Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Family values

Say hello to Jim Bob (seriously) Duggar, and his wife Michelle, owner of the most prolific non-rodent uterus in existence. This nauseatingly sanctimonious couple are household names in the States, thanks to the fact that their family needs a school bus to visit the supermarket.

In the last 21 years, Michelle has squeezed out an astonishing 18 children (although to be honest, the last five or six could have crawled out of their own accord). And it doesn't stop there, as the proud parents announced recently that Michelle is expecting a nineteenth bundle of joy, due in March of next year.

Whether you want to gawp at the ridiculousness of their situation, or simply marvel at how smug some people can be, your prayers are answered thanks to TV shows on the Discovery Health Channel and The Learning Channel. Featuring such high-points as the kids having their wisdom teeth removed, and Michelle undergoing a C-section for baby number 15, the shows have positioned the Duggars as the clean-living, scandal-free version of the Gosselins (currently undergoing a bitter divorce).

Showing a tremendous lack of creativity, the Duggar's have also chosen to give every one of their children a name beginning with the letter J. Unfortunately, this causes a number of problems - twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah sound like characters from Children of the Corn, and daughter Jinger will forever have to spell her name over the phone. More importantly, the sameness of the names means that even Michelle had trouble remembering who was who in a recent appearance on The View.

Jim Bob and Michelle are deliriously happy with their vast litter, and dedicate whole sections of their website to giving viewers the inside track on how they function as a family. Unsurprisingly, home schooling and extensive Bible study takes up the majority of the day, interspersed with regular tidy-up sessions. Here, an older child and their 'buddy' have responsibility for their jurisdiction - which is either the name of one of the other siblings or a pre-designated section of the vast 7,000 sq ft homestead.

According to the plentiful pictures on the family's website, the children lead a happy existence, with slides, playrooms and even an indoor climbing wall. But you have to wonder how effectively they're being prepared for the outside world when their education on law, science, medicine and history is based on the Wisdom Booklets of the ATIA curriculum.

Thankfully though, the family is well-provided for, thanks to Jim Bob's commercial property investments - which is good since it's doubtful the Duggars will produce any doctors, scientists or lawyers. And let's not forget the considerable sum of money that the Duggar's make from inviting the Discovery and TLC cameras into their fun-packed home.

However you feel about home-schooling or professional baby-making, you can't deny that the Duggar's seem like a happy bunch. They clearly believe that the good Lord has blessed them and they listen to his every instruction. Maybe, just maybe, if we all pray hard enough, they might also consider listening to a hairdresser. After all, miracles can happen.


  1. This makes me feel sick. Pass me the bucket. No, for god's sake, not that one.

  2. Property investment + professional babymaking. I'm surprised they haven't gone into surrogacy...

    Wouldn't you think they'd pick better names on the J page of names?