What's that on your head?

Poor old Paris Hilton. She seems to attract trouble like Tara Reid attracts half-empty tequila bottles. The poor girl can't go anywhere without the paparazzi performing a smear test with a telephoto lens, or someone trying to arrest her for drug possession.

But despite the regular police interventions and invasive photography, Paris is a hard-worker, dedicated to keeping up the night-job. Those newly-opened nightclubs won't attend themselves - our girl needs to be out and about, showing her face and living it large...

Since this is world where fame is measured in terms of column inches generated, rather than any kind of tangible output, Paris is seen as the holy grail (an empty vessel with little physical value - how apt) for celebrity endorsements.

So brands are constantly sticking things in her mouth, pinning them on her clothes or attaching them to her head in the hope that she'll raise the profile of their products. At least that's how it's supposed to work.

The hard-partying celebutante is in yet another legal tangle, this time with Hairtech International, who are suing our plastic princess. Paris' crime? She went out in the wrong hair. Oh stop sniffing - we've all done it.

Hairtech is looking to claim $35 million in damages, "for fraud and deceit, unjust enrichment and breach of contract" because Paris was spotted partying wearing someone else's lustrous blonde hair extensions back in 2008. Seriously, this is the world we live in.

Not only was Paris signed to an exclusive contract with Hairtech for all her artificial hairpiece needs (for $3.5 million, no less), the company had built an entire campaign around 'spot Paris Hilton'.

In retrospect, that might have been a rather silly decision, since her ubiquity on the party circuit would make it pretty hard not to spot her. Maybe Lord Lucan wasn't on the market for any hair extensions.

Hairtech is also pissed that Paris neglected to attend a commercial shoot, and the Dream Catcher launch party. Although, to be fair, she was in jail at the time. I know the US legal system tends to be pretty lenient on its celebrity inmates, but even they draw the line at day release to attend a party.

Your parents 'like' this

Is facebook a force for good or evil?

On the one hand, it's a great way to keep in touch with all your friends at once without having to spend half the day composing emails to everyone in your address book. The flipside is that it's like a digital crack pipe, sucking you into its vortex of sheep throwing and 'like' tagging.

The Daily Mail has never been in any doubt - accusing the social networking phenomenon of everything from wrecking rental properties and driving people to suicide, to causing cancer. More recently, they ran a bogus story suggesting that young teenage girls could fall prey to predatory paedophiles before they've even uploaded a profile picture.

Since the journalist who penned the inflamatory article hadn't even been using facebook, the social networking giant was quick to respond with the threat of suing the Mail for the "brand damage that has been done".

So they're probably relieved to be able to report that facebook is figuring in another lawsuit - this time one that doesn't involve poor journalistic ethics. Instead, it's a court case focusing on the biggest problem currently facing most facebook users: oppressive parenting.

16-year-old Lane New is taking his mother to court for accessing his facebook account and snooping on his private life. As his mum Denise rightly points out, this is really just the 21st century equivalent of reading your child's diary or peering under their bed.

Of course, it doesn't help that Denise changed the login details on his account so he couldn't access his own page, and posted comments which he considered to be slanderous. Bizarrely, prosecutors have sided with the aggrieved teen, charging his mother under the state's harassment laws, which cover "conduct or... acts that alarm or seriously annoy another person.'

The problem with this, is that annoying one's children is every parent's prerogative. How else would children ever remember to do their homework or eat their greens? facebook has simply given the older generation a new way to show up and embarrass their offspring.

There's a whole subcategory of lamebook dedicated to overfamiliar parents who don't know when to but out of their kids' business:

The curse of interfering parents is now so commonplace that it's even inspired its own music video.



According to a recent report in the Guardian, more young people are living at home with their parents than in the last 20 years. So next time you complain that your parents are exchanging pleasantries with your friends on facebook, just remember that it could be a lot worse. They could still be telling you to wash your hands before dinner.

Cherry and sour grapes

Fans of quality soap (as in opera, not Cussons Pearl) all remember the day their favourite show jumped the shark. With Dallas fans clamouring for the return of their favourite hirsute hero, kind-hearted (and deep pocketed) producers relented and resurrected Bobby Ewing in the now infamous shower scene that ended the show's ninth season.

Although many viewers found Bobby's Lazarus-like resurrection a step too far, it proved that there's no such thing as 'dead' when it comes to long-running drama series. Especially when those shoulder-pads and extra-marital clinches start to lose their luster.

It's a lesson that the makers of Desperate Housewives probably have ringing in their ears. With the show's once unstoppable ratings now on the slide, they seem to have found a surprising, but kind of appropriate, way of generating some publicity.

Another long-dead character has made a return to Wisteria Lane for more bitchy fireworks and dramatic showdowns. The only difference is that these are happening away from the picket-fenced set.

Nicolette Sheridan, who brought her all-natural beauty to the show as slutty realtor Edie Brit, is suing Marc Cherry (Desperate Housewives' creator and executive producer) for assault and battery, gender violence and wrongful termination.

Although these are pretty extreme claims, like all preposterous plot developments on the show, the clues were always there. When Nicolette's character Edie Britt made her exit from DH last year, she and Cherry were rather blunt in describing their parting of ways.

Nicolette was happy to tell the press that she had wanted to leave the show much sooner, but was tied to a contract. She also expressed dismay that the frothy drama had lost its edge: "When the show started it was such a different beast. It was exciting and dangerous and funny and edgy and bizarre. It started feeling a little complacent, and that was very frustrating."

She also felt that Cherry had underused her formidable skills, arguing "When you have a jewel, why not polish it and put it out there for all to see?". Cherry disagreed, believing that we'd all seen quite enough of what she was putting out there, thank you very much.

As well as saving somewhere in the region of $150,000 per episode by ditching Edie, Cherry saw an opportunity to mess with the successful formula and take the show in a new direction: "What I won't do is cast another fortysomething sexy blonde. She performed the aging, neighborhood tramp better than anyone has ever done before." Damned by faint praise, I believe that's called.

Like all great soap vixens, Nicolette is having the last evil laugh, with a $20 million lawsuit lined up against the ABC network. Following it up with a formal statement, the actress claimed that she'd been a "model employee" and accused her former boss of behaviour that was "nothing short of abusive and appalling."

Perhaps over-egging the yolkless omelette, Nicolette's lawyers even position her as a hard-working team-player who just wants to "help protect others who have had to work in a hostile environment". No mention of which battered women refuge the $20 million has been earmarked for.

As a self-confessed "gay republican", Marc Cherry must experience his fair share of internalised rage. And there's every chance that this simmering resentment might occasionally bubble over.

Having said that, it's also possible that Nicolette is disappointed that the offers haven't been flooding in since she departed the show 12 months ago. Although she's only 44, her skin is now so leathery the only role she'd be suitable for would be stand-in for a pair of Louboutins.

Like all good soap operas, this is the kind of plot that can run and run. Just don't be surprised if we later find out that she's actually a pre-operative transsexual and Marc had been replaced by his evil Hispanic twin. Compared with some of the storylines on Desperate Housewives, that'd be almost believable.

Caution, bumps ahead

Regular readers of this blog will know that I'm an advocate of alliteration. So imagine my joy when I discovered that there's a disfiguring genital condition called 'pearly penile papules'. Then imagine my disgust when I saw pictures of it.

Groinal disorders aren't a regular topic on p0pvulture (unless you count the regular references to Paris and Katie), but there's a reason for their inclusion today. 21-year old Tyler Bowling is suing American TV network CBS for exposing him (not like that) on a show called The Doctors.

Apparently, Bowling was concerned that little Tyler was a little too 'ribbed for her pleasure' and hoped that an appearance on the show would be rewarded with free surgery to have his pearly papules removed. Problem is, it didn't occur to him that people might actually watch the show.

So despite the fact that he chose to talk about his coral-covered cock on national TV, he wants CBS to pay for the fact that he has subsequently suffered "relentless embarrassment and harassment" in the form of calls and emails. The way he tells it, he was "tricked" into appearing on the show, where he discussed his penile problems and then watched with a grimace as a cucumber had its bumps slowly lasered away.

If anything, Bowling should be happy that he lives in a country that would never dream of showing actual reproductive organs on TV - vegetables are about as explicit as it gets.

Here in the UK, we get Dr Christian Jessen and his pals, who aren't happy unless they're prodding away at a pair of scaly breasts, cupping someone's balls or wiping unspeakable amounts of gunk from their nether regions. Channel 4's 'Embarrassing Bodies' doesn't shy away from the gory details - you can't help but wonder what makes people want to disrobe and bend over in front of a camera crew. It must make for some pretty awkward conversations at work the following day.

Tyler may have been teased for his appearance, but at least he was spared any humiliating close-ups. In the end, he just got to sit in the studio audience, answer a few questions and watch as a dermatologist started preparing a Greek salad. Not that different from being a guest on Saturday Kitchen really.

Paying lip service

Pete Burns must be breaking out the bubbly tonight, having been awarded a £450,000 out-of-court settlement from the plastic surgeon who 'ruined his career and life'. The eighties pop icon has spent the last two years battling for compensation for the botched lip implants that blighted his face, and now it seems that justice has finally been done.

Despite being the dictionary definition of a one-hit wonder, Pete has managed to sustain an improbably high profile for the last quarter of a century, thanks to his willingness to court controversy and inspire outrage. Inexplicably combining the feminine glamour of a page three girl with the voice of an angry scouse dockworker, he's able to shock and entertain in equal measure.

His appearance on Celebrity Big Brother in 2006 introduced the foul-mouthed antagonist to a whole new generation of onlookers ('fans' would be stretching the point somewhat) who watched him bully, bellow and belittle his fellow housemates. He regularly attacked former Baywatch performer (again, 'actress' would also be a stretch) Traci Bingham simply for being nice, and yet often sprung to the defense of beleaguered entertainer Michael Barrymore. Strangely, Pete's time as a housemate was most notable for the outfit he wore for his big entrance - a coat he claimed was made from gorilla fur. Tests confirmed that the coat was actually made from Colobus monkey pelts imported before 1975, which helped Pete avoid prosecution.

Following his turn (like a record) on CBB, Pete also popped up on the inaccurately-named Celebrity Wife Swap, and a show called Pete's PA, which endeavoured to find the temperamental gender-bender an assistant - like the Apprentice with a lower budget and more tattoos.

But throughout his career, Pete's celebrity has been defined by two very specific things. The first is THAT song. You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) launched the post-Hi-NRG Europop sound of uber-producers Stock, Aitken & Waterman with its distinctive 'cowbells and handclaps' arrangement which Bananarama 'borrowed' several months later for their cover of Venus. Despite the fact that Pete has complained "I'm sick of that song. It's like still wearing school uniform when you're 50", he's been more than happy to allow other artists to use it, and cash the royalty checks in return - Dope, Jessica Simpson, Flo Rida and Dannii Minogue have all either covered the song or interpolated elements of it in their own tracks.

But the other defining element of Pete's life in the limelight has been his extraordinary appearance. Pete sees his face as a work-in-progress, reasoning "If you own a car, you change that every few years and that's just what I'm doing with my appearance." Sadly though, Pete took this thinking a stretch too far when he opted to replace his lips with airbags. Several dodgy injections of lip-filler resulted in swelling, blisters, discharge and lumps, and in the end, he looked as though someone was holding a bright red flotation device in-front of him.

It's always a shame to see surgery go horrifically wrong (unless you're a TV producer for Sky), but Pete's argument in the lawsuit did seem a little tenuous. For instance, he claimed that, were it not for the botched gob-job, his career would have been at its peak, and that his disfigured appearance meant he didn't leave the house for months. It seems churlish to mention how seldom he has bothered the charts since that first number one single, or how often Pete has quite happily appeared in the spotlight on a range of TV shows.

Nonetheless, having allegedly felt suicidal over his appearance in recent years, this change in his fortunes should finally help Pete positively embrace the future. Having formed the band Dead or Alive, maybe Pete's finally got the answer he was hoping for.