Putting it all behind her

And it was all going so well...

Jennifer Lopez had only recently been talking to the press about her 'vocal graduation', telling Access Hollywood that she had a new confidence in her singing skills. She felt particularly proud of the fact that she had sung an old Barbra Streisand song called 'My Man' for her man, husband Marc Anthony, and reduced him to tears in the process.

Beaming with pride, she claimed "I sang a song for Mark's 40th birthday... I was like, 'I can't believe I'm trying to sing a Barbra Streisand song, this is insane!' but I sang it and it was almost like I graduated. I sang it and he had tears in his eyes and we were both like, 'what was that?' and I was like, 'finally, I am a singer, this is what I do!'"

You might scoff at J-Lo's claims of disbelief and tears, until you consider the evidence that recently emerged, courtesy of some pissed-off sound engineers. Tired of La Lopez's diva antics, an irritated studio employee has apparently leaked a recording of the multi-hyphenate laying down some sounds for her forthcoming comeback album.

Biting her thumb at the naysayers, the Latino lovely has gamely taken on one of pop musics biggest targets - Enough Is Enough. Originally recorded in 1979, this epic duet between Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand made Alien vs Predator look like a mild playground scuffle, and featured two of the world's biggest voices, going at it hammer and tongs.

It's not so much a case of the song 'being too big for her' (critique appears courtesy of American Idol) - more the fact that she simply can't sing. At one point in the excruciating recording, the Bronx-born beauty laughs and apologises that the notes she hit were painful for her too. If only she knew how much.

According to the NY Daily News, this audio leak couldn't have come at a worse time, with an unnamed source (aren't they always?) claiming “People are saying that Jennifer is past her prime and her best work is behind her.” With an ass that was rumoured to be insured for $1 billion, it's safe to say that all of Jennifer's highpoints are behind her.

At least Jen can always count on the gays' support, even if all her other fans develop a debilitating case of tinitus. She told The Advocate this month that gays make the best audience ever: "You guys enjoy the music, you get into it, and you’re not afraid to let go and express yourself. That’s what I want from an audience. I recently did a show where the crowd was just standing there, staring at me with their camera phones up, YouTubing me or whatever the heck they do now. I was like, ‘This is crazy! I need vibe!’ I’d so much rather have you guys jumping up and down, waving your arms in the air.”

Chances are, all those people 'YouTubing her or whatever' were actually hoping to score some footage for 'Funny Or Die'. She might also want to check whether those guys in the audience were genuinely waving or simply begging her to stop.

All that glitters...

Coming soon to a cinema near you - Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire. Aside from its rather complicated title (engineered so that no-one would mistake it for the similarly named Dakota Fanning sci-fi thriller), the film is garnering rave reviews for its powerful central performance by Gabourey Sidibe as Claireece "Precious" Jones, an obese, illiterate 16-year old subjected to a life of rape and abuse at the hands of her parents.

Perhaps more surprising, is the fact that one of the other stand-out performances is delivered by Mariah Carey, a woman whose film debut was so bad her equity card should have been retracted. Frumped up and toned down, Carey has put the diva on hold and turned in a sensitive portrayal of a street-smart social worker. And it's not unfeasible to think that an Oscar nomination may even be on the horizon (looks over shoulder for four horsemen).

This has obviously sent a ripple of jealousy coursing throughout Divadom, with Mariah's peers regarding her success with envious eyes. Top of the list is Jennifer Lopez, who was first a dancer, then a reputable actress, then a ropey actress, then a singer, then a fashion designer, then a parfumier, and is now an actress again. Her CV is littered with more turkeys than Bernard Matthews' backyard, but she has, on occasion, managed a few half-decent performances.

Her 2006 film El Cantante, which told the story of the King of Salsa, Hector Lavoe, is one such film. J-Lo got some of the best reviews of her career for her role as Hector's fiery wife Puchi, although as the star of Anaconda and Gigli that can't have been too much of a stretch.

Speaking with characteristic modesty to Latina Magazine, Jenny from the block has shared her belief that she deserved some golden, man-shaped baubles for her efforts: "I feel like I had that [Oscar worthy role]... but I don't even think the academy members saw it. It was funny; when the Oscars were on... I was sitting there with my twins--I couldn't have been happier--but I was like, 'How dope would it have been if I would've won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award?'"

But don't shed a tear for the ego-driven multi-hyphenate, she knows her time will come - "Things will happen when they're supposed to happen. I have the utmost faith and no doubt that it will one day, when and if it's supposed to. You can't get all crazy twisted over it."

She's absolutely right. But if you really want to see crazy-twisted, let's make sure there's a camera trained on her all night on March 7th, just in case Mariah gets her moment on the stage of the Kodak Theatre. Now wouldn't that be 'dope'?