It's the end of the road for...

Who needs Tiny Tim and his polio-ridden festive cheer, when you've got Robbie William shouting out "God bless you X-Factor"? The problem with Robbie's songs is that even the good ones just sound like a song you already know - it's familiar but strange, rather like Robbie himself. Prince Harry's in the audience and gave Robbie a standing ovation. I surprised he knows how.

Here we go - who's made the final two? Stacey looks like she's glad they left the back on her dress - she's carrying a load. Joe's inspecting his shoes. Dramatic...................... pause from Dermot. Now Joe's looking for his contact lens down Cheryl's top.

Well, it's the end of Stacey's journey. She's grinning like a lunatic - maybe someone needs to explain what just happened. Bless her, she's actually very gracious in defeat, and I'm sure we'll be seeing her again. Maybe she can follow Will Young onto the panel of Question Time?

That's your lot. Thanks for reading tonight, hope you enjoyed the show.

We're on the home straight

Stacey (I decided to spell her name correctly for a change) has just belted out 'Who Wants To Live Forever' which was one of her better performances from earlier in the series. She looks like she's been raiding Cheryl's wardrobe, with a long flowing dress that's been cut away at the front to show off her legs. Must be cold up there with the wind machine turned up to 11. She'll have quite a draft up her gusset.

Quick, let's go back to Dagenham and hear a bunch of BNP voters screaming Stacey's name. These location visits are really painful - surely we could lose them and shave a bit off the unnecessary running time.

Despite the fact that Robbie Williams joked about Simon's poor grasp on percentages, King Flathead has just introduced Olly with the promise of 150 percent. Louis has admitted he finds Olly sexy. Now there's an image that'll be scorched onto my retinas for aeons. The judges don't seem particularly convinced that Olly will be in the final. Maybe it's because the performances are bigger than the voice, and we do like a belter on these shows. 

Joe is really working the Elton John songbook tonight, but if it ain't broke don't go jamming a screwdriver in it. The falsetto isn't really working, but the rest of it is so good I doubt anyone will notice. It felt a little downbeat, perhaps the choir got stuck behind that malfunctioning door. I hope they're alright.

Part 3 - in 3-D (may not work with some older models)

Welcome back to part three of tonight's live X-Factor coverage, thank you for reading. Stacy's 'Feeling Good' and she's wearing a much nicer outfit this time. Her bits were a bit flat, so here's Michael Buble to show her how it's done. It seems to have worked because she's doing much better now that he's given her something pretty to look at. All things considered it was a pretty good performance, but all her sophistication went out the window when she stopped singing to introduce La Bubble to the stage. 


Now it's Olly's turn, and he's singing Angels. I can't for the life of me imagine who the surprise guest might be. Anyone got any ideas? Gosh, I'm on the edge of my seat wondering who it might be. Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this (sarcasm) - it's Robbie. His eyes are regular sized this time, which is a relief. Olly just said "Go on mate" as though Robbie needed his permission to continue. Their voices are similar. Not necessarily a great thing, but then taste is subjective. Robbie has a touch of the pinkeye, and needs to go easy on the fake tan, but he seems happy enough. 


Joe doesn't want your the son sun to go down on him. George Michael has dragged himself away from the heath long enough to belt it out with the Geordie wunderkid. The harmonies are working well, and if Joe doesn't win, then it's clearly a global conspiracy and the authorities need to get involved. 

X-Factor Live Finals, part 2

Welcome back. It's Rickayyyyyyyy!

Oh my God, he isn't wearing a hat - despite going through an entire milliner's stock in the opening VT. He has to 'connect' with the audience, which apparently means opening his eyes. Oh, I spoke too soon. Here comes the hat. He's going back to black, and making me wish that Amy Winehouse would speed up her recovery. It's OK, but he looks like a marionette missing the strings. Simon didn't like it, maybe he's trying to make him cry. Again. Cheryl's "reyt" behind him, which must be quite a relief. Last time a 'jazzy young Scot' appeared on this stage, we ended up with Leon Jackson, and we all know how that turned out.

Hello Stacey - you still can't believe it can you?

She's rambling at Robbie and he's looking a bit scared. The stylists have made her look about ten years older, and all the subtlety of her voice has disappeared into a muddy mix. The high notes are nice but it's not quite hanging together. She seems so sweet and humble, I'd like to see her chew the head off a live animal, just to show that she can. Simon is using the word 'potentially' - what's the betting we'll hear that again before the night is over? Oh, we just did.