Here we go. Get ready Britain. I do hope that voiceover man has stocked up on Strepsils - his throat must be red raw. They're going crazy in Dagenham - but then how much else do they have to be excited about? Certainly not the fact that their guest host of Jeff Brazier. Cheryl's looking a bit bemused about being here, like she wandered through a giant wardrobe and found herself on the X-Factor stage.
Tonight the performers will be kicking things off by singing the song from their first audition. Dannii is working a Greek goddess look with her hair, part Athena, part Medusa. And Stacy's still talking like a hyperactive idiot, as though she needs to complete a sentence before the oxygen runs out. She's going back to school, the same school she was allegedly kicked out of when she got pregnant. Here's hoping the homecoming is warmer than her departure.
What a wonderful world, and she's doing it beautifully, although the key change was a little bit ropey. But at least this week she's sitting on a chair rather than trying to walk across a row of them. he's also taken a leaf out of Westlife's book by standing up for the final chorus. Louis loves everything about Stacy (except for her lack of penis perhaps). Simon's steering clear of the percentage references, and Dannii's eyes are twinkling with tears. It's gonna be an emotional night.
That's right folks. After what seems like an eternity of Cheryl sulking, Dannii waggling her eyebrows (just to prove that she can) and Louis being so in denial that even creationists would tell him to go with the flow, we're finally at the end of series six of the X-Factor.
p0pvulture will be going live tonight to capture all of the excitement, unimaginative pyrotechnics and tediously. Drawn. Out. Announcements. But before we kick things off, I wanted to honour one man who won't be taking part - Pete Waterman, pop impressario and steam train enthusiast.
Those who've been following TV talent shows since the first Pop Idol will remember that Pete was the originally a regular face on the judging panel. He was there when Popstars: The Rivals created Girls Aloud, when Will Young first backchatted Simon Cowell, and when Michelle McManus put down a jumbo mince pie long enough to romp to victory.
Playing the silver-haired voice of reason (well, compared with Doctor Fox at least) the former Hitman was always on hand to dispense largely indecipherable words of encouragement, But the format soon soured for him. As a fan of pure pop music, he favoured Gareth Gates over Will, he famously backed 'vocal harmony group' One True Voice over Girls Aloud, and rivalled Marjorie Dawes in his distaste for plus-size women.
But despite his long absence from the judges' bench, he can usually be relied upon for a testy, back-in-my-day soundbite, and this week's finale is no exception. He's boldly stated that none of the contestants can expect any kind of longevity in the music business.
Proving that you don't need to know anything to be a self-appointed expert, Waterman bellowed: "I haven't ever seen any of the finalists. I haven't heard them sing. But I can guarantee they all have decent but unremarkable voices, no discernible personalities - and some heart-rending tale to tell about a granny who's died, a distant cousin with a drug habit or some other such sob story."
Which means that he's basing his judgement solely on the jokes that Peter Kay worked into last year's Britain's Got the Pop Factor and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly on Ice, in which Pete starred as himself.
Then again, I'm not entirely sure that Pete's telling the truth. Summing up his feelings on the matter, he claims "So whoever wins on Saturday - whether it be Olly, Joe or East London's sweet-voiced Stacey - they'll be permitted to release their album. Then they'll retreat into musical oblivion." It sounds to me like Pete's been following the show very closely, but can't bring himself to admit it - like the people who claim they hardly ever watch TV but know the difference between Roxy and Ronnie Mitchell.
It's also funny that Pete can criticise the show for not guaranteeing longevity in the music industry - given that he gave the world Sonia, Sinitta, Hazell Dean, Big Fun, Brother Beyond, The Twins, The Reynolds Girls and Pat & Mick. Pete's basically like the cantankerous uncle who turns up at Christmas and spoils it for everyone else. Someone just needs to give him a nice cup of tea and a copy of the Daily Mail, so he can quietly tut himself off to sleep in an armchair.
