Tuesday, 8 June 2010

If you have a problem, and no-one else can help...

The only thing better than the fuzzy glow of nostalgia, is having everything you ever enjoyed remade so that you don't have to waste precious brain cells trying to remember it.

So our thanks go to those generous Hollywood moneymen who think nothing of ravaging our childhood like a Vermont priest (see yesterday's post) to save them having to come up with an original concept. In terms of fondly-remembered TV properties, few score higher than the A-Team, which is conveniently the latest TV show to be fed through the film industry's sausage machine.

The story of four wrongly imprisoned Vietnam veterans, the A-Team was everything a child of the eighties could wish for. Improbable action, cunning disguises (that usually involved a bushy grey moustache) and enough impromptu engineering to give Isambard Kingdom Brunel the horn.

Despite living off the grid to avoid recapture (the opening credits voiceover doubted anyone's ability to find them), the A-Team were regularly called upon by comely young ladies to protect their farms against ruthless developers with their own private militia. Every week the gang would show up, bicker and flirt, then get locked in a barn and have to devise a way of breaking out by cunningly building a cabbage-firing tank that could blast a jeep 18 feet in the air.

Although the show's concept has been updated to reflect modern reality, with the team now Iraq war veterans, director Jo Carnahan has promised to keep things light-hearted, claiming "You can … make a film that reflects on the real world without losing the great sense of fun and the velocity of action in a classic summer popcorn film."

Although fan-boy anticipation is understandably high, the movie's imminent release has been soured somewhat, thanks to a few thoughtless remarks made by Ultimate Fighter Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson, who is following in Mr T's jewellery laden footsteps.

When the Los Angeles Times visited the set, Jackson stated that “Acting is kind of gay. It makes you soft. You got all these people combing your hair and putting a coat over your shoulders when you’re cold. I don’t want a coat over my shoulders! I’m a tough-ass!"

Before anyone even had time to pity the fool, critics were calling him a homophobe and insisting on a boycott of the film. Since then, the beefy Bo Selecta-looking action star has been forced to retract his comments and issue a rather rambling apology on his personal website.

He's fine with gays, as long as they don't touch him, buy him drinks or 'hound' him. And besides, as Rampage points out, "MOST straight fans act GAYER than any guys that was at this gay bar that I visited." So as long as gays don't do anything too gay, like looking or acting gay, he's fine with that.

But, see, now I'm wondering whether he actually intended to go to that gay bar in the first place. Maybe he was ranting about "I ain't going in no damn gay bar, no fool ain't getting me in no gay bar." Then Hannibal gave him a glass of milk, he blacked out... You see where I'm going with this?

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