The Devil And The Details

There’s been a lot of speculation in the right wing press about the veracity of HBO’s docudrama Game Change, ever since the adaptation of John Heilemann and Mark Halperin’s 2010 book was first announced.

Pre-emptively labelling it another ‘liberal Hollywood elite’ hack-job, critics sharpened their blades and prepared to get stuck into the film for playing fast and loose with the facts. To them, Sarah Palin is an unassailable figure, representing folksy home-spun wisdom and traditional Christian values, all wrapped up in a tidy MILFy package. And since The Hollywood Reporter helpfully pointed out that the film's top talent and executives had, between them, donated US$200, 000 to Democratic causes, it was unlikely to give their moose-murdering heroine a fair hearing.

In fact, the film is a surprisingly even-handed portrayal of one of the most compelling footnotes in recent political history. I say ‘footnote’ because the fact remains that this is the story of a campaign that failed. Sorry if that spoils the ending for you, but at this stage, it’s like warning people that the dénouement of Titanic is a little moist.

So why make Game Change at all? Surely a film about Obama’s genuinely historic election would make for a more uplifting and celebratory narrative? But that’s to miss the point of this fascinating and compelling film, which instead addresses the key question at the heart of McCain’s ill-fated attempt to win the White House. Namely, what were they thinking?

McCain has long been regarded as one of the most likeable and honourable Republican Senators, by observers at both ends of the political spectrum. So his decision to pair up with a photogenic ‘Soccer Mom’ seemed ill-advised at best, and downright terrifying at worst. Indeed, there are several genuinely chilling moments in Game Change, as McCain’s team of advisors question the wisdom of putting the big red button within the grasp of Palin’s neatly manicured French tips.

Here’s a woman who has to be given a crash course in geography (“This is Germany, we fought against them in two World Wars”) by advisors expecting to discuss more taxing geopolitical issues. At one point, the campaign’s chief strategist Steve Schmidt (played by Woody Harrelson) coaches Palin for the Vice Presidential debate and asks her about how she would manage the special relationship between the US and the UK, given that support for military action in the Middle East is at an all time low. She responds by saying "America has always had a great relationship with the Queen…" Cue a rather panicked explanation of the difference between Prime Minister and a Head of State.

Despite Palin’s considerable intellectual shortcomings, the film refuses to poke fun at her, instead commending her remarkable ability to connect with ordinary people. We may question the disingenuous way that Republicans have successfully demonised anyone with a tertiary education as the ‘intellectual elite’, but Palin remained resolutely committed to her role as the ‘you betcha!’ voice of everyman (and woman).

Having made peace with their ‘high risk, high reward strategy’, the Republican strategists can barely contain their glee as their progeny begins to charm the crowds. As Palin watches Barack securing the Democratic Party nomination, she comments, "I'm just watching Obama's big fancy speech. They sure do love him." Their reply: "They're gonna love you more." You can almost hear her eyes make that ker-ching sound.

Showcasing that unmistakable grin, as if invisible hands are continually checking her bridge-work, Julianne Moore nails Palin far more effectively than Tina Fey’s hilarious but one-dimensional portrayal ever could. We see her struggle with her own personal ideology when it conflicts with McCain’s more centrist approach, and we feel genuine empathy for her as her lack of preparedness threatens to derail the entire campaign. As her advisors worry that she’s in the throws of a full-blown nervous breakdown, Palin sits at the table like a petulant pre-teen refusing to eat her greens.

Much has been made of the film’s powerhouse cast – TV movies not usually being known for their ability to score actors of the calibre of Julianne Moore and Ed Harris. But credit should also go to director Jay Roach, who deftly applies his background in big-screen comedy (having helmed all the Austin Powers and Meet The Parents movies), in giving this potentially dry tale an effervescent energy. In fact, much of the film plays like a contemporary retelling of George Cukor’s classic Born Yesterday. Think My Fair Lady, but with more Creationism.

So back to that original question, what were they thinking? The answer lies in one of the early scenes in the film. Marvelling at the hero’s welcome Obama receives while visiting Germany on the campaign trail, Schmidt reveals the key insight that will help them reclaim the lead from the Democrat wunderkind – “We need to ask whether America wants a statesman, or a celebrity.” By choosing to align with the untested and hurriedly vetted Palin, they ended up offering America one of each.

Worshipping False Idols

After ten years as America's favourite TV show, you'd be forgiven for expecting American Idol to be running on fumes by now. In fact, this has been one of the most dramatic seasons to date, with more collapses than a controlled demolition, and a surprising number of genuinely impressive voices. Furthermore, for the first time in recent memory, the talent is evenly dispersed between the boys and girls.

This week sees the grand unveiling of the final thirteen, after what seems like weeks of merciless culls. More importantly, there's a distinct male vs female vibe, as the women will be paying posthumous tribute to Whitney Houston, whereas the boys will be taking on Stevie Wonder's back catalogue. It's always nice when a legendary artist gets a well-earned tribute, but this mash-up of the living and the dead feels a little distasteful. Without wishing to pre-empt a tragedy, Stevie might want to stick to showers for the time-being.

Joshua's up first, and he can at least take comfort in the fact that, if this doesn't work out, there's a lucrative career in Barack Obama impersonations ahead of him. Thankfully, he won't be practicing his State of the Union just yet, since he's far and away the best singer they've had on this show since Carrie Underwood was still stitching fringes onto her evening gowns. His interpretation of Stevie's I Wish has a lazy cabaret feel to it, but his voice sounds like Sam Cooke and Otis Redding competing in a sing-off. It's not a patch on his extraordinary performance last week, but he's sure to sail through to the next round. Jennifer loves that the music "doesn't just come through his mouth" - but that's because hers usually comes from a box underneath the mixing desk.

Following Joshua is Elise, who's going to tackle The Greatest Love of All. Guest judge Mary J Blige flinches like someone just snapped the elastic on her underwear, so she and Jimmy Iovine tell her to have a go at I'm Your Baby Tonight instead. It's a deceptively simple song - the melody is pretty straightforward, but the timing's a bitch. It takes Elise half the song to catch up with it, and her flat, raucous delivery, coupled with the unfortunate choice of a spangly mini dress, gives her performance the feeling of being shouted down by a short-changed hooker. Jennifer tells her that she could have murdered it, but the fact is, she just left it for dead.

Next up is Jermaine, who'll be wrapping his beefy baritone around 'Knocks Me Off My Feet'. If you can picture the voice of Luther Vandross, dripping out of the mouth of the Honey Monster, you'd be right on the money. He's a great singer, but it's all so low and rumbly that it's not so much a musical performance as the soundtrack to a tectonic shift. Steven Tyler tells him that the song fitted him like an Armani suit, except that Armani doesn't tend to charge by the square yard. Gigantic Jermaine even manages to make Ryan Seacrest look like a finger puppet when standing alongside him, which is ridiculous since everyone knows that Ryan is happier taking the whole fist.

Erika has chosen I Believe In You And Me, one of the blandest ballads in Whitney's back catalogue, but her voice is naturally raspy so she's putting a Kelly Clarkson spin on it. Although she's an attractive girl, a couple of poor styling choices make her look like an overweight newsreader, and I'm unnecessarily distracted by the curious blue stain on her tongue. The judges are oddly enthusiastic, with Jennifer drawing attention to the 'goosies' on her arm. She can't wait until Erika "stops thinking", but this is American Idol, so it's not as if she's sitting in the green room contemplating the ethics of stem cell research.

Colton plays one of his own songs for Jimmy and Mary, to help them understand his singing style. That helps them build an arrangement that suits his voice, and it's safe to say there's a good reason they're both as successful as they are. Lately is a classic and Colton's performance is pretty good, distinctive enough to be individual, but sticking respectfully close to Stevie's melody. Now he just needs to work on the ridiculous parakeet mullet he's been showcasing since the early stages of the competition. It doesn't matter how well you sing, if you look like Jim Carrey dressing up as Adam Levine for a lark.

Shannon will be tackling I Have Nothing from The Bodyguard. It's a giant of a song, and she's a little too characterless to dominate such an enormous song. She hits some of the right notes, but spends much of her time lost in the mix. Worst of all is the key change, which is about as professional as jamming a nail file into a Yale lock.

Deandre is the Terrence Trent D'Arby of this year's contest, combining earthy gravel with a sweet falsetto. It works perfectly for Master Blaster, and showcases a side to him that we've previously seen precious little of. Also well within her comfort zone, against all the odds, is country sparrow Skylar. Despite never having sung a Whitney song before, she's having a bash at Where Do Broken Hearts Go. Her tone is pure and clear, so she nails the key change as easily as tipping a sleeping cow. Jennifer tries telling her that she's the "definition of composure", then gives up on her description when it becomes clear that no-one has a clue what she's talking about.

HeeJun is performing "All In Love Is Fair", and he sounds surprisingly good, given that he was dismissed early on as the joker in the pack. His dry sense of humour and occasionally clumsy phrasing make it seem as though he's not taking any of this seriously, but his tone is perfectly suited to the song and he nails it. He even reserves a little sass for J-Lo, chastising her for "playing hard to get."

Hollie looks like an American Sheridan Smith, but there's an enormous voice inside her tiny blonde frame. All The Man I Need starts off well, but the chorus and key change are lacking sophistication, mistaking power for performance. It ends as a solid seven out of ten, not bad, but not exactly memorable either. This was always supposed to be a tribute to Whitney Houston, and let's face facts - there's no better tribute than pointing out just how effortless she made this shit look.

Jeremy is a nice kid, and just one Hunny Pot away from being Winnie The Pooh in human form. He's singing Ribbon In The Sky, and it's what Simon Cowell used to describe as a 'hotel performance'. I guess that means that it's in tune, in key, and tastefully delivered, but about as dynamic and exciting as a Corby Trouser Press.

Someone had to do it, I guess. So it might as well be Jessica, who has the closest thing to a diva voice this season, to take on I Will Always Love You. She hits all the right notes, and manages to score the first standing ovation of the evening. But it still felt as though she was racing through the song to make sure that she hit all the money shots in a minute and fifty. Randy reminds the audience that this is one of the hardest songs in the world to sing. He's right, but not for the reason he thinks. It's hard, because there's a wealth of complicated emotions to convey. Instead, audiences were watching closely, but only to count off the big moments like they were playing a drinking game.

Closing tonight's show is Phillip Phillips. Yes, that's his real name. He's part Paul Rudd, and part Giovanni Ribisi, wrapped up in an erratic bundle of weird. Unfortunately, he's trying to make Superstition sound like the kind of angry rant used to summon a demon, rather than sticking to the effervescent funkiness of the original. It's what might ordinarily be described as self-indulgent, but the judges tend to get swept away in this kind of strangeness. True to form, Steven tells him "You just are", which as about as eloquent a critique as anyone could muster.

The results show, like most others, involves twenty minutes of recaps and twenty minutes of people being asked to sit on bar-stools, in between a couple of lacklustre guest performances. There's a momentary shock as Joshua is revealed to be in the bottom three, but he's barely walked out to the middle of the stage before he's sent back to rejoin the other 'safe' acts. In the end, it's Jeremy who's going home, and he seems about as surprised as the audience at home. Which is not very.

You're going to Hollywood

These audition episodes are a gruelling business, especially when there’s three hours’ worth to wade through every week. And if you think watching them is tough, you should try writing about them. So rather than a blow-by-blow recap of every hopeless hopeful that queued up to appear on that glass lozenge that passes for a stage, here’s what I learned this week about how to secure those all important 15 minutes of notoriety.

Play to J-Lo’s ego

One of the first contestants this week was a pretty young single mother, who practices by singing to her daughter. When asked what songs she likes, she tells them that ‘On The Floor’ is her five year old’s favourite. These are the hidden costs of parenting. When she sings, Jennifer complements her on her “natural voice”, because in her mind, singers are supposed to sound like an android with throat polyps. Jayrah Gibson also knows how to woo Jenny From The Block, by performing a song he wrote for her. It’s complete shit, so we shouldn’t be surprised that she attempts to raise an approving eyebrow.

Thank the Lord

It’s not unusual for American contestants to proclaim divine intervention when it comes to their time on a talent show. But we should give a special shout-out to Ramiro Garcia, who tells us the tragic story of how he was born without ears – a scenario that seemed almost appealing after three hours of melisma. Despite his tough start in life, he now heads up a local church. And he credits his faith for giving him a voice and the ability to hear, which somewhat undermines the role of the surgeons who worked the actual miracles. After telling his inspirational story, Steven tells him “I like your insides”, so Ramiro can at least take pride in the fact that he’s the first male contestant to get that particular complement from the Aerosmith screamer.

Try to fuck Steven Tyler

If you really want to make sure that your try-out for Idol gets seen by 20 million viewers, just pretend that you’re turned on by leathery skin and a mouth that could sub-let space to Big Yellow. On the first of this week’s shows, the auditions took place on USS Midway, so Steven showed up in a flying hat and goggles. Even though this made him look like Sebulba, the villainous podracer from The Phantom Menace, the girls were still throwing themselves at him. Maybe they just like the attention, something Steven’s never been shy of giving. He even tells one girl “I love your high wobble, when you go upstairs.” We just have to hope that he was talking about her voice.

Confirm Ryan’s heterosexuality

Forget about all the rumours, conjecture and dubious pictures of him on a Mexican beach with Simon Cowell, Ryan is as straight as an A-list Scientologist. So if you want to get noticed, give him a chance to assert his alpha male status. First up was Wolf, who got a lot of coverage, much of which will probably be aired again when he makes his inevitable appearance on America’s Most Wanted. Apropos of nothing, he admits that all the women who knew he was auditioning wanted him to kiss Ryan, who expresses relief that it’s not going to happen. Maybe he doesn’t like beards, unless they’re the ones who’ll walk the red carpet with him. Haley told us about the three jobs she holds down as a cleaner, restaurant worker and meat packer in a sausage factory. Curiously, it’s the last one that piques his interest, but only because he’s a fan of a chunky Cumberland. Special points go to this week’s first contestant, who showed up in a patriotic biki top and hot-pants combo, and gamely played along as Ryan repeatedly ask her to walk up the stairs. Don’t know about you, but I’m certainly convinced.

If all else fails, be utterly deluded

Whether it was Aubrey, who wanted to be on America’s Top Model despite looking like Rumer Willis with lockjaw, or the girl who told us “I want to be the new Lady Gaga. There’s no-one like me”, this was a great week to be lacking in self-awareness.

In Texas, where everything is bigger – especially the arseholes - we got to see a parade of would-be country singers who all sounded like lowing cattle, convinced that they stood a chance because of last year’s Grand Ole Opry-styled final. We also met Phong Vu, who got excited about the fact that he was able to name the judges. Unfortunately, he had a little more trouble with his favourite singer Selina Dion. The highpoint of his audition was his “iconic dance move”, which involved jumping on the spot with one arm out.

Alejandro managed to score plenty of screen-time, by announcing that the revolution has started. He asked the judges to “Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world. Where Lady Gaga can become a pop star, or Barack Obama can become the President.” The judges helpfully pointed out that he might be a little late to that particular party. At the end of his awful audition, he groveled for another chance, prompting Jennifer to tell him “Please don’t beg, you have too much dignity for that.” Maybe she was watching a different show on the monitor.

Finally, if these tactics don’t work, you could always consider a move into food services. Alanna Snare got her own segment, thanks to her chat about Rocky Mountain Oysters. Given the amount of people who talk bollocks on this show, its hardly surprising that some people have developed a taste for them. And don’t forget Skylar, who works in a rundown family restaurant. They’ve had a tough couple of years, which her mother doesn’t like to talk about. Unless there’s a camera crew on hand. She describes the restaurant as a “hole in the wall”, but having watched the footage, even that description seems overly complimentary. Still, that got her on the show, so consider it a job well done.

It's a man's world

No-one really knows what they want to be when they grow up. I'm sure at some point I wanted to be a pterodactyl. And besides, some of us never really grow up anyway, so where's the harm in having a dream? Unless you happen to live on Elm Street.

So I don't put too much stock in the fact that many of today's teenaged girls aspire to be like Cheryl Cole or Colleen Rooney. At least it's a step up from wanting to be Kerry Katona or Rebecca Loos. But apparently, this aspiration to be a WAG or a reality TV star is a symptom of a much bigger problem in society - a whole generation of young women is growing up without any worthwhile role models.

It's an issue that weighs heavily on the mind of Dr Linda Papadopoulos PhD, who's spent the last few years working with young girls and encouraging them to broaden their horizons. She laments the fact that Cheryl, Colleen and Katie Price are all cited by the teenagers she meets as 'inspirational'. In particular, she's troubled by the fact that, when asked about men that they admire, the same girls listed Barack Obama, David Beckham and Nelson Mandela.

Rather predictably, Papadopoulos is quick to blame celebrity culture for the fact that today's young women are willing to aim so low when asked to dream high. Writing on Huffington Post, she cites a six-year-old survey of a 1000 girls between 15 and 19, which found that "63 per cent considered 'glamour model' and 25 per cent 'lap dancer' their ideal profession from a list of choices including teacher and doctor." At first glance those seem like shocking statistics, but maybe the girls who were polled had an idea of how much they could earn as a lap-dancer, compare with an NQT's salary. We might thumb our noses at the idea of someone wanting to make their fortune in a strip club, but at least the only glass ceilings they're likely to encounter will be the mirrored kind.

In Linda's opinion, the media's obsession with appearance means that a woman's attractiveness (or lack thereof) supersedes any mention of their skills or accomplishments. As a consequence, we're telling young people that "if you want to succeed, bank on your looks and not your brain- be a WAG not a PhD'". But it's a little rich coming from a woman who's already earned her PhD, and has now pursued a second career on TV thanks to her photogenic appearance.

Equally, there's a bitter irony in the fact that she's willing to take pot shots at the same reality TV machine that put her on the box in the first place. Remember, young Linda was a regular feature on the weekly 'psychological insights' edition of Big Brother, back when people still thought it was a viable social experiment and not just a 24/7 screensaver full of attention-seeking misfits. I guess this is a case of having your cake, eating it, and then blaming the media for the fact that you're still counting the WeightWatchers points.

If today's schoolgirls are looking to emulate Cheryl and Colleen, maybe it's not such a bad thing. After all, the advent of university fees has made further education even less likely than the prospect of landing a drunk footballer for the majority of 16 year-olds. And Faces is a lot easier to get into than Oxbridge. It's also worth bearing in mind that not everyone has the desire, or the intellect, to pursue academic advancement - some people simply want a better lot in life. 

Of course, the media could still be doing more to publicise the great achievements that women are making in science, business and sport. Although I'd maybe exercise a little caution when it comes to the "young female activists" that Linda wants to see celebrated. Last time the press found such a cause célèbre, the 'activist' in question turned out to be a male, middle-aged post-graduate with a thing for Syrian lesbians.

I've always thought that feminism was a principle founded on the concept of freedom and equality for women. And that means affording them the opportunity to make their own choices about their future. Lecturing them from an ivory tower that they're too ignorant to even dream properly does no-one any favours. And it comes across as more than a little sexist. 

It gets better

There's a growing controversy in the States this week, as it emerged that retail giant Walmart is stocking a book by Mormon author Janice Barrett, called 'Chased By An Elephant'. Although it sounds like a book celebrating the illegal ivory trade, it's actually designed to make gay kids hate themselves a little bit more, as if they needed the help.

Subtitled 'The Gospel Truth About Today’s Stampeding Sexuality' (hence the somewhat tenuous elephant reference), the book aims to keep kids on the straight and narrow. With the emphasis on the 'straight'.

According to the foreword, "The number of our young people involved in sexual sins has greatly increased in recent years. Some of the most stalwart-seeming youth find themselves involved in pornography, fornication, promiscuity, homosexuality, and the like... This harmful exposure is evident in the lives of many young people through a variety of psychological problems including anxiety, depression, gender confusion, addictions, and even suicidality." 

Graham apparently knows what she's talking about, since she even roped her own son Graham in to write an introduction to Mommie Dearest's book. Tearing himself away from alternating bouts of furious masturbation and violent sobbing, the 'cured' homosexual claims that his faith enabled him to turn away from the “deceitful and predatory nature of the ‘gay’ lifestyle.” Which is silly, because everyone knows that you should never turn your back on a 'predatory homosexual' - that exactly what they want you to do. 

Although he may be trapped in a false existence that denies his very nature, but at least his mother's vehement abhorrence of the 'gay lifestyle' hasn't yet tipped him over the edge into what she (and the FDA) have termed 'suicidality'. 

Sadly, countless other young men and women aren't quite so lucky. The last few months have seen a disturbing wave of teenage suicides, brought about by an epidemic of homophobic bullying. Tyler Clementi, Zach Harrington, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase, Billy Lucas and Cody J. Barker have all made the news in the States recently, by taking their own lives - leaving their despairing families wondering what they could have done to improve matters before it was too late. 

Dan Savage, the sharp-tongued but warm-hearted columnist, decided enough was enough and launched a YouTube campaign called 'It Gets Better'. Although it's only been running for a month, countless celebrities, gay and straight, have added their voices to the project - imploring kids to think twice before doing anything rash. Particularly powerful are the videos uploaded by successful gays and lesbian public figures, who are living proof that acceptance, tolerance and happiness are just around the corner. 

This week, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama added their voices to the mix, in eloquent, thoughtful and sensitively handled pieces. However, given the US government's reticence to act on Don't Ask, Don't Tell and marriage equality, campaigners are concerned that these two prominent politicians are sending out mixed messages - 'It might get better, but don't expect any help from us'.

The real issue is the fact that these videos focus on how to overcome bullying, rather than addressing the source of the bullying. As long as religious bodies continue to fight equality, and argue that homophobia and hate-speech are their God-given rights, then kids will continue to take their own lives.

When Obama tells young people that there are "people out there who care about you and love you just the way you are" he forgets that, in many cases, the parents he has in mind are the worst bullies of all. Parents like Janice Barrett. And sure, kids could go to their teachers if they're being bullied, as long as they don't expect the teacher to be able to show any kind of familiarity or empathy with the situation. After all, Seth Stambaugh in Oregon was fired for explaining to a student that he was gay and therefore unable to marry.

Savage's campaign is a fantastic initiative, and has dovetailed nicely with similar campaigns such as the Trevor Project and GLAAD's Spirit Day on 20th October. Gay kids need to know that it really does get better. But in order for them to believe it, the rest of society has to do its bit in order to keep that promise.

This is for shooting, this is for fun

One of the big political issues currently facing Barack Obama is the repeal of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. The legal equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and looking the other way, DADT was introduced by Bill Clinton as a way of circumventing the restriction on gays and lesbians serving in the US military.

Although the policy forbids the military from investigating the sexuality of anyone in its ranks, it also bars anyone openly gay, lesbian or bisexual from serving. LGBT military personnel are expected to keep their lifestyle a secret, or face a dishonourable discharge - a punishment which has seen thousands of highly decorated soldiers kicked out, despite their otherwise exemplary records.

Obama seems keen to overturn DADT, but it's yet another divisive issue where the Christian Right is willing to exert its considerable influence. Part of the problem is the fact that there's still a great deal of intolerance within the military, with only 26% of personnel in favour of gays and lesbians serving, compared with 37% opposing the idea.

Despite regularly-voiced concerns that group morale may be negatively impacted by having openly gay people in the unit, there seems to be no empirical data to support these claims. A study by the American Psychological Association found that "when lesbians, gay men and bisexuals are allowed to serve openly there is no evidence of disruption or loss of mission effectiveness."

However, I believe their is evidence that closeted gays can cause extensive disruption. The video below was recorded by a group of US soldiers stationed at a military base in southwest Afghanistan, and graphically illustrates the impact that closeted behaviour can have on group cohesion and operational focus.



The all-male cast from the 82nd Airborne Division have clearly spent hours carefully practicing their elaborate reconstruction of Lady Gaga's video for Telephone. Already one of the most imitated videos of all time, despite only being about three months old, the nine-minute epic inspired Aaron Melcher, a married 24-year-old soldier, to choreograph his tribute to Jonas Åkerlund's masterpiece.

The big question here, is where does a soldier, stationed in Afganistan, find a glittery 'Drama Queen' sash?

Reid between the lines

Thank heavens for old fashioned values. On November 4th, 2008, California voters didn't just elect Barack Obama to the highest seat in office, they also approved Proposition 8, which took away the rights of same-sex people to marry.

Those who actually understood what they were voting on, argued that they weren't being homophobic or discriminatory - they were simply fighting to uphold the sanctity of marriage. In their eyes, marriage is a sacred institution blessed by God, and needs to be respected as such.

So I imagine that glasses of sparkling non-alcoholic wine are being chinked all over the place, in celebration of the fact that Katie Price and Alex Reid were able to exchange their vows in a Las Vegas chapel.

This blessed union may have come as a surprise to some, given that Katie's commitment to the relationship seemed to rest on the toss of a coin. She publicly dumped him last year, after he made the mistake of speaking to the press about his proposal plans. After a hasty reunion, she spent most of his stay in the Celebrity Big Brother house hovering back and forth between pushing him away and pulling him up to the bumper.

However, as soon as it looked as though the square-headed scrapper might actually win the show, Katie's fierce business brain went into overdrive. Planning a campaign of activity with military precision, Katie engineered the whole engagement to maximise the revenue potential.

Speaking to the press, she carefully retracted the comments she'd made before about Alex using her fame for his own career, charitably adding "I said to Alex, forget my house, we should buy a house together. I'm going to downsize so we can both afford it."

Perhaps cognisant of the British public's cynicism about the authenticity of their union, Katie made sure no magazine photographers were present to capture the moment where they became victim and wife. However, the ITV2 crew were on hand to preserve the magical moment for Katie's ongoing documentary series, which has been running so long it makes Mahabharat look like a YouTube clip.

Just in case anyone was still in any doubt of their sincerity, Katie's spokesperson declared "Katie and Alex are delighted to announce they got married in a private, simple ceremony. Their decision to marry has not been made with any media deal in place. It is purely down to their love for each other." It's not often that a wedding announcement feels the need to point out that the couple are in love. I thought that was supposed to be the point.

While he was in the Big Brother house, Alex fell under the spell of Stephen Baldwin, who attempted to indoctrinate him in the teachings of the Bible. At the time, this made Alex look easily manipulated and rather foolish.

But maybe he's not just a used-to-be-pretty face. He claims that his newfound faith will help make his marriage work. Given that Katie is a 21st Century succubus, he's going to need all the supernatural assistance he can get...

That was the year that was

Ordinarily, a year-end review is best saved for the end of the year. It's right there in the name. But we're already half way through December, and New Year is looming on the horizon like the threat of another glut of weight-loss DVDs starring ex-EastEnders.

So in honour of the great and the good (and the eye-scratchingly awful) who have made this blog the awesome cultural barometer that it is, here's a video I found that summarises the year that was 2009. It's a parade of shame that calls upon a number of this year's most notorious alumni, including Jon and Kate Gosselin, Nadya Suleman, Spencer and Heidi Pratt, Barack Obama, Kanye West and Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa, Christian Bale and Twitter.

Best of all, it's been edited to show off the magic of Auto-Tune, a piece of software that makes the Calrec SoundField Microphone seem like yesterday's old news. When you're using Auto-Tune, even the most mundane conversation can be transformed into a melodic chorus. JLS are big fans.

Anyway, here's 2009 in review. See how much you remember, and don't forget - you saw it here first (apparently Viacom are closing this down, so be quick).



This Year in Auto-Tune 2009 - Watch more Funny Videos

An overcoat sensation

In our modern media-saturated world, the concept of celebrity has expanded to the point where the word itself is no longer specific enough to describe the subject in question. For instance, Lauren Bacall and Kate Lawler are both celebrities, but there's a spectacular gulf between the two of them.

There's an urban legend that eskimos have countless words for snow. It's all bullshit of course, but the principle behind the metaphor is sound. As a culture obsessed with celebrity, we need an extended vocabulary to encapsulate the sliding scale of status - something more relevant and specific that the A, B and C-list. Especially since some of the celebrities clogging up our list are so far off the regular latin-based alphabet that technically we need to start introducing special characters into the mix.

Case in point - here's Wang Zifei, the unfortunately named but strikingly attractive 'ampersand-lister' who has shot to international fame thanks to her talent for disrobing behind world-leaders. Some people have to sing for their supper, others spend ten weeks in a Carphone Warehouse sponsored-asylum in order to secure their fame. However, this violin-playing, TV-hosting actress 'unwittingly' transformed herself into Little Red Riding Hot, by slowly taking off her eye-catching crimson coat right behind Barack Obama as he spoke about internet rights in China.

Reminding people of the little girl in Schindler's List, or the spooky ghost child in Nicolas Roeg's Don't Look Now, Wang's bright red overcoat overshadowed everything else in the room, like Liz Hurley at someone else's wedding. As a consequence, she's now become an overnight sensation, with China Daily reporting that a Google search for 'Obama girl in red coat' turns up nearly seven million results.

The unwitting internet star has taken to her her blog to defend her actions, and downplay suggestions that she was attention seeking. Addressing accusations of self-promotion, the pretty student argues that anyone looking for fame would want greater longevity than the momentary notoriety that comes from wearing a loud jacket.

Ultimately, the idea of someone becoming a globally recognised face for little more than her choice in outerwear is preposterous. But it's still refreshing to know that, in a world where Jodie Marsh is a household name, some women can command the world's attention without needing to show their landing strip.

How long before Mrs Smith goes to Washington?

All kneel before the mighty Ms Jolie. The prettier half of Brangelina has been bestowed the ultimate honour by being named as Forbes' Most Powerful Celebrity.

The permanently pouting cuckquean (seriously, look it up) earned the prestigious title thanks to a combination of earnings and media profile. It doesn't seem to matter that 80% of Angelina's coverage was either focused on her ever-expanding family or the fact that Jennifer Aniston can't seem to get through an interview without mentioning her. Still, Forbes felt that Angie's profile had remained high thanks to her "high-profile turns in hit films such as Wanted and Kung Fu Panda."

Shockwaves were felt throughout the world of people with little else to care about, as Angelina's coronation saw long-standing list leader Oprah Winfrey relegated to lady-in-waiting status. Despite the talk show, the charitable foundations, the magazine, the book club, the studio, the network and the $275 million pay-packet, even the queen of media can't compete with a bunch of tattoos, a hot husband and a Benetton brood.

Interestingly, Barack Obama becomes the first sitting President to make the list, although he must be smarting from coming in at number 49, five points below American Idol host Ryan Seacrest.

Obama shouldn't feel too disheartened however, since it's not just earnings and media coverage that guarantees your place in the list. According to E!Online, editors at Forbes focus on people with projects to promote - and I don't support the Middle East peace process is the sort of project they have in mind. Furthermore, their source suggests that "...editors check the availability. They will not put someone at No. 1 who can't come to the list party."

It's said (by SpiderMan's Uncle Ben) that with great power comes great responsibility. Let's hope Angelina weilds hers wisely.

Who's laughing now?

There were concerns amongst the liberal comedy community that the election of Barack Obama sounded the death knell for political humour. After all, George W Bush gave satirists, humourists and general takers of piss eight years of great material. With the US finally selecting a strong, dependable and trustworthy leader, where was the comedy gold to be mined?

Recently, US network ABC premiered its new animated comedy show, The Goode Family. Created by Mike Judge, the talent behind Beavis & Butthead and King of the Hill, the show focuses on a family of environmentally-friendly, politically-correct liberals, with an adopted African son and a vegan dog. As with most new comedy shows, opinions are divided, but I'm sad to say that they're split almost exclusively along political lines.

Liberal viewers are dismayed that their uber-tolerant, ultra-considerate, worldly-wise lifestyles are being skewered on prime time TV. Irrespective of the fact that right-wing views are regularly satirised in animated shows like The Simpsons, Family Guy and American Dad. Alternatively, conservatives are falling over themselves to congratulate ABC for finally daring to poke fun at 'ditzy do-gooders' who 'care so very, very much about everything' - as though caring for things and doing good is a bad thing. They also seem to feel that, by poking fun at environmentalism, the show invalidates the concepts of sustainability and conservation.

Unfortunately, both sides are missing the point. I'm happy to remain blissfully ignorant about Mike Judge's political leanings, but early clips suggest that he is using the show to poke fun at liberal guilt and the pressure involved in always making the right choice. It doesn't really matter how he votes, as long as the humour he uses shows an inherent understanding of the issues he's portraying. In the pilot episode, the speaker in the organic supermarket announces “Attention One Earth shoppers. The driver of the SUV is in aisle four. He’s wearing a baseball cap” and the family's Toyota Prius has a bumper sticker that reads “Support our troops and their opponents.” This shows a sharp understanding of the complexities of modern life, and the way people try to do what's best, despite a conflicting sense of priorities.

A good friend of mine repeatedly reminds me that true intelligence is the ability to hold two conflicting points-of-view at the same time, and it's clear that this show understands that principle. So even if I see myself as the butt of many of the jokes, I hope the show lives long enough to find its audience.

Time to call it a day for 24

Call it a lucky co-incidence, fate or serendipity, but when Fox picked up '24' for its Fall 2001 season, they had no idea just how prescient its 'terrorists attacking the US' plotline would be. The pilot ended up being hurriedly re-edited to remove shots of a passenger airline exploding, since it aired just weeks after September 11. But despite the initial upset, the show managed to, not only capture, but actually define the zeitgeist of a wounded nation.

During the course of its first year, the show managed to juggle soap opera plotting (amnesia made a fantastic comeback), extreme violence and the kind of relentless cliff-hangers that would have Penelope Pitstop chewing her nails down to the knuckle. Perhaps more importantly, in its depiction of a bold, noble and unimpeachable African-American presidential candidate, the show arguably paved the way for Barack Obama's own bid for the White House.

Emboldened by a new wave of fans who discovered the show on DVD, 24 somehow managed to stretch out its implausable concept year-on-year, increasing in popularity with each successive season. Unfortunately, as the show evolved, and its leading man became increasingly indestructable (he's been brought back from the dead more times than Kenny on South Park), the politics of '24' began to take precedence. Self-proclaimed "right-wing nutjob" Joel Surnow, who created the show, started to make his influence felt and the tone began to change quite noticably.

Out went the ingenious plotting and smart characterisation, and in its place came a depressingly samey parade of torture scenes until the show started to look like one of Lynndie England's home movies.

Interestingly, in 2007, the military even waded into the debate, arguing that the depiction of torture as a fool-proof interrogation technique was having a detrimental effect on young soldiers. This shit never happened to the A-Team. Of course, the right-wingers were keen to have their say, with clueless, venom-spitting pundit Laura Ingraham arguing that the popularity of 24 was effectively a national referendum on the use of torture.

So when 24 returned after a year out, caused by the writers' strike, everyone was watching closely to see how the show would handle its responsibility to air both sides of the torture argument. However, this was not the subtle exploration that we might have hoped for. Jack's by-the-book counterpart looked as though she was itching to force a wet towel down a suspect's throat by the end of the third episode. So much for a fair and balanced analysis of the issues.

So now as the US reels from the latest season-ending cliff-hanger (the UK gets it this week) the whole format is starting to feel a little tired and repetitive. There's a saying in TV that when a show passes its prime it has 'jumped the shark'. I think '24' has dragged the shark out of its tank, shot its wife, electocuted its genitals and glued its gills together. After single-handedly killing 230 people, maybe Jack Bauer has finally earned a day off.