Imagine Jan Moir's frustration - a handsome young gay TV presenter wanks himself to death and she can't say what's really on her mind. Having famously blamed Stephen Gately's death on his lifestyle, rather than the congenital heart defect that actually killed him, here was the perfect opportunity for the poisonous podgester to resume her one woman crusade. But unlike the arsonists who can't resist returning to the scene of their crime, Jan managed to bite her forked tongue and let this auto-erotic escapade pass by.
The problem is, ugly sentiments like hate and malice will eventually bubble to the surface. And poor old Kate Winslet is bearing the brunt.
Today Jan published a breathtakingly cruel attack on the Oscar winning actress, simply because her marriage to director Sam Mendes has failed. There's nothing like kicking someone when they're down.
With a metaphorical deerstalker perched on her fat head, Moir sets about picking apart the ruins of Winslet's relationship. In the absence of any incriminating weapons, Jan has to resort to the age-old technique favoured by crooked cops everywhere - planting evidence.
Jan's Jessica Fletcher-instincts were first triggered when she saw Kate at the Oscars, looking "a little glum" and "clinging to Jeff Bridges" when presenting an award. She even imagines an alternative scenario where Kate and Jeff wrestle on the floor of the auditorium. It's enough to make Columbo squint.
At first, it almost seems as though Jan is genuinely sad for the once-happy couple's loss. She even describes them as the seemingly perfect couple, grounded, talented and attractive.
But like all the great detectives, she's just lulling people into a false sense of security by pretending she's on their side. Jan thinks Kate and Sam looked too alike for the marriage to work, commenting "It would take sonar imaging to fathom the daily depths of narcissism they must have experienced as they once devotedly looked into each other's eyes."
As for Kate, well, she's no better than the council mums that Jan likes to take occasional pot shots at - "How has girl-next-door Kate Winslet found herself, at the age of 34, with two divorces already on the charge sheet and two children to care for... Despite her professions of normalcy, Kate is an ultra-glam Hollywood film star... yet even she cannot keep a man, or make a marriage work."
Is it normal for someone to express quite so much glee in someone else's misery, especially when children are involved and there's no evidence of foul play on either side?
The way Jan sees it, Hollywood marriages have no chance of working. The stars live in a "gated community of celebrity life" where they develop warped sensibilities and "grow used to being the magnetic north in any social or work situation."
Kate Winslet has never presented herself as anything other than an ordinary girl from Reading who has been fortunate enough to pursue her career with some success. That's more than enough ammunition for Jan to accuse her of not having the aptitude or ability to work at her marriage. Painting in broad brushstrokes, she suggests that all famous people "grow weary, dabble in casual treachery, give in to temptation, fail to respond to any situation where they are not the centre of attention."
More specifically, Jan doesn't believe that Kate is interested in anything but herself: "don't you think that there was always something rather phoney about old bangers-and-mash Kate? Only someone who believes that she is secretly marked out for an extraordinary destiny would protest about her ordinariness so much."
As well as presenting a thorough deconstruction of La Winslet, Jan even speculates on the next likely casualty of the curse of female Oscar winners, naming 'poor Sandra Bullock' as her next target.
Sadly, just hours after Jan's article was published, the tabloids were filled with scurrilous rumours that Sandra's husband has been cheating on her with a tattoo model. This evening the UK premiere of The Blind Side was cancelled due to 'unforeseen personal reasons'.
The Mail may claim to be pro-marriage, but it seems that no-one is happier than its writers when another once-happy couple bites the dust.
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