Let's get serious

OK, that's enough introductory bullshit, it's time to do some singing. It's the boys, so let's give a warm welcome to Matt Cardle. Someone decided that lemon slacks were a good idea. This viewer remains unconvinced. He's singing Katy Perry's 'Firework', which even she struggles to perform live, and he's really straining to reach those notes with his sore throat. It's also becoming increasingly clear why he wears that little army cap so often - the local chemists have obviously run out of Rogaine.

Matt says "There's no real words to describe how it would feel to win" - so perhaps he should make some up. I'm sure Simon could help with that, given his love of the non-word 'misunderestimated'. There's an ad for L'Oreal's hair colour range featuring Cheryl Cole, finally answering the question "Why does Cheryl look like Ronald McDonald?" from earlier in the series.

Now it's time to hear from One Direction, for whom a more apt name would be Five Melodies. Simon has admitted that it wouldn't change his life if the boys won the X-Factor. Let's be honest, it'd barely change his evening. They're having a go at Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, and Zain got a whole line to himself, presumably because he was looking a little bored at the end of the line-up.

They're clapping now, although not really in time with one another. Make that two lines for Zain, who actually lowered his microphone before they'd finished singing. Once again Louis is on hand to point out that they're in the final - thanks for that, you irrelevant little Irish tit.

Cheryl introduces Rebecca as "the girl we've all taken to our hearts", despite the fact that she only had eyes for Cher. Of course, now she says she really wants Rebecca to win - better late than never. Rebecca's doing a sinister, slowed-down version of Sweet Dreams, although it quickly picks up into proper electro-thumper.

There's still no dancing, but perhaps her shoes are just really heavy. It's also quite a good arrangement, managing to make it sound contemporary, whilst also bringing out the soul elements of the song that were less obvious in the Eurythmics' original. I think Rebecca's finally in it to win it.

Bring on the celebrities

It's time for the celebrity duets. Here's Matt speaking in very oblique terms about "this person" as though the world and its uncle doesn't already know that Rihanna is going to be joining him onstage. The fact that he's singing a Rihanna song might also be a clue. He's struggling with some of the high notes, and sounds very reedy. So at least they'll be well matched.

To be honest, it's less of a duet and more a case of two people taking it in turns to sing bits of a song. I wonder whether they maybe had all of ten minutes to rehearse that. And Rihanna's dress was split so high you could see the tattoo on her neck.

Let's see if Rebecca and Christina Aguilera can do better. The problem is, Christina is a belter, and Rebecca's a slow burner - it'll be interesting to see if Aggie can reign it in sufficiently to let our Liverpool lass stand out. Rebecca's wearing a beautiful gown, ruined by the fact that she's topped it off with a weird shoulder thing that looks like she snatched it from an Incan drag queen.

Christina's growling like a junkyard dog, albeit one with an enormous pair of new boobs. Rebecca faded into the background there, like she was on hand to hold Christina's coat. And Christina just let the cat out of the bag about how much preparation time was involved in these duets - they only met today. So it's no surprise that they wandered off the stage looking like they hadn't yet learned each other's names.