Saturday, 8 August 2009

What's the problem (as if you need to ask)?

Something lighter now, after yesterday's rather po-faced installment. It's been reported today that MTV has finally admitted what we've known all along, no-one really cares about Kerry Katona anymore. Despite her best attempts to lead a compellingly chaotic life, the viewers have been switching off in droves.

Having singlehandedly created the reality TV sub-genre of carcrash-o-vision, where she could regularly command audiences of 500,000 stoned rubberneckers, it seems she's fallen on hard times with viewing figures dropping to a paltry 19,000. 'What's The Problem?' has been following Katona's life with bipolar disorder and a husband who, if he was a dog, would have been neutered long ago. But with audiences lower than Kerry's self-esteem, the show has finally been axed.

According to a show insider, "People already knew half the stuff in the show as it had been in the papers. So when you were watching her split from Mark, you knew they were going to get back together."

Poor, stupid, human airbag Kerry. She was so keen to sell her stories to the papers, that she forgot she was effectively creating spoilers for the show. Even the most tedious, idiotic soap operas understand the need to keep their plot twists under wraps, but not Kerry. As a consequence, it was a little like giving away free MP3s and then asking people to buy the album.

At least she's still got those classy Iceland ads to keep her and the kids in E-numbers, not to mention a life partner who makes Fred West look like husband-of-the-year material.

But just in case anyone starts feeling withdrawal symptoms when Kerry finally vacates the airwaves, I can highly recommend ICT celebrity news. Seemingly using some kind of automated translation software to covert stories into foreign languages, and then back to English again, the website's coverage inadvertantly manages to capture the inane surrealism of Kerry's life. Here's how they reported Kerry and Mark's third split this year (weirdly listed under 'politics'):

"...But Katona, who mated Croft on Valentine’s Day digit eld past and has digit kids with him, was trusty she would be splitting up with him again. The stylish rift comes after the grapheme claimed her bi-polar drug had undone her figure.
“I’ve place on digit stone, I’m so fat. It’s the drug that puts coefficient on, so there’s not a aggregation I crapper do,” the Sun quoted her as saying.
Despite hiring a individualized simulator to support her drop weight, Katona said that Croft likeable her figure.

Is Stanley Unwin working the news desk these days?

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