There's no 'me' in mea culpa

So, that's the midterms out of the way then. Not so good for the Democratic party, but then again, midterms are never easy. And at least the tea-partiers didn't notch up too many seats. 

Nonetheless, Obama will be drowning his sorrows today, and perhaps even wondering how his predecessors dealt with the disappointment. But it's important that he not lose too much of that hope that he talked up on his route to the White House. Because as underwhelming as his first couple of years have been, he's still not quite the flaming-schoolbus-full-of-screaming-orphans level of disaster that George W Bush was. 

Although, it's funny - the rest of the world might remember Dubya as the worst president the world has ever known, but his own reflections on his time in Washington are decidedly more favourable. 

This week W was interviewed by Matt Lauer in order to plug his forthcoming book 'Decision Points', and he finally admitted the lowest point of his eight years in office. Despite having 96 months of gaffes, cock-ups and blunders to choose from, Bush cited Kanye West's post-Katrina attack on him as the nadir of his presidency. 

So not the illegal war on Iraq. Or the deception around the weapons of mass destruction. Or giving his tacit approval to torture as an interrogation technique. Or declaring 'Mission: Accomplished' about seven years too early. Or promising to leave 'No Child Behind', then doing precisely that for an entire generation. Or turning his back on the Kyoto Protocol. Or choosing not to get his hands dirty in New Orleans. Or blocking stem cell research. Or approving wiretapping tactics. Or giving all those lucrative reconstruction contracts to his friends at Halliburton. 

When it comes to reflecting on his presidency, George Bush's darkest memory is of the moment that he felt like Taylor Swift, standing in the spotlight as Kanye West shot his mouth off.  

Cast your mind back to the moment when Mike Myers rocked uncomfortably on his heels during the 2005 Concert for Hurricane Relief, as Kanye declared that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

1,836 people may have lost their lives in the hurricane and the floods which followed, and $81 billion of damage was caused. But it's George who's still bearing the scars: “Five years later I can barely write those words without feeling disgust... the suggestion that I was racist because of the response to Katrina represented an all-time low.”

Doesn't your heart just bleed? 

Schock tactics

Cast your mind back to GCSE English (or O-Levels if you're of a 'certain age') - remember the oxymoron? It refers to the a pairing of two contradictory words that have no business being together, like 'bittersweet' or 'living dead'. More recently however, another oxymoron has slipped into common parlance - hot politician.

There was a time when you knew where you stood with your elected representatives. They were either stern, matronly women who looked like they could whack you with a temperance spoon at a moment's notice, or curmudgeonly patricians, with eyebrows could keep a topiarist in gainful employment for the foreseeable future.

Not anymore. Now we've got people like the Miliband brothers who, whilst unlikely to trouble the naked issue of Cosmopolitan anytime soon, are decidedly more attractive than most of the people you've seen interrogated by Jeremy Paxman. Even Nick Clegg has been known to arouse a few trousers in his time.

Over in the States it's even more confusing, with Huffington Post recently naming their 'Hottest Congressional Freshmen' - a bipartisan investigation into the loin-lifting lawmakers of DC. The winner of the poll, proving that even the left-leaning HuffPo has to occasionally admit the the Republicans get something right, was 27-year old Aaron Schock from Illinois - the first member of the U.S. Congress to be born in the 1980s.

If you like your political news coverage to be stuffed with eye-candy, you really need to get out more. But you should also be thankful for young Aaron - who looks like he should be trading fish eyes for immunity on a Potomac edition of Survivor, rather than debating abortion in Congress.

Unfortunately, Aaron may have the body of an Adonis, but he has the soul of Jesse Helms. They say beauty's only skin deep, and Aaron's aesthetic barely scratches the epidermis. He's resolutely opposed to any kind of progressive or inclusive social policy, and has managed to win the favour of many 'old school' conservatives on Capitol Hill.

But it's not all work-work-work for the pretty politico - one of the biggest issues he's currently facing is the accessibility of the House members' gym which he attempts to visit every day. Little wonder, then, that a photo of him in a clingy pair of wet swim shorts managed to cause something of an internet meltdown when it appeared on TMZ.

It's important that he keep in shape - after all, he's now the only one of his siblings not married with children. And as he points out: "I had a group of five or six guys, and we hung out and traveled—ski trips and stuff. They slowly got picked off—married, married, married." Shame.

Maybe Aaron's simply too busy focusing on his career to settle down. Or perhaps he hasn't met the right girl yet. Just as long as no-one suggests that he might be one of the boyz.

Over the weekend, Gawker posted a lovely picture of Schock at a White House picnic that caused a flurry of speculation. Maybe it was the fuscia checked shirt. Or could it have been the jaunty teal belt? Either way, Aaron didn't just look gay, he was so flaming that even Red Adair would have had trouble putting him out.

Not to worry - Aaron dealt with the lazy speculation the way anyone with nothing to hide might react. He burned the offending accessory and tweeted the news, just to be sure.



Way to go Congressman. I'm sure no-one suspects a thing...

Britain, let's take a look at your best bits

Well, the time has come. After weeks and weeks of tedious analysis and more inarticulate vox-pops that you could shake a junior researcher at, the election is finally here.

According to the experts, this one is really too close to call. David Cameron's probably slightly ahead, but Nick Clegg surprised everyone in the televised debates by being more than just the nice bloke in the middle. Occasionally, his repeated 'I'm not like the other guys' mantra started to sound like he was going to burst into a rendition of Thriller, but on the whole he equipped himself surprisingly well.

Gordon Brown stalked around the country like an angry thundercloud, with fists clenched and a smile of sorts, that hung permanently at half-mast. That left David Cameron to try and convince the world that the Conservatives are the only ones we can trust to look after education, the environment and the NHS. Which is a bit like recruiting a nanny from the sex offenders register.

There's little more that any of them can to to persuade those stubbornly non-committal floating voters. So it's now in the hands of the gods, and Simon Cowell, to tell us which box to cross.

As the unofficial barometer of public preference, Cowell has written exclusively in The Sun that Cameron is, like Obi-Wan Kenobi before him, our only hope: "David Cameron is the prime minister Britain needs at this time. He has the substance and the stomach to navigate us through difficult times."

Cowell has clearly been scrutinising the candidates' policies very closely in order to fully inform his decision: "I have always trusted my gut instinct - and this was a guy who I thought would do the right things for this country." This is the same gut instinct that gave the world Eoghan Quigg.

Although he's careful not to criticise Gordon Brown too much (Gillian Duffy took care of that), he pulls no punches when it comes to Clegg. Ironically, the man whose influence is directly responsible for turning this election into the X-Factor with colour-coded neckties, argues "We are not talent show judges picking pretty-sounding contestants now. The future government of our country is so much more important than that."

Simon Cowell has an uncanny knack for manipulating the will of the British people. If his preferred act is off to an early lead, he savages them in order to encourage the fans to vote. If they're falling behind he uses tactical praise to pick off the weaker contestants. But every once in a while, he misreads public sentiment.

Sites like 'votefortheworst' function solely to irritate Simon, creating communities of fans who'll vote for the underdog on any talent show just to piss him off. It'll be interesting to see whether Cowell's decision to back a favourite triggers a similar backlash.

Now, go exercise your democratic right...

Mayor apparent

It's political correctness gone mad I tell you. These days, an elected official can't even post offensive remarks on facebook without those bleeding-heart liberals getting their organic cotton, ethically-sourced knickers in a twist.

Poor old Sue Mills, Mayor of Torrington in Devon, made a perfectly innocent joke about illegal immigrants in her corner of the social networking site, only for easily upset constituents to complain.

As a consequence, Sue has had to issue a formal apology, expressing her deep regret: "I accept the comments on my page were out of character and never intended to cause offence. It was intended as a bit of fun and not designed to upset anyone. As soon as I realised that the comments might upset some people I removed them."

Well, you can't say fairer than that. Except that maybe you can.

The thing is, the comments she'd made had already upset people, so the damage was done. And she took them down because she was worried about losing her job, not to spare the sensitivities of the local population.

So what exactly did she say to cause such a kerfuffle? Her original facebook post read "Illegal immigrants are like sperm - millions of them come in but only one works." I'm sure Frankie Boyle is feverishly scribbling notes for his next tour.

But hang on a minute - if you're going to make a racially inappropriate comment on the internet, shouldn't you at least make sure that it makes sense first.

For a start, there's the issue of the sperm analogy. Presumably, Sue has never heard of dizygotic twins. These occur when a pair of eggs are fertilised at the same time by two different sperm cells, creating twin zygotes which then implant themselves in the uterine wall.

And what about the incisive commentary she's making about the immigration issue - a major discussion point in last night's pre-election debate? The problem is, illegal immigrants do work. They work without the necessary permits, usually for irresponsible employers who are looking to exploit their desperation, pay under minimum wage and dodge any National Insurance contributions.

Sue argues that the comment was "out of character", but she's made no effort to portray any other kind of character, besides the ignorant, bingo-winged shithead that her facebook profile portrays.

Too harsh? Not to worry - I apologise for any offence caused by my comments, which were, of course, made "as a bit of fun".

The gender agenda

With 'jobs for the boys' thankfully becoming a thing of the past, most businesses are embracing comprehensive diversity programmes to ensure that their workforce is representative of the wider populace. Public sector organisations especially understand the need to reflect the communities they serve.

David Cameron, the quintessential sheep in wolves' clothing, has announced that he intends to impose all-women shortlists in certain constituencies at the next General Election to ensure that female candidates are able to stand. With only 19 women MPs out of 195, it's clear that the Conservatives have some work to do if they're to convince the voters of Britain that they're a party of the people. But as the old saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Showing a customary lack of respect for the sacrifices made by her forebears, Anne Widdecombe was one of the first to speak out, labeling Cameron's decision as "an insult to women". Given how willing Anne has always been to sabotage other women's rights, I guess she would be the expert.

Also voicing his dissatisfaction today, was Tory commentator Iain Dale who described the move as "fundamentally unconservative". Following a depressingly predictable line of logic, he asked "Where it will all lead? All-black shortlists? All-gay shortlists? All-disabled shortlists? All-Muslim shortlists? Not in my name." Or anyone else's you ridiculous relic.

Cameron's idea is both bold and commendable. It's also smart, since he knows full well that he'll get plenty of progressive coverage for taking a step in the right direction, safe in the knowledge that his party faithful will make sure that it never happens.

But the really depressing element of this whole story is how complicit the press has always been in maintaining the gender imbalance, through its sexist journalistic traits. Whether they're referring to 'Blair's Babes' or 'Cameron's Cuties', women are constantly being reduced to the role of decorative adornments rather than fully functioning politicians. And yes, I appreciate that may in itself be a contradiction in terms.