And finally...

Simon looks pretty pleased about introducing One Direction - there's only one guy that they could sing with apparently. Maybe someone who has previous form for rejoining a boyband perhaps? Let's keep our fingers crossed that he remembers his lines this time - Olly Murs isn't here this time to jog his memory.

Note to One Direction: the high notes are the bits where your voice is supposed to go up and take the tune with it. Robbie Williams, he's a hero to all of us apparently. And by the looks of things, he could be moonlighting as a Mel Gibson impersonator. It sounds as awful as you'd expect, so thank goodness the technical crew remembered to trigger the sparkles backstage, otherwise that would have just looked like a Scout leader trying to rouse his boys in a campfire sing-a-long.

"This is going to be a moment in time" warns Cheryl, portentously. Someone should point out that so is going to the toilet or picking up your dry-cleaning. Cher's doing her best rapping, dressed like the French maid duster from Beauty & the Beast. Will.I.Am is here and he's obviously brought a doctor's note to say he has to use Autotune for medical reasons. Cher's shouting along, and jumping up and down, and although it's a lukewarm mess, it's the only duet where the guest star and contestant seem to have any kind of connection.

So now it's time for a little drama, because there's still another half hour to go and we've had all eight performances. The recap shows just how badly Rebecca came off alongside Christina, holding her hand and gazing lovingly at the massive-lunged star. I almost wish she'd gone for a full-scale Alexandra Burke style meltdown instead, at least people would have a chance of remembering her.

Hurrah, it's guest star filler - so here's Rihanna in a stripy dressing gown and earrings she could hula hoop in. She keeps asking the audience 'What's my name?', surely she could just read Dermot's autocue. The dressing gown's gone and now she's dry humping around the stage in a bra and knickers. Just time for another quick plug of her forthcoming tour and she's gone, hopefully to run another strawberry rinse through that hair of hers.

Now it's Christina's turn - she's got a movie to plug, so here she is whoring it up on a cheap recreation of the Burlesque set. We're pushing the boundaries of wholesome family entertainment here, so let's be thankful that it's not Showgirls that she's promoting. Now she's standing on a chair with one high-heeled foot resting on the back - I just hope someone did a full health and safety audit first. This is live TV, so no sense taking unnecessary risks.

The performance is pretty good, but we're really at the outer limits of what constitutes a 'song'. Cue awkward interview with Dermot - she can't hear a thing, and he's asking questions to which he already knows the answers. So it's all a little pointless, except for the helpful pointer that the film's called 'Burlesque', in case the 300 references in the song didn't tip you off.

OK, now it gets serious. Someone's going home, time to find out who it is. Spoiler warning: don't read on if you haven't been watching. Although you're a sucker for punishment if you've read all this without seeing the show. Anyway, someone who isn't One Direction, Rebecca or Matt is leaving us tonight. If nothing else, at least Cher's time on the X-Factor has taught her how to draw on her eyebrows properly. See - every cloud and all that.

Dermot cheekily thanked her for not crying and being graceful (for a change). Let's see who he can piss off tomorrow night. Thanks for watching with me...

It's the end of the road for...

Who needs Tiny Tim and his polio-ridden festive cheer, when you've got Robbie William shouting out "God bless you X-Factor"? The problem with Robbie's songs is that even the good ones just sound like a song you already know - it's familiar but strange, rather like Robbie himself. Prince Harry's in the audience and gave Robbie a standing ovation. I surprised he knows how.

Here we go - who's made the final two? Stacey looks like she's glad they left the back on her dress - she's carrying a load. Joe's inspecting his shoes. Dramatic...................... pause from Dermot. Now Joe's looking for his contact lens down Cheryl's top.

Well, it's the end of Stacey's journey. She's grinning like a lunatic - maybe someone needs to explain what just happened. Bless her, she's actually very gracious in defeat, and I'm sure we'll be seeing her again. Maybe she can follow Will Young onto the panel of Question Time?

That's your lot. Thanks for reading tonight, hope you enjoyed the show.

Part 3 - in 3-D (may not work with some older models)

Welcome back to part three of tonight's live X-Factor coverage, thank you for reading. Stacy's 'Feeling Good' and she's wearing a much nicer outfit this time. Her bits were a bit flat, so here's Michael Buble to show her how it's done. It seems to have worked because she's doing much better now that he's given her something pretty to look at. All things considered it was a pretty good performance, but all her sophistication went out the window when she stopped singing to introduce La Bubble to the stage. 


Now it's Olly's turn, and he's singing Angels. I can't for the life of me imagine who the surprise guest might be. Anyone got any ideas? Gosh, I'm on the edge of my seat wondering who it might be. Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this (sarcasm) - it's Robbie. His eyes are regular sized this time, which is a relief. Olly just said "Go on mate" as though Robbie needed his permission to continue. Their voices are similar. Not necessarily a great thing, but then taste is subjective. Robbie has a touch of the pinkeye, and needs to go easy on the fake tan, but he seems happy enough. 


Joe doesn't want your the son sun to go down on him. George Michael has dragged himself away from the heath long enough to belt it out with the Geordie wunderkid. The harmonies are working well, and if Joe doesn't win, then it's clearly a global conspiracy and the authorities need to get involved. 

You shall go to stage school...

With the remake of Fame limbering up and practicing its demi-pliés in the wings, a whole new generation of unexploded talent bombs are all set to have their fuses lit. So thank goodness for Jonathan Wilkes, who's prepared to guide them through the fickle world of fame.

Don't worry, you're forgiven for not instantly recognising Wilkes. After all, his own contribution to the world of entertainment is equivalent to the contribution of old magazines to dentistry. In fact, do a Google image search for Jonathan and the first thing you'll be struck by how many of the results are actually about his best friend, Robbie Williams. The two lived together for a while, and it didn't take long for the benefits of Robbie's superstar lifestyle to rub off on his less fortunate comrade.

Bonding like a pair of boarding school brethen, the inseparable twosome shared studio time with songwriter Guy Chambers, duetted on stage while Robbie was on tour, and played in a number of high profile celebrity football games, although I'd like to think that they stopped short of decorating digestive biscuits together.

All the while Jonathan built on his formative years' experience, headlining his own end-of-the-pier style show at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, by plugging away as a modern day 'variety' entertainer. In the process he enjoyed such towering highlights as a number 24 'hit' single, guest appearances on Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, and three years filling the Matterhorn-sized hole left by Lisa Riley as the host of You've Been Framed.

So if anyone can teach impressionable kids how to scale the giddy heights of celebrity, it's Jonathan (available for pantomime) Wilkes. Opening their performing arts school in the notorious epicentre of talent that is Swindon, Jonathan and his wife Nikki hope to "instill good values into the kids who come along." As Jonathan rightly says, "Whenever you ask kids what they want to do when they grow up they all say they want to be famous - they want to be a celebrity. They want to put in as little work as possible but make as much money as they can and that's not the way to achieve longevity in the business." He's right, you also need to be friends with the right people.