Stop right now, thank you very much

George Santayana famously said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." As a philosopher and poet, he was most likely speaking about war or the subjugation of human rights. But his powerful words are just as prescient when applied to the horrifying threat of another imminent Spice Girls reunion.

If you're feeling a sense of deja vu, in addition to creeping pernicious dread, it's probably because we've been here before. Only two years ago (although it feels like much, much longer) the rowdy fivesome congregated at the 02 arena to bellow their plans to reconquer the world all over again, having buried the hatchet once and for all.

They maintained that any animosity was just water under the bridge, and they were as tight as they'd been when they first started out, looking like a bunch of badly-styled ASBO-dodgers on their way to a hen night in Chigwell.

Proving that people are willing to buy the same old shit if it comes in nicer packaging, one million people tried to get hold of tickets for the official comeback concert, which sold out in 38 seconds. Having successfully thrown the chum into the waters and inspired a feeding frenzy, the cartoonish coven released tickets for an entire world tour and announced their plans for a big comeback single.

Unfortunately, the single was a bit of a flop, with record shops lumbered with crates of unsold copies of 'Headlines'. Likewise, backstage backstabbing led to the 'girls' (a term currently being investigated under the trades descriptions act) taking an early bath.

Officially, they claimed that family commitments were the reason for them cancelling dates in Australia, China, South Africa and Argentina, but the press reported that relations between the quarrelsome quintet were about as cordial as the Sugababes Christmas party. Gigs were scrapped, tickets refunded and fans royally pissed off. By this point, the entire world was hoping that the girls would limp off into the sunset like a mortally wounded animal in cheap leopard-print.

So it's with a palpable sense of dread that we now find ourselves contemplating the possibility of a second Spice Girls reunion. The reason for such a counter-intuitive occurrence is unclear, except to say that all five must be pretty bored now.

Victoria Beckham occasionally oils herself up to pose for Armani, Mel B has been living in a council house with a camera crew, and Geri Halliwell must have realised that Ugenia Lavender books only take up half an hour of your time, especially when you have a willing ghost-writer at your beck and call.

With Girls Aloud, The Saturdays and Girls Can't Catch currently restoring some essential credibility to the much maligned girl-group genre, maybe it's appropriate for the the grand-dames of girl-pop to give it one last go and remind them all how it's done. Because let's face it, if you're going to bicker, bitch and claw each other's eyes out, you want to be sure you're doing it like a pro.