Friday, 19 March 2010

Your secret's out

This has not been a good week for celebrities indulging in a little extra-curricular activity. Sam and Kate's relationship hit an iceberg when it emerged that he's been getting 'close' to actress Rebecca Hall.

Just days later it was Sandra Bullock and Jesse James taking their turn in the limelight. The tabloids loved the idea that whilst Sandra was busy earning her Oscar on the set of The Blind Side, her rough-around-the-edges hubby was dipping his tattoo needle in some seriously grotty ink. Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee may have grown up Amish, but she made up for lost time by transforming herself into a human park bench - covered in graffiti and offering tramps a bed for the night.

We were even treated to an update on Tiger's ongoing trauma, as porn star Joslyn James launched a website dedicated to the texts Tiger sent her - from one pro to another. The golfing God has always seemed like the strong but silent type, which is just as well, considering the quality of his chat-up lines - "I would love to have the ability to make you sore." Hope she stocked up on Canesten first.

But my favourite celebrity sex revelation of the week was Karl Lagerfeld's announcement that he likes to pay for his boy-toys. The desiccated designer believes that sex in a relationship never lasts, so he prefers to leave his money on the dresser.

For someone known for his plain-speaking opinions, it's a little surprising that Karl opts for the age-old euphemism 'high-class escort' rather than 'rent boy'. For the record, 'high-class escort' is an oxymoron. If they give you a blow-job and change, class doesn't come into it. Chances are, it just means that you're paying over the odds.

Kind-hearted Karl also pointed out that, although prostitutes are a viable option for the rich, for everyone else there's always porn. And he has a lot of respect for the performers who work hard for the money in films like 'Harry Squatter' and 'Dawson's Crack'.

As Karl says, "I also think it’s much more difficult to perform in porn than to fake some emotion on the face as an actor." He's right, you can't fake most of the things that end up on a porn actor's face.

Since Karl doesn't believe in gay marriage (he thinks it's all rather bourgeois, and he prefers to be 'different'), it looks as though Karl will have to keep paying for it. Which is just as well, since I can't imagine that looking like the Crypt Keeper gets Karl too many offers.

I'm sure he'd be the first to admit that true love is priceless. And for everything else, there's Mastercard.

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