The Fleshy Bits

Well, here we are on December 31st and what a year it's been. I've loved writing p0pvulture every day (mostly), and I hope you've enjoyed reading it. So I thought I'd mark the end of the year with The Fleshy Bits - p0pvulture's highly coveted awards for the people who helped to make 2009 so special...

The 'I'd Prefer to be Illiterate' Award goes to the champion of bad writing, the Daily Mail

With more factual inaccuracies than a Katie Price autobiography, and a glossy veneer of hate that would make Nick Griffin wince, the Daily Mail didn't just kill the respected art of journalism, it dug up its corpse and paraded around a farmyard wearing a suit made out of its skin.

During a particularly vintage year, Jan Moir got herself crossed off Ronan Keating's Christmas card list, and Amanda Platell replaced Grange Hill's Imelda Davies as the nation's most frightening female bully.

The 'Call the RAC' Award goes to non-stop car crash Kerry Katona

With a woeful taste in men to rival Eva Braun, unhappily married Kerry spent most of the last twelve months like a long-running collision, and the bonnet is still buckling. From the blow to the bipolar, there's not a bad decision Kerry didn't make. Having sustained her 'luxury' (tbc) lifestyle for far too long, Iceland finally cut their losses and ditched the Twizzler-munching half-wit. And you know you've hit rock bottom when one of the Nolans becomes a better bet.

Kerry's now on the processed white breadline, and has even been turned down by producers of Celebrity Big Brother. Maybe they prefer their breakdowns to be a little more drawn out, rather than taking place on the stairs of the compound.

The 'Hollowed-out Volcano for Rent' Award goes to uber-villain Simon Cowell

It's been an amazing year for the king of pap music. He's helped transform Cheryl Cole from a poorly written Viz character into Vera Lynn with better hair. He found a sartorially-challenged frump and turned her into the Second Coming, inspiring a generation of lonely, middle-aged cat-ladies to believe in themselves. And he lost the battle for Christmas number one.

He didn't even realise there was a battle to be fought, until a bunch of internet rebels took exception to his arrogant assumption that the top spot was his to bestow. But just like Keyser Soze, who convinced the world he didn't exist, Cowell will have the last evil laugh. He may have pretended to lose the battle, but there's no denying he'll win the war.

The 'Ignore Them and They'll Go Away' Award goes to ubiquitous bucket and professional fantasist Katie Price

Wherever you looked this year, you were certain to see a picture of Katie Price falling out of something - whether it was love, a nightclub or her outfit. For a while she'd convinced a good percentge of the population that 'Jordan' was her slutty, foul-mouthed and uncontrollable alter-ego. But if you're going to claim 'multiple personalities', there needs to be more than one discernible character.

The divorce from singing ironing board Peter Andre was only the beginning. Amongst this year's highlights were the claims that she may be suffering from swine flu, was a kidnapping risk, and was genuinely in love with a pug-faced cage fighter who looks less convincing in women's clothes than Anne Widdecombe.

She also continued to flog her equestrian accessories range, in the process distressing more horses than the lead in Equus. Ultimately, Katie proved that she would do anything to stay on the front of the papers, and the media were only too willing to comply.

The 'Most Over-used Tool Since Ron Jeremy' Award goes Photoshop

Newspapers and magazines have been feeling the pinch ever since the internet came along, leaving them more and more desperate to snag readers with any old tripe. And in the absence of actual news, they applied the pressure to already overworked graphic designers, in order to fill the extra space in their publications. As a consequence we've been treated to the pleasures of doctored film posters, creepy child pageant participants, and pictures of Kelly Clarkson, with enough flesh removed to create a spare American Idol winner out of the left-overs.

The 'I've Still Got A Crystal Set In the Attic' Award goes to flavour-of-the-month Twitter

In the good old days (according to Joan Collins) celebrities relied on a team of well-trained publicists to keep their darkest secrets from public scrutiny. These days, we're more likely to get real-time updates from our favourite stars as they tuck their feet into the stirrups and take a deep breath. Twitter has made it possible for people to give their 'followers' access to their innermost thoughts, even whilst navigating a tricky underwear hole or fending off a troublesome ex.

I could go on, but it's now 2010. So good luck in the new year, may all your dreams come true. Even the dirty ones...

Big mouth strikes again

We've all nursed sore heads after a night on the sauce, but Kanye West will have been suffering the mother of all hangovers today after his adventures at yesterday's MTV Music Video Awards. Not only did he spend most of the evening swigging from a huge bottle of Hennessy cognac and posing with his otherworldly girlfriend Amber Rose, he got a little carried away during the awards show and was unceremoniously kicked out of Radio City Music Hall where the show was being held.

Three years ago, Kanye revealed an ego so big that it emits a beeping sound when he walks backward, by jumping onstage at the MTV Europe awards to protest losing out in the Best Video category. This time however, his outrage came in the form of misguided solidarity for the most famous ass in showbusiness, Beyonce Knowles.

As the winner of Best Female Video was announced, a shocked Taylor Swift took to the stage to claim her award and give her gushing acceptance speech. The 19 year-old country star, described by the New York Times as "one of pop's finest songwriters" never got past her first couple of lines though, since she was promptly joined on-stage by a well-lubricated Kayne, who took Taylor's microphone and decided to share his thoughts about the award.

In Kanye's 'humble' opinion, Beyonce deserved the award for Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) since it was, he felt, one of the best videos ever made. Taylor stood to the side, looking like she was going to cry or throw up, then calmly took back the microphone once Kanye was done. Sitting in the audience, Beyonce just looked like she wanted to put a ring on it, and slap him with it.

Thankfully, Beyonce showed extraordinary grace when accepting her own (well deserved) award for Best Video later in the evening, and invited Taylor back on stage to have a second stab at her 'thank you' speech. Taylor may have shed some teardrops on her guitar backstage, but she was smiling through her luminous veneers when called out by her 'hero' to belatedly enjoy her moment in the spotlight.

Other music stars, happy for once to be innocent bystanders, have all weighed in on the controversy, with Katy Perry, P!nk and Kelly Clarkson all voicing their disgust. Meanwhile, Kanye issued a punctuation-heavy statement on his blog today, saying "I will apologize to Taylor 2mrw. Welcome to the real world!!! Everybody wanna boo me but I'm a fan of real pop culture! No disrespect but we watchin' the show at the crib right now cause...well you know!!! I'm still happy for Taylor!!! Boooyaaawwww!!!! You are very very talented... I'm not crazy yall, I'm just real. Sorry for that! I really feel bad for Taylor and I'm sincerely sorry!!! Much respect!!!"

In fact, the only person willing to step in and defend Kanye, was returning host Russell Brand, himself no stranger to VMA controversy after slating George Bush and the Jonas Brothers last time. Maybe he was just relieved that someone else was taking the heat this time around.

Despite Kanye's objectionable behaviour and ill-judged attempt at hogging the limelight, you have to admit that he had a point about the 'Single Ladies' film clip. After all, only truly exceptional videos can work just as well when muted. Or redubbed with a hideous novelty record...

Note to Self...

Self, the fitness, nutrition and health & beauty magazine, has run an exclusive interview with original American Idol Kelly Clarkson, detailing her struggle with self-esteem and body issues.

Kelly, who always gives good interview thanks to her earthy, take-no-prisoners approach, talks at length about how she's finally comfortable with her body. Rather than obsessing about her calorie intake, she eats what she likes and exercises when she can.

But despite having a cover that shouts about 'Total Body Confidence', the magazine has inadvertently shown just how little faith it has in its own editorial approach. The cover picture of Kelly has been so heavily photoshopped that the singer looks almost unrecognisable. Which leaves one wondering, what's the point?

Magazines retouching their cover stars is really nothing new, but it does seem bizarre for them to be so heavy handed when dealing with a story specifically about perceptions of weight. Editor Lucy Danziger took to her blog to claim "Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best...But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand." Someone give this woman a BA in bullshit.

If you're looking for truth though, consider the words of Self's entertainment assistant Ashley Mateo, another regular blogger: "Why do we get bent out of shape when a magazine alters an image to portray a celebrity in their best light? No one wants to see a giant picture of some star's cellulite on the cover of a monthly mag." Perhaps someone should point out to her that readers of a magazine about weight and self-esteem might...

The meaning of Diva

VH1 has announced that it's going to be interrupting its highbrow programming (including 'Charm School with Ricki Lake' and 'Megan Wants a Millionaire') to bring back an old favourite. After a four year absence, we can finally start looking forward to the 2009 edition of VH1 Divas.

Airing back in 1998, the first VH1 Divas concert was staged to help raise money for the channel's "Save The Music Foundation". Despite the impressive names in the line-up, most people actually tuned in to see how any venue could possibly house the titanic egos of some of music's biggest names. Sharing a stage (but presumably not a dressing room) were Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Gloria Estefan, Carole King, Aretha Franklin and Mariah Carey.

Particular attention was paid to Carey, who has a well-documented reputation for diva-like behaviour, and Franklin - the biggest diva of them all (in circumference as well as talent). Thankfully, the only histrionics on the night were the vocal kind, and VH1 were sufficiently happy to make the event an annual one.

Over the years the show played host to the biggest female names in music, including Patti LaBelle, Tina Turner, Whitney Houston, Diana Ross, Cher, Mary J. Blige, Donna Summer, and (weirdly) Elton John. At the time people questioned Elton's eligibility, only to be reminded that, in contemporary terms at least, he was the quintessential diva - a vast talent dwarfed by shrieking demands and a complete absence of humility.

Now with the concept being dragged out of early retirement, the carefully tweezed eyebrows of the entertainment business are being raised once again. But this time it's not the gender of the acts that are causing consternation, more the status. So far, only four stars have been named, with Kelly Clarkson considered the veteran of the group that also includes Leona Lewis, Adele and Miley Cyrus.

Given that Adele and Leona only really found fame in the last 18 months, and Miley has yet to graduate beyond the Disney channel (come to think of it, she hasn't even graduated high school), it's hard not to feel that the true diva is a dying breed. Being a great singer is one thing, but the appeal of the diva lies is to be found in the inaccessible prima donna, not the quality of the live vocal. Grace Jones is a diva, even though her voice sounds like the belch of dishwater disappearing down the drain.

As great as I'm sure their performances will be, I can't help but feel a little underwhelmed by the idea of an all-star show where the talent just gushes about "How amazing it is to be here". The show's called Divas, so we want people who refuse to leave their dressing room until there are enough humidifiers to create a thundercloud. Still, they've got a couple of months to turn into monsters. My money's on Leona.