It's the end of the road for...

Who needs Tiny Tim and his polio-ridden festive cheer, when you've got Robbie William shouting out "God bless you X-Factor"? The problem with Robbie's songs is that even the good ones just sound like a song you already know - it's familiar but strange, rather like Robbie himself. Prince Harry's in the audience and gave Robbie a standing ovation. I surprised he knows how.

Here we go - who's made the final two? Stacey looks like she's glad they left the back on her dress - she's carrying a load. Joe's inspecting his shoes. Dramatic...................... pause from Dermot. Now Joe's looking for his contact lens down Cheryl's top.

Well, it's the end of Stacey's journey. She's grinning like a lunatic - maybe someone needs to explain what just happened. Bless her, she's actually very gracious in defeat, and I'm sure we'll be seeing her again. Maybe she can follow Will Young onto the panel of Question Time?

That's your lot. Thanks for reading tonight, hope you enjoyed the show.

We're on the home straight

Stacey (I decided to spell her name correctly for a change) has just belted out 'Who Wants To Live Forever' which was one of her better performances from earlier in the series. She looks like she's been raiding Cheryl's wardrobe, with a long flowing dress that's been cut away at the front to show off her legs. Must be cold up there with the wind machine turned up to 11. She'll have quite a draft up her gusset.

Quick, let's go back to Dagenham and hear a bunch of BNP voters screaming Stacey's name. These location visits are really painful - surely we could lose them and shave a bit off the unnecessary running time.

Despite the fact that Robbie Williams joked about Simon's poor grasp on percentages, King Flathead has just introduced Olly with the promise of 150 percent. Louis has admitted he finds Olly sexy. Now there's an image that'll be scorched onto my retinas for aeons. The judges don't seem particularly convinced that Olly will be in the final. Maybe it's because the performances are bigger than the voice, and we do like a belter on these shows. 

Joe is really working the Elton John songbook tonight, but if it ain't broke don't go jamming a screwdriver in it. The falsetto isn't really working, but the rest of it is so good I doubt anyone will notice. It felt a little downbeat, perhaps the choir got stuck behind that malfunctioning door. I hope they're alright.

Part 3 - in 3-D (may not work with some older models)

Welcome back to part three of tonight's live X-Factor coverage, thank you for reading. Stacy's 'Feeling Good' and she's wearing a much nicer outfit this time. Her bits were a bit flat, so here's Michael Buble to show her how it's done. It seems to have worked because she's doing much better now that he's given her something pretty to look at. All things considered it was a pretty good performance, but all her sophistication went out the window when she stopped singing to introduce La Bubble to the stage. 


Now it's Olly's turn, and he's singing Angels. I can't for the life of me imagine who the surprise guest might be. Anyone got any ideas? Gosh, I'm on the edge of my seat wondering who it might be. Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this (sarcasm) - it's Robbie. His eyes are regular sized this time, which is a relief. Olly just said "Go on mate" as though Robbie needed his permission to continue. Their voices are similar. Not necessarily a great thing, but then taste is subjective. Robbie has a touch of the pinkeye, and needs to go easy on the fake tan, but he seems happy enough. 


Joe doesn't want your the son sun to go down on him. George Michael has dragged himself away from the heath long enough to belt it out with the Geordie wunderkid. The harmonies are working well, and if Joe doesn't win, then it's clearly a global conspiracy and the authorities need to get involved. 

There's more, there's more

Simon's dad is from Essex, so it was like going home for him. Except not into a gated community I imagine. Olly's old school looks a lot like a juvenile detention centre - in the middle of nowhere with screaming inmates behind a ridiculously high fence. Simon loves to take his time when saying "incredibly", spelling out each syllable, but he can't bring himself to 'love' when it comes to Olly. 'Like' is as good as it gets.

Simon looks a little frightened on his way to Olly's gig, but that might just be the Butterscotch Angel Delight repeating on him. Olly's been reading up on his cliches - he doesn't want this dream to end. But we all have to wake up sometime.

He's doing Superstition - he does love his Stevie Wonder. We can guarantee some embarassing dancing at some point during this performance. Although I'm not sure why the dancers are all dressed like flappers - this song was recorded in 1972, not the 1922. Olly just did a nice slide along the floor under the dancer's legs, like a child who pretends to drop a handful of change (i.e. John Candy in Splash) for a glimpse of a woman's coin purse.

Cut to Michael Underwood in Colchester. They're really bringing out the big guns for these 'on location' reports - ITV3's schedule must be empty tonight. 

Cheryl 'National Treasure' Cole is proud to introduce her little brother Joe. She's headed back to the north wearing a strange skull scarf and cardigan combo. Joe promises to "do it for the Geordies" because this show is all about the regional voting. Joe's dad is propooooosing a toooost, and his Grandma has got everyone in tears, despite being alive and well (sorry Pete). 

Joe is performing Dance With My Father and as always he's doing it perfectly, with a nice little trill before the chorus.  He needs to put a bit of oomph into it though if he wants Simon to give him 'round one'. And that's exactly what he's done - key change, dry ice and a choir that seem to live behind those sliding doors. Hurrah for our little Geordie dynamo. 

Louis predicts Joe's future is going to change. That's Mystic Meg out of a job then. Cheryl's crying, which is a bit of a worry because those eyelashes look like they cost a fortune. Joe looks a little too pleased to have Dermot's arm round his shoulder, but then who could blame him.

Kimberly Walsh just interviewed an unintelligible Geordie who sounded like he was yodelling with a mouthful of Primula cheese spread. I don't have a clue what that was all about, but it's very exciting. Phone lines are open - you know what to do. 

Your Saturday night starts right here

That's right folks. After what seems like an eternity of Cheryl sulking, Dannii waggling her eyebrows (just to prove that she can) and Louis being so in denial that even creationists would tell him to go with the flow, we're finally at the end of series six of the X-Factor. 

p0pvulture will be going live tonight to capture all of the excitement, unimaginative pyrotechnics and tediously. Drawn. Out. Announcements. But before we kick things off, I wanted to honour one man who won't be taking part - Pete Waterman, pop impressario and steam train enthusiast.

Those who've been following TV talent shows since the first Pop Idol will remember that Pete was the originally a regular face on the judging panel. He was there when Popstars: The Rivals created Girls Aloud, when Will Young first backchatted Simon Cowell, and when Michelle McManus put down a jumbo mince pie long enough to romp to victory.

Playing the silver-haired voice of reason (well, compared with Doctor Fox at least) the former Hitman was always on hand to dispense largely indecipherable words of encouragement, But the format soon soured for him. As a fan of pure pop music, he favoured Gareth Gates over Will, he famously backed 'vocal harmony group' One True Voice over Girls Aloud, and rivalled Marjorie Dawes in his distaste for plus-size women.

But despite his long absence from the judges' bench, he can usually be relied upon for a testy, back-in-my-day soundbite, and this week's finale is no exception. He's boldly stated that none of the contestants can expect any kind of longevity in the music business.

Proving that you don't need to know anything to be a self-appointed expert, Waterman bellowed: "I haven't ever seen any of the finalists. I haven't heard them sing. But I can guarantee they all have decent but unremarkable voices, no discernible personalities - and some heart-rending tale to tell about a granny who's died, a distant cousin with a drug habit or some other such sob story."

Which means that he's basing his judgement solely on the jokes that Peter Kay worked into last year's Britain's Got the Pop Factor and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly on Ice, in which Pete starred as himself. 


Then again, I'm not entirely sure that Pete's telling the truth. Summing up his feelings on the matter, he claims "So whoever wins on Saturday - whether it be Olly, Joe or East London's sweet-voiced Stacey - they'll be permitted to release their album. Then they'll retreat into musical oblivion." It sounds to me like Pete's been following the show very closely, but can't bring himself to admit it - like the people who claim they hardly ever watch TV but know the difference between Roxy and Ronnie Mitchell.


It's also funny that Pete can criticise the show for not guaranteeing longevity in the music industry - given that he gave the world Sonia, Sinitta, Hazell Dean, Big Fun, Brother Beyond, The Twins, The Reynolds Girls and Pat & Mick. Pete's basically like the cantankerous uncle who turns up at Christmas and spoils it for everyone else. Someone just needs to give him a nice cup of tea and a copy of the Daily Mail, so he can quietly tut himself off to sleep in an armchair. 

It's time...to face...the music

OK, I thought we'd try the live blog again, since the last one was such a success (i.e. not a success at all). Before we get started, I feel obliged to mention that when it comes to blow-by-blow accounts, nobody does it better than these guys.

Anyway, the show's started, so let's follow their lead. Cheryl's arrived in a dress that should have a Christmas tree hanging out of the bottom of it. No time for that though, they're already up and running with the acts.

First up... it's Rachel.

She's wearing a sweater with shoulder pads and make-up that looks like she just finished a shift spooking people on a ghost-train. The echo chamber is dropping her vocals out on the verses, but the backing dancers from Cats are doing their best to distract the audience. Her voice has a nice gravelly quality, but the song ended just as she was getting started. By the way, someone should point out to Simon that 'mis-underestimated' isn't a real word, unless you live in George W Bush's world.

Good Lord, here come the girls... it's Kandy Rain. They're tasked with 'proving Louis right', which is easier said than done.

Any attempts at encouraging the public to forget that these girls used to be strippers has been thrown out of the window, there's barely a skirt between the four of them. And the vocals have all the tuneful finesse of... well a bunch of strippers who've been asked to keep their clothes on and find some other way of keeping the audience engaged. I'm just glad they didn't try stand-up. Surprisingly, the girls didn't like it, Simon did. Who saw that coming?

Here's Olly. He aspires to be like Robbie - which makes sense, since Robbie's made a career out of being smug and blokey.

Some people shouldn't attempt falsetto, and he's the one. Bit of a silly dance and an annoyingly expectant face, but he warmed up and the vocal got better. Louis' "made the song your own" button must have gotten stuck, we've had it three times and we're not even at the second break. Speaking of which, here's one now...