Stating the obvious

In an interview with cosmetic dentistry's coffee-table magazine-of-choice Harper's Bazaar, Victoria Beckham has finally admitted what the rest of the world knew long ago.


The stick-thin airbag tester has finally issued a mea culpa for anyone who had the misfortune to overhear her attempt at a solo career, admitting that her singing career was a mistake.


Displaying a momentary flash of self-awareness, Victoria told the magazine "People never believed the solo singing career, and it wasn't the real me." That slapping sound you can hear is the inventor of Auto-Tune hitting his forehead in despair. After all, 'Easy V' (as she was christened in the Spice Girls' debut single Wannabe) has a voice that makes ex-bandmate Geri Halliwell sound like Dame Kiri Te Kanawa. 


It's not all bad news though, as Victoria joyously reveals that she's finally where she belongs - although weirdly, that's not an eating disorder clinic. Apparently, the world of fashion has embraced Victoria to its bony ribcage and applauded her love of corsetry and boning. Steady now. 


Like all fashion icons, Victoria's look is evolving over time. Her latest image breakthrough is something she calls a 'smile'. Ever the innovator, the po-faced pugil stick claims "I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile." Much like her voice, that isn't really a voice. 

Stop right now, thank you very much

George Santayana famously said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." As a philosopher and poet, he was most likely speaking about war or the subjugation of human rights. But his powerful words are just as prescient when applied to the horrifying threat of another imminent Spice Girls reunion.

If you're feeling a sense of deja vu, in addition to creeping pernicious dread, it's probably because we've been here before. Only two years ago (although it feels like much, much longer) the rowdy fivesome congregated at the 02 arena to bellow their plans to reconquer the world all over again, having buried the hatchet once and for all.

They maintained that any animosity was just water under the bridge, and they were as tight as they'd been when they first started out, looking like a bunch of badly-styled ASBO-dodgers on their way to a hen night in Chigwell.

Proving that people are willing to buy the same old shit if it comes in nicer packaging, one million people tried to get hold of tickets for the official comeback concert, which sold out in 38 seconds. Having successfully thrown the chum into the waters and inspired a feeding frenzy, the cartoonish coven released tickets for an entire world tour and announced their plans for a big comeback single.

Unfortunately, the single was a bit of a flop, with record shops lumbered with crates of unsold copies of 'Headlines'. Likewise, backstage backstabbing led to the 'girls' (a term currently being investigated under the trades descriptions act) taking an early bath.

Officially, they claimed that family commitments were the reason for them cancelling dates in Australia, China, South Africa and Argentina, but the press reported that relations between the quarrelsome quintet were about as cordial as the Sugababes Christmas party. Gigs were scrapped, tickets refunded and fans royally pissed off. By this point, the entire world was hoping that the girls would limp off into the sunset like a mortally wounded animal in cheap leopard-print.

So it's with a palpable sense of dread that we now find ourselves contemplating the possibility of a second Spice Girls reunion. The reason for such a counter-intuitive occurrence is unclear, except to say that all five must be pretty bored now.

Victoria Beckham occasionally oils herself up to pose for Armani, Mel B has been living in a council house with a camera crew, and Geri Halliwell must have realised that Ugenia Lavender books only take up half an hour of your time, especially when you have a willing ghost-writer at your beck and call.

With Girls Aloud, The Saturdays and Girls Can't Catch currently restoring some essential credibility to the much maligned girl-group genre, maybe it's appropriate for the the grand-dames of girl-pop to give it one last go and remind them all how it's done. Because let's face it, if you're going to bicker, bitch and claw each other's eyes out, you want to be sure you're doing it like a pro.

Magnanimous: showing nobility of feeling and generosity of mind

Great news everybody. Geri Halliwell, currently representing the 'W' in 'singer-actress-whatever', has announced that she has no plans to return to pop music in the near future.

As the world removes its collective earplugs the way a Gitmo prisoner might throw off his shackles, we can celebrate instead the fact that she's going to be writing more Ugenia Lavender books.

And what's the reason for this remarkable declaration? It can't possibly be the fact that her last album only sold around 11 copies. No, speaking to Red Magazine, Geri says "Everybody has their moment and their time. Let somebody else have a crack at it. There are younger people around now." Quite right – indeed, Dame Vera Lynn is no doubt practicing her scales now the competition's stood down.

Geri's also fully aware of the harsh nature of fame, having spent 12 years on the sharp end of it. "I didn't want to have to stay young in order to sell records. And I didn't want to have to rely on my looks." Probably just as well...

Still, she can feel good about the fact that she has found her niche and is making the most of it. After all, she understands that she's a "natural communicator, a storyteller." I can't disagree, given that she spent the last decade actually answering to the job description: 'singer-songwriter'.