Show me the money (shot)

One of the most fascinating insights to come out of David Fincher's The Social Network, was the organic way that Facebook's functionality sprung directly from creator Mark Zuckerberg's own personal needs. Of course, Zuckerberg never intended to transform the way we use the internet, he just wanted to keep a beady on the relationship status of prospective girlfriends.

With over half a billion users around the world, Facebook is now the default social network for most of us, allowing us to catch-up with friends, manage imaginary livestock and explain potentially offensive internet memes to well-intentioned but naive parents. However, the area where Facebook has really come into its own, is in turning even the most well-balanced and stable people into potential stalkers.

Gone are the days when you needed a four-page spread in Vanity Fair to qualify for an army of obsessive fans - now all it takes is a regularly updated wall and an accessible photo library. Thanks to recent additions to the site's functionality, we can even keep our obsessive followers up-to-date on our exact whereabouts. Because this brave new world of stalkerdom depends on the implicit cooperation of the subject.

As nice as it may feel to have dedicated followers, we all have to draw the line somewhere. And besides, Facebook's restrictions on photo content means that we're only allowed to expose the minutiae of our lives, rather than that unfortunately positioned appendectomy scar. But all that's about to change, and we don't necessarily get a say in the matter.

Remember the good old days when a search for pictures of our favourite celebrities would return a goldmine of unconvincing nude fakes? We've all seen them - famous heads crudely photoshopped onto the bodies of anonymous porn stars. With little concern for scale or perspective, most of the images managed to make the world's sexiest people look like they were suffering from hydrocephalus.

Well, good news everybody. Now, you no longer need a functioning grasp of image manipulation software to picture that girl from accounts in flagrante. Just grab a profile pic from her Facebook profile and let FalseFlesh do the rest.

According to the official website, "In most cases only a few millimeters of fabric separates you from an amazing but previously unobtainable image. FalseFlesh can elegantly eliminate clothing from any photograph and provide you with natural looking nude flesh." Is it just me or is 'natural looking nude flesh' the least erotic proposition you've ever heard? Somewhere, Hannibal Lecter is rooting around in his pantry for the fava beans.

If you're wondering how it works, you probably need to talk through your issues with a counsellor. But just in case your interest is purely academic, "The software not only gives you the option to accurately fit included nude bodies on any head, but also allows you to really see under some types of clothing! This works on non cotton bathing suits by filtering out gamma/infrared rays of light and allows for the visual enhancement of breasts and nipples creating a see through effect. Imagine being able to copy/paste pictures from Facebook or MySpace of girls you actually know into FalseFlesh." Well, it'll have to do until Amazon restocks those night-vision binoculars.

Unfortunately, even fantasies have their shortcomings, so you'll be pleased to know that "FalseFlesh also allows you to modify other physical attributes of the subject such as clothing style and even body type." That means that guys with a breast fixation can reward their imaginary girlfriends with tits that would give Dwayne Johnson backache. And any Gok Wannabes can treat the women in their lives to a more flattering ensemble.

If you're not already thinking about deactivating your Facebook account, take a look at the stories submitted by satisfied customers: “The really cool thing that I liked about FalseFlesh was that you can either let the software instantly make some cute girl that you know naked or actually take time to customize it. For example I wanted to make this girl who works with me have bigger breasts than she actually did and also give her a lot more pubic hair than she actually probably really has.” Surely it's just a matter of time before some some canny programmer invents a 'restraining order' app for the iPhone.

Here come the girls

When the first Sex and the City movie came out, the movie industry was left scratching its head about how they didn't see this one coming. Here was a movie aimed at women, based on a TV-show, about a fickle footwear-fetishist dithering over whether or not to get married, and it made over $400 million dollars at the global box office.

After a performance like that, it's safe to say that expectations for the sequel are higher than the heels on one of Sarah Jessica Parker's ridiculous shoes. The buzz has been building for months, with the film being pitched as ideal counter-programming for World Cup widows, and gays with nothing better to do for a couple of hours.

The movie's trailer gave audiences a pretty comprehensive peek into what the movie has to offer - lots of female bonding over pink drinks, Carrie and her pals dressing like a group of clowns who charge by the hour, and a whole lot of camel toe. I'm not being disgusting there, they actually go to Dubai and ride camels.

Well, the movie might be set in Dubai but it was filmed in Morocco, which was a little more welcoming to a film about four sexually promiscuous Cosmo-quaffers. Put off by the UAE's somewhat conservative views on women and alcohol consumption, director Michael Patrick King thought that the North African country would be a more workable location, sensitively describing it as "Muslim light".

Not that we should expect a thorough examination of the role of women in contemporary Muslim culture from a film in which Carrie describes the girls' Middle-Eastern jaunt as being "just like Jasmine [the Disney princess from Aladdin] but with cocktails." Judging by the sneak peaks released so far, Sex and the City 2 looks set to make Carry On Up The Khyber seem like the height of anthropological veracity.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh here. After all, this is a film about sex, shopping and slingbacks. Audiences will be far more interested in seeing how extreme the fab foursome's outfits can get without one of them being sectioned. There's a reason why the film's costume budget has been rumoured to be as much as $10 million.

More importantly, the real question on fans' minds is whether or not Carrie will succumb to hunky carpenter Aiden's charms and cheat on husband Mr. Big. The trailer tries hard to give nothing away, but eagle-eyed viewers have noticed that there are other clues pointing towards Carrie's penchant for infidelity.

Carrie's ever-present Macbook is as central to her character as a closet full of Manolos. OK, I never said this was deep. And from the pilot episode, right through to the last movie, we've always seen our heroine sitting in the window, tapping out her thoughts in the glow of little white Apple. But not anymore.



She's done the dirty on her beloved laptop, and picked up an HP instead. Which I'm sure has everything to do with consistent character development, and nothing to do with the fact the PC giant signed a massive product placement deal with the film's producers.

Even the Guardian has weighed in on this important subject, with Zoe Williams arguing that "Macs were invented for [people like Carrie], people without IT support, with no skills or office training, with very little likelihood of ever accruing any knowledge or expertise, with no backbone or basic housekeeping procedures."

More importantly, the Macbook is the Louis Vuitton holdall of the computer world. Depicting Carrie working on a generic laptop is like expecting her to go swinging down the street in a pair of Hi-Tec trainers, with a Lidl carrier bag over her arm.

This is one franchise that owes Mac a little loyalty. After all, it must have taken a whole warehouse full of them to muster the necessary computing power needed to generate the poster artwork for the new sequel.

Testament to the power of Photoshop, the posters have been rightly slated for making the girls look about as realistic as Jessica Rabbit. In particular, Kim Catrall is completely unrecognisable, almost as though she's undergone an experimental facial treatment using a PedEgg and a bottle of Tipp-Ex.

So much for the female empowerment and sisterhood that the series always prided itself on.

Au naturel?

Move over Jean D'Arc. Shift your keister Emmeline Pankhurst. There's a new symbol of female empowerment in town, and she's taking no prisoners.

In the last few years she may have seemed about as stable as a wobbly bar stool, but Britney Jean Spears is finally back in control. She's cleaned up her act and decided to do something nobody ever expected. Besides singing live, of course.

When it was first revealed that Britney was going to be advertising a new range of Candies clothing for Kohl's department stores, preliminary artwork for the campaign was released to showcase the expensive-looking photography involved. But commentators were more interested in how much Photoshop had been employed, given that Britney looked about as realistic as Heidi Montag.

However, nobody was expecting Britney herself to decide to release the un-retouched photography alongside the actual campaign images. Despite a career built on artifice and image over content, Britney is apparently concerned about "the pressure exerted on women to look perfect" and wanted to show that she's "proud of her body - imperfections and all."

It's a bold gesture, albeit one that was probably easier for Britney to make given the fact that the original images were pretty complimentary. Sure, her legs are a little chunkier, her waist a little broader, and there are some unattractive bruises on her thigh. But given the fact that she's wearing an unforgiving hot pink swimsuit and heels, she's still got plenty to be confident about.

The idea of Britney striking a blow for female empowerment is a troubling one. If we're going to willingly accept this brave new world, maybe we also need to reappraise Britney's previous misadventures. Perhaps she's been sending out positive messages all along?

When she shaved her head, it was a gesture of sisterhood for women with alopecia. Those mimed concert appearances - an exposure of the artifice of the recording industry. And when she attacked that photographer's car with an umbrella she was making a statement about the impending threat of climate change.

The other explanation is that she was sitting in Supercuts, waiting to have her weave re-glued, and decided to flick through the new Marie Claire. Incensed by Jessica Simpson's unretouched, make-up-free cover image, she vowed not to be outdone by a pretender to her throne.

Whatever her motivation, it's clear that Britney wants a fresh start. And the fact that she made this decision indicates that she's running her own career, rather than relying on an ambulance chasing 'manager'. Looks like our girl is now a woman.

The Fleshy Bits

Well, here we are on December 31st and what a year it's been. I've loved writing p0pvulture every day (mostly), and I hope you've enjoyed reading it. So I thought I'd mark the end of the year with The Fleshy Bits - p0pvulture's highly coveted awards for the people who helped to make 2009 so special...

The 'I'd Prefer to be Illiterate' Award goes to the champion of bad writing, the Daily Mail

With more factual inaccuracies than a Katie Price autobiography, and a glossy veneer of hate that would make Nick Griffin wince, the Daily Mail didn't just kill the respected art of journalism, it dug up its corpse and paraded around a farmyard wearing a suit made out of its skin.

During a particularly vintage year, Jan Moir got herself crossed off Ronan Keating's Christmas card list, and Amanda Platell replaced Grange Hill's Imelda Davies as the nation's most frightening female bully.

The 'Call the RAC' Award goes to non-stop car crash Kerry Katona

With a woeful taste in men to rival Eva Braun, unhappily married Kerry spent most of the last twelve months like a long-running collision, and the bonnet is still buckling. From the blow to the bipolar, there's not a bad decision Kerry didn't make. Having sustained her 'luxury' (tbc) lifestyle for far too long, Iceland finally cut their losses and ditched the Twizzler-munching half-wit. And you know you've hit rock bottom when one of the Nolans becomes a better bet.

Kerry's now on the processed white breadline, and has even been turned down by producers of Celebrity Big Brother. Maybe they prefer their breakdowns to be a little more drawn out, rather than taking place on the stairs of the compound.

The 'Hollowed-out Volcano for Rent' Award goes to uber-villain Simon Cowell

It's been an amazing year for the king of pap music. He's helped transform Cheryl Cole from a poorly written Viz character into Vera Lynn with better hair. He found a sartorially-challenged frump and turned her into the Second Coming, inspiring a generation of lonely, middle-aged cat-ladies to believe in themselves. And he lost the battle for Christmas number one.

He didn't even realise there was a battle to be fought, until a bunch of internet rebels took exception to his arrogant assumption that the top spot was his to bestow. But just like Keyser Soze, who convinced the world he didn't exist, Cowell will have the last evil laugh. He may have pretended to lose the battle, but there's no denying he'll win the war.

The 'Ignore Them and They'll Go Away' Award goes to ubiquitous bucket and professional fantasist Katie Price

Wherever you looked this year, you were certain to see a picture of Katie Price falling out of something - whether it was love, a nightclub or her outfit. For a while she'd convinced a good percentge of the population that 'Jordan' was her slutty, foul-mouthed and uncontrollable alter-ego. But if you're going to claim 'multiple personalities', there needs to be more than one discernible character.

The divorce from singing ironing board Peter Andre was only the beginning. Amongst this year's highlights were the claims that she may be suffering from swine flu, was a kidnapping risk, and was genuinely in love with a pug-faced cage fighter who looks less convincing in women's clothes than Anne Widdecombe.

She also continued to flog her equestrian accessories range, in the process distressing more horses than the lead in Equus. Ultimately, Katie proved that she would do anything to stay on the front of the papers, and the media were only too willing to comply.

The 'Most Over-used Tool Since Ron Jeremy' Award goes Photoshop

Newspapers and magazines have been feeling the pinch ever since the internet came along, leaving them more and more desperate to snag readers with any old tripe. And in the absence of actual news, they applied the pressure to already overworked graphic designers, in order to fill the extra space in their publications. As a consequence we've been treated to the pleasures of doctored film posters, creepy child pageant participants, and pictures of Kelly Clarkson, with enough flesh removed to create a spare American Idol winner out of the left-overs.

The 'I've Still Got A Crystal Set In the Attic' Award goes to flavour-of-the-month Twitter

In the good old days (according to Joan Collins) celebrities relied on a team of well-trained publicists to keep their darkest secrets from public scrutiny. These days, we're more likely to get real-time updates from our favourite stars as they tuck their feet into the stirrups and take a deep breath. Twitter has made it possible for people to give their 'followers' access to their innermost thoughts, even whilst navigating a tricky underwear hole or fending off a troublesome ex.

I could go on, but it's now 2010. So good luck in the new year, may all your dreams come true. Even the dirty ones...

Bad movie, worse poster

Movie studio Universal is in trouble today, for being a little heavy handed with the clone tool. Some eagle-eyed movie fans have noticed that cast members Faizon Love and Kali Hawk have been unceremoniously dumped from the posters for new comedy Couples Retreat. 

Although the film follows the misadventures of four couples on a tropical island, it seems that there was only room in the ads for six people. According to the rather embarrassed publicity team, efforts had been taken 'to simplify the poster to actors who are most recognisable in international markets'. That meant dropping the African-American couple from the line-up, and playing up Malin Akerman and Kristen Bell's A-list profile instead.

Having said that, the US original wasn't much better, with Love and Hawk so far in the distance it looked as though they'd been washed out to sea. 

However, on close inspection it seems that this new poster may not be the work of an unforgivable racist after all. Instead, it could just be that the artworker in question suffers from OCD and couldn't help 'tidying' up the poster. After all, the characters' leis and floral accessories have also been removed, as have all the tidemarks on their clothes. 

Interestingly, most companies usually get into trouble for manipulating people of colour into publicity materials, to make up for their lack of diversity, not taking them out. The Onion even ran an alarmingly accurate story back in 2000 on the subject, headed 'Black Guy Photoshopped In'.

Ultimately, the real issue here is just how bad movie poster artwork has become. This once noble artform has now been replaced with lazy studio photography and basic Illustrator work. I guess Taschen's long-running series of Film Posters books will have to end with the 1990s. 

Angels and demons

They say love is blind. And no love is more blind than that of a parent. To everyone else, your baby may resemble a lump of blotchy meatloaf in a cute bonnet, but to you it's pure unexpurgated beauty. Unless of course you happen to be the parent of a pre-teen pageant princess.


Every year, over 100,000 under-twelves participate in what's now a billion-dollar industry. They're all coached, trained, primped and sprayed until they look like the midget hooker in Total Recall. According to new book 'High Glitz', these pint-sized perfectionists represent modern America's "values of beauty, glamour and celebrity".


Their parents, who would think nothing of using a cattle prod as a motivational aid (as well as a handy hair-crimper), won't settle for anything less than perfection. And as a consequence, an even creepier trend seems to have emerged, as children as young as two are put under the airbrush, with some truly horrifying consequences.

Giving us an uncanny glimpse into a world where human taxidermy is commonplace (hang in there Joan Rivers, your time will come), these glassy-eyed, matte-finished monsters manage to make Chucky look sympathetically human. 

Lips are plumped, eyes are lifted and teeth are straightened, even though some of the photographic subjects are too young to actually have teeth. And all of them have the same dead-eyed stare that made the characters in The Polar Express look like they'd shuffled in from one of George Romero's zombie epics.

The world of child pageantry has always been dogged with controversy, particularly concerning the early sexualisation of children and the impact of beauty contests on young people's self-image. These pictures, showing how parents wish their children looked rather than the reality, can only make a bad situation worse. 

Note to Self...

Self, the fitness, nutrition and health & beauty magazine, has run an exclusive interview with original American Idol Kelly Clarkson, detailing her struggle with self-esteem and body issues.

Kelly, who always gives good interview thanks to her earthy, take-no-prisoners approach, talks at length about how she's finally comfortable with her body. Rather than obsessing about her calorie intake, she eats what she likes and exercises when she can.

But despite having a cover that shouts about 'Total Body Confidence', the magazine has inadvertently shown just how little faith it has in its own editorial approach. The cover picture of Kelly has been so heavily photoshopped that the singer looks almost unrecognisable. Which leaves one wondering, what's the point?

Magazines retouching their cover stars is really nothing new, but it does seem bizarre for them to be so heavy handed when dealing with a story specifically about perceptions of weight. Editor Lucy Danziger took to her blog to claim "Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best...But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand." Someone give this woman a BA in bullshit.

If you're looking for truth though, consider the words of Self's entertainment assistant Ashley Mateo, another regular blogger: "Why do we get bent out of shape when a magazine alters an image to portray a celebrity in their best light? No one wants to see a giant picture of some star's cellulite on the cover of a monthly mag." Perhaps someone should point out to her that readers of a magazine about weight and self-esteem might...

Shame on her!

Thank God for the Daily Mail. On a slow news day, I know I can always find something to get me irritated in their Aladdin's cave of indignant, incredulous trash.

Yesterday's hot topic was the headline: Britney Spears Calls In The Airbrush Experts. In typically jeering style, the Mail revels in pictures of Britney's 'wobbly tummy' taken in concert a month ago, compared with pictures of her used in a new ad campaign.

What really irks me about this story is the way they portray the need for photoshop as a diva-like demand from the star herself. The fact is, the photographer, client, ad agency and talent representatives would have all had a say in the use of any image manipulation tools. Britney has been photoshopped whether she likes it or not.

Of course, the real irony in all this, is the fact that the Daily Mail is drawing attention to the misuse of software like PhotoShop. Especially since they are internationally renowned for having some of the sloppiest graphic designers in the business. And let's not even get started on the dubious ethics of a newspaper feeling that it's acceptable to doctor images that accompany its news stories.

My particular favourite is this picture of Anne Diamond, holding a fan of 'offensive' computer games that she reviewed for the Mail. I must have missed the following day's issue when they asked Dominik Diamond to create a knitting pattern.