Let's get serious

OK, that's enough introductory bullshit, it's time to do some singing. It's the boys, so let's give a warm welcome to Matt Cardle. Someone decided that lemon slacks were a good idea. This viewer remains unconvinced. He's singing Katy Perry's 'Firework', which even she struggles to perform live, and he's really straining to reach those notes with his sore throat. It's also becoming increasingly clear why he wears that little army cap so often - the local chemists have obviously run out of Rogaine.

Matt says "There's no real words to describe how it would feel to win" - so perhaps he should make some up. I'm sure Simon could help with that, given his love of the non-word 'misunderestimated'. There's an ad for L'Oreal's hair colour range featuring Cheryl Cole, finally answering the question "Why does Cheryl look like Ronald McDonald?" from earlier in the series.

Now it's time to hear from One Direction, for whom a more apt name would be Five Melodies. Simon has admitted that it wouldn't change his life if the boys won the X-Factor. Let's be honest, it'd barely change his evening. They're having a go at Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, and Zain got a whole line to himself, presumably because he was looking a little bored at the end of the line-up.

They're clapping now, although not really in time with one another. Make that two lines for Zain, who actually lowered his microphone before they'd finished singing. Once again Louis is on hand to point out that they're in the final - thanks for that, you irrelevant little Irish tit.

Cheryl introduces Rebecca as "the girl we've all taken to our hearts", despite the fact that she only had eyes for Cher. Of course, now she says she really wants Rebecca to win - better late than never. Rebecca's doing a sinister, slowed-down version of Sweet Dreams, although it quickly picks up into proper electro-thumper.

There's still no dancing, but perhaps her shoes are just really heavy. It's also quite a good arrangement, managing to make it sound contemporary, whilst also bringing out the soul elements of the song that were less obvious in the Eurythmics' original. I think Rebecca's finally in it to win it.

And finally...

Simon looks pretty pleased about introducing One Direction - there's only one guy that they could sing with apparently. Maybe someone who has previous form for rejoining a boyband perhaps? Let's keep our fingers crossed that he remembers his lines this time - Olly Murs isn't here this time to jog his memory.

Note to One Direction: the high notes are the bits where your voice is supposed to go up and take the tune with it. Robbie Williams, he's a hero to all of us apparently. And by the looks of things, he could be moonlighting as a Mel Gibson impersonator. It sounds as awful as you'd expect, so thank goodness the technical crew remembered to trigger the sparkles backstage, otherwise that would have just looked like a Scout leader trying to rouse his boys in a campfire sing-a-long.

"This is going to be a moment in time" warns Cheryl, portentously. Someone should point out that so is going to the toilet or picking up your dry-cleaning. Cher's doing her best rapping, dressed like the French maid duster from Beauty & the Beast. Will.I.Am is here and he's obviously brought a doctor's note to say he has to use Autotune for medical reasons. Cher's shouting along, and jumping up and down, and although it's a lukewarm mess, it's the only duet where the guest star and contestant seem to have any kind of connection.

So now it's time for a little drama, because there's still another half hour to go and we've had all eight performances. The recap shows just how badly Rebecca came off alongside Christina, holding her hand and gazing lovingly at the massive-lunged star. I almost wish she'd gone for a full-scale Alexandra Burke style meltdown instead, at least people would have a chance of remembering her.

Hurrah, it's guest star filler - so here's Rihanna in a stripy dressing gown and earrings she could hula hoop in. She keeps asking the audience 'What's my name?', surely she could just read Dermot's autocue. The dressing gown's gone and now she's dry humping around the stage in a bra and knickers. Just time for another quick plug of her forthcoming tour and she's gone, hopefully to run another strawberry rinse through that hair of hers.

Now it's Christina's turn - she's got a movie to plug, so here she is whoring it up on a cheap recreation of the Burlesque set. We're pushing the boundaries of wholesome family entertainment here, so let's be thankful that it's not Showgirls that she's promoting. Now she's standing on a chair with one high-heeled foot resting on the back - I just hope someone did a full health and safety audit first. This is live TV, so no sense taking unnecessary risks.

The performance is pretty good, but we're really at the outer limits of what constitutes a 'song'. Cue awkward interview with Dermot - she can't hear a thing, and he's asking questions to which he already knows the answers. So it's all a little pointless, except for the helpful pointer that the film's called 'Burlesque', in case the 300 references in the song didn't tip you off.

OK, now it gets serious. Someone's going home, time to find out who it is. Spoiler warning: don't read on if you haven't been watching. Although you're a sucker for punishment if you've read all this without seeing the show. Anyway, someone who isn't One Direction, Rebecca or Matt is leaving us tonight. If nothing else, at least Cher's time on the X-Factor has taught her how to draw on her eyebrows properly. See - every cloud and all that.

Dermot cheekily thanked her for not crying and being graceful (for a change). Let's see who he can piss off tomorrow night. Thanks for watching with me...

Giving it 1000 percent

Wow - hats off to Simon. He hasn't just learned his group's names, he even knows their hometowns. Unless he's just reading off an autocue. He wouldn't cheat like that, would he? One Direction are taking their Justin Bieber tribute act on the road, visiting their respective schools and creating the kind of tweenage excitement normally reserved for Robert Pattinson's sparkle face. I've just realised that Harry's mum looks younger than me, making me officially 'too old for this shit'.

Zain went to HMV in Bradford, which was full of screaming girls with blue lips. I don't know whether this is a fashion statement or a sign of how cold Bradford in December can get. Simon's joined them for their evening gig, and he's still got that annoying habit of self-importantly starting every sentence with "I've got to say this..." and ending it with "seriously". And who would dare argue?

The boys are stumbling their way through Elton John's 'Your Song'. All the dramatic drum rolls in the world can't disguise the fact that their timing's off. And the harmonies aren't really coming together, they're barely even singing the lyrics at the same time, never mind the same tune. You know that slight delay you get when the TV's on in two different rooms, one terrestrial and one digital? Well it sounds a bit like that. Epic.

Louis has singled out Niall for the Irish vote. So fuck you Bradford and Doncaster. And Simon has credited the boys with giving it 1000 percent. If we were playing the X-Factor drinking game I'd already be shit-faced. On second thoughts, I wish I was. As we head into another break, Dermot tells us that "Cher will be on this stage" in a few minutes. I don't know why, but that sounds like a threat.

"Prepare to be entertained" grins Cheryl - I guess now is as good a time as any. Cher went to a primary school, which looked a little odd. I'm not used to seeing five year-olds rocking out to R&B mash-ups, perhaps Cher's not as edgy as she thinks.

She's started out on the judges' table, like an unruly child who's been freebasing the icing sugar. There's not much melody going on, and although she might be achingly contemporary, I can't see too many phone voters mashing their keypads in excitement at this.

Louis just told Cher "Hey, you're in the final." Because I'm sure that fact had escaped her notice. Dannii gave her a stern warning on how to conduct herself - i.e. don't go threatening the crew with teaspoons. Meanwhile, Simon has been borrowing Cheryl's script notes to tell Cher that she "smashed it". In Malvern, we're introduced to Cher's headteacher who apparently "knew this day would come". Either he's a soothsayer or his calender has a December 11th on it, same as mine.