Down at heel

Poor, poor Chantelle Houghton. All she ever wanted to be was a celebrity. Unfortunately, she was born without any distinguishing characteristics or special talents. She's not even particularly attractive, looking like Paris Hilton in a funhouse mirror. Still, in this day and age, unremarkable mediocrity need not be a barrier to fame. So Chantelle entered Celebrity Big Brother as a non-celebrity, and emerged the biggest celebrity of all, simply by virtue of not being a celebrity. Honestly, it's all so meta it hurts.

Whilst inside the Big Brother compound she fell in Love (copyright OK Magazine) with Preston from the Ordinary Boys, and was soon engaged. Unfortunately, the marriage lasted about as long as mayonnaise on a warm afternoon. Chantelle picked herself up and did what any heartbroken divorcee would do, she got a ridiculous boob-job and painted herself orange. Thankfully, Cupid was only taking a quick comfort break and soon Chantelle was back in a serious (worth talking about to the glossies) relationship. With a footballer no less. Sadly, this wasn't to be either, as she gave Jermain Defoe the red card last month after spotting a picture of another girl on his mobile phone. They'd been together four and a half months - do they make a card for that?

Anyway, she's seen the error of her ways. She told the News of the World "Expensive shoes don't make you happy, they really don't." Wise words indeed. "Most of these WAGs used to have nothing and now have their expensive bags, tans and outfits." Good lord, it's like Germaine Greer with a double D-cup. Apparently, to Chantelle, monogamy and trust are where it's at. And yet... "One day they'll wake up as a 40-year-old and think: 'I've got a whole house of Louboutins and Jimmy Choos but I'm not happy'." Now, isn't this a case of the 'lady' (sorry, mean) protesting too much? The fact that she has to go back and list the specific shoe brands she has in mind, suggests that she's missing the platform peep-toes more than the guy who bought them for her.

Still, she's emerged from the experience older and wiser, vowing to turn her back on the WAG lifestyle. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before Medicins Sans Frontiers' phone starts ringing.