Feathering her nest

If a grown man wandered around the streets dressed as a sailor, but neglected to cover his lower half, he'd be locked up and put on the sex offenders' register quicker than you could say "Daily Star lynch mob".

And yet, for the last 75 years, Donald Faulteroy Duck, has been wandering the grounds of Disneyland (and WaltDisneyWorld, fact fans) without a thought for local indecency laws. He even poses for pictures with children, as half-naked as the day he was drawn.

So it was probably only a matter of time before he fell fowl (sorry!) of America's litigious culture. Donald is now the defendant in a $50,000 lawsuit being pursued by April Magolon from Delaware.

This deluded chancer claims that she was molested by the lisping waterfowl on a visit to Epcot, Orlando in 2008. It's her contention that the duck stuck his decidedly dextrous wing where it wasn't wanted, ultimately leaving her with "'severe physical injury, muscle contraction headaches, acute anxiety, nausea, cold sweats, insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, digestive problems and other conditions that are permanent in nature". I guess this means she's gone right off Peking duck rolls too.

Defenders of the Disney empire have been quick to point out that the cumbersome costumes make it hard to make any precise moves, leaving cast members shambling around the park like drunk lab-rats.

Furthermore, the characters are always accompanied by more human-looking attendants. As well as making sure that tourists don't get too amorous, they're also on hand to prevent nervous kids from being terrified by the prospect of seven-foot-tall anthropomorphic wildlife.

When confronted with wild animals, it's commonplace to be told "they're more frightened of you, than you are of them". And it stands to reason that the same goes for these giant, cuddly characters.

Hardly surprising really, when you consider the popularity of 'furries'. For the uninitiated, they're the people who get turned on by dressing up as plush characters and making the beast with two zip-up backs (also known as 'yiffing').

Maybe April Magalon tried it on with Donald, and was angry about being rebuffed with her offer of a quick yiff in the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that Disney counter-sues on the defenseless duck's behalf...

What's that on your head?

Poor old Paris Hilton. She seems to attract trouble like Tara Reid attracts half-empty tequila bottles. The poor girl can't go anywhere without the paparazzi performing a smear test with a telephoto lens, or someone trying to arrest her for drug possession.

But despite the regular police interventions and invasive photography, Paris is a hard-worker, dedicated to keeping up the night-job. Those newly-opened nightclubs won't attend themselves - our girl needs to be out and about, showing her face and living it large...

Since this is world where fame is measured in terms of column inches generated, rather than any kind of tangible output, Paris is seen as the holy grail (an empty vessel with little physical value - how apt) for celebrity endorsements.

So brands are constantly sticking things in her mouth, pinning them on her clothes or attaching them to her head in the hope that she'll raise the profile of their products. At least that's how it's supposed to work.

The hard-partying celebutante is in yet another legal tangle, this time with Hairtech International, who are suing our plastic princess. Paris' crime? She went out in the wrong hair. Oh stop sniffing - we've all done it.

Hairtech is looking to claim $35 million in damages, "for fraud and deceit, unjust enrichment and breach of contract" because Paris was spotted partying wearing someone else's lustrous blonde hair extensions back in 2008. Seriously, this is the world we live in.

Not only was Paris signed to an exclusive contract with Hairtech for all her artificial hairpiece needs (for $3.5 million, no less), the company had built an entire campaign around 'spot Paris Hilton'.

In retrospect, that might have been a rather silly decision, since her ubiquity on the party circuit would make it pretty hard not to spot her. Maybe Lord Lucan wasn't on the market for any hair extensions.

Hairtech is also pissed that Paris neglected to attend a commercial shoot, and the Dream Catcher launch party. Although, to be fair, she was in jail at the time. I know the US legal system tends to be pretty lenient on its celebrity inmates, but even they draw the line at day release to attend a party.