I'm not gay, I just look, talk, dress and swish that way...

The ex-gay movement is a depressingly familiar fixture on the interweb, with videos, testimonials and conversion guides regularly popping up to encourage homosexuals to reject their hedonistic lifestyle and embrace the all-condemning judgement of Jesus.

I'm all for freedom of choice, so if people want to live a solitary life of self-loathing and furtive, angry masturbation, I say "good luck to them". The biggest problem I have with the concept is that not one of the advocates of this biblically-enhanced brainwashing has ever proven that homosexuality can be cured.

Sure, with the right amount of coercion and guilt, you can force someone to turn their back (figuratively, of course) on that side of their life. But it doesn't take the gay away, it just buries it under a pile of dirty laundry. Sooner or later, that teal chemise is going to be hanging back on the line for all to see.

The latest proponent of this ridiculous 'reclamation' rhetoric is Adam Hood, a man so swishy he could actually be used to harness wind power. He features in a hilariously ill-advised video on YouTube wearing a sparkly gold ascot that John Humphrys would have thought twice about.

Hissing his way through more 'S's than a cartoon snake, he dramatically proclaims his views on the abomination of homosexuality and rejoices in his rebirth. Sadly, his argument is undermined by the fact that he seems incapable of constructing a sentence without betraying how he really feels.

He talks about how God lays down his judgement, claiming "God can do it in a gracious loving way, he can also do it by cracking a whip…" and remembering a time when "I saw myself outside of myself in a cage…" giving viewers some idea of the lifestyle he enjoyed when he was a prominent party boy on the San Francisco scene.

It also doesn't help that his hissy speech patterns make it sound like he's saying something very different when he adds "I always pray over the homosexual community..." Better bring an umbrella when Adam's in town.

There's a longer video online, if you can handle even more sparkly insanity, in which Adam fondly remembers his 'heterosexual' wedding night. He proudly recalls the moment he deflowered his bride, screaming Jesus' name at the point of orgasm. Because every woman wants to hear the name of the pool-boy when her husband climaxes.

He may consider himself cured, but everything about his frame of reference suggests that homosexuality is never far from his mind, or other parts of his anatomy for that matter. The moral of the story here is that, despite what we've been told, it's fundamentalism that's a lifestyle choice.