Clueless about death

Following the sudden, shocking death of Brittany Murphy, it's nice to see that certain customary traditions have been observed.

First off, the celebrity community has taken to Twitter en masse to express its heartfelt and meaningful condolences, in 140 characters or less. Amongst them, Brittany's ex Ashton Kutcher, who must have inadvertently raised the hopes of countless thousands of people when he tweeted "See you on the other side kid.”

Meanwhile, the press did their bit and upheld another long-standing tradition - turning uninformed conjecture, idol gossip and speculation into news.

Otherwise respected news source NBC claimed that 'what many people who knew the actress noticed most was her recent severe weight loss.“She looked painfully thin, even sick. She looked like she hadn’t eaten in who knows how long, her skin was terrible,” said one person who observed Murphy in recent weeks'. That certainly sounds like expert testimony to me.

The Daily Mail, however, prefers the drugs angle - presumably because it's easier to blame on somebody. Even though the article's four writers admit that 'LA chief coroner Ed Winter, insisted that Miss Murphy's death was not caused by drugs', they tellingly refer to a 'Huge haul of prescription drugs' in the headline of the article. Of course, they could have used the word medication instead, but that wouldn't have been nearly as salacious.

Finally, there are the conspiracy theorists who are finding spooky significance in the fact that Brittany's most recent DVD Deadline has a cover that depicts the actress slumped unconscious in a bathtub - not too dissimilar from the circumstances in which her body was found. Needless to say, the DVD has been pulled and some poor art-worker will be clocking up the hours over Christmas to come up with a less poignant alternative.

It's true that 2009 has claimed a number of people before their time. But the sad truth is that their passing is just as random, pointless and inexplicable as when it happens to us mere mortals.

Death comes without reason or explanation. So rather than scrutinising your tea leaves or booking seats in the audience for Derek Acorah's next seance, enjoy your loved ones while they're here.

Merry Christmas everyone.

More more Moore

You've got to hand it to Demi Moore, the woman is looking good for her age. And although she seems to get fewer bookings than Anne Widdecombe's stylist, her age-defying looks have at least managed to snag her a hot boy-toy in the form of gormless prankster Ashton Kutcher.

However, it's not all happy sailing on planet perfect. Demi is distressed about the constant speculation concerning her Dorian Gray-like refusal to age. Despite the fact there are whole websites devoted to the fact that she seems to regenerate herself more often than Doctor Who, Demi insists that she's never been under the knife.

In a new interview with French Marie Claire, Demi maintains that she has never had 'it' done, responding to the ongoing rumours that she underwent a full body overhaul in 2004. Anyone who saw her in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle will have an idea as to how this rumour started, as well as my sympathies for losing almost two hours of their life to that staggeringly awful eye-piss of a movie. In one notable scene, she emerged from the ocean in a bikini like a taut-skinned cross between Ursula Andress and the T1000.

Of course, you'd be forgiven for raising a botoxed eyebrow at the idea that Demi is as yet untouched by the surgeon's scalpel. When she appeared in GI Jane after a rumoured boob-job, viewers had trouble trying to figure out which of the three spheres was supposed to be her shaven head (it was the one in the middle).

Thankfully, the ever truthful Hollywood housewife hasn't ruled out a little cosmetic collusion later in life. Speaking from the silicon-shielded heart, she says "...the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done. But for the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look 30." So it's good that she's retained her humility throughout all this.

The good news is that she's working again, and her sinister, inflexible visage has nothing to do with her success. Her new role in forthcoming TV show The Beautiful Life was won on talent alone - I'm sure that exec-producer Ashton Kutcher had absolutely no say in the casting. However, a word of caution to the fresh-faced forty-something. Relying on nature for your youthful good looks is all well and good, but when your husband (15 years your junior) casts you as an 'ex-model obsessed with plastic surgery' you need to start reading between the laughter lines.