protected class."

All absolute bullshit, but then, you didn't really need me to point that out did you?

So how do they get away with the kind of foaming-at-the-mouth insanity that would have made them prime candidates for electro-shock therapy forty years ago? It's all part of twisting the truth (AKA lying through your teeth) to avoid sounding like the bigot that you are.

Andrea's group is desperate to maintain the illusion that outlawing discrimination would open a sexual hellmouth of biblical proportions - trapping innocent children in the classroom with drag queen teachers, and forcing employees "to work alongside individuals with bizarre sex fetishes." But since the facts don't actually back up any of their claims, they decided to make up their own.

By erroneously repurposing the term 'sexual orientation' to include the 30 sexual paraphilias identified by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they are alleging that ENDA will normalise “all of these philias and fetishes and isms".

In fact, the APA only recognises three orientations - homo, hetero and bi. And they're the ones covered by the ENDA bill.

"Fecal matter. Their involvement with fecal matter." Oh Christ, she's still running through her entirely fictional list... "Or urine. Transvestism. The list goes on, I'm not naming all of them. Children. Animals. And so we really need to draw a line in the sand."

I'm not entirely au fais with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but I'm curious to know whether there's a name for the pathological obsession with aberrant sexual behaviour. If so, Lafferty may come to wish that she was protected by ENDA after all.

Oh Mandy

If the name Mandy Smith has you scrabbling for the Wikipedia shortcut, let me help you out. At the age of fourteen, the fame-hungry starlet and her sister started hitting the London nightclubs in search of glamour, notoriety, and someone who could buy their vodka and cokes.

It was at one of these clubs that Mandy met Rolling Stone bass-player Bill Wyman. The two dated for four years, eventually marrying when Mandy turned 18. Thanks to her tabloid notoriety, she soon found herself modelling and even tried her hand at pop-stardom.

No strangers to flash-in-the-pan celebrity (having worked with more flavours-of-the-month than the Covent Garden Soup Company), Stock, Aitken and Waterman found a few old demos down the back of their couch and decided to loan Mandy their already overworked Calrec Soundfield Microphone. The singles barely scraped into the charts, and the album did even worse, meaning that her music career was over almost as soon as it had begun.

Her relationship didn't fare too much better - Rolling Stones and monogamy are like nature and vaccuums. It probably didn't help matters that Mandy's mother started seeing Wyman's son, making for the kind of tangled family situation that even Stephen Hawking would have trouble figuring out. Sometimes I picture Mandy, standing sobbing outside Clinton Cards on Mother's Day, not knowing where to begin.

Mandy and Bill went their separate ways in 1991, only for her to enter into another ill-fated marriage two years later with Belgian footballer Pat Van Den Hauwe. Fifteen years have passed since that relationship hit the crossbar, and now Mandy's happily settled in Manchester, where she runs a PR company with her sister.

So why is Mandy on my mind today? It could be that I'm excited about the imminent arrival of her lovingly remastered CD (available to order here), but it's probably because she's done a big interview with the Mail today, reflecting on her years with Wyman.

Mandy became a born-again Christian several years ago, and puts her past experience to good use by counseling young women. But I'm not sure she's quite got the hang of it. The passage of time has clearly affected Mandy's memory: "I wanted a better life, but I saw that in terms of getting a job, a house, a husband. [Girls today] want to be Jordan. They dream about being with footballers and rock stars." Does Mandy even remember what her two husbands did for a living?

It's a classic case of 'Do as I say, not as I do' - Mandy says "I don't think most 16-year-olds are ready [for sex]. I think the age of consent should be raised to 18 at a minimum, and some girls aren't even ready then. I know, I know. People will find that odd, coming from me."

I think what's really odd, is the fact that Mandy's revisionist sense of history places a little too much emphasis on sex, and disregards all her other troublingly precocious behaviour.

Mandy may believe in retrospect that she wasn't ready for sex at 16, but she was ready to dress up as someone twice her age, lie her way into nightclubs, drink vodka and smoke. How much adult behaviour can one person indulge in before they start being treated as an adult?

Mayor apparent

It's political correctness gone mad I tell you. These days, an elected official can't even post offensive remarks on facebook without those bleeding-heart liberals getting their organic cotton, ethically-sourced knickers in a twist.

Poor old Sue Mills, Mayor of Torrington in Devon, made a perfectly innocent joke about illegal immigrants in her corner of the social networking site, only for easily upset constituents to complain.

As a consequence, Sue has had to issue a formal apology, expressing her deep regret: "I accept the comments on my page were out of character and never intended to cause offence. It was intended as a bit of fun and not designed to upset anyone. As soon as I realised that the comments might upset some people I removed them."

Well, you can't say fairer than that. Except that maybe you can.

The thing is, the comments she'd made had already upset people, so the damage was done. And she took them down because she was worried about losing her job, not to spare the sensitivities of the local population.

So what exactly did she say to cause such a kerfuffle? Her original facebook post read "Illegal immigrants are like sperm - millions of them come in but only one works." I'm sure Frankie Boyle is feverishly scribbling notes for his next tour.

But hang on a minute - if you're going to make a racially inappropriate comment on the internet, shouldn't you at least make sure that it makes sense first.

For a start, there's the issue of the sperm analogy. Presumably, Sue has never heard of dizygotic twins. These occur when a pair of eggs are fertilised at the same time by two different sperm cells, creating twin zygotes which then implant themselves in the uterine wall.

And what about the incisive commentary she's making about the immigration issue - a major discussion point in last night's pre-election debate? The problem is, illegal immigrants do work. They work without the necessary permits, usually for irresponsible employers who are looking to exploit their desperation, pay under minimum wage and dodge any National Insurance contributions.

Sue argues that the comment was "out of character", but she's made no effort to portray any other kind of character, besides the ignorant, bingo-winged shithead that her facebook profile portrays.

Too harsh? Not to worry - I apologise for any offence caused by my comments, which were, of course, made "as a bit of fun".

Time for a little 'Bayhem'

For the last ten years, TV fans have been blaming the popularity of Big Brother for the never-ending succession of reality shows, coming at the expense of more established programme genres. Writers and actors are missing out, and increasingly the TV schedules are filled with hour-long shows depicting minor celebrities learning how to grout tiles or manually masturbate farm animals.

Hoping to bridge the gap is Michael Bay, who's taking time out from his busy schedule of 'blowing shit up' to develop an exciting new reality TV concept that will see contestants compete against each other in extreme conditions and hostile enviornments. This 'game with no rules' is described as a cross between Survivor, The Mole and The Amazing Race.

In this mash-up of previously flogged concepts, One Way Out will show "just how far people will go when they are stripped of their bare necessities and forced to do whatever it takes to survive."

Bay's spokesmonkeys have claimed that the show will "remain true to the filmmaker's signature style" meaning that it will be overlong, incoherent and featuring more sweaty, exposed flesh than the inside of one of ASDA's rotisserie ovens.

Interestingly, this new TV concept is being billed as 'Bay's first foray into unscripted TV', although based on his past form he's proved himself more than capable of working without any kind of a script. Don't forget, this is the man who gave the world clanging Transformer testicles.

As much as we might scoff at Bay's bold claims, there will be many people who'll be welcoming his promise of "unique twists, death-defying challenges and stunning visuals". Looks like the producers of Pineapple Dance Studios and Muslim Driving School may need to raise their game.

Au naturel?

Move over Jean D'Arc. Shift your keister Emmeline Pankhurst. There's a new symbol of female empowerment in town, and she's taking no prisoners.

In the last few years she may have seemed about as stable as a wobbly bar stool, but Britney Jean Spears is finally back in control. She's cleaned up her act and decided to do something nobody ever expected. Besides singing live, of course.

When it was first revealed that Britney was going to be advertising a new range of Candies clothing for Kohl's department stores, preliminary artwork for the campaign was released to showcase the expensive-looking photography involved. But commentators were more interested in how much Photoshop had been employed, given that Britney looked about as realistic as Heidi Montag.

However, nobody was expecting Britney herself to decide to release the un-retouched photography alongside the actual campaign images. Despite a career built on artifice and image over content, Britney is apparently concerned about "the pressure exerted on women to look perfect" and wanted to show that she's "proud of her body - imperfections and all."

It's a bold gesture, albeit one that was probably easier for Britney to make given the fact that the original images were pretty complimentary. Sure, her legs are a little chunkier, her waist a little broader, and there are some unattractive bruises on her thigh. But given the fact that she's wearing an unforgiving hot pink swimsuit and heels, she's still got plenty to be confident about.

The idea of Britney striking a blow for female empowerment is a troubling one. If we're going to willingly accept this brave new world, maybe we also need to reappraise Britney's previous misadventures. Perhaps she's been sending out positive messages all along?

When she shaved her head, it was a gesture of sisterhood for women with alopecia. Those mimed concert appearances - an exposure of the artifice of the recording industry. And when she attacked that photographer's car with an umbrella she was making a statement about the impending threat of climate change.

The other explanation is that she was sitting in Supercuts, waiting to have her weave re-glued, and decided to flick through the new Marie Claire. Incensed by Jessica Simpson's unretouched, make-up-free cover image, she vowed not to be outdone by a pretender to her throne.

Whatever her motivation, it's clear that Britney wants a fresh start. And the fact that she made this decision indicates that she's running her own career, rather than relying on an ambulance chasing 'manager'. Looks like our girl is now a woman.

Revenge of the nerds

When Apple first introduced the Apps store back in July 2008, no-one had any idea just how influential it would become. In fact, industrious developers and tech-hungry users have joined forces to turn this gimmicky notion into a multi-billion dollar industry.

The apps themselves vary in quality, from the absolutely ingenious to the bewilderingly pointless. Does anyone really need a virtual carp pond, pretend pint or a fart-o-meter?

Thankfully, many of the widgets that have been developed over the last couple of years do more than simply provide users with an amusing way of checking that their phone's accelerometer is still working. You can check local traffic cameras, get real-time Tube updates or even track down your phone if it goes missing.

Back when mobile phones were the size of a shoe-box, the closest technology came to helping people locate their missing valuables was a voice-activated key fob that beeped when you whistled for it. Nowadays, it's a very different story.

This fourth-year computer sciences student put one of these apps to the test recently when his flat in Acton was burgled. In a fairly lengthy post on his brand new blog, he details how he was able to lock his phone, track down his stolen goods and get the police involved.

Using WaveSecure, plus Google Maps and Street View, he found out that his missing technology was being sold in a shop on the High Street just half a mile away. The stolen goods were successfully recovered (although they're still in police custody) and his inaugural post scored him over a million new readers.

In a display of ingenuity and real-time crime solving that would have the cast of 24 hanging up their electrodes in shame, our industrious hero was able to disable the threat in less time than it would take Chloe to chew her lip and triangulate Jack's phone signal. As a result, he'll soon be reunited with his purloined particulars and has ably demonstrated that these applications can actually be put to productive use.

It's just a shame that, even as this story was breaking about Street View helping to solve a crime, the innovative location software was being fingered by a somewhat less-informed source in another theft. Gordon Rayner, a milkman from West Yorkshire, has been telling the press that his mountain bike was stolen because Google's widget enabled would-be thieves to peer inside his garage.

It doesn't seem to matter that even the most eagle-eyed web-watcher would only be able to identify an old washing machine inside his garage. Or the fact that imagery on the site is at least six months old - Rayner seems to think that Street View works like full-colour CCTV.

Still, if West Yorkshire police need any help investigating this particular theft, there's a ComSci student in Acton who might be able to give them some pointers...

Putting it all behind her

And it was all going so well...

Jennifer Lopez had only recently been talking to the press about her 'vocal graduation', telling Access Hollywood that she had a new confidence in her singing skills. She felt particularly proud of the fact that she had sung an old Barbra Streisand song called 'My Man' for her man, husband Marc Anthony, and reduced him to tears in the process.

Beaming with pride, she claimed "I sang a song for Mark's 40th birthday... I was like, 'I can't believe I'm trying to sing a Barbra Streisand song, this is insane!' but I sang it and it was almost like I graduated. I sang it and he had tears in his eyes and we were both like, 'what was that?' and I was like, 'finally, I am a singer, this is what I do!'"

You might scoff at J-Lo's claims of disbelief and tears, until you consider the evidence that recently emerged, courtesy of some pissed-off sound engineers. Tired of La Lopez's diva antics, an irritated studio employee has apparently leaked a recording of the multi-hyphenate laying down some sounds for her forthcoming comeback album.

Biting her thumb at the naysayers, the Latino lovely has gamely taken on one of pop musics biggest targets - Enough Is Enough. Originally recorded in 1979, this epic duet between Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand made Alien vs Predator look like a mild playground scuffle, and featured two of the world's biggest voices, going at it hammer and tongs.

It's not so much a case of the song 'being too big for her' (critique appears courtesy of American Idol) - more the fact that she simply can't sing. At one point in the excruciating recording, the Bronx-born beauty laughs and apologises that the notes she hit were painful for her too. If only she knew how much.

According to the NY Daily News, this audio leak couldn't have come at a worse time, with an unnamed source (aren't they always?) claiming “People are saying that Jennifer is past her prime and her best work is behind her.” With an ass that was rumoured to be insured for $1 billion, it's safe to say that all of Jennifer's highpoints are behind her.

At least Jen can always count on the gays' support, even if all her other fans develop a debilitating case of tinitus. She told The Advocate this month that gays make the best audience ever: "You guys enjoy the music, you get into it, and you’re not afraid to let go and express yourself. That’s what I want from an audience. I recently did a show where the crowd was just standing there, staring at me with their camera phones up, YouTubing me or whatever the heck they do now. I was like, ‘This is crazy! I need vibe!’ I’d so much rather have you guys jumping up and down, waving your arms in the air.”

Chances are, all those people 'YouTubing her or whatever' were actually hoping to score some footage for 'Funny Or Die'. She might also want to check whether those guys in the audience were genuinely waving or simply begging her to stop.

Know thine enemies

It looks like the Vatican is going to need to do a little more than issue a glowing review of the new Harry Potter movie or compile a list of the best rock albums of the last 50 years, if it wants to remain popular.

Pope Benedict XVI is currently under fire for his dubious role in blocking the defrocking of a US priest accused of molesting children in his care. According to a 1985 letter that Benedict signed when he was still Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the Vatican advised the bishop overseeing the case "to consider the Universal Church" before deciding to sack Father Stephen Kiesle.

Outspoken opponents of organised religion, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, are currently investigating the possibility of a legal ambush when the Pope arrives in the UK in September. Their plan is to charge the paedophile-protecting Pontiff with 'crimes against humanity' for his part, and are consulting with lawyers about initiating criminal proceedings.

As two of Britain's most recognisable atheists, Dawkins and Hitchens have their fair share of critics too. But they're not the only controversial figures gunning for the guy in the big hat.

An unusual cartoon character was recently stenciled onto a billboard in Malta announcing the Pope's imminent arrival on the island, with the local press assuming it was some kind of panda. However, eagle-eyed websperts were quick to point out that the illustrated figure was actually Pedobear.

This dodgy little ursine icon is used as visual shorthand for "You're being creepy about children" when users on imageboard websites like 4chan start to show a preference for underage imagery. Although no-one knows who originally designed the anthropomorphic kiddie-diddler, he's turned into something of an internet legend.

Since his first appearance, Pedobear has popped up on YouTube, and even been misinterpreted by Polish news sources as one of the Vancouver Winter Olympics' official mascots. Online jokers also campaigned for Pedobear in a recent competition to find pop jailbait Miley Cyrus' number one fan - winning with over 15,000 votes.

Dawkins and Hitchens are certainly well-intentioned in their legal battle to keep the spotlight firmly trained on the church's systematic abuse of children in its care. But since they're known primarily for their religion-rattling viewpoints, it will be easy for defenders of the faith to argue that they're simply drumming up publicity for the atheist cause.

Could it be that a crudely drawn cartoon bear might ultimately offer a more impactful critique on the Catholicism's abuses than two of our biggest brains?

Momma don't preach

Pop culture critics are rubbing their hands together with glee at the news that Madonna is concerned about her teenage daughter's mature dress sense. Although she's only 13, Lourdes has a wise-beyond-her-years sense of fashion, so much so that she and her BFF mum have co-designed a new clothing range.

The Material Girl collection includes “jeans, shoes, fingerless gloves, necklaces and other accessories” and was inspired by Lourdes' passion for fashion. Given that Madonna now describes her own sense of style 'boring' she's happy to turn the design work over to her mini-Madge.

According to the yoga-loving Queen of Pop, young Lourdes was even a 'dresser for the dancers' on her last two tours. It's a lot of pressure for someone who still wears braces on her teeth, but she seems to like it that way.

Despite her happiness to indulge her daughter's artistic instinct, Madonna did admit “If anything, I wish she’d dress more conservatively. How’s that for irony?” Actually, it's not ironic at all. Madonna doesn't want Lourdes dressing too far beyond her years - which is perfectly understandable.

Missing the point completely, a number of commentators have been happy to shoot Madonna down for her double standards, pointing out "It is a bit hypocritical. After all, Madonna was barely 20 when she posed for her first nude photos, and she’s made a career out of pushing buttons." However, there's a big difference between a 20-year-old exploring her sexuality, and a 13-year-old exploring the dressing-up box.

Nonetheless, this is seen as 'the chickens coming home to roost' for a woman who has inspired several generations of young women to express themselves through fashion, music and dance. Madonna may have made some mistakes in her past, but she's smart enough to recognise that and make sure her daughter learns from them too.

In fact, the biggest worry about this whole story is the idea that fingerless gloves and leatherette bangles might yet make a comeback. Those who forget the fashions of the past are condemned to repeat them.

Comedy reaches Boyling point

In between making the classic Blazing Saddles and the slightly less auspicious Dracula: Dead And Loving It, Mel Brooks once defined his art by saying "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." In his mind, comedy is all the bad things that happen to other people.

So it's a shame that comedy fan Sharon Smith didn't brush up on some of Mel Brooks before going to see Frankie Boyle in concert at Reading's Hexagon theatre. It's also unfortunate that she thought front row tickets might be a good idea for a comedian known for tearing strips off his audience.

Sharon's experiences have been thoroughly documented in the nation's press, since she wrote a lengthy blog post to describe her upset over what happened when Frankie started joking about Down's syndrome children. You see, Sharon's daughter Tanzie has Down's syndrome, so she and her husband Keiron found themselves squirming uncomfortably as Frankie made his characteristically controversial comments.

To make matters worse, Frankie saw the couple talking through his set and put them on the spot, leading Sharon to take the comedian to task for his insensitive comments. According to Sharon's blog, Frankie derided the unhappy couple saying "This is my last tour. I don't give a fuck what people think."

Unfortunately, since much of Frankie's act seemed to be ad-libbed, it's hard to know exactly what was said. Sharon's account seems to suggest that much of Frankie's tirade was aimed more at the parents of Down's syndrome children than the kids themselves. Either way, the couple got what they paid for - edgy comedy that isn't aimed at the easily offended.

By their own admission, the Hampshire couple went in knowing what to expect: "One of the reasons that we wanted to see Frankie Boyle was that we have seen him on shows like Mock the Week and have loved his humour, how dry he is, how nasty he is, how clever he is. We wanted to see him out of the confines of a TV editing suite, to hear him say things he could not get away with on mainstream TV."

The problem is, they're happy laughing at 'nasty humour' that goes beyond what's deemed conventionally acceptable, just as long as they're not the ones in the firing line. Frankie may well have made a bunch of crass and offensive comments (no-one really knows since the show wasn't recorded) but that's his act. It's a little disingenuous to laugh along with the jokes at everyone else's expense, only to become indignant when you suddenly find yourself on the receiving end.

Comedians like Boyle and Jimmy Carr have carved a niche for themselves by tackling issues that people are uncomfortable with. It's not always pleasant, and sometimes it's downright offensive, but it provokes discussion and encourages people to think about where our societal taboos come from.

The other alternative would be a world full of Russ Abbotts and Joe Pasquales. And even Frankie Boyle would have trouble finding humour in a nightmare scenario like that.