Sometimes I despair for my country. I can't think of a nation that celebrates and endorses mediocrity quite as well as the UK. Would any other nation rally round a piss poor tennis player or a short-sighted ski jumper unfamiliar with snow, who flew with all the grace of a lobbed brick. Likewise, when a competition takes place on TV, we think it's a good idea to root, not only for the underdog, but the shittest competitor. After Jon Sergeant-gate gripped the nation, I thought we might all take a reality check and remind ourselves that competitions are supposed to identify the most talented. But no. As ITV's Dancing on Ice spirals to its inevitable conclusion, we face the extraordinary likelihood of Coleen Nolan being hoisted into the rigging on invisible wires for the final. Don't get me wrong, Coleen seems quite likeable, if a little half-hearted. But I just don't get why the British public seem to enjoy keeping the inescapably hopeless in talent contests. I foolishly thought that we'd seen an end to all that when we bade farewell to Todd Carty, when in fact he simply bequeathed his status of 'most shit' to the dumpy Coleen.
I know it's only Dancing on Ice - it's not like anyone died. But look back at other shows and you see a worrying pattern emerge. Eoghan Quinn. The MacDonald Brothers. What is it with us? And who picks up the phone to vote for these hopeless shitheads? Do they think they're being ironic? Or do they genuinely enjoy watching someone perform with all the talent and finesse of farting pig?
Anyway, rant over. Just remember, next time some god-awful TV presenter reads out a list of torturous puns imploring you to vote for your favourite, please remember that some people have to sit through this shit week after week, and would rather be entertained than mortified.
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