Reid between the lines

Time to break open the Bollinger and line up those body shots, everyone's favourite party girl is back on the scene. And she's flashing the flesh like there's no tomorrow.

Although technically listed as an actress, Tara Reid is a one-woman wrecking ball who somehow manages to make Lindsay Lohan look like the model of sober professionalism. After a reasonably successful start in films like The Big Lebowski, Urban Legend and American Pie, Tara discovered she was more interested in mojitos than method.

Tactfully described by the US press as a 'Party Girl' (generally considered to be a euphemism for 'drunken slut') Tara likes to raise a ruckus when she goes out - she's been on more table tops than a napkin dispenser.

It's an image she's battled hard to dismiss, complaining that "I think I’m just so misunderstood as a person…It’s like every time you see me out they’ll only show a picture of me, like, with a cup in my hand. They won’t show all the benefits I’m involved in with children. They never show anything positive." Which isn't really fair, since by the time the photographers catch sight of Tara, the cup has been drained, along with the complimentary perfumes in the bathroom and the bar's drip tray.

Actually though, Tara's problems run deeper than the fact that collapses like a camping table. She's also had a troublesome history with plastic surgery, showing off a pair of poorly augmented breasts that looked like the goggly eyes on fairground stuffed toy.

Not that she meant to show them off, one of them just happened to slip out at P Diddy's 35th birthday - "I didn’t see [my dress] fall down, so I’m smiling like an idiot, not even knowing that it’s there.” But the paparazzi knew it was there, and went to town on her botched, blotchy boobs.

Since that incident made the papers around the world she's been struggling to rebuild her shattered confidence. However, that all changed this week as she proudly unveiled her new 'bikini body' at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, she seems to have borrowed it from Joan Rivers.

She may be "a young woman with confidence" (as she told Playboy in December), but someone needs to point out that she looks as though she's been stitched together using the contents of a bag of beef jerky. And if these are the new and improved breasts, she really needs to crack open the Webster and look up 'improved'.

Heidi's Hills aren't helping

Some people just can't catch a break. Take poor old Heidi Montag for example. Aside from the fact that she could lose a battle of wits against any animal with a shell, she seems to be rapidly losing touch with her fans.

It can't have helped matters that she's made herself almost unrecognisable, with an astonishing 10 cosmetic procedures all performed in one marathon session. Already blonde and boobilicious even before the surgical overhall, she now looks like something Hugh Hefner's cleaner might fish out from behind a sofa cushion.

She claims that she's not addicted to surgery, despite having more elective treatments than the entire cast of Desperate Housewives in her quest for perfection. The way she sees it, "I see an upgraded version of me. It's a new face and a new energy. It's a new person and I feel like almost all of the things I didn't want to be and who I turned into kind of got chiseled away." In fact, there were enough bits left over to win a supporting role in the next series of The Hills.

But let's not rain on her parade, since she's "very excited for the world to see the new me and a real me." Even if the 'real' her is about as authentic as one of those emails from a Nigerian prince who needs help with his bank account.

Not everyone thinks that Heidi's made the smartest move, with some people questioning the logic of advocating such extreme transformation to young people. But Heidi remains unapologetic, claiming "My main message is that beauty is within..." Like I said, smart moves aren't exactly her speciality.

Thankfully, it doesn't seem as though we need to worry about Heidi's monumental impact on popular culture. Her new album, which coincidentally came out this week, hasn't exactly scorched its way up the charts. She may have spent "over $1 million, almost $2 million" on producing 'Superficial' (seriously, this girl needs some irony classes and quick) but according to early sales figures she's sold less than 1,000 copies.

Perhaps her claims that "within the first week, we will definitely make our money back" were a little ambitious. Then again, Heidi's nothing of not ambitious. She did once confidently state "acting, singing, dancing - it's always been in me. I also plan to win an Oscar."

At least she doesn't have to worry about showing her face in public after such an embarrassing start to her recording career. No-one would recognise her anyway.

Paying lip service

Pete Burns must be breaking out the bubbly tonight, having been awarded a £450,000 out-of-court settlement from the plastic surgeon who 'ruined his career and life'. The eighties pop icon has spent the last two years battling for compensation for the botched lip implants that blighted his face, and now it seems that justice has finally been done.

Despite being the dictionary definition of a one-hit wonder, Pete has managed to sustain an improbably high profile for the last quarter of a century, thanks to his willingness to court controversy and inspire outrage. Inexplicably combining the feminine glamour of a page three girl with the voice of an angry scouse dockworker, he's able to shock and entertain in equal measure.

His appearance on Celebrity Big Brother in 2006 introduced the foul-mouthed antagonist to a whole new generation of onlookers ('fans' would be stretching the point somewhat) who watched him bully, bellow and belittle his fellow housemates. He regularly attacked former Baywatch performer (again, 'actress' would also be a stretch) Traci Bingham simply for being nice, and yet often sprung to the defense of beleaguered entertainer Michael Barrymore. Strangely, Pete's time as a housemate was most notable for the outfit he wore for his big entrance - a coat he claimed was made from gorilla fur. Tests confirmed that the coat was actually made from Colobus monkey pelts imported before 1975, which helped Pete avoid prosecution.

Following his turn (like a record) on CBB, Pete also popped up on the inaccurately-named Celebrity Wife Swap, and a show called Pete's PA, which endeavoured to find the temperamental gender-bender an assistant - like the Apprentice with a lower budget and more tattoos.

But throughout his career, Pete's celebrity has been defined by two very specific things. The first is THAT song. You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) launched the post-Hi-NRG Europop sound of uber-producers Stock, Aitken & Waterman with its distinctive 'cowbells and handclaps' arrangement which Bananarama 'borrowed' several months later for their cover of Venus. Despite the fact that Pete has complained "I'm sick of that song. It's like still wearing school uniform when you're 50", he's been more than happy to allow other artists to use it, and cash the royalty checks in return - Dope, Jessica Simpson, Flo Rida and Dannii Minogue have all either covered the song or interpolated elements of it in their own tracks.

But the other defining element of Pete's life in the limelight has been his extraordinary appearance. Pete sees his face as a work-in-progress, reasoning "If you own a car, you change that every few years and that's just what I'm doing with my appearance." Sadly though, Pete took this thinking a stretch too far when he opted to replace his lips with airbags. Several dodgy injections of lip-filler resulted in swelling, blisters, discharge and lumps, and in the end, he looked as though someone was holding a bright red flotation device in-front of him.

It's always a shame to see surgery go horrifically wrong (unless you're a TV producer for Sky), but Pete's argument in the lawsuit did seem a little tenuous. For instance, he claimed that, were it not for the botched gob-job, his career would have been at its peak, and that his disfigured appearance meant he didn't leave the house for months. It seems churlish to mention how seldom he has bothered the charts since that first number one single, or how often Pete has quite happily appeared in the spotlight on a range of TV shows.

Nonetheless, having allegedly felt suicidal over his appearance in recent years, this change in his fortunes should finally help Pete positively embrace the future. Having formed the band Dead or Alive, maybe Pete's finally got the answer he was hoping for.

More more Moore

You've got to hand it to Demi Moore, the woman is looking good for her age. And although she seems to get fewer bookings than Anne Widdecombe's stylist, her age-defying looks have at least managed to snag her a hot boy-toy in the form of gormless prankster Ashton Kutcher.

However, it's not all happy sailing on planet perfect. Demi is distressed about the constant speculation concerning her Dorian Gray-like refusal to age. Despite the fact there are whole websites devoted to the fact that she seems to regenerate herself more often than Doctor Who, Demi insists that she's never been under the knife.

In a new interview with French Marie Claire, Demi maintains that she has never had 'it' done, responding to the ongoing rumours that she underwent a full body overhaul in 2004. Anyone who saw her in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle will have an idea as to how this rumour started, as well as my sympathies for losing almost two hours of their life to that staggeringly awful eye-piss of a movie. In one notable scene, she emerged from the ocean in a bikini like a taut-skinned cross between Ursula Andress and the T1000.

Of course, you'd be forgiven for raising a botoxed eyebrow at the idea that Demi is as yet untouched by the surgeon's scalpel. When she appeared in GI Jane after a rumoured boob-job, viewers had trouble trying to figure out which of the three spheres was supposed to be her shaven head (it was the one in the middle).

Thankfully, the ever truthful Hollywood housewife hasn't ruled out a little cosmetic collusion later in life. Speaking from the silicon-shielded heart, she says "...the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done. But for the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look 30." So it's good that she's retained her humility throughout all this.

The good news is that she's working again, and her sinister, inflexible visage has nothing to do with her success. Her new role in forthcoming TV show The Beautiful Life was won on talent alone - I'm sure that exec-producer Ashton Kutcher had absolutely no say in the casting. However, a word of caution to the fresh-faced forty-something. Relying on nature for your youthful good looks is all well and good, but when your husband (15 years your junior) casts you as an 'ex-model obsessed with plastic surgery' you need to start reading between the laughter lines.