Let's get serious

OK, that's enough introductory bullshit, it's time to do some singing. It's the boys, so let's give a warm welcome to Matt Cardle. Someone decided that lemon slacks were a good idea. This viewer remains unconvinced. He's singing Katy Perry's 'Firework', which even she struggles to perform live, and he's really straining to reach those notes with his sore throat. It's also becoming increasingly clear why he wears that little army cap so often - the local chemists have obviously run out of Rogaine.

Matt says "There's no real words to describe how it would feel to win" - so perhaps he should make some up. I'm sure Simon could help with that, given his love of the non-word 'misunderestimated'. There's an ad for L'Oreal's hair colour range featuring Cheryl Cole, finally answering the question "Why does Cheryl look like Ronald McDonald?" from earlier in the series.

Now it's time to hear from One Direction, for whom a more apt name would be Five Melodies. Simon has admitted that it wouldn't change his life if the boys won the X-Factor. Let's be honest, it'd barely change his evening. They're having a go at Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, and Zain got a whole line to himself, presumably because he was looking a little bored at the end of the line-up.

They're clapping now, although not really in time with one another. Make that two lines for Zain, who actually lowered his microphone before they'd finished singing. Once again Louis is on hand to point out that they're in the final - thanks for that, you irrelevant little Irish tit.

Cheryl introduces Rebecca as "the girl we've all taken to our hearts", despite the fact that she only had eyes for Cher. Of course, now she says she really wants Rebecca to win - better late than never. Rebecca's doing a sinister, slowed-down version of Sweet Dreams, although it quickly picks up into proper electro-thumper.

There's still no dancing, but perhaps her shoes are just really heavy. It's also quite a good arrangement, managing to make it sound contemporary, whilst also bringing out the soul elements of the song that were less obvious in the Eurythmics' original. I think Rebecca's finally in it to win it.

Bring on the celebrities

It's time for the celebrity duets. Here's Matt speaking in very oblique terms about "this person" as though the world and its uncle doesn't already know that Rihanna is going to be joining him onstage. The fact that he's singing a Rihanna song might also be a clue. He's struggling with some of the high notes, and sounds very reedy. So at least they'll be well matched.

To be honest, it's less of a duet and more a case of two people taking it in turns to sing bits of a song. I wonder whether they maybe had all of ten minutes to rehearse that. And Rihanna's dress was split so high you could see the tattoo on her neck.

Let's see if Rebecca and Christina Aguilera can do better. The problem is, Christina is a belter, and Rebecca's a slow burner - it'll be interesting to see if Aggie can reign it in sufficiently to let our Liverpool lass stand out. Rebecca's wearing a beautiful gown, ruined by the fact that she's topped it off with a weird shoulder thing that looks like she snatched it from an Incan drag queen.

Christina's growling like a junkyard dog, albeit one with an enormous pair of new boobs. Rebecca faded into the background there, like she was on hand to hold Christina's coat. And Christina just let the cat out of the bag about how much preparation time was involved in these duets - they only met today. So it's no surprise that they wandered off the stage looking like they hadn't yet learned each other's names.

Your weekend starts here

Hello and welcome to the live X-Factor blog. The indoor fireworks have been charged, function rooms around the country have been filled with rowdy crowds hopped up on WKD, and the judges are all here in their evening finery.

Dermot's doing his opening spiel and leaving those... awkward pauses... between bits of his script. First up, it's the final sixteen lip-synching badly to one of the most covered songs of all time - What A Feeling. Everyone sounds great, but that's because these vocals were obviously recorded weeks ago. I tell a lie - Cher's bit is live, because she sounds shouty and flat on her contractually obliged rap element.

Rebecca sounded fantastic singing something with more than 11 beats-per-minute, Matt less so, struggling with his lower register and the crushing embarrassment of covering Irene Cara on a Saturday evening TV show. And then there was One Direction, wearing an eclectic variety of neon pain splashes, like they came here straight from their weekend job at the B&Q mixing counter.

Lines are already open, before anyone's given a single performance, so here's Dermot to rattle through the numbers. I guess we're going to be hearing those numbers a few more times before the evening's out. Hurrah, it's an ad break already, so we can see what JLS and Jedward get up to when they're at home with a Wii.

Tonight's first performance will be by Matt - Dannii's introduction reminded us that he's a painter/decorator first, and a singer second. He's been home to Colchester wearing his favourite hat. I'm hoping that he's going to be confronted by an angry homeowner still waiting for a second coat in his extension. His dad's getting all choked up saying "I never gave up" - is that a knock at Matt's supposed laziness?

Matt's got his acoustic guitar out and he's strumming for his life, singing Dido's 'Here With Me'. He sounds fantastic, but then he always does when he takes a woman's song and 'makes it his own'. It's nice to hear this song performed by someone who can actually sing for a change. He's being supported by a troupe of violin players wearing spooky veils over their faces. Surely that must interfere with their playing? Wouldn't a pork-pie hat be more appropriate head-gear?

Dannii gave him a standing ovation, and Louis is stating that Matt absolutely has to be in the final. Dannii's thanked him for all his hard work, which must be the first time he's heard those words. Matt still seems to have a cold - he's coughing into his prayer hands. They just attempted a live link to Colchester, where excitable Queen of the Jungle Stacey Solomon managed to screech incoherently into a microphone, while the camera crew forgot to film what was happening. Ah, professionalism, you can't beat it.

Up next, it's Rebecca. She's from Liverpool you know. I hadn't realised, they kept that very quiet. She's still as dull but likeable as always, lots of tears and inspiring comments along the lines of "You can be whatever you want to be." Cheryl's loving the chance to see where Rebecca's 'come from', even though it's pretty much the same kind of background that she herself came from. Nice to know our Cheryl's still got her feet on the ground.

Rebecca's standing on giant hat box again - at least it gives her an excuse for not moving around. Her hair is enormous, which isn't her best look, but she sounds as good as always. The song is boring and tuneless, so let's allow ourselves to be distracted by the men who are slowly rotating her, like she's riding the world's slowest roundabout. Louis wants everyone in Liverpool to vote for Rebecca - can somebody replace his batteries please, because he just keeps repeating the same line? Unfortunate close-up on Rebecca there - she's so shiny, like they applied her make-up with floor-sander.

Colleen Rooney is in Liverpool screeching at a bunch of bemused-looking Scousers and showcasing her presenting skills. I think Joan Bakewell's job is safe for now.